
n.ss Pff333 S 

Book ' f\n 

PRKSENTEI) 15Y i ^ ^Q 



HVDIBRA8; 



THREE PARTS: 

g^ITTEN IN THE TIME OF THE LATE WAJ18 



BY SAMUEL BUTLER, ESQ. 



WITH 
LIFE OF THE AUTHOR, ANNOTATIONS, 
AND AN INDEX, 



NEW YORK: 
ROBINSON AND FRANKLIN 

(SUCCCSSO! % TO LEAVITT, LORD AND C'C.) 

1839. 






' 



4^" 



>z . a 6 ' I 



^ 



TO THE READER. 

PoBTA nascitur non fit, is a sentence of as great 
truth as antiquity ; it being most certain, that 
all the acquired learning imaginable is insuffi- 
cient to complete a poet, without a natural ge- 
nious and propensity to so noble and sublime an 
art. And we may, without offence, observe, 
that many very learned men, who have been 
ambitious to be thought poets, have only ren- 
dered themselves obnoxious to that satirical in- 
spiration our author wittily invokes : 

Which made them, though it were in spite 

Of nature and their stars, to write. 

On the one side, some who have had very 
little human learning, but were endued with a 
large share of natural wit and parts, have be- 
come the most celebrated* poets of the age 
they lived in. But as these last are ' Raree aves 
in terris,' so, when the Muses have not disdain- 
ed the assistances of other arts and sciences, 
we are then blessed with those lasting monu- 
ments of wit and learning, which may justly 
claim a kind of eternity upon earth : and our 
author, had his. modesty permitted him, might 
with Horace have said, 

Exegi monumentum aere perennius: 
Or, with Ovid, 

Jamque opus exegi, quod nee Jovis Ira, nee ignis, 

Nee Poterit ferrum, nee adax abolerc vetustas. 

The author of this celebrated poem was of 
this last composition : for although he had not 
the happiness of an academical education, as 
some affirm, it may be perceived, throughout 
his whole poem, that he had read much, and 
was very well accomplished in the most useful 
parts of human learning. 

Rapin, in his reflections, speaking of the ne- 
cessary qualities belonging to a poet, tells us, 
Shakspeare, Davenant, &c 



w TO THE READER. 

' he must have a genius extraordinary ; great 
natural gifts ; a wit just, fruitful, piercing, solid, 
and universal ; an understanding clear and dis- 
tinct ; an imagination neat and pleasant ; an 
elevation of soul that depends not only on art 
or study, but is purely the gift of heaven, which 
must be sustained by a lively sense and vivaci- 
ty ; judgment to consider wisely of things, and 
vivacity for the beautiful expression of them,'&c. 

Now, how justly this character is due to our 
author we leave to the impartial reader, and 
those of nicer judgment, who had the happiness 
to be more intimately acquainted with him. 

The reputation of this incomparable poem 
is so thoroughly established in the world, that 
it would be superfluous, if not impertinent, to 
endeavour any panegyric upon it. King Charles 
11. whom the judicious part of mankind will 
readily acknowledge to be a sovereign judge of 
wit, was so great an admirer of it, that he would 
often pleasantly quote it in his conversation. 
However, since most men have a curiosity to 
have some account of such anonymous authors 
whose compositions have been eminent for wit 
or learning, we ha for their information, 
subjoined a short I ^ the Author. 



SAMUEL BUTLER 

Was bom in the parish of Strensham, in Wor- 
cestershire, in 1612, probably in February, as 
we find that he was christened on the 14th day 
of that month. Of his parents our information 
is very scanty. They gave him education, 
however, at the grammar school of Worcester, 
whence h» was removed either to Cambridge 
or Oxford. 

For some time he was clerk to Mr. JefFerys, 
of Earls-Croomb,in Worcestershire, an eminent 
justice of the peace ; and, while in this gentle- 
man's service, had leisure for study, and amused 
himself by practising music and painting. He 
was afterward admitted into the family of the 
Countess of Kent, where he enjoyed the use of 
a library, and the conversation of the celebrated 
Selden. From this house he removed into the 
family of Sir Samuel Luke, one of Cromwell's 
officers, and from what he saw here, is supposed 
to have conceived the design of ridiculing the 
practices of the republican party, and of form- 
ing his hero on some peculiarities in the cha- 
racter of Sir Samuel. 

On the restoration, he was made secretary to 
the Earl of Carbury, president of the princi- 
pality of Wales, who conferred on him the 
stewardship of Ludlow Castle, which Mr. War- 
ton thinks was a very honourable and lucrative 
office. About this time he married Mrs. Her- 
bert, a lady of some fortune, which, one of his 
biographers informs us, was lost by bad secu- 
rities. 

In 1663, the first three cantos of his Hudibras 
were published, and introduced to the attention 
of the court by the Earl of Dorset. In the fol- 
lowing year, the second part made its appear- 
ance ; and such was the general popularity of 
this poem, and the particular favour with which 
it was received by the king and courtiers, that 
every one expected some special reward would 
be bestowed on the ingenious author : but, ex- 
cept three hundred guineas which the king is 



vi LIFE OF SAMUEL BUTLER. 

said, upon no very good authority, to have sent 
to him, we find no trace of any reward or pro- 
motion whatever. Discouraging as this treat- 
ment was, Butler published the third part in 
1678, which still leaves the story imperfect. 

He died in 1680, and was buried in the 
church-yard of Covent Garden. About sixty 
years afterward. Alderman Barber, the printer, 
erected a monument to his memory in West- 
minster Abbey. 

After his death three small volumes of his 
posthumous pieces were published, but among 
them ai*e many spurious. In 1759, Mr. Thayer, 
of Manchester, published two volumes, which 
are indubitably genuine, and consist of prose 
and verse ; but from neither of these publica- 
tions can we collect any information as to his 
private life and character. He is said to have 
made no figure in conversation proportionate 
to the vni displayed in his immortal poem ; and 
King Charles, who had a curiosity to see him, 
could never be brought to believe that he wrote 
Hudibras. 

Butler has usually been ranked among the 
unfortunate poets v/ho have been neglected by 
their age ; yet although we can find no proof 
of royal munificence having been extended to 
him, there appears no reason to think that he 
was poor in the most unfavourable sense. 

Although the persons and events introduced 
in Hudibras are now forgotten, or known only 
to historic students, tlic exquisite humour of this 
piece is still as keenly relished as when first pre- 
sented to the public; and much of it has long 
been introduced into conversation as axioms of 
wit and sense. It has, indeed, been justly ob- 
served by Dr. Nash, that, concerning Hudibras, 
there is but one sentiment: it is universally 
allowed to be the first and last poem of its kind ; 
the learning, wit, and humour certainly ptand 
MJirivalled. 



RigV 
Chief d: ^ 
Either foi^ 

1. Dudgeon, \ 
edition of this poej. ,_ 
soiiietimos for the wo\ 
thor would have changed . . 
;is ' dudgeon' is, for that oi ^• 
edition. To take in dudgeon, 
injury or affront ; a sort of grumb'^ 
«v'!u!,t is previous to actual fury. 



.id 

60 

jing a justice of the 

colonel of a regiment 

^/,and a committee-man, 

,/s, supposes his cat thoughJ 

^0 in playing with her. 



PART I.— CANTO I. 9 

He had such plenty as sufficed 

To make some think him circumcis''d ; 

And truly, so he was perhaps, 

Not as a proselyte, but for claps. 

He was in loo-ic a great critick, 65 

Profoundly skill'd in analytick ; 
He could distinguish and divide 
A hair 'twixt south and south-west side; 
On either which he would dispute, 
Confute, change hands, and still confute. 70 
He'd imdertake to prove, by force 
Of argument, a man's no horse. 
He'd prove a buzzard is no fowl. 
And that a lord may be an owl, 
A calf an alderman, a goose a justice, 75 

And rooks committee-men and trustees. 
He'd run in debt by disputation. 
And pay with ratiocination. 
All this'by syllogism, true 
In mood and figure he would do. 80 

For Rhetoric, he could not ope 
His mouth, but out there flew a trope : 



62. Here again is an alteration without any amendment . 
for tlie following lines, 

And truly, so he was, perhaps, 
Not as a proselyte, but for claps. 
Are thus changed : 

And truly so, perhaps, he was ; 
'Tis many a pious Christian's case. 

The Heathens had an odd opinion, and have a strange 
reason why Moses imposed the law of circumcision on the 
Jews ; which, how untrue soever, I will give the learned 
reader an account of v^ithout translation ; as I find it in the 
annotations upon Horace, wrote by my worthy and learned 
friend Mr. William Baxter, the great restorer of the ancient, 
and promoter of modern iearniiig. 

Hor. Sat. 9. Sermon, lib. i.— ' Curtis ; quia pellicula immi- 
nuti sunt ; quia Moses Rex Judseorem, cujus Legibus regun- 

tur, negligeiitia mcdicinaliter exsectus est, et ne 

eolus esset notabilis, omnes circumcidi voluit. Vet. SchoU 

Vocem quae inscitia Librarii exciderat reposui 

mils ex conjectura, uti et medicinaliter exsectus pro medici. 
nalis effectus quae nihil erant. Gluis miretur ejusmodi con- 
vicia homini Epicureo atque Pagano excidisse? Jure igitur 
Henrico Glareano Diaboli Organum videtur. Etiam Satyra 
Cluinta hffic habet : Constat omnia miracula certa ratione 
fieri, de quibus Epicure! prudentissime disputant.' 

66. Analytic is a part of logic titat teaches to decline and 
con.strue reason , as grammar docs words 



10 HUDIBRAS. 

And when he happened to break off 

r th' middle of his speech, or cough, 

H' had hard words ready to shew why, 85 

And tell what rules he did it by : 

Else, when with greatest art he spoke, 

You'd think he talk'd like other folk : 

For all a rhetorician's rules 

Teach nothing but to name his tools. 90 

But, when he pleasM to shew't, his speech, 

In loftiness of sound, was rich ; 

A Babylonish dialect, 

Which learned pedants much affect. 

It was a party-colour'd dress 95 

Of patch'd and pye-ball'd languages : 

'Twas English cut on Greek and Latin, 

Like fustian heretofore on satin. 

It had an odd promiscuous tone. 

As if h' had talk'd three parts in one ; 100 

Which made some think, when he did gabble, 

Th' had heard three labourers of Babel; 

Or Cerberus himself pronounce 

A leash of languages at once. 

This he as volubly would vent 105 

As if his stock would ne'er be spent ; 

And truly to support that charge, 

He had supplies as vast and large : 

For he could coin or counterfeit 

New words with little or no wit : 110 

Words, so debas'd and hard, no stone 

Was hard enough to touch them on : 

And when with hasty noise he spoke 'em. 

The ignorant for current took 'em ; 

93. A confusion of languages, such as some of our 
modern virtuosi used to express themselves in. 

103. Cerberus ; a name which our poets give a dog 
with three heads, which they feioned door-keeper of 
hell, that caressed the un fortunate souls sent thither, and 
devotired them that would get out acrain : yet Hercules 
tied him up, and made him follow. This dog with three 
heads, denotes the past, the present, and the time to 
come, which receive, arid, as it were, devour all things. 
Hercules got the better of him, whicli shews that heroic 
actions are always victorious over time, because they 
are present in the memory of posterity 



PART L— CANTO L li 

That had the orator, who once 115 

Did fill his mouth with pebble stones 

When he harangu'd, but known his phrase, 

He would have us'd no other ways. 

In Matliematicks he was greater 

Than Tycho Brahe or Erra Pater : 120 

For he, by geometrick scale, 

Could take the size of pots of ale ; 

Resolve, by signs and tangents, straight, 

If bread or butter wanted weight ; 

And wisely tell what hour o' th' day 125 

The clock does strike, by algebra. 

Beside, he was a shrewd philosopher, 

And had read ev'ry text and gloss over ' 

Whatever the crabbed'st author hath, 

He understood b' implicit faith : 130 

Whatever sceptic could inquire for, 

For ev'ry why he had a wherefore ; 

Knew more than forty of them do, 

As far as words and terms could go : 

All which he understood by rote, 135 

And, as occasion served, would quote : 



115. Demosthenes, who ia said to have had a defect in his 
pronunciation, which he cured by using to speak with little 
stones in his mouth. 

120. Tycho Brahe was an eminent Danish mathematician. 
Quer. in Collier's Dictionary, or elsewhere. 

131. Sceptic. Pyrrhowasthe chief of the sceptic philoso- 

Ehers, and was at first, as Apollodorus saith, a painter, then 
ecame the hearer of Driso, and al last the disciple of Anaxa- 
goras, whom he followed into India, to see the Gymnoso- 
phists- He pretended that men did nothing' but by custom ; 
that there was neither honesty nor dishonesty, justice nor 
mjustice, good nor evil. He was very solitary, lived to be 
ninety years old, was highly esteemed in his country, and 
created chief priest. He lived in the time of Epicurus and 
Theophrastus, about the 120th Olympiad. His followers 
were called Pyrrhonians ; besides which, they were named 
the Ephetics and Aphoretics, but more g-enefally Sceptics- 
This sect made their chiefest good to consist in a sedateness 
of mind,exemDt from all passions; in regulating their opi- 
nions, and moderating their passions, which they 'call Ataxia 
and Metriopathia ; and in suspending their judgment in re- 
gard of good and evil, truth or falsehood, which they call 
Epechi. Sextus Empiricus, who lived in the second century, 
under the Emperor Antoninus Pills, wi-it ten books againet 
the mathematicians or astrologers, and three of the Pyrrho- 
nian opinion. The word is derived from the Greek— ——• 
quod est, ' considerare, speculari.' 



12 HUDIBRAS. 

No matter whether riglit or wrong. 

They might be either said or sung. 

His notions fitted things so well, 

That which was whicli he could not tell ; 140 

But oftentimes mistook the one 

For th' other, as great clerks have done. 

He could reduce all things to acts, 

And knew their natures by abstracts ; 

Where entity and quiddity, 145 

The ghosts of defunct bodies, fly ; 

Where truth in person does appear. 

Like words congeal'd in northern air. 

He knew whafs what, and that's as high 

As metaphysic wit can fly. L50 

In school-divinity as able 

As he that hight Irrefragable ; 

A second Thomas, or, at once 

To name them all, another Dunce : 



H3. The old philosophers thought to extract notions out of 
natural thingSj as chymists do spirits and essences ; and, 
when they hacl refined them into the nicest subtilties, g-ave 
them as insignificant names as those operators do their ex- 
tractions : But, (as Seneca says) the subtler things are ren 
dercd, they are but the nearer to nothine-. So are all their 
definition of things by acts the nearer to nonsense. 

147. Some authors have mistaken truth for a real thingr, 
when it is nothing but a right method of putting those no 
tions or images of things (in the understanding of man) into 
the same state and order that their originals hold in nature ; 
and therefore Aristotle says, 'Unumquodque sicut se habet 
secundum esse, ita se habet secundum veritatem.' Met 

148. Some report, that in Nova Zembla and Greenland, 
metn's words are wont to be frozen in the air, and at the thaw 
may be heard. 

151. Here again is another alteration of three or four lines, 
as I think, for the worse. 

Some specific epithets were added to the title of some fa 
mous doctors, as Angelicus, Irrefragabilis, Subtilis, &c. 
Vide Vossi Etymolog. Baillet Jugemens de Sqavans, and 
I'ossevin's Apparatus. 

153. Tiiomas Aquinas, a Dominican friar, was born in 122 J, 
and studied at Cologne and Paris. He new-modelled the 
school divinity, and was therefore called the Angelic Doctor, 
and Eagle of Divines. The most illustrious persons of his 
time were ambitious of his friendship, and put a high value 
on his merits, so that they offered him bishoprics, which he 
refused with as much ardour as others seejj after them. He 
died in the fiftieth year of his age, and was ganonized by Pope 
John XII. V/e have his works in eighteen volumes, several 
•tinifs printed. 

,Ioliai)!)ii3 Dunscotaj v>Tir, a very leprncd man, who- lived 



PART I.— CANTO I. 13 

Profound in all the nominal 155 

And real ways beyond thorn all ; 
For he a rope of sand could twist 
As tough as learned Sorbonist ; 
And weave fine cobwebs, fit for skull 
That's empty when the moon is full ; 160 

Such as take lod<^ings in a head 
That's to be l^t unfurnished. 
He could raise scruples dark and nice, 
And after solve 'cm in a trice ; 
As if Divinity had catch'd 1G5 

The itch on purpose to be scratched ; 
Or, like a mountebank, did wound 
And stab herself with doubts profound, 
. Only to shew with how small pain 
The sores of faith are curM again ; 170 



about the end of the thirteenth and be^inninff of tlie fourteenth 
century. The English and Scotch strive which of them shall 
have the honour of his birth. The English say he was born 
in Northumberland; the Scots allege ne was born at Duns, 
in the Mors, the neighbouring county to Northumberland, 
and lience was called Dunscbtus. Moreri, Buchanan, and 
other acotch historians, are of this opinion, and for proof cite 
his epitaph : 

Scotia me genuit, Anglia suscepit, 

Gallia edocuit, Germania tenet. 

He died at Cologne, November 3, 1303. In the supplement 
to Dr. Cave's Historia Literaria, he is said to be extraordi- 
lary learned in physics, metaphysics, mathematics, and as- 
tronomy ; that his fame was so great when at Oxford, that 
30,000 scholars came thither to hear his lectures ; that when 
at Paris, his arguments and authority carried it for the im- 
maculate conception of the Blessed Virgin : so that they ap- 
pointed a festival on that account, and would admit no scho- 
lars to degrees but such as were of this mind. He was a 
great opposer of Thomas Aquinas's doctrine ; and, for being 
a very acute logician, was called Doctor Subtilis ; which was 
the reason also that an old punster always called him the 
Lathy Doctor. 

158. Sorbon was the first and most considerable college of 
the university of Paris, founded in the reign of St. LeAvis, by 
Robert Sorbon, which name is sometimes given to the whole 
university of Paris, which was founded about the year 741 , by 
Charlemagne, at the persuasion of the learned Alcuinus, who 
was one of the first professors there ; since which time it has 
been very famous. This college has been rebuilt with an ex- 
traordinary magnificence, at the charge of Cardinal Riche- 
lieu, and contains lodgings for thirty-six doctors, who are 
calktl the Socii'ty of Sorbon. Those which are received 
amoni>- them before they have received their doctor's dc|;ree, 
are only said to oeofthe hospitality of Sorbon. Claud. Hemfr 
' au3 de Acad f'arij. Spondaa, in AuUid. 



14 HUDIBRAS. 

Altho' by woful proof we find 

They always leave a scar behind. 

He knew the seat of Paradise, 

Could tell in what degree it lies ; 

And, as he was dispos'd, could prove it 175 

Below the moon, or else above it : 

What Adam dreamt of, when his bride 

Came from her closet in his side : 

Whether the devil tempted her 

By a High-Dutch interpreter : 180 

If either of them had a navel : 

Who first made music malleable : 

Whether the serpent, at the fall, 
Had cloven feet or none at all. 

All this without a gloss or comment, 185 

He could unriddle in a moment. 

In proper terms, such as men smatter, 
When they throw out, and miss the matter. 

For his religion, it was fit 
To match his learning and his wit : 190 

'Twas Presbyterian true blue ; 
For he was of that stubborn crew 
Of errant saints whom all men grant 
To be the true church militant ; 
Such as do build their faith upon 195 

The holy text of pike and gun ; 
Decide all controversies by 
Infallible artillery ; 
And prove their doctrine orthodox 
By apostolic blows and knocks : 200 

Call fire, and sword, and desolation, 
A godly thorough reformation, 

173. There is nothing more ridiculous than the varioua 
opinions of aiiiliors about the seat of Paradise. Sir Wal- 
ter Raleigh has taken a great deal of pains to collect 
them, in the beginning of his History of the World , 
where those who are unsatisfied may be fully informed. 

180. Goropius Becanus endeavours to prove, that 
lligli Dutch was the language that Adam and Eve spoke 
in Paradise. 

181. Adam and Eve being made, and not conceived and 
formed in the womb, had no navels, as some learned 
men have supposed, because they had no need- of them. 

182. Music IS said to be invcitted by Pythagoras, who 
&rst found out the proportion of notes from the soundj 
of hammers upon an anvil. 



PART I.— CANTO I. 15 

Which alwa3^s must be carry'd on„ 

And still be doing, never done : 

As if religion were intended 205 

For nothing else but to be mended. 

A sect whose chief devotion hes 

In odd perverse antipathies ; 

In falling out with that or this, 

And finding «omewhat still amiss : 210 

More peevish, cross, and splenetick, 

Than dog distract, or monkey sick ; 

That with more care keep holy-day 

The wrong, tiian others the right way : 

Compound for sins they are inclined to, 215 

By damning those they have no mind to : 

Still so perverse and opposite, 

As if they worshipped God for spite. 

The self-same thing they will abhor 

One way, and long another for. 220 

Free-will they one way disavow ; 

Another, nothing else allow. 

All piety consists therein 

In them, in otler men all sin. 

Rather than fail, thoy will decry 225 

That which they love most tenderly ; 

Quarrel with mincVi pics, and disparage 

Their best and dearest friend, plum-porridge . 

Fat pig and goose itself oppose. 

And blaspheme custard thro' the nose. 230 

Th' apostles of this fierce religion. 

Like Mahomet's, were ass and widgeon ; 

To whom our Knight, by fast instinct 

Of wit and temper, was so linkt, 

As if hypocrisy and nonsense 235 

Had got th' advowson of his conscience. 

Thus was iie gifted and accouter'd. 
We mean on th' inside not the outward ; 
That next of all we shall discuss : 
Then listen. Sirs, it follows thus : 240 

232. Mahomet had a tame dove that used to pick seeds 
out of his ear, that it might be thought to whisper and 
inspire him. His ass was so intimate with him, that 
the Mahometans believed it carried him to heaven, and 
stays there wiih Jiini to bring him back again. 



16 HUDIBRAS. 

His tawny beard was th' equal grace- 
Both of his wifidorn and his face; 
In cut and dyo so like a tile, 
A sudden view it would beguile : 
The upper part thereof was whey ; 245 

The nether, orange ni?x"d with ijray. 
This hairy meteor did denounce 
The fall of sceptres and of crowns ; 
With grisly type did represent 
Declining age of government ; 250 

And tell with hieroglyphick spade, 
Its own grave and the state's were made. 
Like Samson's heart-breakers, it grew 
In time to make a nation rue ; 
Tho' it contributed its own fail, 255 

To wait upon the publick downfall . 
It was monastick, and did grow 
In holy orders by strict vow ; 
Of rule as sullen and severe 
As that of rigid Cordelier. _ 2G0 

'Twas bound to suffer persecution 
And martyrdom with resolution; 
T' oppose itself against the hate 
And vengeance of th' incensed state ; 
In whose defiance it was worn, 265 

Still ready to be pulfd and torn ; 
With red-hot irons to be tortur'd ; 
ReviFd, and spit upon, and martyr'd. 
Maugre all which, 'tv/as to stand fast, 
As long as monarchy should last ; 270 

But when the state should hap to reel, 
'Twas to submit to fatal steel, 
And fall, as it v^as consecrate, 
A sacrifice to fall of state ; 
Whose thread of life the fatal sisters 275 

Did twist together with its whiskers, 
And twine so close, that Time should never, 
In life or death, their fortunes sever : 
But with his rusty sickle mow 
Both down together at a blow. 260 

257- lie mad') a vow no.vi'V to cut Iiis hoard until iln; 
rarliameiit had siibduod tho kinj; . of which oidcr ;m' 
«-aii!itic votanc;? Oif.vc wi'Tc; niaiiv in Ihoj^c fitnfs 



PART I.— CANTO I. 17 

So leani'd Taliacotius from 

The brawny pari of porter's bum 

Cut suppletaeatal noses, which 

Would last as long as parent breech ; 285 

But when the dale of nock was out, 

Off dropp'd the sympathetic snout. 

His back^ or rather burthen, shew'd 
As if it stoop'd with its own load : 
For as ^Eneas bore his sire 
Upon his shoulders thro' the fire, 290 

Our Knight did bear no less a pack 
Of his own buttocks on his back ; 
Which now had almost got the upper- 
Hand of his head, for want of crupper. 
To poise this equally, he bore 295 

A paunch of the same bulk before ; 
Which still he had a special care 
To keep well cramm'd with thrifty fare ; 
As white-pot, butter-milk, and curds, 
Such as a country-house affords ; 300 

With other vittle, which anon 
We farther shall dilate upon, 

281. Taliacotius was an Italian surgeon, that found 
out a way to repair lost and decayed noses. 

This Taliacotius was chiet surgeon to the great duke 
of Tuscany, and wrote a treatise, De Curtis Membris, 
which he dedicates to his great master; wherein he not 
oidy declares the models of his wonderful operations in 
restoring of lost members, but gives you cuts of the very 
instruments and ligatures ho made use of therein ; from 
hence our author (cum poetica licentia) has taken his 
simile. 

289. iEneaswas the son of Anchises and Venus; a 
Trojan, who after long travels, came to Italy, and after 
the death of his father-in-law, Latinus, was made king 
of Latium, and reigned three years. His story is too 
long to insert here, and therefore I refer you to Virgil's 
yKneids. Troy being laid in ashes, he took his aged fa- 
ther Anchises upon his back, and rescued him from his 
enemies. But being too solicitous for his son and house- 
hold gods, he lost his wife Creusa ; which Mr. Dryden, 
in his excellent translation, thus expresseth : 
liaste, my dear father ('tis no time to wait,) 
And load my shoulders with a willing freight. 
Whate'er befals, your life shall be my care; 
One death, or one deliv'rance, we will share. 
My hand shall lead our little son ; and you, 
My faithful consort, shall our steps pursue. 



18 IhJDmiiAa 

When of his hose wo come to treat, 
Tlie cupboard where he kept his meat. 

His doublet was of sturdy buff, 305 

And tliough not sword, yet cudgel proof; 
Whereby 'twas fitter for his use, 
Who fear'd no blows, but such as bruise. 

His breeches were of rugged woollen, 
And had been at the siege of Bulien ; 31G 

To old king Harry so well known, 
Some writers held they were his own. 
Thro' they were lin'd with many a piece 
Of ammunition bread and cheese. 
And fat black-puddings, proper food 315 

For warriors that delight in blood. 
For, as we said, he always ch.ose 
To carry vittle in his hose, 
That often tempted rats and mice 
The ammunition to surprise : 320' 

And when he put a hand but in 
The one or t' other magazine. 
They stoutly in defence on't stood, 
And from the wounded foe drew blood ; 
And till th' were storm'd and beaten out, 325 
Ne'er left thef fortify'd redoubt. 
And tho' knights-errant, as some think, 
Of old did neither eat nor drink, 
Because, when thorough deserts vast, 
And regions desolate, they past, 330 

Where belly-timber above ground, 
Or under, was not to be found. 
Unless they graz'd, there's not one word 
Of their provision on record ; 
Which made some confidently write, 335 

They had no stomachs, but to fight. 
'Tis false ; for Arthur wore in hall 
Round table like a farthingal. 
On which, with shirt pull'd out behind. 
And eke before, his good knights din'd. 340 

337. Who this Arthur was, and whether any ever 
reigned in Britain, has been doul)ted heretofore,- and ia 
by some to this very day. However, the history of him, 
which makes hiiri one of the nine worthies of the world, 
is a subject sufficioiit for the poet to bo pleasant upon. 



PART 1.— CANTO 1. 19 

Though 'twas no table, some suppose. 

Cut a huge pair of round trunk hose ; 

In which he carry'd as inucli meat 

As he and ali tlio knights could eat, 344 

When, laying by their swords and truncheons, 

They took their breakfasts, or their auucheons. 

But let thaf pass at present, lest 

We should forget where we digrest. 

As learned authors use, to whom 

We leave it, and to th' purpose come. 350 

His puissant sword unto his side, 
Near his undaunted heart, was ty'd ; 
With basket-hilt, that would hold broth, 
And serve for fight and dinner both. 
In it he melted lead for bullets, 355 

To shoot at foes, and sometimes pullets, 
To whom he bore so fell a grutch, 
He ne'er gave quarter t' any such. 
The trenchant blade, Toledo trusty. 
For want of fighting, was grown rusty, 36U 
And ate into itself, for lack 
Of somebody to hew and hack. 
The peaceful scabbard where it dwelt 
The rancour of its edge had felt ; 
For of the lower end two handful 365 

It had devoured, 'twas so manful ; 
And so much scorn'd to lurk in case, 
As if it durst not shew its face. 
In many desperate attempts, 
Of warrants, exigents, contempts, 370 

It had appear'd with courage bolder 
Than Serjeant Bum invading shoulder. 
Oft had it ta'sn possession. 
And prisoners too, or made them run. 

Xliis sv/ord a dagger had t' his page, 375 
That was but little for his age ; 
And therefore waited on him so, 
As dwarfs upon knights-errant do. 

359. The capital city of New Castile, in Spain, with 
an archbishopric and primacy. It was very famous, 
amongst otlier things, for tempering the best metal for 
swords, as Damascus was, and perhaps may be still. 



30 tlUDIBRAS. 

It was a snrvicpahle dudgeon, 

Either for fighlina" or for drudging. 380 

When it had stabb'd, or broke a head, 

it would scrape trcncliers, or chip bread ; 

Toast cheese or bacon ; tho' it were 

To bait a mouse-trap, 'twould not care. 

'Twould make clean shoes ; and in tlie earth 385 

Set leoks and onions, and so forth, 

[t had been 'prentice to a brewer. 

Where this and more it did endure; 

But left the trade, as many more, 

Have lately done on the same score. 390^ 

In th' holsters, at his saddle-bow, 
Two aged pistols he did stow. 
Among the surplus of such meat 
As in his hose he could not get. 
These would inveigle rats with th' scent, 395> 
To forage when the cocks were bent : 
And sometimes catch 'em with a snap 
As cleverly as th' ablest trap. 
They were upon hard duty still, 
And ev'ry night stood sentinel, 400^ 

To guard the magazine i' the hose 
From two-legg'd and from four-legg'd foes. 

Thus clad and fortify'd. Sir Knight 
From peaceful home set forth to fight. 
But first with nimble, active force 405 

He got on th' outside of his horse ; 
For having but one stirrup ty'd 
T"" his saddle, on the farther side, 
It was so short h' had much ado 
To reach it with his desp'rate toe : 410 

But after many strains and heaves. 
He got up to the saddle-eaves. 
From whence he vaulted into th' seat, 
With so much vigour, strength, and heat, 
That he had almost tumbled over 415 

With his own weight, but did recover, 
By laying hold on tail and mane, 
Which oft he us'd instead of rein. 

380. Oliver Cromwell and Colonel Pride had been, 
both brewcK. 



PART 1.— CANTO I. 21 

But now we talk of mountain s;lccd, 
Beforo wo farther do proceed, 490 

It dolh behove us to say something 
Of that which bore our valiant bumpkin. 
The beast was sturdy, large, and tall, 
With mouth of meal, and eyes of v/all. 
I would s;iy eye ; lor h' had but one, 425 

As most af ree ; tho' some say none. 
He was well stay'd ; and in his gait 
Preserved a grave majestic state. 
At spur or switch no more he skept. 
Or mended pace than Spaniard whipt ; 430 
And yet so fiery he v/ou!d bound 
As if he griev'd to touch the ground : 
That Caesar's horse, who as fame goes 
Had corns upon his feet and toes, 
Was not by hah^so tender hooft, 435 

Nor trod upon the ground so soft. 
And as that beast would kneel and stoop 
(Some write) to take his rider up. 
So Hudibras his ('tis well known) 
Would often do to set him down. 440 

We shall not need to say v/hat lack 
Of leather was upon his back ; 
For that was hidden under pad, 
And breech of Knight, galPd full as bad. 
His strutting ribs ou both sides shew'd 445 
Like furroucrhs lie himself had plow'd ; 
For underneath the skirt of pannel, 
'Twixt ev'ry tv/o there was a channeL 
His draggling tail hung in the dirt, 
Which on his rider he would flirt, 450 

Still as his tender side he prick'd^ 
With arm'd heol, or with unarm'd, kick'd; 
For Hudibras v^ore but one spur ; 
As wisely knowing, could he stir 
To active trot one side of 's horse, 455 

Tiie otlier would not hang an arse. 

A squire he had, vv^hose name was Ralph, 
That in th' adventure went his half: 

433. Julius Cffisar had a horse with feet like a man's, 
' Utebatur equo insigni ; pedibus propc humanis, et in 
mofhitn digitorum urigulis (issis. Snof. in JmI cnr> fl. 



22 HUDIBRAS. 

Though writers, for more stately tune, 
Do call him Ralplio ; 'tis all one ; 460 

And when wc can with metro safe, 
Well call him so ; if not, plain Ralph. 
^For rhyme the rudder is of verses, 
With which like siiips they steer their courses.^ 
An equal stock of wit and valour 465 

lie had laid in ; by birth a tailor. 
The mighty Tyrian queen that gain'd 
^Vith subtle shreds a tract of land, 
i3id leave it with a castle fair 
To his great ancestor, her heir. 470 

From him descended cross-legg''d knights, 
Fam'd for their faith, and warlike fights 
Against the bloody cannibal. 
Whom they destroyed both great and small. 
This sturdy Squire he had, as well 475 

As the bold Trojan knight, seen Hell ; 
Not with a counterfeited pass 
Of golden bough, but true gold-lace. 
His knowledge was not far behind 
The Knights, but of another kind, 480 

And he another way came by't : 
Some call it Gifts, and some Nev/ -Light ; 
A liberal art that costs no pains 
Of study, industry, or brains. 
His wit was sent him for a token, 485 

But in the carriage crack'd and broken. 
Like commendation nine-pence crookM, 
With — To and from my love — It lookM. 
He ne'er consider'd it, as loth 
To look a gift-horse in the mouth ; 49C 

And very wisely would lay forth 
No more upon it than 'twas worth. 
But as he got it freely, so 
He spent it frank and freely too. 

467. Dido, queen of Carthage, who boiijiht as much 
land as she could compass with an ox's hide, which she 
cut into small thongs, and cheated the owner of so much 
ground as served her to huild Canhage upon. 

476. ^iieas, whom Virgii reports to use a golden 
bough for a puss to Iiell ; and tailors eall that place heU 
where they piu ai: they steal. 



PART I.— CANTO I. 23 

For saints themselves will sometimes be, 495 

X>f gifts that cost them nothing, free. 

By means of this, with hem and cough, 

Prolongers to enlighten'd stuff. 

He could deep mysteries unriddle 

As easily as thread a needle. 500 

For as of vagabonds we say, 

That they are ne'er beside the way ; 

Whate'er men speak by this New Light, 

Still they are sure to be i' th' right. 

'Tis a dark-lantern of the spirit, 505 

Which none see by but those that bear it : 

A light that falls down from on high. 

For spiritual trades to cozen by : 

An ignis fatuus, that bewitches 

And leads men into pools and ditches, 510 

To make them dip themselves, and sound 

For Christendom in dirty pond ; 

To dive like wild-fowl for salvation, 

And fish to catch regeneration. 

This light inspires and plays upon 515 

The nose of saint like bag-pipe drone, 

And speaks through hollow empty soul. 

As through a trunk or whisp'ring hole. 

Such language as no mortal ear 

But spiritual eaves-droppers can hear : 520 

So PhoBbus, or some friendly muse. 

Into small poets' song infuse, 

Which they at second-hand rehearse, 

Thro' reed or bag-pipe, verse for verse. 

Thus Ralph became infallible 525 

As three or four-legg'd oracle, 
The ancient cup, or modern chair ; 
Spoke truth point-blank, tho' unaware. 

For mystic learning, wondrous able 
In magic Tahsman and Cabal, 530 

526. Read the great Geographical Dictionary under 
that word. 

530. Talisman is a device to deslroy any sort of ver- 
min, by casting their iniatces in metal, in a jtrecise mi- 
nute, when ihe stars arp perfectly inclined to do them 
all the mischief tlicy can This has been experienced 
by some modern virtuosi upon rats, mice, and fleas, and 
found (as they aflirm) to produce the effect with admi- 
rable success. 

Uaymond Lully inh;ruvetH cabal, em of t!ie Arabic, VO 



2i HUDIBRAS. 

Whose primitive tradition reaches 
As far as Adam's first green breeches r 
, • eep sigfited in intelligences, 
deas, atoms, influences ; 

And much of terra incognita, 535 

Th' intelligible world, could say : 
A deep occult Philosopher, 
As learnM as the wild Irish are, 
Or Sir Agrippa ; for profound 
And solid lying much renown'd. 540 

fie Anthroposophus and Floud, 
And Jacob Behmen understood : 
Knew many an amulet and charm, 
That would do neither good nor harm : 
in Rosy-crucian lore as learned, 545 

As he that Vere adeptus earned. 
He understood the speech of birds 
As well as they themselves do words ; 
Could tell what subtlest parrots mean. 
That speak and think contrary clean : 550 

signify Scientia superabundans ; which his commenta- 
tator, Cornelius Agrippa, by over magnifying, has ren- 
dered a very superfluous foppery. 

532. The author of Magia Ademica endeavours to 
prove the learning of the ancient Magi to be derived from 
that knowledge which God himself taught Adam in 
Paradise before the fall. 

535. The intelligible world is a kind of Terra del 
Fucgo, or Psittacoruni Uegio, &c. discovered only by 
the philosophers, of which they talk Uke parrots, what 
Uicy do not understand. 

538. No nation in the world \b more addicted to this 
occult philosophy than llie wild Irish are, as appears by 
the whole practice of their lives ; of which see Camden 
in his description of Ireland. 

539. They who would know more of Sir Cornelius 
Agrippa, here meant, may consult the Great Dictionary. 

541. Anthroposophus is only a compound Greek word, 
which signifies a man that is wise in the knowledge of 
men, as is used by some anonymous author to conceal 
his true name 

Dr. Floud was a sort of an English Rosy-crucian, 
whose works are e.-itant, and as intelligible as those of 
Jacob Kehmen. 

545. The frati;rnitv of the Roay-crucians is very like 
tile sect of the ancient Gnostici, who called themselves 
Ml from the (ixcolleot learning they pretended to, al 
Uiough they were the utot-t ridiculous sots of mankind. 

Vere adeptus is one that has commenced in «Ueir fa- 
«.itic e,ttravagai!ce- 



What mernher 'tii-i of wiioiii llioy talk, 
When they cry Rope, and Walk, knave, wulic. 
f le'd extract numbers out of matter, 
And keep them in a glass, like water ; 
Of sovereign powV to make men wise ; 555 
For dropped in blear thick-sighted eyes, 
They'd make them see in darkest night, 
Like owls, tho%purblind in the light. 
By help of tliese (as ho profess'd) 
He had First Matter seen undress'd : 5b(J 

lie took her naked all alone, 
Before one rag of form was on. 
The Chaos too he had descry'd, 
And seen quite thro', or else he ly^d : 
Not that of pasteboard wliich men show 5G5 
For groats, at fair of Barthoi'mev/ ; 
But its great grandsirc, first o' th' name, 
Whence that and Reformation came ; 
f3oth cousin-germans, and right able 
T' inveigle and drav/ in the rabble. ;>70 

But Reformation was, some say, 
()' til' younger house to Puppet-play. 
ilo could foretel whats'ever was 
By consequence to come to pass ; 
As death of oTcat men, alterations, 6V5 

Diseases, battles, inundations. 
All this, withoTit th' eclipse o' th' sun, 
Or dreadful comet, ho hath done, 
iiy inward light ; a way as good. 
And easy to be understood ; 6t)U 

But with more lucky hit than those 
Tiiat use to make the stars depose, 
Like knights o' th' post, and falsely charge 
Upon thcinselves what others forge : 
Ai3 if they were consenting to 58a 

All mischief in the world men do: 
Or like the devil did tempt and sway 'em 
To rogueries, and then betray 'em. 
They'll search a planet's house to know 
Who broke and robb'd a house below ■ 590 
Mxaiaiiu; Venus, and tiie Moon, 
VVhu liole a thimble ui a i.j.uoi; , 
C 



G HUDIBRAS. 

And tho' they nntliing- will confess. 

Yet by their very looks can guess, 

And tell what guilty aspect bodes, 595 

Who stole, and who receiy'd the goods. 

They'll question Mars, and by his look. 

Detect who 'twas that nimm'd a clokc ; 

Make Mercury confess, and 'peach 

Those thieves which he himself did teach. 600 

They'll find i' th' physiognomies 

O' th' planets, all men's destinies ; 

Like him that took the doctor's bill, 

And swallow'd it instead o' th' pill : 

Cast the nativity o' th' question, 605 

And from positions to be guess'd on, 

As sure as if they knew the moment 

Of native's birth tell what will come on't. 

They'll feel the pulses of the stars, 

To find out agues, coughs, catarrhs ; 610 

And tell what crisis does divine 

The rot in sheep, or mange in swine : 

In men, what gives or cures tho itch ; 

What makes them cuckolds, poor or rich ; 

What gains or loses, hangs or saves ; 615 

What makes men great, what fools or knaves, 

But not wliat wise ; for only of those 

The stars (they say) cannot dispose, 

No more tiian can the astrologians ; 

There they say right, and like true Trojans. 620 

This Ralpho knew, and therefore took 

The other coarse, of which we spoke. 

Thus was th' accomplish'd Squire endu'd 
With gifts and knowledge per'lous shrewd. 
Never did trusty Squire with Knight, 625 

Or Knight with Squire, e'er jump more right. 
Their arms and equipage did fit, 
As well as virtues, parts, and wit. 
Their valours too were of a rate ; 
And out they sally'd at tiie gate. - SS""' 

Few miles on horseback liad they jogged. 
But Fortune unto t!iem tuni'd dogged ; 
Fcr tlioy a sad adventure met, 
O^vv'jich anon we mean to treat; 



PART L— CANTO L 2; 

But ero we venture to unfold (J3i 

Achievements so rosolv'd and bold, 

We should, as learned poets use, 

Invoke the assistance of some muses 

However, critics count it sillier 

Than jugcrlers talking to familiar. (J40 

We think 'tis no liroat matter which ; 

They're all ahkc ; yet wo shall pitch 

On one that fits our purpose most, 

Whom therefore thus do we accost : 

Thou that with ale, or viler liquors, 645 

Didst inspire Withers, Pryn, and Vickars, 
And force them, tho' it was in spite 
Of nature and their stars, to write; 
Who. as we find in sullen writs, 
And cross-grain'd works of modern wits, 650 
With vanity, opinion, want, 
The wonder of the ignorant, 
The praises of the author, penn'd 
B' himself, or wit-ensuring' friend ; 
The itch of picture in the front, 655 

With bays and wicked rhyme upon't ; 
All that is left o' th' forked hill, 
To make men scribble without skill ; 
Canst make a poet spite of fate, 
And teach all people to translate, 660 

Tho' out of languages in which 
They understand no part of speech ; 
Assist me but this once, I 'raplore, 
And I shall trouble thee no more. 

In western clime there is a town, 665 

To those that dwell therein well known ; 
Therefore there needs no more be said hero ; 
We unto them refer our reader ; 
For brevity is very good. 

When w' are, or are not, understood. 67(1 

To this town people did repair, 
On days of market, or of fair, 

046. This Vickars vvas a man of as great interest ard 
autliority in the late Reformation as Pryn or Wiineis^ 
and as rdile a poet. He translated Virgil's it^neids intc; 
as hnrrih'e travesty in earnest, as the French Scaroorv 
did in burlesque, and '.vas only outdone in his way hy 
the politic author of Oceana 



'2t' HUDIBRAS. 

And to crack'd fiddlo, and horse tabor, 

In merriment did dnidgo and labour. 

But now a sport more formidable 675 

Had rak'd to,f!fctiicr village rabble ; 

'Twas an old v/ay of recreating, 

Which learned butchers call bear-baiting : 

A bold adveufrous exercise, 

Witii ancient heroes in high prize : 680 

For authors do affirm it came 

From Islhmean or Nemean game : 

Others derive it from the bear 

That's fixM in northern hemisphere, 

And round about the pole does make 685 

A circle like a bear at stake, 

That at the chain's end wheels about, 

And overturns the rabble-rout. 

For after solemn proclamation. 

In the bear's name (as is the fashion, 690 

According to the law of arms. 

To keep men from inglorious harms,) 

That none presume to come so near 

As forty foot of stake of bear, 

If any yet be so fool-hardy, 695 

T' expose themselves to vain jeopardy 

If they come wounded off, and lame. 

No honour's got by such a maim ; 

Altho' the bear gain much, b'ing bound 

In honour to make good his ground, 700 

When he's engag'd, and takes no notice, 

If any press upon hira, who 'tis ; 

But lets them know, at their own cost, 

That he intends to keep his post. 

This to prevent, and other harms, 705 

Which always wait on feats of arms 

(For in the hurry of a fray 

"Tis hard to keep out of harms way,) 

Thither tlsc Knight his course did steer, 

To keep the peace 'twixt dog and bear ; 710 

As he bclicv'd lie was bound to do 

in conscience, and commission too ; 



PART I.^CANTO i. m 

And tli«fefbre thus bespoke the Squire : 

We tliat are wisely mounted higher 
Tlian constables in curule wit, 715 

When on tribunal bench we sit, 
Like speculators should foresee, 
From Pharos ^f authority, 
Portended mischiefs -farther than 
Low Proletarian tything-men : 720- 

And therefore being inform 'd by bruit, 
That dog and bear are to dispute ; 
For so of late men fighting name, 
Because they often prove the same 
(For where the iirst does hap to be, 725 

The last does coincidere ;) 
Quantum in nobis, have thought good. 
To save th' expense of Christian blood. 
And try if we by mediation 
Of treaty and accommodation, 730 

Can end the quarrel, and compose 
The bloody duel without blows. 
Are not our liberties, our lives. 
The laws, religion, and our wives, 
Enough at once to lie at stake 735 

For Covenant and the Cause's sake :" 
But in that quarrel dogs and bears, 
As well as we, must venture theirs ^ 
This feud, by Jesuits invented. 
By evil counsel is fomented ; 740 

Their is a Machiavelian plot 
(Tlio' every nare olfact it not,) 
A deep design in't, to divide ^ 
The well-affected that confide. 
By setting brother against brother, 745 

To claw and curry one another. 
Have we not enemies, plus satis. 
That, cane et angue pejus, hate us? 

740. This speecli is set down as it was delivered by ttie 
Knight, in his own words ; but since it is below the 
gravity of hernical poetry to admit of humour, but ail 
men are obliged to speak wisely alike, and too much of 
so extravagimt a folly would become tedious and im- 
pertinent, the rest of his harangues liave only his sense 
expressed in other words, unless in sonie i'ew placer> 
where his own ^.vords could not be so well avoided. 



30 HUDIBRAS. 

And shall wo turn our fangs and claws 

Upon our owii s(i!vcs, without cause ? 750 

That Romo orcult design doth lie 

Jn bloody cynarctomachy, 

Is plain enough to him that knows 

How saints lead brothers by the nose. 

I wish myself a ])seudo-propliet, 755 

But sure some mischief will come of it ; 

Urdcss by providential wit, 

Or force, wo averruncate it. 

For what design, what interest, 

Can beast have to encounter beast .'' 760 

They fight for no espoused cause, 

Frail privilege, fundamental laws, 

Nor for a thorough reformation, 

For covenant, nor protestation, 

Nor liberty of consciences, 765 

Nor Lords and Commons' ordinances ; 

Nor for the church, nor for church-lands, 

To get them in their own no-hands ; 

Nor evil counsellors to bring 

To justice that seduce the king ; 770 

Nor" for the worship of us men, 

Though we have done as much for them. 

Th' Egyptians worshipped dogs, and for 

Their faith made internecine war. 

Others ador'd a rat, and some 775 

For that church sufFer'd martyrdom. 

The Indians fought for the truth 

Of th' elephant and monkey's tooth, 

752. Cynarctomachy signifies nothing in the world 
1)11 1 a figlit between dogs and bears ; though both the 
l(;arned and ignorant agree that in such words very great 
knowledge is contained : and our Knight, as one, or both 
of those, was of the same opinion. 

758. Another of the same kmd, which, though it ap- 
pear ever so learned and profound, means nothing else 
but the weeding of corn. 

778. The History of the White Elephant and the 
Monkey's Toolli, whicli the Indians adored, is written 
oy Mons. Ic Blanc. This monkey's tooth was taken by 
the Portuguese from those that worshipped it; and 
though they offered a vast ransom for it, yet the Chris- 
tians were persuaded by their priests rather to burn it. 
But as soon as the fire was kindled, all the jjcople present 
wore not able to endure the horrible stink that came from 
a ;is !f the iirc had becii made «f 'I'c sanit; iiigredient.9 



PART I.-^CANTO I. 31 

.liiii many, to defend that faith, 

Fought it out, mordicus, to death. # 780 

But no beast ever was so shght. 

For man, as for his God, to fight. 

They have more wit, alas ! and luiow 

Themselves-and us better than so. 

But we, who only do infuse 7S5 

The rage in them hke Eoute-feas ; 

'Tis our example that instils 

In them th' infection of our ills. 

For, as some late philosopliers 

Have well observed, beasts that converse 790 

With man take after him, as hogs 

Get pigs all th' year, and bitches dogs. 

Just so, by our example cattle 

Learn to give one another battle. 

We read in Nero's time the heathen, 795 

When they destroy'd the Christian brethren, 

Did sew them in the skins of bears, 

And then set dogs about their ears : 

From thence, no doubt, th' invention came 

Of this lewd antichristian game. 800 

To this, quoth Ralpho, Verily 
The point seems very plain to me. 
It is an antichristian game. 
Unlawful both in thing and name. 
First, for the name : the word bear-baiting 805 
Is carnal, and of man's creating : 
For certainly there's no such word 
In all the Scripture on record ; 
Therefore unlav.'ful, and a sin : 
And so is (secondly) the thing. 810 

A vile assembly 'tis, that can 
No more be provM by Scripture than 
Provincial, classic, national ; 
Mere human creature-cobwebs all. 
Thirdly, it is idolatrous ; 815 

For when men run a whoring thus 

with which seamen use to compose that kind of grana- 
dos which they call stinkards. 

786. Boute-feus is a French word, and therefore it 
were uncivil to suppose any English person (especially 
of quality) ignorant of it, or so ill-bred as to need an ex- 
position. 



32 HUDIBRAS. 

Willi Uieir invonUons, whatsoe''er 

The tkinfT be, wiioUier doir or bear, 

It is idolatrous and pagan, 

No less than worshippiiiii- of Dagon. S20' 

Quoth Fludibras, t smell a rat : 
Ralpho, thou dost prevaricate ; 
For though the thesis vvhicli thou lay''st 
Bo true ad amussim, as thou say'st 
(For that bear-bating should appear 8^3 

Jure divino lawfuller 
Than synods arc, thou dost deny, 
Totidem verbis; so do I;) 
Yet there's a fallacy in this ; 
For if by sly homceosis, 830' 

Tussis pro crepitu, an art 
Under a cough to slur a f — t, 
Thou wouldst sophistically imply 
Both are unlawful, I deny. 

And I (quoth Ralpho) do not doubt 835 

But bear-baiting may be made out. 
In gospel-times, as lav/ful as is 
Provincial or parochial classis ; 
And that both are so near of kin, 
And hke in all, as well as sin, 840 

That put them in a bag and shake 'em, 
Yourself o' th' sudden would mistake 'em, 
And not know which is which, unless 
You measure by their wickedness : 
For 'tis not hard t' imagine whether 845 

O' th' two is worst ; tho' I name neither. 

Quoth Hudibras, Thou offer 'st much. 
But art not able to keep touch, 
Mira de lente, as 'tis i' th' adage, 
f d est to make a leek a cabbage ; 850 

Thou wilt at best but suck a bull, 
Or shear swine, all cry and no wool ; 
For what can synods have at all 
With bear that's analogical ? 
Or what relation has debating - 855 

Of church-affairs with bear-baiting ? 
A just comparison still is 
Qf things ejusdem generis; 



PART I —CANTO I. 33 

And then what genius rightly doth 
Inchidc and comprehend them both ? 860 

If animal, both of us may 
As justly pass for bears as they ; 
For wo arc animals no less, 
Altlio' of different specieses. 
But, Ralpho, tiiis is no fit place 865 

Nor time to argue out the case : 
For now the field is not far off, 
Where we must give the world a proof 
Of deeds, not words, and such as suit 
Another manner of dispute ; 870 

A controversy that affords 
Actions for arguments, not words ; 
Which we must manage at a rate 
Of prowess and conduct adequate 
To what our place and fame doth promise, 875 
And all the godly expect from us. 
Nor shall they be deceiv'd, unless 
We ""re slurr'd and outcd by success ; 
Success, the mark no mortal wit. 
Or surest hand, can always hit : 880 

For whatsoo'er v/e perpetrate. 
We do but row, we're steer'd by Fate, 
Which in success oft disinherits, 
For spurious causes, noblest merits. 
Great actions are not always true sons 885 
Of great and mighty resolutions ; 
Nor do the bold'st attempts bring forth 
Events still equal to their worth ; 
But sometimes fail, and in their stead 
Fortune and cowardice succeed. 890 

Yet we have no great cause to doubt ; 
Our actions still have borne us out ; 
Wliich, tho' they're known to be so ample, 
We need not copy from example. 
We're not the only persons durst 895 

Attempt tliis province, nor the first. 
In northern clime a valrous knight 
Did whilom kill his bear in fight. 
And wound a fiddler ; we have both 
Of these the objects of our wroth, 900 

€ 2 



34 HUDiBRAS. 

And equal fame and glory from 
Th' attempt or victory to come. 
'Tis sung, there is a valiant Mamaluke 

In foreign land, yclep'd 

To whom we have been oft compar'd 905 

For person, parts, address, and beard ; 

3Jotli cquiiJly reputed stout, 

/\!i;! ill (he same cause boLJi have fought; 

lie oft in sucli attempts as these 

C'ame off with glory and success; 910 

Nor will we fail in th' execution, 

For want of equal resolution. 

Honour is like a widow, won 

With brisk attempt and putting on ; 

Witli enfring manfully, and urging; 915 

Not slow approaches, like a virgin. 

'Tis said, as erst the Phrygian knight, 
So ours with rusty steel did smite 

903. Main!\luke is the name of the militia of the sul- 
tans of Egypt. It signified a sarvant or soldier. They 
were coininoiily captives talien from among the Christ- 
ians, and instructed in mihtary disciphne, and did not 
marry. Tlieir power was great; for besides tliat the 
siiUans was cliosen out of their body, tliey disposed of 
the most imporlant offices of the kingdom. They were 
formidable about two hundred years ; till at last Selim, 
sultan of the Turks, routed them, and killed their sultan 
near Aleppo, 1516, and so put an end to the empire of 
Mamalukes, which had lasted 2(>7 years. 

No question but the rhyme to Mamaluke was meant 
Sir Samuel Luke, of whom in the preface. 

913. Our English proverbs are not impertinent to tliis 
purpose : 

Ho that woos a maid must seldom come in her sight . 
But he iliat wous a widow, must woo her day and night, 
lie that woos a maul, must feign, lie, and flatter ; 
Bui hi! that woos a widow, must down with his breeches 
and at her. 

This proverb being somewhat immodest, Mr. Ray says 
he would not have it inserted in his collection, but that 
he met with it in a liule book, entitled the Quakers' Spi- 
iit\ial Court proclaimed; written by Namaniel Smith, 
student in Physic ; wherein the author mentions it as 
counsel given him by Hilkiah Bedford, an eminent Qua- 
ker in London, who would have had him to have mar- 
ried a rich widow, in whose house he lodged- In case 
he could get her, this Nathaniel Smith had promised 
[lilkiah a chamber gratis. The whole narrative is 
wtHih lilt; rcndnig. 



PART I.— CANTO II. 35 

His Trojan horse, and just as mucli 

He mended pace upon the loucii ; 920 

But from his empty stomach groaned 

Just as that hollow beast did sound, 

And angry answered from behind, 

With brandish'd tail and blast of wind. 

So have I seen with armed lieel, 925 

A wight bestride a common-weal ; 

While still the more he kickVl and spurr-d 

The less the sullen jade had stirr'd. 



CANTO 11. 

The catalogue and character 

Of tl)' enemies' best men of war ; 

Whom, in a bold harangue, the Knight 

Defies, and challenges to fight. 

H' encounters Talgo), routs the Bear, 

And takes the Fiddler prisoner, 

Conveys hiin to enchanted castle ; 

There shuts hmi fast in wooden bastile. 

There was an ancient sage philosopher, 

That had read Alexander Ross over, 

And swore the world, as lie could prove. 

Was made of fighting and of love: 

Just so Romances arc, for what else S 

Is in them all, but love and battles? 

O' th' first of these we've no great matter 

To treat of, but a world o' th' latter ; 

In which to do the injured right 

We mean, in what concerns just fight. 10 

Certes our aulliors are to blame, 

For to make some well-sounding name 

A pattern fit for modern knights 

To copy out in fray's and fights ; 

Tjike those that a whole street do raze , 15 

To build a palace in the place. 

They never care how many others 

They kill, without regard ofmoUiers, 

Or wives, or children, so ihoy can 

IVIake up some fierce, dcad-duiri'- nian. 2S 

<'ompos'd of uKDiy ingredieiil. valours. 

Just like the manhood of nine tailors. 



36 HUDlliKAb. 

So a wild Tartar, when lie spico 

A man that's handsome, valiant, wit,c, 

If he can kill him, thinks t' inherit ^^6 

His wit, his beauty, and his spirit ; 

As if just so much lie enjoy'd 

As in another is desiroy'd. 

For when a giant'ii slain in fight, 

And mow'd o'erthwart, or cleft downright, 30 

It is a heavy case no doubt, 

A man should have his brains beat out 

Because he's tall, and lias large bones , 

As men kill beavers for their stones. 

But as for our part, we shall tell 35 

The naked truth of what befel; 

And as an equal friend to both 

The Knight and Bear, but more to trotii, 

With neither faction shall take part, 

But give to each his due desert ; 40 

And never coin a formal lie on't, 

To make the Kniglit o''crcome the giant. 

This b''ing profest, we\e hopes enougli, 

And now"js/o on where we loft off. 

They rode ; but authors having not 4.' 

Determin'd wlietlicr pace or trot 
(That is to say, whether tullutatiou. 
As they do term 't, or succussation,) 
We leave it, and go on, as now 
Suppose tliey did, no matter how ; 50 

Yet some from subtle hints have got 
Mysterious light, it was a trot : 
But let that pass : they now begun 
To spur tlieir living engines on. 
For as whippM tops, and bandy'd balL, bb 

The learned hold, are animals ; 
So horses they affirm to be 
Mere engines made by geometry ; 
And were invented first from engines. 
As Indian Britons were from Penguins. GO 

47 Tulhuatitm and succvissalion are onlyLatiii word3 
for ambling and tioUinj;, tliougli I believe both were 
natural amongst Ibc old Romans; since I never read 
they mside use ol' the iramuiol or any other ait, to i)ac>: 
Ihiir lioisps. 

?)0- Thf; Aiucricau Iiidiau& cull a great bird they hav»: 



PART I.— CANTO II. 37 

So let them be : and, as I was saying, 
They their live engines plyM, not staying 
Until they reach'd the fatal champaign, 
Which th' enemy did then encamp on ; 
The dire Pharsalian plain, where battle G5 

Was to be wag'd 'twixt puissant cattle 
And fierce auxiliary men, 
That came to aid their brethren, 
Who now began to take the field. 
As Kniglit from ridge of steed beheld. 70 

For as our modern wits behold, 
Mounted a pick-back on the old. 
Much farther off, much farther he, 
RaisM on his aged beast could see ; 
Yet not sufficient to descry 75 

All postures of the enemy; 
Wherefore he bids the Squire ride farther, 
T' observe their numbers, and their order ; 
That when their motions he had known, 
■He miglit know how to fit his own. 60 

Meanwhile he stopp'd his willing steed, 
To fit himself for martial deed. 
Both kinds of metal he prepar'd, 
-Either to give blows or to ward : 
Courage and steel, both of great force, 85 

Prepar'd for better or for v/orse. 
His death-charg'd pistols he did fit well, 
Drawn out from life-preserving vittle. 
These being prim'd, with force he labour'd 
To free 's sword from retentive scabbard ; 90 
And, after many a painful pluck, 
From rusty durance he bail'd tuck. 
Then shook himself, to see that prowess 
In scabbard of his arms sat loose : 
And, raised upon his despVate foot, 95 

On stirrup-side, he gaz'd about, 
with a white head, a penguin ; which signifies the same 
•thing in the British tongue : from whence (with otiier 
words of the same I<ind) some authors have endeavour- 
ed to prove, that tlie Americans arc originally derived 
from the BritoiiS. 

G5. Pharsaiia is a cifA'of Thpssalj', famous for tlie 
battle won hy Julius Ctesar against Pompey the Great, 
in the neiglibouiing plains, in tlie 607lh year of Rome, 
of which read Lucan's Pharsaiia. 



38 HUDIBRAS. 

Portending blood, like blazing star, 

The beacon of approaching war. 

Ralpho rode on with no less speed 

Than Hugo in the forest did ; 100 

But far more in returning made ; 

For now the foe he had survey'd, 

Rang'd as to him they did appear, 

With van, main battle, wings, and rear. 

r th' head of all this warlike rabble 105 

Crowdero marchM, expert and able. 

Instead of trumpet and of drum, 

That makes the warrior's stomach come, 

Whose noise whets valour sharp, like beer 

By thunder turn'd to vinegar, 110 

(F'or if a trumpet sound, or drum beat, 

Who has not a month's mind to combat?) 

A squeaking engine he apply'd 

Unto his neck, on north-east side. 

Just where the hangman does dispose, 115 

To special friends, the knot of noose : 

For 'tis great grace, when statesmen straight 

Dispatch a friend, let otiiers wait. 

His warped ear hung o'er the strings, 

Which was but souse to chitterlings : 120 

For guts, some write, ere they are sodden. 

Are fit for music, or for pudden ; 

From whence men borrow ev'ry kind 

Of minstrelsy by string or wind. 

His grisly beard was long and thick, 125 

With which he strung his fiddle-stick ; 

For he to horse-tail scorn'd to owe 

For what on his own chin did grow. 

Chiron, the four-leggM bard, had both 

A beard and tail of his own growth ; 130 

And yet by authors 'tis averr'd, 

He made use only of his beard. 

129. Chiron, a Centaur, son to Saturn and Phillyris, 
living in tlie mountains, wliere, being much given to 
hunting, he became very knowing in the virtues of 
plants, and one of the most famous physicians of his 
tune. Me impai ti'd his skill to iEsculapius, and was af- 
terward Aitollo'sgovcrnor,until being wounded by Her 
cules,and de.siring to die, Jupiter placed him in hraveif 
where he forms the sign of Sagittarius or the Arches 



PART I.— CANTO II. 39 

In Staffordshire, where virtuous worth 

Does raise the minstrelsy, not birth ; 

Where bulls do choose the boldest king, 135 

And ruler, o'er the men of strinc^, 

(As once in Persia, 'tis said, 

Kings were proclaim'd by a horse that neigh'd ;) 

He bravely featuring at a crown, 

By chance of war was beaten down, 140 

And wounded sore. His leg then broke, 

Had got a deputy of oak : 

For when a shin in fight is cropp'd. 

The knee with one of timber 's propped, 

Esteem'd more honourable than the other, 145 

And takes place, though the younger brother. 

Next marcliM brave Orsin famous for 
Wise conduct, and success in war : 
A skilful leader, stout, severe. 
Now marshal to the champion bear. 150 

With trunchion, tipp'd with iron head. 
The warrior to the lists he led ; 
With solemn march and stately pace, 
But far more grave and solemn face ; 
Grave as the Emperor of Pegu, 155 

Or Spanish Potentate, Don Diego. 
This leader was of knowledge great, 
Either for charge or for retreat. 
He knew when to fall on pell-mell ; 
To fall back and retreat as well. 160 

So lawyers, lest the bear defendant, 
And plaintiff dog, should make an end on't, 
Do stave and tail with writs of error, 
Reverse of judgment, and demurrer. 
To let them breathe a while, and then 165 

Cry whoop, and set them on agen. 
As Romulus a wolf did rear. 
So he was dry-nursM by a bear. 
That fed him with the purchas'd prey 
Of many a fierce and bloody fray ; 170 

133. The vvliole history of Ihis ancient ceremony you 
may read at hus.e in Dr. Plot's History of Staffordshire, 
under the town Tutbury. 

155. For the history of Pegu, read Mandelsa and Ole- 
arius's Travels. 



40 HUDIBRAS. 

Bred up where discipline most rare is, 

In military Garden Paris, 

For soldiers lieretofore did grow 

In gardens just as weeds do now, 

Until some splay-foot politicians 175. 

T' Apollo offer'd up petitions 

P^'or licensing a new invention 

They'd found out of an antique engine, 

To root out all the weeds that grow 

In public gardens at a blow, 180' 

And leave th' herbs standing. Quoth Sir Sun, 

My friends, that is not to be done. 

Not done ! quoth statesmen ; yes, an't please ye, 

When it's once known, you'll say 'tis easy. 

Why then let 's know it, quoth Apollo : 185 

We'll beat a drum, and they'll all follow. 

A drum ! (quoth Phoebus ;) troth, that's true ; 

A pretty invention, quaint and new. 

But though of voice and insti-ument 

We are the undoubted president, 190' 

We such loud music don't profess ; 

The devil's master of that office. 

Where it must pass ; if 't be a drum. 

He'll sign it with Cler. Pari. Dom. Com. 

To him apply yourselves, and he 195 

Will soon dispatch you for his fee. 

They did so ; but it prov'd so ill, 

Th' had better let 'em grow there still. 

But to resume what we discoursing 

Were on before, that is, stout Orsin : 200 

That which so oft, by sundry writers. 

Has been applied t' almost all fighters. 

More justly may h' ascrib'd to this 

Than any other warrior, (viz.) 

None ever acted both parts bolder, 205 

Both of a chieftain and a soldier. 

He was of great descent, and high 

For splendour and antiquity ; 

And from celestial origine 

Deriv'd himself in a right line : 210. 

172. Paris Garden, in Soutlnvark, took its name- 
from the possessor. 



PART I.— CANTO II. 41 

Not as the ancient heroes did, 

Who, that their hase births might be hid 

(Knowing they were of doubtful gender, 

And that they came in at a windore,) 

Made Jupiter himself, and others 215 

O' th' gods, gallants to their own mothers, 

To get on them a race of champions 

(Of which old Homer first made lampoons.) 

Arctophylax, in northern sphere. 

Was his undoubted ancestor : 220 

From him his great forefathers came. 

And in all ages bore his name. 

Learned he was in med'c'nal lore ; 

For by his side a pouch he wore. 

Replete with strange hermetic powder, 225 

That wounds nine miles point-blank would sol- 

By skilful chemist, with great cost, [der. 

Extracted from a rotten post ; 

But of a heav'nlier influence 

Than that which mountebanks dispense : 230 

Though by Prometliean fire made, 

As they do quack that drive that trade. 

For as when slovens do amiss 

At others' doors, by stool or piss. 

The learned write, a red-hot spit 235 

B'ing prudently apply'd to it, 

231. P-rometheaii fire. Prometheus was the son of 
lapetus, and brother of Atlas, concerning whom the 
poets have feigned, that having first formed men of the 
earth and water, he stole fire from heaven to put life into 
them; and that having thereby displeased Jupiter, he 
commanded Vulcan to tie him to Mount Caucasus with 
iron chains, and that a vulture should prey upon his 
liver continually : but the truth of the story is, that Pro- 
metheus was an astrologer, and constant in observing 
the stars upon that mountain ; and that, among other 
things, he found the art of making fire, either by the 
means of a flint, or by contracting the sun-beams in a 
glass. Bochart will have Magog, in the Scripture, to be 
the Promf'thens of the Pagans. 

He here and before sarcastically derides those wlio 
were groat admirers of the sympathetic powder and 
v/eapon salve, wliich were in great repute in those days, 
and much proiuoted by tlie great Sir Kenelm Digby, 
who wrote a treatise ex professo on that subject, and, t 
believe, thought what he wrote to be true, which since 
has been aUnost exploded out of the world. 



42 nu]:)fi]RAs. 

Will convoy inischif:f from the dung 

Unto the part that did the wrong, 

So tliis did hcalinir ; and as sure 

As that did mischief, tliis could cure. 240 

Thus virtuous Orsin was endu'd 
With learnino', conduct, fortitude, 
jneomparable : and as the prince 
Of poets. Homer, sung long since, 
A skilful leech is better far 245 

Than half an hundred men of war, 
So he appear 'd ; and by his skill. 
No less than dint of sword, could kill. 

The gallant Bruin march'd next him, 
With visage formidably grim, 250 

And rugged as a Saracen, 
Or Turk of Mahomet's own kin ; 
Clad in a mantle della guerre 
Of rough impenetrable fur ; 
And in his nose, like Indian king, 255 

He wore, for ornament, a ring ; 
About his neck a threefold gorget, 
As rough as trebled leathern target ; 
Armed, as heralds, cant,, and langued ; 
Or, as the vulgar say, sharp-lunged. 260 

For as the teem in beasts of prey 
Are swords, with which they fight in fray ; 
So swords, in men of war, are teeth. 
Which they do eat their vittle with. 
He was by birth, some authors write, 265 

A Russian ; some, a Muscovite ; 
And 'mong the Cossacks had been bred, 
Of whom we in diurnals read, 
That serve to fill up pages here, 
As with their bodies ditches there. 270^ 

Scrimansky was his cousin-german. 
With whom he serv'd, and fed on vermin ; 
And when these fail'd, he'd suck his claws. 
And quarter himself upon his paws ; 

2G7. Cossacks are a people that live near Poland. 
This name was given them for their extraordinary 
nimbleness ; for cosa, or kosa, in the Polish tongue, sig- 
nifies a goat. He that would know more of thf m, may 
r«ad Le Laboreur and Thuldenus. 



PART I.— CANTO II. 43 

And though liis countrymen, tlio Huns, 275 

Did stew their meat between their bums 

And th'' horses' backs o'er which they straddle, 

And ev'ry man ate up his saddle ; 

He was not half so nice as they, 

But ate it raw when 't came in's way, 280 

He had trac'd countries far and near, 

More than Le Blanc the traveller; 

Who writes, lie spous'd in India, 

Of noble house, a lady gay, 

And got on her a race of worthies, 285 

As stout as any upon earth is. 

Full many a fight for him between 

Talgol and Orsin oft had been ; 

Each striving to deserve the crown 

Of a sav'd citizen ; the one 290 

To guard his bear ; the other fought 

To aid his dog ; both made more stout 

By several spurs of neighbourhood, 

Church-fellow-membership, and blood ; 

But Talgol, mortal foe to cows, 295 

Never got ought of him but blows ; 

Blows hard and heavy, such as he 

Had lent, repaid with usury. 

Yet Talgol was of courage stout. 
And vanquished offner than he fought : 300 
Inur'd to labour sweat, and toil. 
And like a champion shone with oil. 
Right many a widow his keen blade, 
And many fatherless had made. 
He many a boar and huge dun-cow 305 

Did, like another Guy, o'erthrow ; 
But Guy with him in fight compared, 
Had like the boar or dun-cow far'd. 

275. This custom of the Pluns is described bj^ Amniia- 
nus Mnrcellinus, ' Huntii semicruda cujiisvis Peccoris 
came vescuiitur, quam inter femora sua et equorum 
terjra sutisertam, calefacient brevi.' P. 686. 

283. Tlie story of Le Blanc, of a bear tliat married n 
king's dauijhter, is no more strange than many otliers, in 
most travellers, that pass with allowance ; for if they 
."^hould write notliing but what is possible, or probable, 
tney might appear to have lost their labour, and observed 
nothing hut wh.at thpy might have done as well at home. 



44 HUDIBRAS. 

With greator troops of sheep h' had fought 

Than Ajax or bold Don Quixote : 3IU 

And many a serpent of fell kind, 

With wings before and stings behind, 

Subdu'd, as poets say, long agone, 

Bold Sir George, St. George, did the dragon. 

Nor engine, nor device polemic, 315 

Disease, nor doctor epidemic, 

Tho" stor'd with deletery medicines 

(Which whosoever took is dead since,) 

E'er sent so vast a colony 

To both the under worlds as he : 320 

For he was of that noble trade 

That demi-gods and heroes made, 

Slaughter and knocking on the head. 

The trade to which they all were bred ; 

And is, like others, glorious when 325 

'Tis great and large, but base if mean : 

The former rides in triumph for it. 

The latter in a two-wheeFd chariot, 

For daring to profane a thing 

So sacred with vile bungling. 330 

Next these the brave Magnano came; 
Magnano, great in martial fame. 
Yet when with Orsin he wag'd fight, 
'Tis sung, he got but little by 't. 
Yet he was fierce as forest boar, 335 

Whose spoils upon his back he wore. 
As thick as Ajax' seven-fold shield, 
Which o'er his brazen arms he held : 
But brass was feeble to resist 
The fury of his armed fist ; 340 

Nor could the hard'st ir'n hold out 
Against his blows, but they would through't. 

In magic he was deeply read 
As he that made the brazen head 
Profoundly skilfd in the black art, 345 

As English Merlin for his heart ; 
put far more skilful in the spheres 
Than he was at the sieve and shears. - 

343. Roger Bacon and Merlin. See Collier's Dic- 
tionary 



PART I.^CANTO II. 45 

He could transform himself in colour 

As like the devil as a collier ; 350 

As like as hypocrites in show 

Are to true saints, or crow to crow. 

Of warlike engines he was autlior, 

Devis'd for quick dispatch of slaughter : 

The cannon, Wunderbuss, and saker, 355 

He was th' inventor of, and maker: 

The trumpet, and tlie kettle-drum, 

Did both from his invention come. 

He was the first that e'er did teach 

To make, and how to stop, a breach. 3G0 

A lance he bore with iron pike ; 

Th' one half would thrust, the other strike ; 

And when their forces he had join'd, 

He scorn 'd to turn his parts behind. 

He TruUa lov'd ; Trulla, more bright 365 
Than burnish'd armour of her knight: 
A bold virago, stout and tall 
As Joan of France, or English Mall, 
Thro' perils both of wind and limb. 
Thro' thick and thin, she followed him, 370 
In ev'ry adventure h' undertook, 
And never him or it forsook : 
At breach of wall, or hedge surprise, 
She shar'd i' th' hazard and the prize : 
At beating quarters up, or forage, 375 

Behav'd herself with matchless courage ; 
And laid about in fight more busily 
Than th' Amazonian dame Penthesile. 

And though some critics here cry shame, 
And say our authors are to blame, 380 

That (spite of all philosophers. 
Who hold no females stout but bears, 
And heretofore did so abhor 
That women should pretend to war, 

368. Two notorious women ; the last was known 
here by the name of Mall Cntpurse. 

378. Pentliesile, queen of ihe Amazons, succeedctt 
Orythia She carried succours to the Trojuns, and af- 
ter having given noble proofs of her bravery, was killed 
by AcJiiiles Pliny saith. it was she that invejited the 
hattle axe. If any one desire to know more of the 
Amazons, let him read Mr. Sanson. 



46 HUDIBRAS. 

They would not anffer the stout'st dame 385 

To swear by Hercules's name) 

Make feeble ladies in their works, 

To fight like termagants and Turks ; » 

To lay their native'arms aside. 

Their modesty, and ride astride ; 390 

To run a-tilt at men, and wield 

Their naked tools in open field ; 

As stout Armida, bold Thalestris, 

And she that would have been the mistress 

Of Gondibert ; but he had grace, 395 

And rather took a country lass ; 

They say, 'tis false, without all sense, 

But of pernicious consequence 

To government which they suppose 

Can never be upheld in prose ; 400 

Strip Natui-e naked to the skin. 

You'll find about her no such thing. 

It may be so ; yet what we tell 

Of Trulla that's improbable, 

385. The old Romans liart particular oaths for men 
and women to swear by ; and therefore Macrobius says, 
' Viri per Castorem non jurabant antiquitus, nee Mulie- 
res per Herculeni ; yl'^depol aulem juranientum erat tiuu 
mulieribiis quam viris commune,' &c. 

393. Two formidable women at arms, in romances, 
that were cudgcjUed into love by their gallants. 

395. Gondibert is a feigned name, made use of by Sir 
William d' Avenantin his famous epic poem, so carted ; 
wherein you may find also that of bis mistress. This 
poem was designed bythe author to be an imitation of the 
English drama : it being divided into five boolts, as the 
other is into five acts ; tlie cantos to be parallel of the 
scenes, with tliis difference, that this is delivered narra- 
tively, the other dialoguewise. It was ushered into the 
world by a large preface written by Mr. Hobbes, and by 
the pens of two of our best poets, viz. Mr. Waller and ]\Ir. 
Cowley,which one would have thought might have prov- 
ed a sufficient defence and protection against snarling 
critics. Notwithstanding which, four eminent wits of 
that age (two of wliich were Sir John Denham and Mr. 
Donne) published several copies of verses to Sir Wil 
ham's discredit, under tliis Utle, Certain Verses written 
by several of theAuthor'sFriends,to be reprintedwiththe 
second edition of Gondibert in 8vo. Lond. 1653 These 
t-'erses were as wittily answered by the aulhor,under tliis 
iitle. The incomparable poem of Gondibert vindicated 
from tlie Wit Combat of four Esquires, Clinias, Damoe- 
tas, Scincho, and .hick Pudding ; printed in 8vo. Lond. 
l(i.')5. Vide L;vn."baars Account of Dramatic Poets, 



PART I.— CANTO U. 47 

phall be disposed by those whoVe seen't 405 
«.)r, wliat's as good, produc'd in print . 
And if they will not take our word, 
We'll prove it true upon record. 

The upright Cerdon next advanc't, 
Of all his race the valiant'st : 410 

Cerdon the Great, renown'd in song, 
Ijike Herclos, for repair of wrong : 
He raised the low and fortify 'd 
The weak against the strongest side : 
111 has he read, that never hit 415 

On him in Muses'' deathless writ. 
He had a weapon keen and fierce, 
That through a bull-hide shield would pierce, 
And cut it in a thousand pieces, 
Tho' tougher than the Knight of Greece, his 
With whom his black-thumb 'd ancestor 421 
Was comrade in the ten years' war : 
For when the restless Greeks sat down 
So many years before Troy town, 
And were renown'd, as Homer writes, 4?5 

For well sofd boots no less than fights, 
They ow"d that glory only to 
His ancestor that made them so. 
Fast friend he was to Reformation, 
Until 'twas worn quite out of fashion. 430 

Next rectifier of wry law, 
And would make three to cure one flaw. 
Learned he was, and could take note, 
Transcribe, collect, translate, and quote. 
But preaching was his chiefest talent, 435 

Or argument, in which b'ing valiant, 
He us'd to lay about and stickle. 
Like ram or bull, at conventicle : 
For disputants, like rams and bulls. 
Do fight with arms that spring from skulls. 440 

Last Colon came, bold man of war, 
Destin'd to blows by fatal star ; 
Right expert in command of horse, 
But cruel, and without remorse. 
That wliich of Centaur long ago 445 

Was said, and has been wrested to 



48 HUDIBRAS. 

Some other knights, was true of this ; 

He and his horse were of a piece. 

One spirit did inform them both ; 

The self-same vigour, fury, wroth ; 450 

Yet he was much the rougher part, 

And always had a harder heart : 

Althougia his horse had been of those 

That fed on man's flesh, as fame goes. 

Strange food for horse ! and yet, alas I 455 

It may be true, for flesh is grass. 

Sturdy he was, and no less able 

Than Hercules to clean a stable ; 

As great a drover, and as great 

A critic too, in hog or neat. 460 

He ripp'd the womb up of his mother, 

Dame Tellus, 'cause she wanted fother 

And provender wherewith to feed 

Himself, and his less cruel steed. 

It was a question, whether he 4€5 

Or 's horse were of a family 

More worshipful : 'till antiquaries 

(After th' had almost por'd out their eyes) 

Did very learnedly decide 

The business on tlie horse's side ; 470 

And prov'd not only horse, but cows. 

Nay, pigs, were of the elder house : 

For beasts, when man was but a piece 

Of earth himself, did th' earth possess. 

These worthies were the chief that led 475 
The combatants, each in the head 
Of his command, with arms and rage, 
Ready and longing to engage. 
The numerous rabble was drawn out 
Of sev'ral counties round about, 480 

From villages remote, and shires, 
Of east and western hemispheres : 
From foreign parishes and regions. 
Of different manners, speech, religions. 
Came men and mastiffs ; some to fight 4-;> 
For fame and honour, some for sight. 
And now the field of death, the lists, 
Were cnter'd by antagonists, 



PART I.— CANTO II. 49 

And blood was ready to be broachM, 
When Hudibras in haste approached, 490 

With Squire and weapons, to attack 'em ; 
But first thus from his horse bespake 'em : 

What rage, O citizens ! what fury 
Doth you to these dire actions hurry ? 
What oestrum,*what phrenetic mood, 495 

Makes you thus lavish of your blood, 
While the proud Vies your trophies boast, 

And unreveng'd walks ghost ? 

What towns, what garrisons might you 

With hazard of this blood subdue, 500 

Which now y' are bent to throw away 

In vain, untriumphable fray ! 

Shall saints in civil bloodslied wallow 

Of saints, and let the Cause lie fallow ? 

The Cause for which we fought and swore 505 

So boldly, shall we now give o'er ? 

Then, because quarrels still are seen 

With oaths and swearings to begin. 

The solemn League and Covenant 

Will seem a mere God-dam-me rant ; 510 

And we, that took it, and have fought, 

As lewd as drunkards that fall out. 

For as we make war for the king 

Against himself, the self-same tiling, 

Some will not stick to swear, we do 515 

For God and for religion too : 

For if bear-baiting we allow, 

What good can Reformation do '' 

The blood and treasure that's laid out 

is thrown away, and goes for nought. 520 

Are these the fruits o' th' Protestation, 

The prototype of Reformation, 

Which all the saints, and some, since martyrs, 

Wore in their hats like wedding garters, 

495. OEstrum is not only a Greek word for madness 
but signifies also a gad-bee or horse flyi that torments 
cattle i: the summer, and makes tliem run about as if 
they were mad- 

524. Some few days after the king had accused the 
five members of neason in the House of Commons, 
great crowds of the rabble came down to Westmiiistn- 
hall witli printed copies of the Protestation tied in liieu 
hats like favours. 



50 HUDIBRAS. 

When 'twas resolv'd by eitlier House 52^ 

Six Members quarrel to espouse ? 

Did they for this draw down the rabble, 

With zeal and noises formidable, 

And make all cries about the town 

Join throats to cry the bishops down ? 530 

Who having round begirt the palace 

(As once a month they do the gallows,) 

As members gave the sign about, 

Set up their throats with hideous shout. 

When tinkers bawFd aloud to settle 535 

Church discipline, for patching kettle : 

No sow-gelder did blow his horn 

To geld a cat, but cry'd Reform. 

The oyster-women lock'd their fish up, 

And trudg'd away, to cry. No bishop. 540 

The mousetrap-men laid save-alls by, 

And 'gainst evl counsellors did cry. 

Bothers left old clothes in the lurch. 

And fell to turn and patch the church. 

Some cry'd the Covenant instead 545 

Of pudden-pies and ginger-bread ; 

And some for brooms, old boots and shoes, 

BawFd out to purge the Commons' House. 

Instead of kitchen-stuff, some cry, 

A gospel-preaching ministry ; 550 

And some, for old suits, coats, or cloak. 

No surplices nor Service-book. 

A strange harmonious inclination 

Of all degrees to Reformation. 

And is this all ? Is this the end 555 

To which these carr'ings on did tend? 

Hath public faith, like a young heir. 

For this ta'en up all sorts of ware, 

525. The six members were the Lord Kimbolton, Mr. 
Pym, Mr. Hollis, Mr. Hampden, Sir Arthur Haslerig,^ 
;.ind Mr. Stroud, vvhom the king ordered to be appre-' 
hended, and iheir papers seized ; charging them of plot- 
ting wltli tlie Scots, and favouring the iate tumults; but 
the House voved aga list the arrest of their .persons or 
papers ; whereupon the i<uig having preferred articles 
against those members, he went wiili his guard to the 
House to deniuiid them ; but they, having notice, witli 
drew 



PAFIT I.— CANTO 11. 51 

And run int' every t.raclesman''s book, 

Till both turnM bankrupts, and are broke ? 560 

Did saints for this bring- in their plate, 

And crowd as if they came too late? 

For when they thought the Cause had need on't, 

Happy was he that could be rid on" t. 

Did they coift piss-pots, bowls, and flagons, 505 

Int' officers of horse and dragoons; 

And into pikes and niusqueteers 

Stamp beakers, cups, and porringers? 

A thimble, bodkin, and a spoon, 

Did start up living men as soon 570 

As in tlie furnace they were tlu'own, 

Just like the dragon's teeth b'ing sown. 

Then was the Cause of gold and plate, 

The brethren's off rings, consecrate, 

Like th' Hebrew calf, and down before it 575 

The saints fell prostrate to adore it : 

So say the wicked — and will you 

Make that sarcasmus scandal true, 

By running after dogs and bears. 

Beasts more unclean than calves or steers ? 580 

Have pow'rful preachers ply'd their tongues, 

And laid themselves out and their lungs ; 

Us'd all means, both direct and sinister, 

I' th' power of gospel-preaching minister? 

Have they invented tones to win 585 

The women, and make them draw in 

The men, as Indians with a female 

Tame elephant inveigle the male ? 

Have they told Prov'dence vvhat it must do, 

Whom to avoid, and whom to trust to ? 590 

Discovered th' enemy's design. 

And which way best to countermine ? 

Prescribed what ways it hath to work, 

Or it will ne'er advance the kirk ? 

Told it the news o' th' last express, 595 

And after good or bad success 

Made prayers, not to like petiti *ns 

As overtures and propositions 

578. Abusive or iuMiilJriE; had been better, but our 
Kuight believed the leariicd lriiijj,uages more convenient 
to understand in than iiis own mother-tongue. 



52 HUDIBRAS. 

(Such as the army did present 

To their creator, th' Parhament,) 600 

In which they freely will confess 

They will not, cannot, acquiesce, 

Unless the work be carry 'd on 

In the same way they have begun, 

By setting church and common-weal 605 

All on a flame, bright as their zeal, 

On which the saints were all agog, 

And all this for a bear and dog ? 

The Parliament drew up petitions 

To 'tself, and sent them, like commissions, 610 

To well-afi'ected persons down. 

In ev''ry city and great town, 

With pow'r to levy horse and men, 

Only to bring them back agen ; 

For this did many, many a mile, 615 

Ride manfully in rank and file. 

With papers in their hats, that shew'd 

As if they to the pillory rode. 

Have all these courses, these efforts, 

Been tryM by people of all sorts, 620 

Velis et remis, omnibus nervis, 

And all t' advance the Cause's service ? 

And shall all now be thrown away 

In petulant intestine fray ? 

Shall we that in the Covenant swore, 625 

Each man of us to run before 

Another, still in Reformation, 

Give dogs and bears a dispensation ? 

How will dissenting brethren relish i.t ? 

What will malignants say ? videlicet, 630 

That each man swore to do his best, 

To damn and perjure all the rest ! 

And bid the devil take the hin'most, 

Which at this race is like to win most. 

They '11 say our bus'ness, to reform 635 

The church and state, is but a worm ; 

For to subscribe, unsight, unseen. 

To an unknown church-discipline, 

What is it else, but before-hand 

T' engage, and after understand ? 640 



PART I.— CANTO II. 53 

For when we swore to carry on 

The present Reformation, 

According to the purest mode 

Of churches best reformed abroad, 

What did we else but make a vow 64i> 

To do we know not what, nor how f 

For no three of us will agree 

Where or what churches these should be; 

And is indeed the self-same case 

With theirs that swore et ca3tcra.s : 650 

Or the French league, in which men vowM 

To fight to the last drop of blood. 

These slanders will be thrown upon 

The cause and work we carry on. 

If we permit men to run headlong 65.5 

T' exorbitances fit for bedlam, 

Rather than gospel-walking times, 

When slightest sins are greatest crimes. 

But we the matter so shall handle, 

As to remove that odious scandal, 660 

In name of King and Parliament, 

I charge ye all no more foment 

This feud, but keep the peace between 

Your brethren and your countrymen ; 

And to those places straight repair 665 

Where your respective dwellings are. 

But to that purpose first surrender 

The Fiddler, as the prime offender, 

The incendiary vile, that is chief 

Author and engineer of mischief; 670 

649. The Convocation, in one of tho short Parlia- 
ments, that ushered in the lon'j, one (as dwarfs are wont 
to do knights-errant,) made an oath to be talten by the 
clergy for observing canonical obedience ; in which they 
enjoined their brethren, out of the abundance of their 
consciences, to swear articles with, &;c. 

651. The holy lea^jue in France, designed and made for 
the extirpation of the Protestant religion, was the origi- 
nal, oat of which the solemn league and covenant here 
was(with thedifferenceonlyof circumstances) moatfaith- 
fuliy transcribed. Nor did the success of both differ more 
than the intent and purpose ; for after the destruction of 
vast numbers of people of all sorts, both ended with the 
murder oftvvokiiigs,whomtheyhad both sworn to defend: 
and as our covenanters swore every man to run one be- 
fore another.iu the way of reformation, so did theFrencI* 
in the holy league, to fight to the last drop of blood. 



54 UUDTBRAS. 

That niniiOf! (livlRion holv/oon friends, 
Vor ]".vr>(hnp and niaHj^nanl. ends. 
Uv, ;■,::,! ilcit engine of vile noise, 
Oil \v!i! SI illegally he plaj's, 
Shall (dictum factum) both be brought G75 
To condign punislimcnt, as they ought. 
This must be done ; and I would fain seo 
Mortal so sturdy as to gainsay : 
For then Pll take another course, 
And soon reduce you all by force. 680 

This said, he clapp'd his hand on sword, 
To shew lie meant to keep his word. 
But Talgol, who had long supprest 
Inflamed wrath in glowing breast, 
Which now began to rage and burn as 685. 
Implacably as flame in furnace, 
Thus answcrM him : — Thou vermin wretched 
As e'er in measled pork was hatched ; 
Thou tail of w^orship, that dost grow 
On rump of justice as of cow; 69ft 

How dar'st thou, with that sullen luggage 
O' th'self, old ir'n, and other baggage, 
With which thy steed of bones and leather 
Has broke his wind in halting hither ; 
How durst th', I sa)^, adventure thus 695 

T' oppose thy lumber against us ? 
Could thine impertinence find out 
No work t' employ itself about. 
Where tliou, secure from wooden blow, 
Thy busy vanity might'st shew .'' 70O 

Was no dispute a-foot between 
The caterwauling brethren ? 
No subtle question rais'd among 
Those out-o'-their wits, and those i' th' wrong? 
No prize between those combatants 705 

O' th' times, the land and water saints ; 
Where thou might'st strickle without hazard 
Of outrage to thy hide and mazzard ; 
And not for want of bus'ness come 
To us to be so troublesome, 710t' 

To interrupt our better sort 
Of disputants, and spoil our sport .'' 



PART I.— CANTO II. 55 

Was tli(3re no felony, no bawd, 
'Cut-purse, no burglary abroad.'' 
No stolen pig, nor plundered goose, 715 

To tie thee up from breaking loose? 
No ale unlicens''d, broken hedge, 
For which lh»u statute might'st allege. 
To keep thee busy from foul evil. 
And shame due to thee from the devil ? 720 
Did no committee sit, where he 
Might cut out journey-work for thee ? 
And set th' a task with subornation. 
To stitch up sale and sequestration ; 
To cheat, with holiness and zeal, 725 

All parties, and the common weal ? 
Much better had it been for thee, 
IV had kept thee where th' art us'd to be ; 
Or sent th' on bus'ness any whither. 
So he had never brought thee hither. 730 

-But if th' hast brain enough in skuli 
To keep itself in lodging whole, 
And not provoke the rage of stones 
And cudgels to thy hide and bones, 
Tremble, and vanish, while thou niay'st, 735 
Which I'll not promise if thou stay'st. 
At this the Knight grew high in wroth, 
And lifting hands and eyes up both, 
Three times he smote on stomach stout. 
From v/hence at length these words broke out : 
Was I for this entitled Sir, 740 

And girt with trusty sword and spur, 
For fame and honour to wage battle, 
Thus to be brav'd by foe to cattle ? 
Not all that pride that makes thee swell 745 
As big thou dost blown-up veal; 
Nor all thy tricks and sleights to cheat, 
And sell thy carrion for good meat ; 
Not all thy magic to repair 
Decay'd old age in tough lean ware ; 750 

Make nat'ral death appear thy work, 
And stop the gangrene in stale pork ; 
Not all that force that makes thee proud, 
Because by bullock ne'er withstood ; 



56 HUDIBP.AS. 

Thoiigli arm'd witli all thy cleavers, knives, 755 

And axes made to )iew down lives, 

Shall save or help thee to evade 

The hand of Justice, or his blade, 

Which I, her sword-bearer do carry, 

For civil deed and military. * 760 

Nor shall those words of venom base, 

Which thon hast from their native place, 

Thy stomach pumjjM to fling on me, 

Go unreveno-'d, though I am free: 

Thou down the same throat shalt devour 'em. 

Like tainted beef, and pay dear for 'em. 765 

Nor shall it e'er be said, that wight 

With gantlet blue, and bases white, 

And round blunt truncheon by his side, 

So great a man at arms defy'd 770 

With words far bitter than wormwood, 

That would in Job or Grizel stir mood. 

Dogs with their tongues their wounds do heal ; 

But men with hands as thou shalt feel. 

This said, with hasty rage he snatch'd 775 
His gun-shot, that in holsters watch'd ; 
And bending cock, he levelled full 
Against th' outside of Talgol's skull : 
Vowing that he should ne'er stir further, 
Nor henceforth cow nor bullock murther. 780 
But Pallas came in shape of rust. 
And 'twixt the spring and hammer thrust 
Her Gorgon shield, which made the cock 
Stand stiff, as 'twere transform'd to stock. 
Meanwhile fierce Talgol, gathering might, 785 
With rugged trunch;;on charg'd the Knight ; 
But he with petronel upheav'd. 
Instead of shield, the blow receiv'd. 
The gun recoiPd, as well it might, 
Not us'd to such a kind of fight, 790 

And shrunk from its great master's gripe, 
Knock'd down and stunn'd by mortal stripe. 
Then Hudibras, with furious haste, 
Drew out his sword ; yet not so fast, 
But Talgol first, with hardy thwack, 795 

Twice bruis'd his head, and twice his back. 



PART 1.— CANTO 11. 57 

But when bis nat-brown sword was out. 

With stomach huge be laid about, 

Jmprintino- many a wound upon 

His mortal foe, the truncheon. 800 

The trusty cudgel did oppose 

Itself against dead-doing blows, 

To guard its leader from fell bane, 

And then reveng'd itself again. 

And though the sword (some understood) 805 

In force had much the odds of wood, 

'Twas nothing so ; both sides were balanc'd 

So equal, none knew which was valiant'st : 

For wood with honour b'ing engaged. 

Is so implacably enraged, 810 

Though iron hew and mangle sore. 

Wood wounds and bruises honour more. 

And now both knights were out of breath, 

Tir'd in the hot pursuit of devi.th ; 

While all the rest amaz'd stood still, 815 

Expecting which should take or kill. 

This Hudibras observ'd ; and fretting 

Conquest should be so long a getting. 

He drew up all his force mto 

One body, and that into one blow. 820 

But Talgol wisely avoided it 

By cunning sleight; for liad it hit. 

The upper part of him the blow 

Had slit as sure as that below. 

Meanwhile th' incomparable Colon, 895 

To aid his friend, began to fall on. 
Him Ralph encountered, and straight grew 
A dismal combat 'twixt them two : 
Th' one arm'd with metal, th' other with wood ; 
This fit for bruise, and that for blood. 830 

With many a stiff thwack, many a bang, 
Hard crab-tree and old iron rang ; 
While none that saw them could divine 
To which side conquest would incline, 
Until Magnano, who did envy 835 

That two should with so many men vie. 
By subtle stratagem of brain, 
Perform'd what force could ne'er attain ; 
D2 



58 HUDIBRAS. 

For he, by foul hap, having found 

Where. thistles grew on barren ground, 840 

In haste he drew his weapon out, 

And having cropped them from the root, 

He clapp'd them underneath the tail 

Of steed, with pricks as sharp as nail. 

The angry beast did straight resent 845 

The wrong done to his fundament ; 

Began to kick, and fling, and wince, 

As if h' had been beside his sense. 

Striving to disengage from thistle. 

That gaird him sorely under his tail : 850 

Instead of which, he threw the pack 

Of Squire and baggage from his back; 

And blundering still with smarting rump. 

He gave the Knight's steed such a thump 

As made him reel. The Knight did stoop, 855 

And sat on further side aslope. 

This Talgol viewing, who had now 

By sleight escapM the fatal blov/. 

He rally'd, and again fell to't ; 

For catching foe by nearer foot, 8G0 

He lifted with such might and strength, 

As would have hurFd him thrice his length, 

And dash'd his brains (if any) out : 

But Mars, that still protects the stout, 

In pudding-time came to his aid, 865 

And under him the bear conveyed ; 

The bear, upon whose soft fur-gown 

The Knight with all his weight fell down. 

The friendly rug preserved the ground. 

And headlong Kniglit, from bruise or wound : 

Like feather-bed betwixt a wall 870 

And heavy brunt of cannon-ball. 

As Sancho on a blanket fell. 

And had no hurt, ours far'd as well 

In body; though his mighty spirit, • 875 

B'ing heavy, did not so well bear it. 

The bear was in a greater fright. 

Beat down and worsted by the Knight. 

He roarM, and rag'd, and flung about, 

To shake ofTbondap-e from his snout. 8?K) 



PART L— CANTO 11. 59 

His wrath inflam'd boiFd o''er, and from 

His jaws of death he threw the foam : 

Fury in stranger postures threw liim, 

And more than herald ever drew him. 

He tore the earth which he had sav'd 8S5 

From squelch of Knight, and stormed and rav'd, 

And vex'd the more because the liarms 

He felt were 'gainst the law of arms : 

For men he always took to be 

His friends, and dogs the enemy ; 890 

Who never so much hurt had done him, 

As his own side did falling on him. 

It griev'd him to the guts that they 

For whom h' had fought so many a fray. 

And serv'd with loss of blood so long, 895 

Should offer such inhuman wrong ; 

Wrong of unsoldier-like condition : 

For which he flung down his commission ; 

And laid about him, till his nose 

From thrall of ring and cord broke loose. 900 

Soon as he felt himself enlarged, 

Through thickest of his foes he chargM, 

And made way through th' amazed crew ; 

Some he overran, and some overthrew. 

But took none ; for by hasty flight 905 

He strove f escape pursuit of Knight; 

From whom he fled with as much haste 

And dread as he the rabble chasM. 

In haste he fled, and so did they ; 

Each and his fear a several way. 910 

Crowdero only kept the field ; 
Not stirring from the place he lield, 
Though beaten down and wounded sore, 
I' th'' fiddle, and a leg that bore 
One side of him ; not that of bone, 915 

But much its better, th' wooden one. 
He spying Hudibras lie strowM 
Upon the ground, like log of wood. 
With fright of fall, supposed wound, 
And loss of urine, in a swound, 920 

In haste he snatch'd the wooden limb, 
That hurt i' th' ankle lay by him. 



60 HUDIBRAS. 

And fitting it for sudden fight, 

Straight drew it up t' attack the Knight ; 

For getting up on stump and huckle, 925 

He with the foe began to buckle ; 

Vowing to be reveng'd for breach 

Of crowd and skin upon the wretch, 

Sole author of all detriment 

He and his fiddle underwent. 930 

But Ralpho (who had now begun 
T' adventure resurrection 
From heavy squelch, and had got up 
Upon his legs, with sprained crup) 
Looking about, beheld pernicion 935- 

Approaching Knight from fell musician. 
He snatch'd his whinyard up, that fled 
When he was falling oif his steed 
(As rats do from a falling house,) 
To hide itself from rage of blows ; 940 

And, wing'd with speed and fury, flew 
To rescue Knight from black and blue ; 
Which ere he could achieve, his sconce 
The leg encountered twice and once; 
And now 'twas rais'd to smite agen, 945 ' 

When Ralpho thrust himself between. 
He took the blow upon his arm. 
To shield the Knight from further harm ; 
And, joining wrath with force, bestow'd 
On th' wooden member such a load, 950' 

That down it fell, and with it bore 
Crowdero, whom it proppM before. 
To him the Squire right nimbly run, 
And setting conquering foot upon 
His trunk, thus spoke : Wliat despVate frenzy 
Made thee (thou whelp of sin !) to fancv 956 
Tiiyself, and all that coward rabble, 
T' encounter us in battle able? 
How durst th", I say, oppose thy curship 
"Gainst arms, authority and worship? 960 

And Hudibras or me provoke. 
Though all thy limbs were heart of oak. 
And th' other half of thee as good 
To bear out blows, as thai of wood? 



PART L— CANTO 11. 61 

Could not the whipping-post prevail, 965 

With all its rhetoric, nor the jail, 

To keep from flaying scourge thy skin, 

And ankle free from iron gin ? 

Which now thou shalt — ^But first our care 

Must see how IJudibras doth fare. 970 

This said, he gently rais'd the Knight, 

And set him on his bum upright. 

To rouse him from lethargic dump, 

He tweak'd his nose ; with gentle thump 

Knocked on his breast, as if't had been 975 

To raise the spirits lodg'd within. 

They, waken'd with the noise, did fly 

From inward room to window eye ; 

And gently opening lid, the casement, 

Look'd out, but yet with some amazement. 980 

This gladded Ralpho much to see. 

Who thus bespoke the Knight : quoth he, 

Tweaking his nose, You are, great Sir, 

A self-denying conqueror ; 

As high, victorious, and great, 985 

As e'er fought for the churches yet. 

If you will give yourself but leave 

To make out what y' already have ; 

That's victory. The foe, for dread 

Of your nine- worthiness, is fled ; 990 

All, save Crowdero, for whose sake 

You did th' espous'd cause undertake ; 

And he lies prisoner at your feet, 

To be dispos'd as you think meet ; 

Either for life, or death, or sale, 995 

The gallows, or perpetual jail ; 

For one wink of your powerful eye 

Must sentence him to live or die. 

His fiddle is your proper purchase. 

Won in the service of the churches : 1000 

And by your doom must be allowed 

To be, or be no more, a crowd. 

For though success did not confer 

Just title on the conquei'or ; 

Thougli dispensations were not strong 1005 

Conclusions whether rioht or wroncr; 



62 HUDIBRAS. 

Although out-going did confirm, 

And owning were but a mere term ; 

Yet as the wicked have no right 

To th' creature, thougli usurped by might, 1010 

The property is in the saint, 

From whom th'' injuriously detain 't ; 

Of him they hold their luxuries. 

Their dogs, their horses, whores, and dice, 

Their riots, revels, masks, delights, 1015 

Pimps, buffoons, fiddlers, parasites ; 

All which the saints have title to, 

And ought t' enjoy, if th' had their due. 

What we take from them is no more 

Than what was ours by right before ; 1020 

For we are their true landlords still, 

And they our tenants but at will. 

At this the Knight began to rouse, 

And by degrees grow valorous. 

He starM about, and seeing none 1025 

Of all his foes remain but one. 

He snatch'd his weapon, that lay near him. 

And from the ground began to rear him ; 

Vowing to make Crowdero pay 

For all the rest that ran away. 1030 

But Ralpho now, in colder blood, 

His fury mildly thus withstood : 

Great Sir, quoth he, your mighty spirit 

Is rais'd too high : this slave does merit 

To be the hangman's business, sooner 1035 

Than from your hand to have the honour 

Of his destruction. I, that am 

A nothingness in deed and name. 

Did scorn to hurt his forfeit carcass, 

Or ill intreat his fiddle or case : 1040 

Will you, great Sir, that glory blot 

In cold blood, which you gain'd in hot? 

\Vin you employ your couq'ring sword 

To break a fiddle and your word? 

For though 1 fought, and overcame, 1045 

And quarter gave, 'twas in your name, 

For great commanders only own 

Wjiat's prosj>ei-ous by the soldier done. 



PART I.— CANTO II. G3 

To save, where yon have pow'r to kill, 

Argues your pow'r above your will ; 1050 

And that your will and powV have less 

Than both might have of selfishness. 

This pow'r which, nov/ alive, with dread 

He trembles at, if he were dead 

Wou'd no more keep the slave in awe, 1055 

Than if you v/ere a knight of straw : 

For death Vv'ou'd then be his conqueror, 

Not you, and free him from that terror. 

If danger from his life accrue, 

Or honour from his death, to you, lOGO 

'Twere policy and honour too. 

To do as you resolv'd to do ; 

But, Sir, 'twould wrong your valour much, 

To say it needs or fears a crutch. 

Great conquerors greater glory gain lOGf^ 

By foes in triumph led, than slain : 

The laurels that adorn their brows 

Are puird from living, not dead boughs, 

And living foes : the greatest fame 

Of cripple slain can be but lame. 1070 

One half him's already slain. 

The other is not worth your pain ; 

Th' honour can but on one side light. 

As worship did, when y' were dubb'd knight. 

Wherefore I think it better far 1075 

To keep him prisoner of war. 

And let him fast in bonds abide, 

At court of justice to be try'd ; 

Where, if he appear so bold and craft}^ 

There may be danger in his safety. 1080 

If any member there dislike 

His face, or to his beard have pique ; 

Or if his death will save or yield 

Revenge or fright, it is reveal 'd. 

Though he has quarter, ne'er the less 1085 

Y' have power to hang him when you please. 

This has been often done by some 

Of our great conq'rors, you know whom ; 

And has by most of us been held 

Wise justice, and to some reveal'd : 109Q 



64 HUDIBRAS 

For words and promises, that yoke 

The conqueror, are quickly broke ; 

Like Samson's cuffs, though by his own 

Direction and advice put on. 

For if we should fight for the Cause 1095 

By rules of military laws. 

And only do what they call just, 

The Cause would quickly fall to dust. 

This we among ourselves may speak ; 

But to the wicked, or the weak, 1100 

We must he cautious to declare 

Perfection-truths, such as these are. 

This said, the high, outrageous mettle 
Of Knight began to cool and settle. 
He hk'd the Squire's advice, and soon 1105 
Pv,esolv'd to see the business done ; 
And therefore charg'd him first to bind 
Crowdero's hands on rump behind. 
And to its former place and use 
The wooden member to reduce; 1110 

But force it take an oath before, 
Ne'er to bear arms against him inore. 

Ralpho dispatched with speedy haste. 
And having ty'd Crowdero fast. 
He gave Sir Knioht the end of cord, 1115 

To lead the captive of his sword 
In triumph, whilst the steeds he caught, 
And them to furthei* service brought. 
The Squire in state rode on before, 
And on his nut-brov/n whinyard bore 1120 
The trophy-fiddle and the case, 
Leaning on shoulder like a mace. 
The Knight himself did after ride, 
Leading'Crowdero by his side ; 
And tow'd him if he lagg'd behind, 1125 

Like boat against tlie tide and wind. 
Thus grave and solemn they march'd on 
Until quite thro' the town th' had gone ; 
At further end of which there stands 
An ancient castle, that commands 1130 

Th' adjacent parts: in all the fabric 
You shall not see one stone nor a brick : 



PART L— CANTO II* 6^ 

But all of wood ; by powVful spoil 

Of magic made impregnable. 

Tiiere's neitber iron-bar nor gale, ] 135 

Portcullis, chain, nor bolt, nor grate, 

And yet men durance there abide. 

In dungeon scarce three inches wide ; 

With roof so low, that under it 

They never stand, but lie or sit ; 1140 

And yet so foul, that whoso 's in, 

Is to the middle-leg in prison ; 

In circle magical confin'd. 

With walls of subtle air and wind, 

Which none are able to break through, 1145 

Until they're freed by head of borough. 

Thither arriv'd, th'' adventVous Knight 

And bold Squire from their steeds alight 

At th' outward wall, near which "there stands 

A bastile, built to imprison hands ; 1150 

By strange enchantment made to fetter 

The lesser parts, and free the greater ; 

For though the body may creep through, 

The hands in grate are fast enough : 

And when a circle 'bout the wrist 1155 

Is made by beadle exorcist, 

The body feels the spur and switch, 

As if 'twere ridden post by witch 

At twenty miles an hour pace. 

And yet ne'er stirs out of the place. IIGO 

On top of this there is a spire. 

On which Sir Knight first bids the Squire 

The fiddle and its spoils, the case. 

In manner of a trophy place. 

That done, they ope the trap-door gate, 11()5 

And let Crowdero down thereat ; 

Crowdero making doleful face, 

Ijike hermit poor in pensive place. 

To dungeon they the wretch commit, 

And the sui'vivor of his feet : 1170 

But th' other, that had broke the peace 

And head of knighthood they release; 

Though a delinquent false and forged, 

¥ot, being n stranger he's enlarged^ 



66 HUDIBRAS. 

While liis comrade, that did no hurt, 1175 

Js clappM lip last in prison for't. 
So Justice, while she winks at crinrics, 
Stumbles on innocence sometimes. 



CANTO ni. 

The scattei'd rout return and rally, 
Surround the place ; the Kniglit doth sally, 
And is made pris'ner : then they seize 
Th' enclianted fort by storm, release 
Crowdero, and put th' Squire in's place, 
1 should Iiave first said Hudibras. 

Ah me ! what perils do environ 

The man that meddles with cold iron ; 

What plaguy mischiefs and mishaps 

Do dog him still with after-claps ! 

For though dame Fortune seem to smile 5 

And leer upon him for av/hile, 

She'll after show him, in the nick 

Of all his glories, a dog-trick. 

This any man may sing or say, 

r th' ditty call'd. What if a Day ? 10 

For Hudibras, who thought h' had won 

The field, as certain as a gun ; 

And, having routed the whole troop, 

With victory was cock-a-hoop ; 

Thinking h' had done enough to purchase 15 

Thanksgiving-day a)nong the churches, 

Wherein his mettle, and brave worth, 

Might be explain'^ by Holder-forth, 

And register 'd, by fame eternal, 

In deathless pages of diurnal ; 20 

Found in few minutes, to his cost, 

He did but count without his host ; 

And that a turnstile is more certain 

Than, in events of war, dame Fortune. 

For now the late faint hearted rout, 25 

O'erthrown, and scatter'd round about, 
Chas'd by the horror of their fear, 
From bloody fray of Knight and Bear 



PART I.— CANTO lU. 67 

(All but the dogs, who, in pursuit 

Of the Knighfs victory, stood to't, 30 

And most ignobly fought to get 

The honour of his blood and sweat,) 

Scing the coas^ was free and clear 

O' th' conquered and the conqueror. 

Took heart again, and fac'd about, 35 

As if they meant to stand it out : 

For by this time the routed Bear, 

Attack'd by th' enemy i' th' rear, 

Finding their number grew too great 

For him to make a safe retreat, 40 

Like a bold chieftain, fae'd about; 

But wisely doubting to hold out. 

Gave way to fortune, and with haste 

Fac'd the proud foe, and fled, and fae'd ; 

Retiring still, until he found 45 

H' had got the advantage of the ground; 

And then as valiantly made head 

To check the foe, and forthwith fled ; 

Leaving no art untry'd, nor trick 

Of warrior stout and politic, 50 

Until, in spite of hot pursuit. 

He gain'd a pass, to hold dispute 

On better terms, and stop the course 

Of the proud foe. With all his force 

He bravely charg'd, and for a while 55 

Forc'd their whole body to recoil ; 

But still their numbers so increas'd, 

He found himself at length oppressed ; 

And all evasions so vmcertain, 

To save himself for better fortune, 60 

That he resolv'd, rather than yield. 

To die with honour in the field. 

And sell his hide and carcase at 

A price as high and desperate 

As e'er he could. This resolution 65 

Re forthwith put in execution, 

And bravely threw himself among 

The enemy, i' th' greatest throng ; 

But what could single valour do 

Against so numerous a foe 70 



08 HUDIBRAS^ 

Yet rnucli lio did, indeed too inucli 

7^0 he bclicv''d, where tir odds were sucli'. 

Hut one acrainst a niultitnde 

1« more than mortal can make good : 

For wiiile one party he oppos'd, 75 

His rear v;as suddenlj'^ inclosed ; 

And no room left him for retreat, 

Or fight against a foe so great. 

For now the mastiffs, charging home, 

To blows and handy gripes were come : 8Q 

While manfully himself he bore. 

And setting his right foot before, 

He raisM Himself, to show how tall 

His person was above them all. 

This equal shame and envy stirr'd 85 

In th' enemy, that one should beard 

So many warriors, and so stout. 

As he had done, and stav'd it out. 

Disdaining to lay down his arms. 

And yield on honourable terms. 90 

Enraged thus, some in the rear 

Attack'd him, and some ev'ry where, 

Till down he fell ; yet falling fought, 

And, being down, still laid about ; 

As Widdrington, in doleful dumps, 95 

I? said to fight upon his stumps. 

But all, alas ! had been in vains 
And he inevitably slain. 
If Trulla and Cerdon, in the nick, 
To rescue him had not been quick ; 100 

For Trulla, who was light of foot 
As shafts which long-field Parthians shoot, 
(But not so light as to be borne 
Upon the ears of standing corn, 
Or trip it o'er the water quicker 105 

Than witches, when their staves they liquor, 
As some report,) was got among 
The foremost of the martial throng; 
There pitying the vanquish^ bear, 
She caird to Cerdon, who stood near, 110^ 

Viewing the bloody fight ; to whom, 
Shall we (quoth she) stand still hum-drum. 



PART I.— CANTO III, 69 

And see stout Bruin all alone, 

By numbers basely overthrown ? 

Such feats already h' had achiev'd, 115 

In story not to be believed ; 

And "'twould to us be shame enough, 

Not to attempt to fetch him off. 

I would (quoth he) venture a limb 

To second thee, and rescue him ; 120 

But then we must about it straight. 

Or else our aid will come too late. 

Quarter he scorns, he is so stout. 

And therefore cannot long hold out. 

This said, they wav'd their weapons round 125 

About their heads, to clear the ground ; 

And joining forces, laid about 

So fiercely, that th' amazed rout 

Turn'd tail again, and straight begun, 

As if the devil drove, to run. 130 

Meanwhile th'approach'd the place where Bruin 

Was now engaged to mortal ruin. 

The conqu'ring foe they soon assail'd; 

First Trulla stav'd, and Cerdon tail'd, 

Until their mastiffs loos'd their hold : 135 

And yet, alas ! do what they could, 

The worsted bear came oft" with store 

Of bloody wounds, but all before : 

For as Achilles, dipt in pond, 

Was anabaptiz'd free from wound, 140 

Made proof against dead-doing steel 

All over, but the Pagan heel ; 

So did our champion's arms defend 

All of him, but the other end, 

His head and ears, which, in the martial 145 

Encounter, lost a leathern parcel : 

For as an Austrian archduke once 

Had one ear (which in ducatoons 

Is half the coin) in battle par'd 

Close to his head, so Bruin far'd ; 150 

134. Staving and nailing are terms of art used in the 
Bear-Garden, and signify there only the parting of dogs 
and bears : though they are used metaphorically in se- 
veral other professions for moderating ; as law, divi 
nity hectoring, &c. 



70 HUDIBRAS. 

But tugg'd and pull'd on th' other side. 

Like scriv'ner newly crucifi'd ; 

Or like the late corrected leathern 

Ears of the circumcised brethren. 

But gentle Trulla into th' ring 155 

lie wore in's nose, convey'd a string, 

^Vith which she marcliM before, and led 

Tiie warrior to a grassy bed, 

As authors write, in a cool shade, 

Which eglantine and roses made ; 160 

Close by a softly murmVing stream, 

Where lovers us'd to loll and dream. 

Tliere leaving him to his repose, 

Secured from pursuit of foes, 

And wanting nothing but a song, 165 

And a well-tunM theorbo hung 

Upon a bough, to ease the pain 

His tugg'd ears sufTerM, with a strain, 

They both drew up, to march in quest 

Of his great leader and the rest. 170 

For Orsin (wlio was more renown'd 
For stout maintaining of his ground 
In standing fight, than for pursuit. 
As being not so quick of foot) 
Was not long able to keep pace 175 

Witli others that pursuM the chase ; 
But found himself left far behind. 
Both out of heart and out of wind : 
Griev'd to behold his bear pursu'd 
So basely by a multitude ; 180 

And like to fall, not by the prowess, 
But numbers of his coward foes. 
He rag'd and kept as heavy a coil as 
Stout Hercules for loss of Hylas ; 
Forcing the valleys to repeat 185 

The accents of his sad regret. 
He beat his breast, and tore his hair, 
For loss of his dear crony bear ; 

153. Pryn, Bastwick, and Burton, who laid down 
their ears as proxies for their profession of the godly 
party, notionsc after maintained tneii right and title to 
the pillory to be as good and lawful as theirs who first 
o-f aJI took possi>ssion of it in their names. 



PART I.— CANTO III. tl 

That Echo, from the hollow ground, 

His doleful wailings did resound 190 

More wistfully, by many times, 

Than in small poets splay-foot rhymes, 

That make her, in their rueful stories, 

To answer to infrogatories, 

And most unconsoionably depose 195 

To things of which she nothing knows ; 

And when she has said all she can say, 

'Tis wrested to the lover's fancy. 

Quoth he, O whither, wicked Bruin, 

Art thou fled ? to my— Echo, Ruin. 200 

I thought th' hadst scorn'd to budge a step 

For fear. Quoth Echo, Marry guep. 

Am not I here to take thy part ? 

Then what has quaifd thy stubborn heart? 

Have these bones rattled, and this head 205 

So often in thy quarrel bled ? 

Nor did I ever winch or grudge it. 

For thy dear sake. Quoth she, Mum budget. 

Think'st thou 'twiU not be laid i' th' dish 

Thou turn'dst thy back ? Quoth Echo, Pish. 210 

To run from those th' hadst overcome 

Thus cowardly ? Quoth Echo, Mum. 

But v;hat a vengeance makes thee fiy 

From me, too, as tliine enemy ? 

Or if thou hast no thought of me, 215 

Nor what I have endur'd for thee. 

Yet shame and honour miglit prevail 

To keep thee thus from turning tail : 

For who would grudge to spend his blood in 

His honour's cause ? Quoth she, A puddin. 220 

This said, his grief to anger turn'd. 

Which in his manly stomach burn'd ; 

Thirst of revenge, and wrath, in place 

Of sorrow, now began to blaze. 

He vow'd the authors of his wo 225 

Should equal vengeance undergo ; 

And with their bones and flesh pay dear 

For what he suffered, and his bear. 

This b'ing resolv'd, with equal speed 

And rage he hasted to proceed 230 



72 HUDIBRAS. 

To action straight ; and giving o 

To search for Bruin any more, 

He went in quest of Hubibras, 

To find him out, where'er he was : 

And, if he were above ground vow'd 236 

He'd ferret him, lurk where he would. 

But scarce had he a furlong on 
This resolute adventure gone. 
When he encounter'd with that crew 
Whom Hudibras did late subdue. 240 

Honour, revenge, contempt, and shame, 
Did equally their breasts inflame. 
'Mong these the fierce Magnano was, 
And Talgol, foe to Hudibras ; 
Cordon and Colon, warriors stout, 245 

And resolute, as ever fought ; 
Whom furious Orsin thus bespoke : 
Shall we (quoth he) thus basely brook 
The vile affront that paltry ass. 
And feeble scoundrel Hudibras, 250 

With that more paltry ragamuffin, 
Ralpho, with vapouring and huffing, 
Have put upon us like tame cattle, 
As if th' had routed us in battle ! 
For my part, it shall ne'er be said, ' 255 

I for the washing gave my head : 
Nor did I turn my back for fear 
O' th' rascals, but loss of my bear, 
Which now I'm like to undergo ; 
For whether those fell wounds, or no, 260 

He has receiv'd in fight, are mortal, 
Is more than all my skill can foretel ; 
Nor do I know what is become 
Of him, more than the pope of Rome. 
But if I can but find them out 2G5 

That caus'd it (as I shall, no doubt. 
Where'er th' in hugger-mugger lurk) 
I'll make them rue their handy-work. 
And wish that they had rather dar'd 
,:To pull the devil by the beard. ' 270- 

Quoth Cerdon, Noble Orsin, th' hast 
Great reason to do as thou say'st, 



PART 1.— CANTO III. 73 

And so has ev'ry body here, 

As well as thou hasL or thy bear. 

Others may do as they see good ; 275 

But if this twig be made of wood 

That will hold tack, Til make the fut 

Fly 'bout the ears of that old cur ; 

And th' other mongrel vermin, Ralph, 

That brav'd us all in his behalf. 280 

Thy bear is safe, and out of peril, 

Though lugg'd indeed, and wounded very ill; 

Myself and Trulla made a shift 

To help him out at a dead lift ; 

And having brought him bravely off, 285 

Have left him where he's safe enough : 

There let him rest ; for if vv^e stay, 

The slaves may hap to get away. 

This said, they all engaged to join 
Their forces in the same design ; 290 

And forthwith put themselves in searcli 
Of Hudibras upon their march. 
Where leave we them awhile, to tell 
What the victorious Knight befel : 
For such, Crowdero beino- fast 295 

In dungeon shut, we left him last. 
Triumphant laurels seemed to grow 
No where so green as on his brow ; 
Laden with which, as well as tir'd 
With conquering toil he now retired 300 

Unto a neighboring castle bj', 
To rest his body, and apply 
Fit med'cines to each glorious bruise 
He got in fight, reds, blacks, and blues; 
To mollify the uneasy pang 305 

Of ev'ry honourable bang, 
Which b'ing by skilful midwife drest, 
He laid him down to take his rest. 
But all in vain. H' had got a hurt 
O' th' inside, of a deadlier sort, 310 

By Cupid made, who took his stand 
tipon a widow's jointure land 
(For he, in all his am'rous battles, 
No 'dvantage finds like goods and chattels,) 
E 



74 HUDIBRAS. 

Drew home his bow, and, aiming right, 351 

Let fly an arrow at the Knight : 

The shaft against a rib did glance, 

And gall'd him in the purtenance ; 

But time had somewhat 'suagM his pain 

After he found his suit in vain. 320 

For that proud dame, for whom his soul 

Was burnt in 's belly like a coal 

(That belly which so oft did ake 

And suffer griping for her sake, 

Till purging comfits and ants'-eggs 325 

Had almost brought him oft'his legs,) 

UsM him so like a base rascallion. 

That old Pyg — (what d' y' call him) malion, 

That cut his mistress out of stone. 

Had not so liard a hearted one. 330 

She had a thousand Jadish tricks, 

Worse than a mule that flings and kicks ; 

'Mong which one cross-grain'd freak she had* 

As insolent as strange and mad ; 

Slie could love none, but only such 335 

As scorn'd and hated her as much. 

'Twas a strange riddle of a lady : 

Not love, if any lovVl her ! Hey-dey ! 

So cowards never use their might, 

But against such as will not fight ; 340 

So some diseases have been found 

Only to seize upon the sound. 

He that gets her by heart, must say her 

The back way, like a witch's prayer. 

Meanwhile the Knight had no small task 345 

To compass what he durst not ask. 

He loves, but dares not make the motion ; 

Her ignorance is his devotion ; 

328. Pyfrmalion, king of Tyre, was the son of IVIar- 
genus, or Mechres, wlmm lie succeeded, and lived 56 
years, wliereof lie reiarud 47. Dido, his sister, was to 
iiave poveriied with Ifim, but it was pretended the sub- 
jpcts thought it not convenient. She married SichcBus, 
who was the kitifi's uncle, and very rich ; wherefore he 
piit him to death ; and Dido soon after departed the king 
dom. Poets say, Pypnialion was punisluMl for the hatred 
he bore to wosnen'wiih the love he had to a iitarue. 



PART I.~CANTO III. 75 

Like caitiff vile, that, for misdeed, 

Rides with his face to rump of steed, 350 

Or rowing scull, he's fain to love, 

Look one way, and another move; 

Or like a tumbler, that does play 

His game, and look another way, 

Until he seize upon the cony ; 355 

Just so he does by matrimony : 

But all in vain ; her subtle snout 

Did quickly wind his meaning out ; 

Which she returned with too much scorn 

To be by man of honour borne : 360 

Yet much he bore, until the distress 

He suffered from his spiteful mistress 

Did stir his stomach ; and the pain 

He had endur'd from her disdain. 

Turned to regret so resolute, 365 

That he resolv'd to waive his suit, 

And either to renounce her quite. 

Or for a while play least in sight. 

This resolution b'ing put on. 

He kept some months, and more had done, 370 

B ut being brought so nigh by fate, 

The victory he achieved so late 

Did set his thoughts agog, and ope 

A door to discontinu'd hope. 

That seem'd to promise he might win 375 

His dame too, now his hand was in ; 

And that his valour, and the honour 

H' had newly gain"d, might work upon her. 

These reasons made his mouth to water 

With am'rous longings to be at her. 380 

Quoth he, unto himself. Who knows 
But this brave conquest o'er my foes 
May reach her heart, and make that stoop, 
As I but now have forc'd the troop ? 
If nothing can oppugn love, 385 

And virtue invious ways can prove, 
What may he not confide to do 
That brings both love and virtue too ? 
But thou bring'st valour too and wit : 
Two things that seldom fail to hit. 390 



76 HUDIBRAS. 

Valour's a mouse-trap, wit a gin, 

Which women oft are taken in. 

Then, Hudibras, why should'st thou fear 

To bo, that art a conqueror ? 

I'^ortunc til' audacious doth juvare, 395 

But lets the timidous miscarry. 

Then while the honour thou hast got 

Is spick and span new, piping hot, 

Strike her up bravely, thou hadst best, 

And trust thy fortune with the rest. 400 

Such thoughts as these the Knight did keep. 
More than his bangs or fleas, from sleep. 
And as an owl, that in a barn 
Sees a mouse creeping in the corn. 
Sits still, and shuts his round blue eyes, 405 
As if he slept, until he spies 
The little beast within his reach, 
Tlien starts, and seizes on the wretch ; 
So from his couch the Knight did start 
To seize upon the widow's heart ; 410 

Crying with hasty tone, and hoarse, 
Ralpho, dispatch ; to horse, to horse. 
And 'twas but time ; for now the rout, 
We left engag'd to seek him out, 
By speedy marches, wer6 advanc'd 415 

Up to the fort, where he ensconc'd ; 
And all the avenues had possest 
About the place, from east to west. 

That done, a while they made a halt. 
To view the ground^ and where t' assault : 420 
Then call'd a council, which was best. 
By siege or onslaught, to invest 
The enemy ; and 'twas agreed . 
By stonn and onslaught to proceed. 
This b'ing resolv'd, in comely sort 425 

They now drew up t' attack the fort : 
When Hudibras, about to enter 
Upon another-gates adventure, 
To Ralpho call'd aloud to arm. 
Not dreaming of approaching storm. 430 

Whether dame Fortune, or the care 
Of angel bad or tutelar, 



PART I.— CANTO HI. 77 

Did arm, or thrust liim on a danger 

To which he was an utter stranger, 

Tliat foresight might, or might not, blot 435 

The glory he had newly got ; 

Or to his shame it might be said. 

They took him dapping in his bed; 

To them we leave it to expound, 

That deal in sciences profound. 440 

His courser scarce he had bestrid, 
And Ralpho that on which he rid, 
When setting ope the postern gate. 
Which they thought best to sally at, 
The foe appearM, drawn up and drill'd, 445 
Ready to charge them in the field. 
This somewhat startled the bold Knight, 
Surpris'd with th' unexpected sight : 
The bruises of his bones and flesh 
He thought began to smart afresh ; 450 

Till recollecting wonted courage. 
His fear was soon converted to rage, 
And thus he spoke : The coward foe 
Whom we but now gave quarter to. 
Look, yonder's rally'd, and appears 455 

As if they had outrun their fears. 
The glory we did lately get. 
The Fates command us to repeat; 
And to their wills we must succomb, 
Quocunque trahunt, 'tis our doom. 460 

This is the same numeric crew 
Whicli we so lately did subdue ; 
The self-same individuals that 
Did run as mice do from a cat. 
When we courageously did wield 465 

Our martial weapons in the field, 
To tug for victory ; and when 
We shall our shining blades agen 
Brandish in terror o'er our heads. 
They'll straight resume their wonted dreads.470 
Fear is an ague, that forsakes 
And haunts by fits those whom it takes ; 
And they'll opine tliey feel the pain 
And blows tlioy felt to-day again 



78 HUDIBRAB. 

Tlien lot lis boldly cljargo them home, 475 
And make no doubt to overcome. 

This said, I lis courage to inflame, 
He eaird upon his mistress' name. 
His pistol next he cock'd anew, 
And out his nut-brown whinyard drew ; 48(^ 
And, placing R,alpho in the front, 
Reserv'd himself to bear the brunt, «• 
As expert warriors use : then ply'd 
With iron heel his courser's side, 
Conveying sympathetic speed 485 

From heel of Knight to heel of steed. 

Meanwhile the foe, with equal rage 
And speed, advancing to engage; 
Both parties now were drawn so close, 
Almost to come to handy-blows : 490' 

When Orsin first let fly a stone 
At Ralpho ; not so huge a one 
As that which Diomed did maul 
iEneas on the bum withal ; 
Yet big enough, if rightly hurl'd, 495- 

T' have sent him to another world, 
Whether above ground, or below, 
Which saints twice dipt are destin'd to. 
The danger startled the bold Scjuire, 
And made him some few steps retire ; 500 

But Hudibras advanced to' 's aid. 
And rous'd his spirits, half dismay'd. 
He, wisely doubting lest the shot 
Of th' enemy, now growing hot, 
Might at a distance gall, pressed close, 505 
To come pell-mell to handy -blows, 
And, that he might their aim decline, 
Advanc'd still in an oblique line ; 
But prudently forbore to fire. 
Till breast to breast he had got nigher, 510 
As expert warriors use to do 
When hand to hand they charge their foe. 
This order the advent'rous Knight, 
Most soldier-like, observ'd in fight. 
When Fortune (as she's wont) turn'd fickle, 515> 
Ai.d for the foe l>o?an to stickle. 



PART I.— CANTO III. 79 

The more shame for her goodyshij), 

To give so near a friend the sHp. 

For Colon choosing out a stone, 

Leveird so right, it thump'd upon 520 

His manly paunch witli such a force, 

As almost beat him off his horse. 

He lost his whinyard, and the rein ; 

But laying fast hold of the mane, 

Preserv'd his seat : and as a goose 525 

In death contracts his talons close. 

So did the Knight, and with one claw 

The trigger of his pistol draw. 

The gun went off : and as it was 

Still fatal to stout Hudibras, 530 

In all his feats of arms, when least 

He dreamt of it, to prosper best, 

So now he far'd : the shot, let fly 

At random 'mong the ehemy, 

Pierc'd Talgol's gaberdine, and grazing 535 

Upon his shoulder, in the passing 

Lodged in Magnano's brass habergeon, 

Who straight, A surgeon ! cry'd, a surgeon ! 

He tumbled down, and, as he fell. 

Did Murther ! Murther ! ]VIurther ! yell. 540 

This startled their whole body so. 

That if the Knight had not let go 

His arms, but been in warlike plight, 

H' had won (the second time) the fight ; 

As, if the Squire had but fall'n on, 545 

He had inevitably done : 

But he, diverted with the care 

Of Hudibras his hurt, forbare 

To press tli' advantage of his fortune, 

While danger did the rest dishearten : 550 

For he with Cerdon b'ing engag'd 

In close encounter, they both wag'd 

The fight so well, 'twas hard to say 

Which side was like to get the day. 

And now the busy work of death 555 

Had tir'd them, so th' agreed to breathe, 

Preparing to renew the fight, 

When the disaster of the Knight, 



80 HUDIBRAS. 

And tir other party, did divert 

Their fell intent, and forc'd them part. 560 

Ralpho press'd up to Hudibras, 

And Cerdon where Magnano was ; 

Each striving- to confirm his' party 

With stout encouragements and hearty. 

Quoth Ilalpho, Courage, vaUant Sir, 565 
And let revenge and honour stir 
Your spirits u\) : once more fall on, 
The shatter'd foe begins to run : 
For if but half so well you knew 
To use your victory as subdue, 570 

They durst not, after such a blow 
As you have given them, face us now ; 
But from so formidable a soldier 
Had fled like crows wlien they smell powder. 
Thrice have they seen your sword aloft 575 
Wav'd o'er their heads, and fled as oft ; 
But if you let them recollect 
Their spirits, now dismay'd and check'd, 
You'll have a harder game to play 
Than yet y' have had to get the day. 580 

Thus spoke the stout Squire ; but was heard 
By Hudibras with small regard. 
His thoughts were fuller of the bang 
He lately took, than Ralph's harangue ; 
To which he answer'd. Cruel Fate 585 

Tells me thy counsel comes too late. 
The knotted blood within my hose, 
That from my wounded body flows. 
With mortal crisis doth portend 
My days to appropinque an end. 590 

r am for action now unfit, 
Either of fortitude or wit : 
Fortune, my foe, begins to frown, 
Resolv'd to pull my stomach down. 
I am not apt, upon a wound, 595 

Or trivial basting, to despond : 
Yet I'd be loth my days to curtail : 
For if I thought my wounds not mortal, 
Or that we'd time enough as yet 
To make an hon'rable retreat, 600 



PART I.— CANTO III. 81 

'Twere the best course : but if they find 

We fly, and leave our arms behind 

For them to seize on, the dishonour, 

And danofer too, is such, Til sooner 

Stand to it boldly, and take quarter, 605 

To let them see I am no starter. 

In all the trade of war, no feat 

Is nobler than a brave retreat : 

For those that run away, and fly, 

Take place at least of th' enemy. 610 

This said, the Squire with active speed, 
Dismounted from his bony steed. 
To seize the arms, which, by mischance, 
Fell from the bold Knig-ht in a trance. 
These being found out, and restor'd 615 

To Hudibras, their natural lord. 
As a man may say, with might and main 
He hasted to get up again. 
Thrice he essay 'd to mount aloft, 
But, by his weighty bum, as oft 620 

He was pulFd back, till having found 
Th' advantage of the rising ground, 
Thither he led his warlike steed. 
And having plac'd him right, with speed 
PreparM again to scale the beast ; 625 

When Orsin, who had newly dress'd 
The bloody scar upon the shoulder 
Of Talgol with Promethean powder, 
And now was searching for the shot 
That laid Magnano on the spot, 630 

Beheld the sturdy Squire aforesaid 
Preparing to climb iip his horse' side. 
He left his cure, and laying hold 
Upon his arms, with courage bold, 
Cry'd out, 'Tis now no time to dally, 635 

The enemy "begin to rally; 
Let us, that are unhurt and whole. 
Fall on, and happy man bo's dole. 

This said, like to a thunderbolt, 
He flew with fury to th' assault, 640 

Striving the enemy to attack 
Before he reach'd his horse's back. 
E2 



82 HUDIBRAS. 

Ralpho was mounted now, and gotten 

Certhwart his beast witli active vau'ting, 

Wriggling- his body to recover 645 

His seat, and cast his right leg over ; 

When Orsin, rushing in, bestow'd 

On horse and man so heavy a load, 

The beast was startled, and begun 

To kick and fling like mad, and run, 650 

Bearing the tough Squire like a sack, 

Or stout king R,ichard, on his back ; 

Till stumbling, he threw him down, 

Sore bruisM, and cast into a swoon. 

Meanwhile the Knight began to rouse 655 

The sparkles of liis wonted prowess: 

He thrust his hand into his hose. 

And found, both by his eyes and nose, 

'Twas only choler, and not blood. 

That from his wounded body flowed. G60 

Tliis, with the hazard of the Squire, 

Inflam'd him with despiteful ire : 

Courageously he fac'd about. 

And drew his other pistol out, 

And now had halfway bent the cock, 665 

When Cerdon gave so fierce a shock, 

With sturdy truncheon, 'thv.'art his arm, 

That down it fell, and did no harm : 

Then stoutly pressing on with speed, 

Assay 'd to pull him oft his steed. 670 

The Knight his sword had only left, 

With which he Cerdon's head had cleft, 

Or at the least cropt off a limb. 

But Orsin came, and rescued him. 

He, with his lance, attack'd the Knight 675 

Upon his quarters opposite : 

But as a bark, that in foul weather, 

Toss'd by two adverse winds together, 

Is bruis'd, and beaten to and fro. 

And knows not wliich to turn him to ; 680 

So far'd the Knight between two foes, 

And knew not which of them t' oppose ; 

Till Orsin, charging with his lance 

At Hudihras, by spiteful clinnce 



PART 1.— CANTO 111. 83 

Hit Ceidon such a bang, as stunn'd 685 

And laid him flat upon the ground. 

At this the Knight began to cheer up, 

And, raising up himself on stirrup, 

Cry'd out, Victoria ! He thou there, 

And I shall straight dispatch another, 690 

To bear thee company in death ; 

But first I'll halt a while, and breathe : 

As well he miglit ; for Orsin, griev'd 

At th' wound that Cerdon had receiv'd, 

Ran to relieve him with his lore, 695 

And cure the hurt he gave before. 

Meanwhile the Knight had wheeFd about, 

To breatlie himself, and next find out 

Th' advantage of the ground, where best 

He might the rufiled foe infest. 700 

This b'ing resolved, he spurr'd his steed, 

To run at Orsin with full speed, 

Wliile he was busy in the care 

Of Cerdon 's wound, and unaware ; 

But he was quick, and had already 705 

Unto the part apply 'd remedy ; 

And, seeing th' enemy prepar'd, 

Drew up, and stood upon his guard. 

Then, like a warrior right expert 

And skilful in the martial art, 710 

The subtle Knight straight made a halt, 

And judg'd it best to stay th' assault, 

Until he had reliev'd the Squire, 

And then in order to retire ; 

Or, as occasion should invite, 715 

With forces join'd renew the figlit. 

Ralpho, by this time disentranc'd, 

Upon his bum himself advanc'd. 

Though sorely bruis'd ; his limbs all o'er 

With ruthless bangs were stiff" and sore. 720 

Right fain he would have got upon 

His feet again, to get hiin gone. 

When Hudibias to aid him came : 

Quoth he (and call'd him by his name,) 

Courage I the day at length is ours ; 195 

And we once more, a,s conquerors, 



84 HUDIBRAS. 

Have both the field and honour won : 

The foe is profligate, and run. 

I mean all such as can ; for some 

This hand hath sent to their long home ; 730 

And some lie sprawling on the ground, 

With many a gash and bloody wound. * 

Caesar himself could never say 

He got two victories in a day, 

As I have done, that can say, Twice I 735 

In one day, Veni, Vidi, Vici. 

The foe's so numerous, that we 

Cannot so often vincere 

As they perire, and yet enow 

Be left to strike an after- blow ; 740 

Then, lest they rally, and once more 

Put us to fight the bus'ness o'er. 

Get up, and mount thy steed : Dispatch, 

And let us both their motions watch. 

Quoth Ralph, I should not, if I were 745 
In case for action, now be here : 
Nor have I turn'd my back, or hang'd 
An arse, for fear of being bang'd. 
It was for you I got these harms, 
Adventuring to fetch off your arms. 750 

The blows and drubs I have receiv'd 
Have bruis'd my body, and bereav'd 
My limbs of strength. Unless you stoop. 
And reach your hand to pull me up, 
I shall lie here, and be a prey 755 

To those who now are run away. 

That thou shalt not (quoth Hudibras ;) 
We read the ancients held it was 
More honourable far, servare 
Civcm, than slay an adversary : 760 

The one we oft to-day have done, 
The other shall dispatch anon : 
And though th' art of a different church, 
I will not leave thee in the lurch. 
This said, he jogg'd his good steed nigher, 765 
And steer'd him gently tov/ards the Squire ; 
Then bowing down his body, stretcliM 
His hand out, and at Ralpho reachM ; 



PART I.— I.ANTO III. 85 

When Trulla, whom he did not mind, 

Charged him like hghteiiing beliind. 770 

She had been long in search about 

Magnano's wound, to find it out ; 

But could find none, nor where the shot, 

That had so startled him, was got : 

But having found the worst was past, 775 

She fell to her own work at last. 

The pillage of the prisoners, 

Which in all feats of arms was hers ; 

And now to plunder Ralph she flew, 

When Hudibras his hard fate drew 780 

To succour him ; for, as he bow'd 

To help him up, she laid a load 

Of blows so heavy, and plac'd so well, 

On t' other side, that down he fell. 

Yield, scoundrel base (quoth she,) or die : 785 

Thy life is mine, and liberty : 

But if thou think'st I took thee tardy, 

And dar'st presume to be so hardy. 

To try thy fortune o'er afresh, 

I'll waive my title to thy flesh ; 790 

Thy arms and baggage, now my right ; 

And, if thou hast the heart to try 't, 

ril lend thee back thyself a while. 

And once more, for that carcass vile. 

Fight upon tick. — Quoth Hudibras, 795 

Thou offer'st nobly, valiant lass. 

And I shall take thee at thy word. 

First let me rise and take my sword ; 

That sword which has so oft this day 

Through squadrons of my foes made way, 800 

And some to other worlds dispatched. 

Now with a feeble spinster matched. 

Will blush with blood ignoble stain'd. 

By which no honour's to be gain'd. 

But if thou'lt take m' advice in this, 805 

Consider whilst thou may'st, what 'tis 

To interrupt a victor's course, 

B' opposing- such a trivial force : 

For if with conquest 1 come off" 

(And that I ahall do, suie enough,) 810 



86 HUDIBRAS. 

Quarter thou canst not have, nor grace, 

By law of arms, in such a case ; 

Both which I now do offer freely. 

I scorn (quoth she) thou coxcomb silly 

(Clapping her hand upon her breech, 815 

To show how much she priz'd his speech,) 

Quarter or counsel from a foe ; 

If thou canst force me to it, do. 

But lest it should again be said, 

When I have once more won thy head, 820 

I took thee napping, unprepar'd, 

Arm, and betake thee to thy guard. 

This said, she to her tackle fell, 
And on the Knight let fall a peal 
Of blows so fierce, and pressed so home, 825 
That he retirM, and followed 's bum. 
Stand to 't (quoth she) or yield to mercy : 
It is not fighting arsie-versie 
Shall serve thy turn. — This stirr'd his spleen 
More than the danger he was in, 830 

The blows he felt, or was to feel, 
Although th"' already made him reel. 
Honour, despight, revenge, and shame, 
At once into his stomach came. 
Which firM it so, he rais'd his arm 835 

Above his head, and rain'd a storm 
Of blows so terrible and thick, 
As if he meant to hash her quick. 
But she upon her truncheon took them, 
And by oblique diversion broke them, 840 

Waiting an opportunity 
To pay all back with usury, 
Whicli long she fail'd not of; for now 
The Kuiglit with one dead-doing blow 
Resolving to d.ecide the fight, 845 

And she with quick and cunning sleight 
Avoiding it, the force and weight 
He charged upon it was so great. 
As almofit sv/sjyM him to the ground. 
No sooner slic th' advantage found, 850 

Bui in slic tlcw ; and seconding 
With huine-niade Ihrubt tlic heavy swing. 



PART I.— CANTO 111. 87 

She laid him flat upon his side ; 

And mouulino- on his trunk astride, 

Quoth she, I told thee what would come 855 

Of ail thy vapouring, base scum. 

Say, will the law of arms allow 

I may have gra5e and quarter now ? 

Or wilt thou rather break thy v\^ord. 

And stain thine honour, than thy sword? 860 

A man of war to damn his soul, 

In basely breaking his parole ; 

And when, before the fight, th' hadst vow'd 

To give no quarter in cold blood : 

Now thou hast got me for a Tartar, 865 

To make me 'gainst my will take quarter, 

Why dost not put me to the sword. 

But cowardly fly from thy word P 

Quoth Hudibras, The day's thine own ; 
Thou and thy stars have cast me down ; 870 
My laurels are transplanted now, 
And flourish on thy conquering brow ; 
My loss of honour 's great enough, 
Thou need'st not brand it with a scoff: 
Sarcasms may eclipse thine own, 875 

But cannot blur my lost renown. 
I am not now in Fortune's power ; 
He that is down can fall no lower. 
The ancient heroes were illustrious 
For being benign, and not blustrous, 880 

Against a vanquished foe : their swords 
Were sharp and trenchant, not their words ; 
And did in figb.t but cut v/ork out 
T' employ tlicir courtesies about. 

Quoth she. Although thou hast deserv'd, 885 
Base slubberdegullion, to be serv'd 
As thou didst vow to deal with me, 
If thou hadst got the victory ; 
Yet I shall rather act a part 
That suits my fame than thy desert. 890 

Thy arms, thy liberty, beside 
All that's on th' outside of tliy hide, 
Are mine by military law, 
Of which I will not bate one straw : 



m HUDIBRAS. 

The rest, thy life and limbs, onre more, 895 
Though doubly forloit, 1 restore. 

Quotli Hndibras, Jt is too late 
For me to treat or stipulate : 
What thou command'st, I must obey : 
Yet those whom I expugn'd to-day 900 

Of thine own party, 1 let go, 
And gave them life and freedom too : 
Both dogs and bear, upon their parole, 
Whom 1 took prisoners in this quarrel. 
Quoth Trulla, Whether thou or they 905 

Let one another run away. 
Concerns not me : but was't not thou 
That gave Crowdero quarter too r* 
Crowdero, whom, in irons bound. 
Thou basely threw'st into Lob's pound, 910 
Where still he lies, and with regret 
His gen'rous bowels rage and fret. 
But now thy carcase shall redeem 
And serve to be exohang'd for him. 

This said, the Knight did straight submit, 915 
And laid his weapon at her feet. 
Next he disrob'd his gabardine, 
And with it did himself resign. 
She took it, and forthwith divesting 
The mantle that she wore, said jesting 920 
Take that, and wear it for my sake ; 
Then threw it o'er his sturdy back, 
And as the French, we conquer'd once, 
Now give us laws for pantaloons, 

923. Pautaloons and port-cannons were some of thfi 
fantastic fashions wherein we aped the French. 

At quisquis Insula satus Brltannica 

Sic patria insolcns fastidiet suam, 

Tit more simian labon-t fiiigere, 

Et ffimuiari Gallicas ineptias, 

Et omni (.alio eiio hunc opinor ebrium ; 

Ergo ex Britansin, ut Gallus esse nititur 

Sic Dii jubet(?, fiat ex Gallo Capus. 

Thomas More. 
Gallus is a river in Phryiria, risiuR out of the moun- 
tains of Celenas, and discharging itself into the river 
Sanger, tiie water of which is of that admirable quality, 
that, being moderately drank, it purges the brain, and 
■•ures madiir-ss ; but iar^'eiy draiik, it makes men fran 
ti"!. Pliny, Tioraiiiis. 



PART I.— CANTO III. 89 

The length of breeclie?, and the gathers, 925 
Port-cannons, periwigs, and feathers ; 
Just so the ]>roud insulting lass 
Array'd and dighted Hudibras. 

Meanwhile the other champions, yerst 
In hurry of the^fight disperst, 930 

Arrived when Trulla won the day, 
To share in tir honour and the prey, 
And out of Hudibras his hide 
With vengeance to be satisfy 'd ; 
Which now they were about to pour 935 

Upon him in a wooden show'r ; 
But Trulla thrust herself between, 
And striding o''er his back agen, 
She brandished o'er her head his sword. 
And vow\l they should not break her word : 
Sh'had giv'n him quarter, and her blood 941 
Or theirs should make that quarter good ; 
For she was bound, by law of arms, 
To see him safe from farther harms. 
In dungeon deep Crowdero, cast 945 

By Hudibras, as yet lay fast ; 
Where, to the hard and ruthless stones, 
His great heart made perpetual moans : 
Him she resolv\i that Hudibras 
Should ransom, and supply his place. 950 

This stopp'd their fury, and the basting 
Which towards Hudibras was hasting. 
They thought it was but just and right 
That what she had achiev'd in fight 
She should dispose of how she pleas'd ; 955 
Crowdero ought to be released : 
Nor could that any way be done 
So well as this she pitch'd upon : 
For who a better could imagine ? 
This therefore they resolved t' engage in. 960 
The Knight and Squire first they made 
Rise from the ground where they were laid : 
Then mounted both upon their horses, 
But with their faces to the arses ; 
Orsin led Iludibras's beast, 965 

And Talgol that which Ralpho prest, 



90 HUDTBRAS. 

Whom stout Maornaiio, valiant Cerdon, 

And Colon, wailed as a guard on ; 

All usirrin'ji" Triilk) in I lie rear, 

With 111' arms of cithor prisoner. 970- 

In this prond (U'dor and array 

They put theinsolves upon the way, 

Strivini;- to reach th' enchanted castle, 

Where stout Crowdero in durance lay still. 

Thither \vit!i -^Tcater speed than shows 975 

And trianij^h over conquered foes 

Do use V allow, or than the bears 

Or pageants borne before lord mayors 

Arc wont "to use, they soon arriv''d 

In order, soldier-like contrived ; 980 

Still marching in a warlike posture, 

As fit for battle as for muster. 

The Knight and Squire they first unhorse, 

And bending 'gainst the fort their force, 

They all advanced, and round about 985, 

Begirt the magical redoubt. 

Magnan led up in this adventure, 

And made way for the rest to enter ; 

For he was skilful in black art. 

No less than he that built the fort ; 990 

And v/ith an iron mace laid flat 

A breach, which straight all enter'd at, 

And in the wooden dungeon found 

Crowdero laid upon the ground. 

Him they release from durance base : 996 

Restored t' his fiddle and his case, 

And liberty, his thirsty rage 

With luscious vengeance to assuage : 

For he no sooner was at large, 

But TruUa straight brought on the charge, 

And in the self-same limbo put 1001 

The Knight and Squire where he was shut; 

Where leaving them in Hockley i' th' Hole, 

Their bangs and durance to condole, 

Confined and conjur'd into narrow 100& 

Enchanted mansion to know sorrow. 

In the same order and array 

Which they advanced, they march'd away. 



PART 1.— CANTO III. 91 

But Hudibras, who scorn'd to stoop 
To Fortune, or be said to droop, 1010 

ClieerVl up himself witli ends of verse, 
And sayings of pliilosophers. 

Quoth he, Th' one half of man, his mind, 
f s, sui juris, unconfirrd. 

And cannot be laid by tlie heels, 1015 

Whate'er the other moiety feels. 
Tis not restraint or liberty 
That makes men prisoners or free ; 
But perturbations that possess 
The mind, or eequanimities. 1020 

The whole world was not half so wide 
To Alexander, when he cry'd, 
Because he had but one to subdue, 
As was a paltry narrow tub to 
Diogenes, who is not said 1025 

(For aught that ever I could read) 
To whine, put finger i' th' eye, and sob, 
Because h' liad ne'er another tub. 
The ancients made two sev'ral kinds 
Of prowess in heroic minds ; 1030 

The active and the passive valiant; 
Bpth which are pari libra gallant : 
For both to give blows, and to carry, 
In fights are equi-necessary : 
But in defeats, the passive stout 1035 

Are always found to stand it out 
Most desperately, and to outdo 
The active 'gainst the conqu'ring foe. 
Tho' we with blacks and blues are suggill'd, 
Or, as the vulgar say, are cudgell'd ; 1040 

He that is valiant, and dares fight, 
Though drubb'd, can lose no honour by't. 
Honour's a lease for lives to come. 
And cannot be extended from 
The legal tenant ; 'tis a chattel 1045 

Not to be forfeited in battle. 
If he that in the field is slain. 
Be in the bed of honour lain. 
He that is beaten may be said 
To lie in lionour's truckle-bed. 1050 



92 HUDIBRAS. 

For an wo kpo iW of',1ip,f;od sim 

Hv mortals is iiioro oazVl upon, 

Thnn Nvl,,- n n^lMvpVlwij]) all liis light, 

TT" ' ;-Icy most bright ; 

So estate, 1055 

Is nioril adiiiir'cl iind wonder'd at. 

■■>' Quotli Ralpli, How great I do not know 

We may by being beaten grow ; 

Uut none, that see how here we sit, 

Will judge us overgrown with wit. 1060 

As gifted brethren, preaching by 

A carnal hour-glass, do imply, 

Illumination can convey 

Into them what they have to say. 

But not liow much ; so well enough 1065 

Know you to charge, but not draw off: 

For who, witfiout a cap and bauble, 

Having subdu'd a bear and rabble, 

And might with honour have come off. 

Would put it to a second proof? 1070 

A politic exploit, right fit 

For Presbyterian zeal and wit. 

Quoth Hudibras, That cuckoo's tone, 
Ralpho, thou always harp'st upon. 
Wlien tliou at any thing would'st rail, 1075 
Thou mak'st Presbytery the scale 
To take the height on't, and explain 
To what degree it is profane : 
Whatsoever will not with (thy what d'ye call) 
Thy light jump right, thou call'st synodical; 
As if Presbytery were the standard 1081 

To size whatsoever 's to be slandered. 
Dost not remember how this day 
Thou to my beard was bold to say, 
That thou couldst prove bear-beating equal 
With synods orthodox and legal ? 1086 

Do if thou can'st, for I deny't. 
Ard dare thee to't with all thy light. . 

Quoth Ralpho, Truly that is no 
Hard matter for a man to do, 1090 

That has but any guts in 's brains. 
And cou'd believe it worth his pains; 



PART I. CANTO III. 93 

But Since you dare and urge me to it, 
You'll find I've light enough to do it. 

Synods are mystical bear-gardens, 1095 

Where elders, deputies, churchwardens, 
And other merjibers of the court, " 
Manage the Babylonish sport ; 
For prolocutor, scribe, and bear-ward. 
Do differ only in a mere word ; 1100 

Both are but sevVal synagogues 
(3f carnal men, and bears, and dogs : 
Both anti-christian assemblies. 
To H^i -chief bent, far "as in them lies ; 
BotJi stave and tail with fierce contests, 1105 
The one with men, the other beasts. 
The ditf 'rence is, the one fights with 
The tongue, the other with the teeth ; 
And that they bait but bears in this. 
In th' other, souls and consciences ; 1110 

Where samts themselves are brought to stake 
For gospel-light, and conscience' sake ; 
Expos'd to Scribes and Presbyters, 
Instead of mastifi:' dogs and curs, 
Than whom th' have less humanity ; 1115 

For these at souls of men will fly. 
This to the propliet did appear. 
Who in a vision saw a bear, 
Prefiguring the beastly rage 
Of church-rule in this latter age : 1120 

As is demonstrated at full 
By him that baited the Pope's bull. 
Bears nat'rally are beasts of prey, 
That live by rapine ; so do they. 
What are their orders, constitutions, 1125 

Clmrch-censures, curses, absolutions, 
But sev'ral mystic chains they make, 
To tie poor Christians to the stake. 
And then set heathen officers, 
Instead of dogs, about their ears ? 1130 

For to prohibit and dispense ; 
To find out, or to make offence ; 

1122. A learned divine in King James's time wrote a 
polemic work against the Pope, and gave it that un- 
lucky nickname of The Pope's Bull baited. 



94 HUDIBRAS. 

Of hell and heaven to dispose ; 

To play with souls at fast and loose ; 

To set what characters they please, 1135 

And mulcts on sin or godliness ; 

Reduce the church to gospel-order, 

By rapine, sacrilege, and murder; 

To make Presbytery supreme. 

And kings themselves submit to them ; 1140 

And force all people, though against 

Their consciences, to turn saints ; 

Must prove a pretty thriving trade, 

Wlien saints monopolists are made : 

Wlien pious frauds, and holy shifts, 1145 

Are dispensations and gifts, 

Their godliness becomes mere ware, 

And ev'ry synod but a fair. 

Synods are whelps of th' Inquisition, 

A mongrel breed of like pernicion; 1150 

And growing up, became the sires 

Of scribes, commissioners, and triers ; 

Whose bus'ness is, by cunning sleight. 

To cast a figure for men's light ; 

To find, in lines of beard and face, 1155 

The pliysiognomy of grace ; 

And, by the sound and twang of nose. 

If all be sound within disclose. 

Free from a crack or flaw of sinning, 

As men try pipkins by their ringing ; 1160 

By black caps, underlaid with white, 

Give certain guess at inward light. 

Which Serjeants at the gospel wear. 

To make the spiritual calling clear; 

The handkerchief about the neck 1165 

(Canonical cravat of Smeck, 

1165. Smcciymnuus was a club of five parliamentary 

liolderri-forth ; ilie ciiaracters of whose names and ta- 
lents well' by !li:jiii3(:;ives oxpressed in that senseless and 
iMsigiiilii-auT word. Tiiey wore handkerchiefs about 
iheir neckp tor a mark of distinction (as the officers of 
the j)ailia;i!:nii army then did), which afterwards de- 
giiiieratrd into carnal i ravats. About the beginning of 
the Inni iruliumi'iit, in the year 1G41, these five wrote 
a book ai^aiiis! ipiscouacy and the Common Prayer, to 
A'hich Mi.jy ai! .-;iii>-cii!)od their names ; being Stephen 
Marshal, ELlm;i:sd Caiauiy, Thoma?. Young, Matthew 



PART I.— CANTO III. 95 

From whom the institution came, 

When church and state they set on flame, 

And worn by them as badges then 

Of spiritual warfaring men) 1170 

Judge rightly if regeneration 

Be of the newest cut in fashion. 

vSure 'tis an orthodox opinion, 

That grace is founded in dominion. 

Great piety consists in pride ; 1175 

To rule is to be sanctified : 

To domineer, and to control. 

Both o'er the body and the soul, 

Is the most perfect discipline 

Of church-rule, and by right divine. 1180 

Bel and the Dragon's chaplains were 

More moderate than tliese by far : 

For they (poor knaves) were glad to cheat, 

To get their wives and children meat ; 

But these will not be fobb'd off so ; 1185 

They must have wealth and power too, 

Or else with blood and desolation 

Tliey'U tear it out o' th' heart o' th' nation. 

Sure these themselves from primitive 
And heathen priesthood do derive, 1190 

When butchers were the only clerks, 
Elders and presbyters of kirks; 
Wliose directory was to kill ; 
And some believe it is so still. 
The only dilfrence is, that then 1195 

Tliey slaughter'd only beasts, now men. 
For then to sacrifice a bullock, 
Or now and then a child to Moloch, 

Newcomen, and William Spurstow, and from thence 
tliey and tlieir followers were called Smectymnians. 
They are remarkable for another pious book, which 
they wrote some time after that, entitled The King's 
Cabinet Unlocked, wherein all the chaste and endear- 
ing expressions, in the letters that passed between his 
majesty King Charles 1. and his royal consort, are by 
these painful labourers in the devil's vineyard turned 
into burlesque and ridicule. Their books were answer- 
ed with as much calmness and uenteelness of expression, 
and as much learning and hoiifHty, by the Rev. Mr. Sy- 
monds, then a deinived cler^;yinan, as theirs was stuffed 
with malice, spleen, and rascally inveclivcs. 



96 HUDIBRAS. 

They count a vile abomination, 

But not to slaughter a whole nation. 1200 

Presbytery does but translate 

The papacy to a free state ; 

A commonwealth of Popery, 

Where ev'ry village is a see 

As well as Rome, and must maintain 1205 

A tithe-pig metropolitan ; 

Where ev'ry presbyter and deacon 

Commands the keys for cheese and bacon ; 

And ev'ry hamlet's governed 

By 's Holiness, the church's head ; 1210 

More haughty and severe in 's place, 

Than Gregory or Boniface. 

Such churth must (surely) be a monster 

With many heads : for if we conster 

What in th' Apocalypse we find, 1215 

According to th' apostle's mind, 

'Tis that the whore of Babylon 

With many heads did ride upon ; 

Which heads denote the sinful tribe 

Of deacon, priest, lay-elder, scribe. 1220 

Lay-elder, Simeon to Levi, 
Whose little finger is as heavy 
As loins of patriarchs, prince-prelate. 
And bishop-secular. This zealot 
Is of a mongrel, diverse kind ; 1225 

Cleric before, and lay behind ; 
A lawless linseywoolsey brother. 
Half of one order, half another ; 
A creature of amphibious nature. 
On land a beast, a fish in water ; 1230 

That always preys on grace or sin ; 
A sheep without, a wolf within. 
This fierce inquisitor has chief 
Dominion over men's belief 
And manners ; can pronounce a saint 1235 
Idolatrous or ignorant, 
When superciliously he sifts 
Through coarsest boulter others' gifts ; 
For all men live and judge amiss, 
Whose talent;; jump iiot just with his. 1240 



PART L— CANTO III. 97 

He'll lay on gifts with hands, and place 

On dullest noddle light and grace, 

The manufacture of the kirk, 

Those pastors are but th' handy-work 

Of his mechanic paws, instilling 1245 

Divinity in them'by feeling; 

From whence they start up chosen vessels, 

Made by contact, as men get measles. 

So cardinals, they say, do grope 

At th' other end the new-made pope. 1250 

Hold, hold, quoth Hudibras ; soft fire, 
They say, does make sweet malt. Good Squire, 
Festina lente, not too fast; 
For haste (the proverb says) makes waste. 
The quirks and cavils thou dost make 1255 
Are false, and built upon mistake : 
And I shall bring you, with your pack 
Of fallacies, t' elenchi back ; 
And put your arguments in mood 
Arid figure to be understood, 1260 

ril force you, by right ratiocination. 
To leave your vitilitigation, 

1249. This relates to the story of Pope Joan, who was 
called John VIII. Platiiia saith she was of English ex- 
traction, but born at Mentz ; who, having disguised her- 
self like a man, travelled with her paramour to Athens, 
where she made such progress in learning, that coming 
to Rome, she met willi few that could equal her; so 
that, on the death of Pope Leo IV. she was chosen to 
succeed him ; but being got with child by one of her do- 
mestic.-', her travail came upon her between the Coloe- 
siau Theatre and St. Clement's, as she was going to the 
Lateran Church, and died upon the place, having sat 
two years, one month, and four days, and was buried 
there without any pomp. He owns that, for the shame 
of this, the popes decline going through this street to the 
Lateran; and that, to avoid the like error, when any 
pope is placed in the Porphyry Chair, his genitals are 
felt by the youngest deacon, through a hole made for 
that purpose ; but he supposes the reason of that to be, 
to put him in mind that lie is a man, and obnoxious to 
tlie necprfsiiies of nature , whence he will have the seat 
to be called Sedes Stercoraria. 

12fi2. Vitilitigation is a word the KniglitAvns passion- 
ately in love with, and never failed to use it upon all 
occasions ; and therefore to omit il, when it fell in the 
way, had argued too great a nc^'lcctof his learning and 
parts ; though it means no more than a nti veise humour 
of wrangling. F 



98 HUDIBRAS. 

And make you keep to th' question close. 
And argue dialecticos. 

Tlie question then, to state it first, 1265 

Is, which is better, or which worst, 
Synods or bears ? Bears I avow 
To be the worst, and synods thou. 
But to make good th' assertion, 
Thou say'st they're really all one. 1270 

If so, not worse ; for if th' are idem, 
Why then, tantundem dat tantidem. 
For if they are the same, by course, 
Neither is better, neither worse. 
But I deny they are the same, 1275 

More than a maggot and I anj. 
That both are animalia 
I grant, but not rationalia : 
For though they do agree in kind, 
Specific difference we find ; 1280 

And can no more make bears of these, 
Than prove my horse is Socrates. 
That synods are bear-gardens too, 
Thou dost affirm : but I say. No : 
And thus I prove it in a word ; 1285 

Whats'ever assembly's not impow'r'd 
To censure, curse, absolve, and ordain 
Can be no synod : but bear-garden 
Has no such pow'r ; ergo, 'tis none : 
And so thy sophistry's o'erthrown. 1290 

But yet we are beside the question 
Which thou didst raise the first contest on ; 
For that was, Wliether bears are better 
Than synod-men ? I say, Negatur, 
That bears are beasts, and synods men, 1295 
Is held by all : they're better then ; 
For bears and dogs on four legs go, 
As beasts, but synod-men on Two. 
'Tis true, they all have teeth and nails ; 
But prove that synod-men have tails ; 1300 
Or that a rugged, shaggy fur 
Grows o'er the hide of presbyter; 
Or that his snout and spacious ears 
Do hold proportioTi wilh a bear's. 



PART 1.— CANTO III. 99 

A boar's w savafre beast, of all 1305 

Most ugly ind unnatural ; 

Whelp'd without form, until the dam 

Has lickM it into shape and frame : 

But all thy light can ne'er evict, 

That ever synod man was lick'd, 1310 

Or brought to any other fashion 

Than his own will and inclination. 

But thou dost farther yet in this 
Oppugn thyself and sense ; that is, 
Thou would'st have presbyters to go 1315 

For bears and dogs, and bear-wards too ; 
A strange chimera of beasts and men, 
Made up of pieces heterogene ; 
Such as in nature never met 
In eodem subjecto yet. 1320 

Thy other arguments are ail 
Supposures, hypothetical. 
That do but beg, and we may choose 
Either to grant them, or refuse. 
Much thou hast said, which I know when 1325 
And where thou stol'st from other men. 
Whereby 'tis plain thy light and gifts 
Are all but plagiary shifts ; 
And is the same that Ranter said. 
Who, arguing with me, broke my head, 1330 
And tore a handful of my beard : 
The self-same cavils then I heard, 
When, b'ing in hot dispute about 
This controversy, we fell out : 
And what thou know'st 1 answered then, 1335 
Will serve to answer thee agen. 

Quoth Ralpho, Nothing but th' abuse 
Of human learning you produce ; 
Learning, that cobweb of the brain. 
Profane, erroneous, and vain ; 1340 

A trade of knowledge, as replete 
As others are with fraud and cheat ; 
An art t' incumber gifts and wit. 
And render botli for nothing fit ; 
Makes light unactivc, dull, and troubled, 1345 
Like liltle David in SauFs doul)let : 



100 HUDIBRAS. 

A cheat that scholars put upon 

Other men's reason and their own ; 

A fort of error, to ensconce 

Absurdity and ignorance ; • 1350 

That renders all the avenues 

To truth impervious and abstruse, 

By making plain things, in debate, 

By art perplexed and intricate : 

For nothing goes for sense or light, 1355 

That will not with old rules jump right: 

As if rules were not in the schools 

Derived from truth, hut truth from rules. 

This Pagan heathenish invention 

Js good for nothing but contention. 1360 

For as, in sword and buckler fight, 

All blows do on tlie target light ; 

So when men argue, the greafst part 

O' th' contest falls on terms of art, 

Until the fustian stuff be spent, 1365 

And then they fall to th' argument. 

Quoth Hudibras, Friend Ralph, thou hast 
Outrun the constable at last : 
For thou art fallen on a new 
Dispute, as senseless as untrue, 1370 

But to tile former opposite 
And contrary as black to white ; 
Mere desparata ; that concerning 
Presbytery; this, human learning; 
Two things s' averse, they never yet 1375 

But in thy rambling fancy met. 
But I shall take a fit occasion 
T' evince thee by ratiocination, 
Some other time, in place more proper 
Than this we're in ; tlierefore lets stop here, 
And rest our weary 'd bones a while, 1381 

Already tir'd with other toil. 

1373. Disparata are things separate and unlike, from 
tJie Latin word dispare. 



lui 



PART II.— CANTO 1. 

The Knight, by damnable magician, 
Being cast illegally in prison, 
Love brings flis action on the case, 
And lays it upon Hudibras. 
How he receives the Lady's visit, 
And cunningly solicits his suit, 
Which he deters ; yet on parole 
Redeems him from th' enchanted hole. 

But now t' observe romantic method, 

Let bloody steel awhile be sheathed ; 

And all those harsh and rugged sounds 

Of bastinadoes, cuts, and wounds, 

Exchang'd to Love's more gentle style, 5 

To let our reader breathe a while : 

In which, that we may be as brief as 

Is possible, by way of preface, 

Is't not enough to make one strange. 

That some men's fancies should ne'er change,10 

But make all people do and say 

The same things still the self-same way .'' 

Some writers make all ladies purloin'd, 

And knights pursuing like a whirlwind : 

Others make all their knights, in fits 15 

Of jealousy, to lose their wits ; 

Till drawing blood o' th' dames, like witches, 

Th' are forthwith cur'd of their capriches. 

Some always thrive in their amours, 

By pulling plaisters off their sores : 20 

As cripples do to get an alms, 

.lust so do the3% and win their dames. 

Some force whole regions, in despite 

O' geography, to change their site ; 

Make former times shake hands with latter, 25 

And that which was before come after. 

1. The beginning of this Second Part may perhaps 
Foem strange and abrupt to those who do not know that 
it was written on purpose in imitation of Virgil, who be- 
(.rins the I Vth Book of his iEneid? in the very same man- 
lier, 'At Regina gravi,' &c. And this is enough to satis- 
fy tlie curiosity of those who believe that invention and 
fdncy ought to be measured (like cases in law) by pre- 
cedents, or else they are in the power of the critic 



102 HUDIBRAS. 

But ilioso tliat write in rhyme, still make 

The one verse for the other's sake ; 

"For one for sense, and one for rhyme, 

I think's sufficient at one time. 30 

But we forget in what sad plight 
We whilom left the captive Knight 
And pensive Squire, both bruisM in body, 
And conjured into safe custody. 
Tir'd with dispute and speaking Latin, 35 

As well as basting and bear-baiting, 
And desperate of any course. 
To free himself by wit or force. 
His only solace was, that now 
His dog-bolt fortune was so low, 40 

That either it must quickly end, 
Or turn about again, and mend ; 
In which he found th' event, no less 
Than other times, beside his guess. 

There is a tall long-sided dame, tS 

(But wondrous light,) ycleped Fame, 
That, like a thin cameleon, boards 
Herself on air, and eats her words ; 
Upon her shoulders wings she wears 
Like hanging sleeves lin'd through with ears, 50 
And eyes, and tongues, as poets list, 
Made good by deep mythologist : 
With these she through the welkin flies, 
And sometimes carries truth, oft lies; 
With letters hung, like eastern pigeons, 55 
And mercuries of farthest regions; 
Diurnals writ for regulation 
Of lying, to inform the nation ; 
And by their public use to bring down 
The rate of whetstones in the kingdom. 60 
About her neck a pacquet-mail. 
Fraught with advice, some fresh, some stale. 
Of men that walk'd when they were dead. 
And cows of monsters brought to bed ; 
Of hail-stones big as pullets' eggs, 65 

And puppies' whelp 'd with twice two legs ; 
A blazing-star seen in the west, 
By six or seven men at least. 



PART II.— CANTO I. 103 

Two trumpets she doth sound at once^ 
But both of clean contrary tones ; 70 

But whether both in the same wind, 
Or one before, and one behind, 
We know not ; only this can tell, 
Tlie one sounds vilely, th' other well ; 
And therefore vulgar authors name 75 

Th' one Good, th' other Evil, Fame. 
This tattling gossip knew too well 
What miscliief Hudibras befel, 
And straight the spiteful tidings bears 
Of all to th' unkind widow's ears. 80 

Democritus ne'er laugh'd so loud, 
To see bawdd carted through the crowd, 
Or funerals with stately pomp 
March slowly on in solemn dump, 
As she laugh'd out, until her back, 85 

As well as sides, was hke to crack. 
She vow'd she would go see the sight, 
And visit the distressed Knight ; 
To do the office of a neighbour. 
And be a gossip at his labour ; 90 

And from his wooden jail, the stocks, 
To set at large his fetter-locks ; 
And by exchange, parole, or ransom, 
To free him from th' enchanted mansion, 
This b'ing resolv'd, she call'd for hood 95 

And usher, implements abroad 
Which ladies wear, beside a slender 
Young waiting-damsel to attend her. 
All which appearing, on she went, 
To find the Knight in limbo pent : 100 

And 'twas not long before she found 
Him, and the stout Squire, in the pound ; 
Both coupled in enchanted tether, 
By farther leg behind together. 
For as he sat upon his rump, 105 

His head, like one in doleful dump. 
Between his knees, his hands apply'd 
Unto his ears on either side. 
And by him, in another hole, 
Afflicted Ralpho, cheek by jowl ; 110 



104 HUDIBRAS. 

She camo upon him hi his wooden 

Magician ''s circle, on the sudden, 

As spirits do t'' a conjuror, 

WJien in their dreadful shapes th' appear. 

No sooner did the Knight perceive her, 115 
But straight he fell into a fever, 
Intiani'd all over with disgrace. 
To be seen by her in such a place ; 
Which made him hang his head, and scowl, 
And wink and goggle like an owl. 120 

He. felt his brains begin to swim. 
When thus the dame accosted him : 

This place (quoth she) they say's enchanted, 
And with delinquent spirits haunted. 
That here are ty'd in chains, and scourg'd, 125 
Until their guilty crimes be purg'd : 
Look, there are two of them appear. 
Like persons I have seen somewhere. 
Some having mistaken blocks and posts 
For spectres, apparitions, ghosts, 130 

With saucer eyes, and horns ; and some 
Have heard the devil beat a drum ; 
But if our eyes are not false glasses, 
That give a wrong account of faces. 
That beard and T should be acquainted, 135 
Before 'twas conjur'd or enchanted ; 
For though it be disfigur'd somewhat, 
As if 't had lately been in combat, 
jt did belong to a worthy knight, 
Howe'er this goblin has come by't. 140 

When Hudibras the lady heard 
Discoursing thus upon his beard. 
And speak with such respect and honour 
Both of the beard and the beard's owner. 
He thought it best to set as good 145 

A face upon it as he cou'd. 
And thus he spoke : Lady, your bright 
And radiant eyes are in the right : 
The beard's th' identic beard you knew, 
The same numerically true ; 150 

Nor is it worn by fiend or elf, 
But its proprietor himself. 



PART II.— CANTO I. 105 

O heavens ! quoth she, can that be true ? 
I do begin to fear "tis you : 
Not by your individual whiskers, 155 

But by your dialect and discourse, 
That never spok^ to man or beast 
In notions vulgarly exprest. 
But what malignant star, alas ! 
Has brought you both to this sad pass? 160 

Quoth he, The fortune of tlie war, 
Which I am less afflicted for, 
Than to be seen with beard and face. 
By you in such a homely case. 

Quoth she, Those need not be ashara'd 165 
For being honourably maim'd ; 
If he that is in battle conquered 
Have any title to his own beard, 
Though yours be sorely lugg'd and torn, 
It does your visage more adorn 170 

Than if 'twere prun'd, and starch'd, and lan- 
And cut square by the Russian standard, [der'd, 
A torn beard's hke a tatter'd ensign, 
That's bravest which there are most rents in. 
That petticoat about your shoulders 175 

Does not so well become a soldier's ; 
And I'm afraid they are worse handled, 
Although i' th' rear, your beard the van led ; 
And those uneasy bruises make 
My heart for company to ake, 180 

To see so worshipful a friend 
I' th' pillory set, at the wrong end. 

Quoth Hudibras, This thing call'd pain 
Is (as the learned Stoics maintain) 
Not bad simpliciter, nor good, 185 

But merely as 'tis understood. 
Sense is deceitful, and many feign 
As well in counterfeiting pain 
As other gross phenomenas. 
In which it oft mistakes the case. 190 

But since th' immortal intellect 
(That's free from error and defect, 
Whose objects still persist the same) 
Is free from outward bruise and maim, 
F2 



106 HUDIBRAS. 

Which nought external can expose 195 

To ^ross material bangs or blows, 

It follows we can ne'er be sure 

Whether we pain or not endure ; 

And just so far are sore and griev'd, 

As by the fancy is bclievM. 200 

^ome have been wounded with conceit, 

And died of mere opinion straight; 

Others, tho' wounded sore in reason. 

Felt no contusion, nor discretion. 

A Saxon duke did grow so fat, 205 

The mice (as histories relate) 

Eat grots and labyrinths to dwell in 

Hi.s postic parts, without his feeling : 

Then how is't possible a kick 

Should e'er reach that way to the quick? 21Q 

Quoth she, I grant it is in vain 
For one that's basted to feel pain. 
Because the pangs his bones endure 
Contribute nothing to the cure : 
Yet Jionour hurt is wont to rage 215 

With pain no med'cine can assuage. 

Quoth he. That honour's very squeamish 
That takes a basting for a blemish ; 
For what's more hon'rable than scars, 
Or skin to tatters rent in wars ? 220 

Some have been beaten till they know 
What wood a cudgel's of by th' blow ; 
Some kick'd until they can feel whether 
A shoe be Spanish or neat's leather ; 
And yet have met, after long running, 225 

With some whom tiiey have taught that cun- 
Tlie farthest way about t' o'ercome, [ning. 
In th' end docs prove the nearest home. 
By laws of learned duellists. 
They that are bruis'd with wood or fists, 230 
And tliink one beating may for once 
Suffice, are cowards and paltroons : 
Bat if they dare engage t' a second. 
They're stout and gallant fellows reckon'd. 

'SO.'). The Wstory of the Dukf! af Saxony is not so 
straime as that of a bisliop, his countryman, who was 
djiitte eattn up witli rats und mice. 



PART II.— CANTO I. 107 

Th' old Romans freedom did bestow, 235 
Our princes worship, with a blow. 
King Pyrrhus cur'd his splenetic 
And testy courtiers with a kick. 
The Negus, when some mighty lord 
Or potentate's to be restored, 240 

And pardonM for some great offence, 
With which he's willing to dispense. 
First has liim laid upon his belly. 
Then beaten back aud side to a jelly ; 
That done, he rises, humbly bows, 245 

And gives thanks for the princely blows ; 
Departs not meanly proud, and boasting 
Of his magnificent rib-roasting. 
The beaten soldier proves most manful, 
That, like his sword, endures the anvil, 250 
And justly 's held more formidable, 
The more his valour's malleable : 
But he that fears a bastinado 
Will run away from his own shadow : 
And though Fm now in durance fast, 255 

r?y our own party basely cast. 
Ransom, exchange, parole refus'd, 
And worse than by the en 'my us'd : 
In close catasta shut, past hope 
Of wit or valour to elope ; 260 

As beards the nearer that they tend 
To th' earth still grow more reverend , 
And cannons shoot the higher pitches, 
The lower we let down their breeches ; 
I'll make this low dejected fate 265 

Advance me to a greater height. 

Quoth she, Y' have almost made me in love 
With that which did ray pity move. 
Oreat wits and valours, like great states, 
Do sometimes sink with their own weights : 270 

2^7. Pyrrliiis, kinf; of Epiriis, as Piiny says, had this 
•icciilt quality in histof, ' Fnliici;; in dextro i)ede tactu 
lieimsis iiiedel)aiur,' i. 7. r. 11. 

953. Caiasia is luit a pan of storks in English. But 
Iifrnical poetry must no; ailinn nfany vulvar word (rspi^ 
cially ofpaltry Kijinificaiiim,) and ilieieioie sfitiip of our 
nifidern aiilhoisare fai^i H'iMi[i<irt lotti^n woirls from 
abroadjlliatwcie never bi '.mv licaidol'ui uur lanmiajie 



108 HUDIBRAS. 

Th' extremes of glory and of shame, 

Like east and west, become the same : 

No Indian prince has to his palace 

More foU'wers than a thief to th' gallows. 

But if a beating seem so brave, 275 

What glories itlust a whipping have ? 

Such great achievements cannot fail 

To cast salt on a woman's tail : 

For if I thought your nat'ral talent 

Of passive courage were so gallant, 280 

As you strain hard to have it thought, 

I could grow amorous, and dote. 

When Hudibras this language heard, 
He prick'd up's ears, and strok'd his beard : 
Thought he, this is the lucky hour; 285 

Wines work when vines are in the flow'r. 
This crisis then I'll set my rest on. 
And put her boldly to the question. 

Madam, what you would seem to doubt. 
Shall be to all the world made out, 290 

How I've been drubb'd, and with what spirit 
And magnanimity I bear it ; 
And if you doubt it to be true, 
I'll stake myself down against you: 
And if I fail in love or troth, 295 

Be you the winner, and take both. 

Quoth she, I've heard old cunning stagers 
Say, fools for arguments use wagers ; 
And though I prais'd your valour, yet 
I did not mean to baulk your wit ; 300 

Which if you liave, you must needs know 
What I have told you before now. 
And you b' experiment have prov'd, 
I cannot love where I'm belov'd. 

Quoth Hudibras, 'tis a caprich 305 

Beyond th' infliction of a witch ; 
So cheats to play with those still aim 
That do not understand the game. 
Love in your lieai-t as idly burns 
As fire in antique Roman urns, 310 

To warm the dead, and vainly hght 
Those only that see nothing by't. 



PART IL— CANTO I. 109 

Have you not power to entertain, 

And render love for love again ; 

As no man can draw in his breath 315 

At once, and force out air beneath ? 

Or do you love yourself so much, 

To bear all rivals else a grutch ? 

What fate can lay a greater curse 

Than you upon yourself would force ? 320 

For wedlock without love, some say. 

Is but a lock without a key. 

It is a kind of rape to marry 

One that neglects, or cares not for ye : 

For what does make it ravishment, 325 

But b'ing against the mind's consent? 

A rape that is the more inhuman 

For being acted by a woman. 

Why are you fair, but to entice us 

To love you, that you may despise us? 336 

But though you cannot love, you say. 

Out of your own fanatic way, 

Why should you not at least allow 

Those that love you to do so too ? 

For, as you fly me, and pursue 335 

Love more averse so I do you ; 

And am by your own doctrine taught 

To practise what you call a fau't. 

Quoth she, If what you say is true, 
You must fly me as I do you ; 340 

But 'tis not what we do but say. 
In love and preaching that must sway. 

Quoth he. To bid me not to love, 
Is to forbid ray pulse to move. 
My beard to grow, my ears to prick up, 345 
Or (when I'm in a fit) to hiccup : 
Command me to piss out the moon. 
And 'twill as easily be done. 
Love's power's too great to be withstood 
By feeble human flesh and blood. 350 

'Twas he that brought upon his knees 
The hect'rmg, kill-cow Hercules ; 
Transform'd his leager-lion's skin 
T' a petticoat, and made him spin; 



110 HUDIBRAS. 

Seiz'd on his club, and made it dwindle 355 

T' a feeble distaff and a spindle. 

'Twas he that made emp'rors gallants 

To their own sisters and their aunts ; 

Set popes and cardinals agog, 

To play with pages at leap-frog. 360 

'Twas he that gave our senate purges, 

And flux'd the house of many a burgess; 

Made tliose that represent the nation 

Submit, and suffer amputation ; 

And all the grandees o' th' cabal 365 

Adjourn to tubs at spring and fall. 

He mounted synod-men, and rode 'em 

To Dirty Lane and little Sodom ; 

Made 'em curvet like Spanish jenets, 

And take the ring at Madam S70 

'Twas he that made Saint Francis do 
More than the devil could tempt him to, 
In cold and frosty weather grow 
Enamoured of a wife of snow ; 
And though she were of rigid temper, 375 

With melting flames accost and tempt her; 
Which after in enjoyment quenching, 
He hung a garland on his engine. 

Quoth she, if love hath these effects. 
Why is it not forbid our sex ? 380 

Why is't not damu'd and interdicted, 
For diabolical and wicked .'' 
And sung, as out of tune, against, 
As Turk and pope are by the saints ? 
I find Tve greater reason for it, 385 

Than I believ'd before, t' abhor it. 

Quoth Hudibras, These sad effects 
Spring from your heathenish neglects 
Of Love's great povv'r, which he returns 
Upon yourselves with equal scorns ; 390 

371. Tlie ancient writers of the lives of saints were 
of the same sort of people who tirst writ of knight-er- 
rantry ; and as in tlio one Ihey rendered the brave ac- 
tions of some great persons ridiculous, by their prodigi- 
ous lies, and sottiali way of describing them, so they 
have abused the piety of some devout persons, by im 
posing such stoiios on them as this upon St. Francis. 



PART IL— CANTO I. Ill 

And those who worthy lovers slight, 

Plagues with prepost'rous appetite. 

This made the beauteous queen of Crete 

To take a town-bull for her sweet, 

And from her greatness stoop so low, 395 

To be the rival of a cow : 

Others to prostitute their great hearts, 

To be baboons' and monkeys' sweethearts ; 

Some with the dev'l himself in league grow, 

By's representative a Negro. 400 

''Twas this made vestal maid love-sick, 

And venture to be bury'd quick : 

Some by their fathers, and their brothers, 

To be made mistresses and mothers. 

'Tis this that proudest dames enamours 405 

On lacqueys and valets de chambres ; 

Their haughty stomachs overcomes. 

And makes 'em stoop to dirty grooms ; 

To slight the world, and to disparage 

Claps, issue, infamy, and marriage. 41C 

Quoth she, These judgments are severe, 
Yet such as I should rather bear 
Than trust men with their oaths, or prove 
Their faith and secresy in love. 

Says he, There is as weighty reason 415 
For secresy in love as treason. 
Love is a burglarer, a felon. 
That at the windore-eye does steal in, 
To rob the heart, and with his prey 
Steals out again a closer way, 420 

Which whosoevei can discover. 
He's sure (as he deserves) to suffer. 
Love is a fire, that burns and sparkles 
In men as nat'rally as in charcoals. 
Which sooty chemists stop in holes, 425 

When out of wood they extract coals : 
So lovers should their passions choke. 
That, tho' they burn, they may not smoke. 

393. The liistory of Pasiphae is common enough: 
only this may be observed, that though she brought the 
bull a son and heir, yet tho husband was fain to father 
it, as appears by the name ; perhaps, because being an 
i-!land, he was within the four seas when the infant 
was begotten. 



112 HUDIBRAS. 

'Tis like that sturdy thief that stole 

And dragg'd beasts backward into's hole : 439 

So Love does lovers, and us men 

Draws by the tails into his den, 

That no impression may discover, 

And trace t' his cave the wary lover. 

But if you doubt I should reveal 435 

What you entrust me under seal, 

I'll prove myself as close and virtuous 

As your own secretary Albertiis. 

Qitotli she, I grant you may be close 
In hiding what your aims propose. 440 

Love-passions are like parables. 
By which men still mean something else. 
Though love be all the world's pretence, 
Money's the mythologic sense ; 
The real substance of the shadow, 445 

Which all address and courtship's made to. 

Tliought he, I understand your play, 
And how to quit you your own way : 
He that will win his dame must do 
As Love does when he bends his bow ; 450 
With one hand thrust the lady from, 
And with the other pull her home. 
I grant, quoth he, wealth is a great 
Provocative to amVous heat : 
It is all philtres, and high diet, 455 

That makes love rampant, and to fly out: 
'Tis beauty always in the flower, 
That buds and blossoms at fourscore : 
'Tis that by which the sun and moon 
At their own weapons are outdone : 460 

That makes kniglits-errant fall in trances, 
And lay about 'em in romances : 
'Tis virtue, wit, and worth, and all 
That men divine and sacred call : 
For what is worth in any thing, 465 

But so much money as 'twill bring? 
Or what but riches is there known. 
Which man can solely call hia own ; 

438. Albertus Magnus was a Swedish bishop, who 
wrote a very learueti work, ' De Secretis Mulierum.* 



PART ][.— CANTO 1. 113 

In which no creature g^oes his half, 

Unless it. be to squint and laugh ? 470 

I do confess with goods and land, 

I'd have a wife at second-hand ; 

And such you are. Nor is't your person 

My stomach's set so sharp and fierce on ; 

But 'tis (your better part) your riches, 475 

That my enamoured heart bewitches. 

Let me your fortune but possess. 

And settle your person how you please : 

Or make it o'er in trust to th' devil ; 

You'll find me reasonable and civil. 480 

Quoth she, I like this plainness better 
Than false mock-passion, speech, or letter, 
Or any feat of qualm or sowning. 
But hanging of yourself, or drowning. 
Your only way with me to break 485 

Your mind, is breaking of your neck ; 
For as when merchants break, o'erthrown 
Like nine-pins, they strike others down, 
So that would break my heart, which done, 
My tempthig fortune is your own. 490 

These are but trifles ; ev'ry lover 
Will damn himself over and over, 
And greater matters undertake 
For a less worthy mistress' sake : 
Yet th' are the only way to prove 495 

Th' unfeign'd realities of love : 
For he that hangs, or beats out's brains, 
The devil's in him if he feigns. 

Quoth Hudibras, This way's too rough 
For mere experiment and proof: 500 

It is no jesting trivial matter, 
To swing i' th' air, or douce in water, 
And, like a w^ater-witch, try love ; 
That's to destroy, and not to prove : 
As if a man should be dissected 505 

To find what part is disaffected. 
Your better way is to make over, 
In trust, your fortune to your lover, 

470. Pliny in liis Natural History, affirms, that, ' Unl 
animalium hoinini oculi depravantur, uude cognomina 
Slrabonum et PtTtonim.' Lib 2. 



J14 HUDIBRAS. 

Trust is a trial ; if it break, 

'Tis not so despVate as a neck. 510 

Beside, tir experiment's more ccrtam; 

Men venture necks to gain a fortune : 

Tlie soldier does it ev'ry day 

(Ei^'lit to the week) for six-pence pay : 

Your pettifog-gers damn their souls, 515 

To share with knaves in cheating fools : 

And merchants, ventVing through the main, 

Slight pirates, rocks, and horns, for gain. 

This is tlie way I advise you to : 

Trust me, and see what I will do. 520 

Quoth she, I should be loth to run 
Myself all th' hazard, and you none ; 
Which must be done, unless some deed 
Of yours aforesaid do precede. 
Give yourself one gentle swing, 525 

For trial, and I'll cut the string : 
Or give that rev'rend head a n'laul, 
Or two, or three, against a wall, 
To show you are a man of mettle, 
And I'll engage myself to settle. 530 

Quoth he. My head's not made of brass, 
As Friar Bacon's noddle was. 
Nor (like the Indian's skull) so tough, 
That authors say, 'twas musket-proof; 
As it had need to be, to enter, 535 

As yet, on any new adventure : 
You see what bangs it has endur'd, 
That would, before new feats be cur'd : 
But if that's all you stand upon, 
Here, strike me luck, it shall be done. 540 

Quoth she, The matter's not so far gone 
As you suppose : two words t' a bargain : 

532. The tradition of Friar Bacon and tlieBrazenHead 
is very commonly known ; and, considering the times ho 
lived in, is not much more strange than what another 
great philosoplier of his name has delivered np of a ring, 
that being tied in a siring, and held like a pendulum in 
the middle of a silver bowl, will vibrate of itself, and 
tell exactly against the sides of the divining cup, the 
same thing wUh, Time is, time was, &c. 

533. American Indians, among whom (the same au 
thors affirm) there are others whose skulls are so soft, \o 
use their own words, 'Ut digito pcrforari possunt.' 



' PART H.— CANTO I. 115 

That may be done, and time cnougli, 

Wiien you have given downright proof: 

And yet 'tis no fantastic pique 545 

I have to love, rjor coy dishke : 

'Tis no implicit, nice aversion 

T' your conversation, mien, or person, 

I>al a just fear, lest you should prove 

False and perfidious in love : 550 

i^'or if I thought you could be true, 

1 could love twice as much as you. 

Quoth he. My faith, as adamantine 
As chains of destiny, I'll maintain : 
True as Apollo ever spoke, 555 

Or oracle from heart of oak : 
And if you'll give my flame but vent, 
Now in"close hugger-mugger pent, 
And shine upon me but benignly, 
With that one and that other pigsney, 560 

The sun and day shall sooner part. 
Than love of you shake off my heart ; 
The sun, that shall no more dispense 
His own, but your bright influence, 
ril carve your name on barks of trees, 565 
With true-love's-knots and flourishes, 
That shall infuse eternal spring. 
And everlasting flourishing ; 
Drink ev'ry letter on't in stum, 
And make it brisk champagne become : 570 
Where'er you tread, your foot shall set 
The primrose and the violet : 
All spices, perfumes, and sweet powders, 
Shall borrow from your breath their odours : 
■ Nature her charter shall renew, 575 

And take all lives of things from you ; 
The world depend upon your eye. 
And when you frown upon it, die : 
Only our loves shall still survive, 
New worlds and natures to outlive, 580 

And, like to heralds' moons, remain 
All crescents, without change or wane. 

536. .lupiter's oracle in Epirus, near the city of Dodo- 
na, ' Ubi nemus erat Jovi sacrum. Querneum totum, 
in quo Jovis DodonaM teinplum fuisse nanatur.' 



116 HUDIBRAS. 

Hold, hold, quoth she; no more of this, 
Sir Knight ; you take your aim amiss : 
For you will find it a hard chapter 585 

To catch me with poetic rapture, 
In which your mastery of art 
Doth shew itself, and not your heart : 
Nor will you raise in mine combustion 
By dint of high heroic fustian. 590 

She that with poetry is won, 
Is but a desk to write upon ; 
And what men say of her, they mean 
No more than on the thing they lean. 
Some with Arabian spices strive 595 

T' embalm her cruelly alive ; 
Or season her, as French cooks use 
Their haut-gouts, bouillies, or ragouts : 
Use her so barbarously ill. 
To grind her lips upon a mill, 600 

Until the facet doublet doth 
Fit their rhymes rather than her mouth : 
Her mouth comparM to an oyster's, with 
A row of pearl in't — 'stead of teeth. 
Others make posies of her cheeks, 605 

"Where red and whitest colours mix ; 
In which the lily, and the rose, 
For Indian lake and ceruse goes. 
The sun and moon by her bright eyes 
Eclips'd and darken'd in the skies, 610 

Are but black patches, that she wears, 
Cut into suns, and moons, and stars : 
By which astrologers, as well 
As those in heav'n above, can tell 
What strange events they do foreshow 615 
Unto her under-world below. 
Her voice, the music of the spheres, 
So loud, it deafens mortals' ears. 
As wise philosophers have thought ; 
And that's the cause we hear it not. 620 

This has been done by some, who those 
Th' ador'd in rhyme would kick in prose ; 
And in those ribbons would have hung, 
Of which melodiously they sung ; 



PART II.— CANTO I. 117 

That have the hard fate to write best 625 

Of those still that deserve it least ; 

It matters not how false or forc'd, 

So the best things be said o' th' worst : 

It goes for nothing when 'tis said ; 

Only the arrow's drawn to th' head, 630 

"Whether it be a swan or goose 

They level at : so shepherds use 

To set the same mark on the hip 

Both of their sound and rotten sheep : 

For wits, that carry low or wide, 635 

Must be aim'd higher, or beside 

The mark, which else they ne'er come nigh. 

But when they take their aim awry. 

But I do wonder you should choose 

This way t' attack me with your Muse, 640 

As one cut out to pass your tricks on, 

With fulhams of poetic fiction; 

I rather hop'd I should no more 

Hear from you o' th' gallanting score : 

For hard dry-bastings us'd to prove 645 

The readiest remedies of love ; 

Next a dry-diet ; but if those fail, 

Yet this uneasy loop-holM jail, 

In which y' are hamper'd by the fetlock, 

Cannot but put y' in mind of wedlock : 650 

Wedlock, that's worse than any hole here, 

If that may serve you for a cooler ; 

T' allay your mettle, all agog 

Upon a wife, the heavier clog : 

Nor rather thank your gentler fate, 655 

That for a bruis'd or broken pate 

Has freed you from those knobs that grow 

Much harder on the marry 'd brow ; 

But if no dread can cool your courage, 

From venturing on that dragon, marriage, 6G0 

let give me quarter, and advance 

lo nobler aims your puissance : 

Level at beauty and at wit ; 

The fairest mark is easiest hit. 

Quoth Hudibras, I'm beforehand 665 

In tJiat already, with your command ; 



118 HUDIBRAS. 

For where does beauty and high wit 
But, in your constellation meet ? 

Quoth she, What does a match imply, 
But likeness and equality? 670 

I know you cannot think me fit 
To be th' yoke-fellow of your wit ; 
Nor take one of so mean deserts, 
To be the partner of your parts ; 
A grace, which, if I cou'd believe, 675 

I've not the conscience to receive. 

That conscience, quoth Hudibras, 
Is misinform'd : Fll state the case : 
A man may be a legal donor 
Of any thing whereof he's owner, 680 

And may confer it where he lists, 
1' til' judgment of all casuists ; 
Then wit, and parts, and valour, may 
Be aii'nated, and made away, 
By those that are proprietors, 685 

As I may give or sell my horse. 

Quoth she, I grant the case is true. 
And proper 'twixt your horse and you ; 
But whether I may take as well 
As you may give away or sell ? 690 

Buyers, you know, are bid beware ; 
And worse than thieves receivers are. 
How shall I answer hue and cry, _. 
For a roan-gelding, twelve hand& high, 
All spurr'd and switched, a lock on 's hoof, 695 
A sorrel mane? Can I bring proof 
Where, when, by whom, and what y' were sold 
And in the open market toird for ?, [for, 

Or should I take you for a stray, 
You must be kept a year and day 700 

(Ere I can own you) here i' th' pound, 
Where, if y' are sought, you may 'be found : 
And in the meantime 1 must pay 
For all your provender and hay. 

Quotli he, It stands me much upon 705 

T' enervate this objection, 
And prove myself, by topic clear, 
No gelding, as you would infer. 



PART II.— CANTO I. 119 

Loss of virility's averr'd 

To be the cause of loss of beard, 710 

That does (like embryo in the womb) 

Abortive on the chin become. 

This first a womari did invent, 

In envy of man's ornament; 

Semiramis of Babylon, 715 

Who first of all cut men o' th' stone. 

To mar their beards, and lay foundation 

Of sow-geldering operation. 

Look on this beard, and tell me whether 

Eunuchs wear such, or geldings either ? 720 

Next it appears I am no horse ; 

That I can argue and discourse ; 

Have but two legs, and ne'er a tail. 

Quoth she, That nothing will avail ; 
For some philosophers of late here, 725 

Write men have four legs by nature, 
And that 'tis custom makes them go 
Erron'ously upon but two ; 
As 'twas in Germany made good 
B' a boy that lost himself in a wood, 730 

And growing down t' a man, was wont 
NVith wolves upon all four to hunt. 
As for your reasons drawn from tails, 
We cannot say they're true or false. 
Till you explain yourself, and shew, 735 

W experiment, 'tis so or no. 

Quoth he. If you'll join issue on't, 
rU give you sati^actory account; 
So yoa will promise, if you lose. 
To settle ail, and be my spouse. 740 

715. Semiramis, queen of A sjiyria, is said to be the 
first that invented eunuche. ' Semiraniis teneros mares 
castravit omiiiiun prima' Am. Marcel 1. 34. p. 12. 
Which is something strange in a lady of her constitu- 
tion, who is said to have received horses into her em- 
braces; but that, perhaps, may be the reason why she 
afterwards thought men not worth the while. 

725. Sir K. D in his Book of Bodies, who has this 
story of the German Boy, which he endeavours lo make 
good by several natural reasons ; by which tiiose who 
have the dexterity to beheve what they pleabe may be 
«ully 6aliafied of the probability of it. 



120 HUDIBRAS. 

That never shall be done (quoth she) 
To one that wants a tail, by me : 
For tails by nature sure were meant, 
As well as beards for ornament : 
And though the vulgar count them homely, 745 
In men or beast they are so comely, 
So jantee, alamode, and handsome, 
I'll never marry man that wants one ; 
And till you can demonstrate plain, 
You have one equal to your mane, 759 

I'll be torn piecemeal by a horse. 
Ere ril take you for better or worse. 
The Prince of Cambay's daily food 
Is asp, and basilisk, and toad. 
Which makes him have so strong a breath, 755 
Each night he stinks a queen to death ; 
Yet I shall rather lie in 's arms 
Than yours, on any other terms. 

Quoth he, What nature can afford 
I shall produce, upon my word ; 760 

And if she ever gave that boon 
To man, I'll prove that I have one ; 
I mean by postulate illation, 
When you shall offer just occasion : 
But since y' have yet deny'd to give 765 

My heart, your pris'ner, a reprieve, 
But make it sink down to my heel. 
Let that at least your pity feel ; 
And, for the sufferings of your martyr. 
Give its poor entertainer quarter ; 770 

And, by discharge or mainprize, grant 
Deliv'ry from this base restraint. 

Quoth she, I grieve to see your leg 
Stuck in a hole here like a peg ; 
A nd if I knew which way to do't, 775 

(Your honour safe) I'd let you out. 
That dames by jail delivery 
Of errant-knights have been set free,' 
When by enchantment they have been, 
And sometimes for it, too, laid in, 780 

Is that whicli kniglits are bound to do 
By order, oath, and honour too : 



PART IL— CANTO I. 121 

For what are they rcnown'd and famous else, 
But aiding of distressed damosels? 
But for a lady, no ways errant, 785 

To free a knight, we have no warrant 
In any autlientical romance, 
Or classic author yet of France ; 
And I'd be loth to have you break 
An ancient custom for a freak, 790 

Or innovation introduce 
In place of things of antique use, 
To free your heels by any course. 
That might b' unwholesome to your spurs ; 
Which, if I should consent unto, 795 

It is not in my powV to do; 
For 'tis a service must be done ye 
With solemn previous ceremony, 
Which always has been us'd t' untie 
Tlie charms of those who here do lie : 800 

For as the ancients heretofore 
To Honour's temple had no door 
But that which through Virtue's lay, 
So from this dungeon there's no way 
To honour'd freedom, but by passing 905 

That other virtuous school of lashing, 
Where knights are kept in narrow lists, 
With wooden lockets 'bout their wrists ; 
In which they for a while are tenants, 
And for their ladies suffer penance : 810 

Whipping, that's Virtue's governess, 
Tut'ress of arts and sciences ; 
That mends the gross mistakes of Nature, 
And puts new life into dull matter ; 
That lays foundation for renown, 815 

And all the honours of the gown. 
This suffer'd, they are set at large, 
And freed with hon'rable discharge. 
Then in their robes the penitentials 
Are straight presented with credentials, 820 
And in their way attended on 
By magistrates of ev'ry town : 
And, all respect and charges paid, 
They're to their ancient seats convey'd. 
G 



122 HUDIBRAS. 

Now if you'll venture, for my sake, 825 

To try the touglmess of your back, 

And suffer (as the rest have done) 

The laying of a whipping on 

(And may you prosper in your suit, 

As you with equal vigour do't,) 830 

I here engage myself to loose ye, 

And free your heels from Caperdewsie. 

But since our sex's modesty 

Will not allow I should be by, 

Bring me, on oath, a fair account, 835 

And honour too, when you have done't. 

And I'll admit you to the place 

You claim as due in my good grace. 

If matrimony and hanging go 

By dest'ny, why not whipping too ? 840 

What med'cine else can cure the fits 

Of lovers when they lose their wits ? 

Love is a boy by poets styl'd ; 

Then spare the rod, and spoil the child. 

A Persian emperor whipp'd his grannara, 845 

The sea, his mother Venus came on ; 

And hence some rev'rend men approve 

Of rosemary in making love. 

As skilful coopers hoop their tubs 

With Lydian and with Phrygian dubs, 850 

Why may not whipping have as good 

A grace ? perform'd in time and mood, 

With comely movement, and by art, 

liaise passion in a lady's heart? 

It is an easier way to make 855 

Love by, than that which many take. 

Who would not rather suffer v/hipping, 

Than swallow toasts of bits of ribbon? 

Make wicked verses, treats, and faces, 

And spell names over with beer-glasses ; 860 

Be under vows to hang and die 

Love's sacrifice, and all a lie ? 

With China-oranges, and tarts, 

And whining plays, lay baits for hearts ? 

845. Xerxes, who used to whip the seas and wind. 
' In eorum atque Eurum solitus saevire flagellis.' Juv 
Sat. 10. 



PART II.— CANTO *!. 123 

Bribe chamber-maids, with love and money, 865 

To break no roguish jests upon ye? 

For hUes hmnM on cheeks, and roses, 

With painted perfumes, hazard noses? 

Or, venturing to be brisk and wanton, 

Do penance in a paper lantern ? 870 

AU tliis you may compound for now, 

By suffering what I offer you ; 

Which is no more than has been done 

By knights for ladies long agone. 

Did not the great La Mancha do so 875 

For the Infanta del Toboso ? 

Did not til' illustrious Bassa make 

Himself a slave for Miss's sake ? 

And witli bull's pizzle, for her love, 

Was taw'd as gentle as a glove ? 880 

Was not young Florio sent (to cool 

His flame for Biancaliore) to school, 

Where' pedant made his pathic bum 

For her sake suffer martyrdom ? 

Did not a certain lady whip 885 

Of late her husband's own lordship? 

And though a grandee of the house, 

Claw'd him with fundamental blows ; 

TyM him stark naked to a bed-post, 

And firkM his hide, as if sh' had rid post ; 890 

And after in the sessions-court, 

Where whipping's judg'd, had honour for't ; 

This swear you will perform and then 

rU set you from the enchanted den. 

And the magician's circle clear. 895 

Quoth he, I do profess and swear, 
And will perform what you enjoin. 
Or may I never see you mine. 

Amen (quoth she ;) then turn'd about, 
And bid her Squire let him out, 900 

But ere an artist could be foimd 
T' undo the charms another bound, 
The sun grew low, and left the skies. 
Put down (some write) by ladies' eyes. 
The moon puU'd off her veil of light, 905 

That hides her face by day from sight 



124 . HUDIBRAS. 

(Mysterious veil, of brightness made, 

That's both her lustre and her shade,) 

And in the lantern of the nio-ht 

With shining horns hung out her light ; 910 

For darkness is the proper sphere, 

Where all false glories use t' appear. 

The twinkling stars began to muster, 

And glitter with their borrow'd lustre, 

While sleep the wearyM world relievM, 915 

By counterfeiting death reviv'd. 

His whipping penance till the morn 

Our vot'ry thouglit it best t' adjourn, 

And not to carry on a work 

Of such importance in the dark, 920 

With erring haste, but rather stay, 

And do't in the open face of day ; 

And in the mean time go in quest 

Of next retreat to take his rest. 



CANTO II. 

The Knight and Squire, in liot dispute, 

Within an ace of tailing out, 

Are parted with a sudden fright 

Of strange alarm, and stranger sight; 

With which adventuring to stickle, 

They're sent away in nasty pickle. 

'Tis strange how some men's tempers sui. 

(Like bawd and brandy) with dispute. 

That for their own opinions stand fast 

Only to have them claw'd and canvast; 

That keep their consciences in cases, 5 

As fiddlers do their crowds and bases. 

Ne'er to be us'd but when they're bent 

To play a fit for argument ; 

Make true and false, unjust and just, 

Of no use but to be discust ; IG 

Dispute, and set a paradox 

Like a strait boot upon the stocks. 

And stretch it more unmercifully 

Than Helmont, Montaigne, While, or Tnlly, 



FART H.—CAiNTO II. 125 

So til' ancient Stoics, in their porch, 15 

With fierce dispute maintained their church ; 

Beat out their brains in fight and study, 

To prove that virtue is a body ; 

That bonum is ah animal, 

Made good with stout polemic brawl ; 20 

In which some hundreds on the place 

Were slain outright ; and many a face 

Retrenched of nose, and eyes, and beard. 

To maintain what their sect averr'd. 

All which the Knight and Squire, in wrath, 25 

Had like V have suffered for their faith ; 

Each striving to make good his own, 

As by the sequel shall be shown. 

The sun had long since, in the lap 
Of Thetis, taken out his nap, 30 

And, hke a lobster boifd, the morn 
From black to red began to turn, 
When Hudibras, whom tlioughts and aking 
'Twixt sleeping kept all night and waking, 
Began to rub his drowsy eyes, 35 

And from his couch prepar'd to rise. 
Resolving to dispatch the deed 
He vow'd to do with trusty speed : 
But first, with knocking loud, and bawling, 
He rous'd the Squire, in truckle lolling : 40 
And, after many circumstances. 
Which vulgar authors, in romances. 
Do use to spend their time and wits on, 
To make impertinent description. 
They got (with much ado) to horse, 45 

And to the castle bent their course. 
In which he to the dame before 
To suffer whipping duly swore ; 

15. ' [n porticu (Stoicorum Schola Athenis) discipu- 
lorum sedilionibus mille quadringenti triginta cives in- 
terfecti sunt.' Diog. Laert. in vita Zenonis, p. 383. 
Those old virtuosos were betler proficients in these ex- 
ercises than modern, who seldom improve higher than 
cuffing and kicking. 

19. Bonum issuch akindof animal as ourmodern vir- 
tuosi from Don Quixote will have windmills, under sail, 
to be. The same authors are of opinion, that all ships are 
fishes while they are afloat ; but when they are run on 
ground, or laid up in the dock, becoTiie ships again. 



126 HUDIBRAS. 

Where now arrived, and Iialf unhamest, 

To carry on the work in earnest, 50 

lie sto[)|)'d, and paus'd upon the sudden, 

And with a serious forehead plodding, 

Sprung a new scruple in his head, 

Whicli first he scratches and after said — 

AVIiether it be direct infringing 55 

An oath, if I should wave this swingeing, 

And what I've sworn to bear, forbear, 

And so b' equivocation swear. 

Or whether it be a lesser sin 

To be forsworn than act the thing, 60 

Are deep and subtle points, which must, 

T' inform my conscience, be discust; 

}n which to err a little may 

To errors infinite make way : 

And therefore I desire to know 65 

Thy judgment ere we farther go. 

Quoth Ralpho, Since you do enjoin't, 
I shall enlarge upon the point ; 
And, for my own part, do not doubt 
Th' affirmative may be made out. 70 

l>ut first, to state the case aright, 
For best advantage of our Hght, 
And thus 'tis : Whether 't be a sin 
To claw and curry your own skin. 
Greater or less, than to forbear, T5 

And that you are forsworn, forswear. 
But first, o' th' first : The inward man, 
And outward, like a clan and clan. 
Have always been at daggers-drawing. 
And one another clapper-clawing. 80 

Not that they really cuflt", or fence. 
But in a spiritual mystic sense ; 
Which to mistake, and make 'em squabble, 
In literal fray 's abominable. 
"'Tis heathenish, in frequent use 85 

With Pagans and apostate Jews, 
To offer sacrifice of bridewells. 
Like modern Indians to their idols ; 
And mongrel Christians of our times. 
That expiate less with greater crimes, 90 



PART II.— CANTO II. 127 

And call the foul abomination 

Contrition and mortification. 

Is 't not enougli we're bruis'd and kicked 

With .sinful members of the wicked ; 

Our vessels, that are sanctify Vl, 95 

Profan'd and curry 'd back and side ; 

But we must claw ourselves with shameful 

And heathen stripes, by their example ; 

Which (were there nothing to forbid it) 

Is impious, because they did it : 100 

This, therefore, may be justly reckoned 

A heinous sin. Now to the second : 

That saints may claim a dispensation 

To swear and forswear, on occasion, 

I doubt not but it will appear 105 

With pregnant light : the point is clear. 

Oaths are but words, and words but wind ; 

Too feeble implements to bind ; 

And hold with deeds proportion so 

As shadows to a substance do. 110 

Then when they strive for place, 'tis fit 

The weaker vessel should submit. 

Although your church be opposite 

To ours as Black Friars are to White, 

In rule and order, yet I grant, 115 

You are a Reformado Saint ; 

And what the saints do claim as due, 

You may pretend a title to : 

But saints whom oaths and vows oblige, 

Know little of their privilege ; 120 

Farther (I mean) than carrying on 

Some self-advantage of their own ; 

For if the dev'l, to serve his turn, 

Can tell truth, why the saints should scorn, 

When it serves theirs, to swear and lie, 125 

I think there's little reason why : 

Else h' has a greater power than they, 

Which 'twere impiety to say. 

W are not commanded to forbear 

Indefinitely at all to swear ; 130 

But to swear idly, and in vain, 

Without self-interest or gain : 



m HUDIBIIAS. 

For breakincp of an oalh, and lying, 

Is but a kind of self-denying; 

A saint-like virtue : and from hence 135 

Some have broke oaths by Providence ; 

Some, to the glory of tlie Lord, 

Perjur'd themselves, and broke their word ; 

And this the constant rule and practice 

Of all our late Apostles'' acts is. 140 

Was not the cause at first begun 

With perjury, and carried on? 

Was there an oath the godly took, 

But in due time and place they broke ? 

Did we not bring our oaths in first, 145 

Before our plate, to liave them burst, 

And cast in fitter models for 

The present use of church and war? 

Did not our worthies of the house, 

Before they broke the peace, break vows ? 150 

For having freed us first from both 

Th' allegiance and supremacy oath. 

Did they not next compel the nation 

To take and break the protestation ? 

To swear, and after to recant 155 

The solemn league and covenant? 

To take th' engagement, and disclaim it, 

Enforc'd by those who first did frame it ? 

Did they not swear, at first, to fight 

For the king's safety and his right, 160 

And after march'd to find him out, 

And chargM him home with horse and foot ; 

But yet still had the confidence 

To swear it was in his defence . 

Did they not swear to live and die 165 

With Essex, and straight laid him by ? 

If that were all, for some have swore 

As false as they, if th' did no more. 

Did they not swear to maintain law, 

In which that swearing made a flaw ? 170 

For Protestant religion vow. 

That did that vowing disallow ? 

For privilege of Parliament, 

In which that swearing made a rent '* 



PART II.— CANTO IT. 129 

And since, of all the three, not one 175 

Is left in being, 'tis well known. 
Did they not swear, in express words, 
To prop and back the House of Lords, 
And after turned out the whole house-full 
Of peers, as dangerous and unuseful.'' 180 

So Cromwell, with deep oaths and vows, 
Swore all the Cgmmons out o' th' House ; 
VowM that the red-coats would disband, 
A}', marry wouVl they, at their command ; 
And troird them on, and swore, and swore, 185 
Till th' army turned them out of door. 
This tells us plainly what they thought, 
That oaths and swearing go for nought, 
And that by them th' were only meant 
To serve for an expedient. 190 

What was the public faith found out for. 
But to slur men of what they fought for ? 
The public faith, which ev'ry one 
Is bound t' observe, yet kept by none ; 
And if that go for nothing, why 195 

Should private faith have such a tie ? 
Oaths were not purposed, more than law, 
To keep the good and just in awe, 
But to confine the bad aiid sinful, 
Like moral cattle, in a pinfold. 300 

A saint 's of th' heav'nly realm a peer ; 
And as no peer is bound to swear, 
But on the gospel of his honour, 
Of which he may dispose as owner 
It follows, though the thing be forgery, 205 
And false, t' affirm it is no perjury, 
But a mere ceremony, and a breach 
Of nothing, but a form of speech ; 
And goes for no more when 'tis took, 
Than mere saluting of the book. 210 

Suppose the Scriptures are of force. 
They're but commissions of course, 
And saints have freedom to digress. 
And vary from 'em, as they please; 
Or misinterpret them, by private 215 

Instructions, to all aims they drive at. 
C f2 



130 HUDIBRAS. 

Then why shovild we ourselves abridge 

And curtail our own privilege .'' 

Quakers (that, like to lanterns, bear 

Their lio-ht within 'em) will not sv»?^ear : 220 

Their o-ospel is an accidence, 

By which they construe conscience, 

And hold no sin so deeply red. 

As that of breaking Priscian's head 

(The head and founder of their order, 225 

That stirring hats held worse than murder) ; 

These thinking th' are obliged to troth 

In swearing, will not take an oath : 

Like mules, who, if tir have not their will 

To keep their own pace, stand stock-still : 230 

But they are weak, and little know 

What free-born consciences may do. 

'Tis the temptation of the devil 

That makes all human actions evil: 

For saints may do the same things by 235 

The Spirit, in sincerity, 

Which other men are tempted to, 

And at the devil'^ instance do ; 

And yet the actions be contrary. 

Just as the saints and wicked vary. 240 

For as on land there is no beast 

But in some fish at sea 's exprest, 

So in the wicked there's no vice 

Of which the saints have not a spice ; 

And yet that thing that's pious in 245 

The one, in th' other is a sin. 

Is't not ridiculous, and nonsense, 

A saint should be a slave to conscience, 

That ought to be above such fancies, 

As far as above ordinances? 250 

She's of the wicked, as I guess, 

B' her looks, her language, and her dress : 

And though, like constables, we search, 

For false wares, one another's church, 

Yet all of us hold this for true, 255 

No faith is to the wicked due : 

For truth is precious and divine ; 

Too rich a pearl for carnal swine. 



PART II.-CANTO II. 131 

Quoth Hudibras, All this is true ; 
Yet 'tis not fit that all men knew 260 

Those mysteries and revelations ; 
And therefore topical evasions 
Of subtle turns and shifts of sense 
Serve best with th' wicked for pretence ; 
Such as the learned Jesuits use, 265 

And Presbyterians, for excuse 
Against the Protestants, when th' happen 
To find their churches taken napping ; 
As thus : A breach of oath is duple, 
And either way admits a scruple, 270 

And may be ex parte of the maker. 
More criminal than the injur'd taker ; 
For he that strains too far a vow, 
Will break it, hke an o'er-bent bow : 
And he that made, and forc'd it, broke it, 275 
Not he that for convenience took it. 
A broken oath is, quatenus oath. 
As sound t' all purposes of troth. 
As broken laws are ne'er the worse ; 
Nay, till th' are broken have no force. 280 

What's justice to a man, or laws. 
That never comes within their claws? 
They have no pow'r, but to admonish ; 
Cannot control, coerce, or punish ; 
Until they're broken, and then touch 285 

Those only that do make 'em such. 
Beside, no engagement is allow'd 
By men in prison made for good ; 
For when they're set at liberty. 
They're from th' engagement too set free. 290 
The rabbins write, when any Jew 
Did make to God or man, a vow, 
Which afterward he found untoward, 
And stubborn to be kept, or too hard, 
Any three other Jews o' th' nation 295 

Mi w-ht free him from the obligation ; 
And have not two saints pow'r to use 
A greater privilege than three Jews ? 
The court of conscience, which in man 
Should be supreme and sovereign, 300 



133 HUDIBRAS. 

Is't fit should be subordinate 

To ev'ry petty court i' th' state, 

And have less power than the lesser, 

To deal with perjury at pleasure ; 

Have its proceedings disallow'd, or 305 

Allowed, at fancy of Pye-Powder ? 

Tell all it does, or does not know. 

For swearing ex-officio ? 

Be forc'd t' impeach a broken hedge, 

And pigs unring'd at Vis. Franc, Pledge? 310 

Discover thieves, and bawds, recusants, 

Priests, witches, eves-droppers, and nuisance ; 

Tell who did play at games unlawful. 

And who fiU'd pots of ale but half full; 

And have no pow'r at all, no shift, 315, 

To help itself at a dead lift ? 

Why should not conscience have vacation 

As well as other courts o' th' nation ; 

Have equal power to adjourn. 

Appoint appearance and return : 320 

And make as nice distinction servo 

To split a case, as those that carve. 

Invoking cuckolds' names, hit joints ? 

Why should not tricks as slight do points ? 

Is not th' High-Court of Justice sworn 325 

To judge that law that serves their turn? 

Make their own jealousies high treason, 

And fix 'em whomsoe'er they please on? 

Cannot the learned counsel there 

Make laws in any shape appear ? 330 

Mould 'em as witches do their clay. 

When they make pictures to destroy, 

And vex 'em into any form 

That fits their purpose to do harm ? 

Rack 'em until they do confess, 335 

Impeach of treason whom they please, 

And most perfidiously condemn 

Those that engag'd their lives for them ? 

And yet do nothing in their own sense. 

But what they ought by oath and conscience. 

Can they not juggle, and with slight 341 

Conveyance, play with wrong and right • 



PART IL— CANTO II. 13S 

And sell their blasts of wind as dear 

As Lapland witches bottled air ? 

Will not fear, favour, bribe, and grudge, 345 

The same case several ways adjudge ? 

As seamen with the self-same gale, 

Will sev'ral diff'rent courses sail. 

As when the sea breaks o'er its bounds, 

And overflows the level grounds, 350 

Those banks and dams, that, like a screen, 

Did keep it out, now keep it in ; 

So when tyrannic usurpation 

Invades the freedom of a nation. 

The laws o' th' land, that were intended 355 

To keep it out, are made defend it. 

Does not in Chanc'ry evVy man swear 

What makes best for him in his answer ? 

Is not the winding up witnesses 

And nicking more than half the bus'ness ? 360 

For witnesses, like watches, go 

Just as they're set, too fast or slow ; 

And where in conscience they're strait-Iac'd, 

'Tis ten to one that side is cast. 

Do not your juries give their verdict 365 

As if they felt the cause, not heard it r 

And as they please, make matter o' fact 

Run all on one side, as they're packt ? 

Nature has made man's breast no windores, 

To publish wliat he does within doors, 370 

Nor what dark secrets there inhabit, 

Unless his own rash fury blab it. 

If oaths can do a man no good 

In his own bus'ness, why they should 

In other matters do him hurt, 375 

I think there's little reason for't. 

Pie that imposes an oath makes it, 

Not he that for convenience takes it : 

Then how can any man be said 

To break an oath he never made ? 380^ 

These reasons may, perhaps, look oddly 

To the wicked, though th' evince the godly;. 

But if they will not serve to clear 

My honour, I am ne'er the near. 



134 HUDIBRAS. 

Honour is like that glassy bubble 385 

That finds philosophers such trouble, 
Whose least part crack'd, the whole does fly, 
And wits are cracked to find out why. 

Quoth Ralpho, Honour's but a word 
To swear by only in a lord : 390 

In other men, 'tis but a huff 
To vapour with, instead of proof ; 
That, like a wen, looks big and swells, 
Is senseless, and just nothing else. 

Let it (quoth he) be what it will, 395 

It has the world's opinion still. 
But as men are not wise that run 
The slightest hazards they may shun, 
There may a medium be found out 
To clear to all the world the doubt ; 400 

And that is, if a man may do't, 
By proxy whipt, or substitute. 

Though nice and dark the point appear 
(Quoth Ralph,) it may hold up and clear. 
That sinners may supply the place 405 

Of suff ring saints is a plain case. 
.Justice gives sentence many times 
On one man for another's crimes. 

Our brethren of New England use 
Choice malefactors to excuse, 410 

And hang the guiltless in their stead. 
Of whom the churches have less need; 
As lately 't happened : In a town 
Tliere liv'd a cobbler, and but one, 
That out of doctrine could cut use, 415 

And mend men's lives as well as shoes. 
This precious brother having slain, 
In time of peace, an Indian 
(Not out of malice, but mere zeal, 
Because he was an infidel,) 420 

The mighty Tottipottymoy 
Sent to our elders an envoy, 
Complaining sorely of tlie breach 
Of league held forth by brother Patch 

413. Tlie history of tlie cobbler had been auested by 
persons of good credit, who were upon the place when 
it was done. 



Ji 



PART II.— CANTO II. 135 

Against the articles in force 425 

Between both churches, his and ours ; 

For which he cravM the saints to render 

Into his hands or hang th' offender : 

But they maturely having weigh'd 

They had no more but him o' th' trade, 430 

(A man that served them in a double 

Capacity, to teach and cobble), 

Resolved to spare him ; yet, to do 

The Indian Hoghgan Moghgan too 

Impartial justice, in his stead did 435 

Hang an old weaver, that was bed-rid. 

Then wherefore may not you be skipp'd, 

And in your room another whipp'd? 

t'or all philosophers, but the sceptic, 

Hold whipping may be sympathetic. 440 

It is enough, quoth Hudibras, ,. 
Thou hast resolv'd and cleared the case ; 
And canst, in conscience, not refuse 
From thy own doctrine to raise use. 
I know thou wilt not (for my sake) 445 

Be tender conscienc'd of thy back : 
Then strip thee of thy carnal jerkin, 
And give thy outward-fellow a ferking ; 
For when thy vessel is new hoopM, 
All leaks of sinning will be stopp'd. 450 

Quoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter ; 
For in all scruples of this nature. 
No man includes himself, nor turns 
The point upon his own concerns. 
As no man of his own self catches 455 

The itch, or amorous French aches ; 
So no man does himself convince, 
By his own doctrine, of his sins : 
And though all cry down self, none means 
His own self in a literal sense. 460 

Beside, it is not only foppish, 
But vile, idolatrous and popish, 
For one man, out of his own skin, 
To ferk and whip another's sin ; 
As pedants out of school-boys' breeches 465 
Do claw and curry their own itches. 



136 HUDIBRAS. 

But in this case it is profane, 

And sinful too, because in vain : 

For we must take our oaths upon it, 

You did the deed, when I have done it, 470 

Quoth Hudibras, Thafs answered soon : 
Give us the whip, we'll lay it on. 

Quoth Ralpho, That we may swear true, 
'Tvvere properer that I whipp'd you : 
For when with your consent 'tis done, 475 

The act is really your own. 

Quoth Hudibras, It is in vain 
(I see) to argue 'gainst the grain ; 
Or, like the stars, incline men to 
What they're averse themselves to do : 480 
For when disputes are weary'd out, 
'Tis interest still resolves the doubt : 
But since no reason can confute ye, 
I'll try to force you to your duty ; 
For so it is, howe'er you mince it, 485 

As, ere we part, I shall evince it. 
And curry (if you stand out) whether 
You will or no, your stubborn leather. 
Canst thou refuse to bear thy part 
I' th' public work, base as thou art.-' 490 

To higgle thus for a few blows. 
To gain thy knight an op'lent spouse, 
Whose wealth his bowels yearn to purchase, 
Merely for th' interest of the churches ? 
And when he has it in his claws 495 

Will not be hide-bound to the cause : 
Nor shalt thou find him a curmudgeon. 
If thou dispatch it without grudging : 
If not, resolve, before we go. 
That you and I must pull a crow. 500 

Y' had best, (quoth Ralpho) as the ancients 
Say wisely, have a care o' th' main chance, 
And look before you ere you leap ; 
For as you sow, y' are like to reap : 
And were y' as good as George-a-Green, 505 
I shall make bold to turn agen : 
Nor am I doubtful of the issue 
In a just quarrel, and mine is so. 



PART II.— CANTO K. 137 

Is 't filling for a man of honour 

To whip The saints, hke Bishop Bonner ? 510 

A Knight t' usurp tiie beadle's office, 

For whicli y' are hke to raise brave trophies? 

But I advise you (not for fear,' 

But for your own sake) to forbear ; 

And for the churches, wJiich may chance, 515 

From lience, to spring a variance, 

And raise among themselves new scruples, 

Whom common danger hardly couples. 

Remember how, in arms and politics, 

V/e still have worsted all your holy tricks ; 520 

Trepanned your party with intrigue, 

And took your grandees down a peg; 

New modell'd th'' armv, and cashiered 

All that to legion SMEC adhered ; 

Made a mere utensil o' your church, 525 

And after left it in the lurch ; 

A scaffold to build up our own, 

And, when w' had done with't, pulfd it down ; 

Capoch'd your rabbins of the synod, 

And snapp'd their canons with a why-not? 530 

(Grave synod men, that were reverVl 

For solid face, and depth of beard ;) 

Their classic model prov'd a maggot, 

Their direct'ry an Indian Paged ; 

And drown'd their discipline like a kitten, 535 

On which they'd been so long a sitting ; 

Decry 'd it as a holy cheat, 

Grown out of date, and obsolete ; 

And all the saints of the first grass, 

As castling foals of Balaam's ass. 540 

At this the Knight grew high in chafe, 
And staring furiously on Ralph, 
He trembled, and look'd pale v/ith ire ; 
Like ashes first, then red as fire. 
Have I (quoth he) been ta'en in fight, 545 

And for so many moons lain by't. 
And, when all other means did fail, 
Have been exchanged for tubs of ale ? 

548. The Knight was kept prisoner in Exeter, and, 
after several exchanges proposed, but none accepted of 



138 HUDIBRAS. 

Not but they thought me worth a ransom 

Much more considerable and handsome, 550 

But for their own sakes, and for fear 

They were not safe when I was there ; 

Now to be baffled by a scoundrel, 

An upstart sectVy, and a mongrel, 

Such as breed out of peccant humours 555 

Of our own church, like wens or tumours, 

And, like a maggot in a sore, 

Would that which gave it life devour ; 

It never shall be done or said : 

With that he seiz'd upon his blade ; 560 

And Ralpho too, as quick and bold, 

Upon his basket-hilt laid hold, 

With equal readiness prepared 

To draw, and stand upon his guard ; 

When both were parted on the sudden, 565 

With hideous clamour, and a loud one. 

As if all sorts of noise had been 

Contracted into one loud din ; 

Or that some member to be chosen 

Had got the odds above a thousand, 570 

And, by the greatness of his noise, 

Prov'd fittest for his country's choice. 

This strange surprisal put the Knight 

And wrathful Squire into a fright ; 

And though they stood prepar'd, with fatal 575 

Impetuous rancour to join battle, 

Both thought it was the wisest course 

To wave the fight and mount to horse, 

And to secure, by swift retreating. 

Themselves from danger of worse beating. 580 

Yet neither of them would disparage, 

By utt'ring of his mind, his courage ; 

Which made them stoutly keep their ground. 

With horror and disdain wind-bound. 

And now the cause of all their fear 585 

By slow degrees approached so near, 
They might distinguish different noise 
Of horns, and pans, and dogs, and boys, 

was at last released for a barrel of ale, as he often used 
to declare. 



PART II.— CANTO II. 139 

And kettle-drums, whose sullen dub 

Sounds like the hoopmg of a tub. 590 

But when the sight appeared in view, 

They found it was an antique show ; 

A triumph, that, for pomp and state, 

Did proudest Romans emulate : 

For as the aldermen of Rome 595 

Their foes at training overcome, 

And not enlarging territory 

(As some mistaken write in story), 

Being mounted, in their best array, 

Upon a car, and who but they ! 600 

And follow'd with a world of tall-lads. 

That merry ditties trolFd, and ballads. 

Did ride with many a good-morrow, [borough ; 

Crying, ' Hey for our town!' through the 

^o when this triumph drew so nigh 605 

They miglit particulars descry, 

They never saw two things so pat, 

In all respects, as this and that. 

First he that led the cavalcate 

Wore a sow-gelder's flagellate, 610 

On which he blew as strong a level 

As well-fee'd lawyer on his breviate, 

When over one another's heads 

Tliey charge (three ranks at once) like Swedes. 

Next pans and kettles of all keys, 615 

From trebles down to double base ; 

And after them, upon a nag, 

Tiiat might pass for a forehand stag, 

A cornet rode, and on his staff 

A smock displayed did proudly wave. 620 

Then bagpipes of the loudest drones, 

With snuffling broken- winded tones. 

Whose blasts of air, in pockets shut, 

Sound filthier than from the gut, 

And make a viler noise than swine 625 

In windy weather, when they whine. 

Next one upon a pair of panniers, 

Full fraught with that which for good manners 

Shall here be nameless, mixt with grains, 

Which he dispens'd among the swains, 630 



140 HUDIBRAS. 

And busily upon the crowd 

At random round about bestowed. 

Then, mounted on a horned horse, 

One bore a gauntlet and gWi spurs, 

Ty'd to the pummel of a long sword 635 

He Jield reverst, the point tum'd downward. 

Next after, on a raw-bou'd steed, 

The conqueror's standard-bearer rid, 

And bore aloft before the champion 

A petticoat displayed, and rampant; 640 

Near whom the Amazon triumphant 

Bestrid her beast, and on the rump on't 

Sat face to tail, and bum to bum, 

The warrior whilom overcome, 

Arm'd with a spindle and a distaff, 645 

Which, as he rode, she made him twist off; 

And when he loiterM, o'er her shoulder 

Chastis'd the reformado soldier. 

Before the dame, and round about, 

March'd whifflers and staffiers on foot, 650 

With lackies, grooms, valets, and pages, 

In fit and proper equipages ; 

Of whom some torches bore, some links, 

Before the proud virago minx. 

That was both Madam and a Don, 655 

Like Nero's Sporus, or Pope Joan ; 

And at fit periods the whole rout 

Set up their throats with clamorous shout. 

The Knight, transported, and the Squire, 

Put up their weapons, and their ire ; 660 

And Hudibras, who us'd to ponder 

On such sights with judicious wonder. 

Could hold no longer to impart 

His animadversions, for his heart. 

Quoth he. In all my life, till now, 665 

I ne'er saw so profane a show. 
It is a Paganish invention, 
Which heathen writers often mention : 
And he who made it had read Goodwin, 
Or Ross, or Cselius Rhodogine, 670^ 

With all the Grecian Speeds and Stows, 
That best describe those ancient shows; 



PART II.— CANTO II. 141 

And has observ'd all fit decorums 

We find described by old historians : 

For as the Roman conqueror, 675 

That put an end to foreign war, 

Enfring the town in triumph fijr it, 

Bore a slave with him, in his chariot ; 

So this insulting female brave 

Carries behind lifer here a slave : 680 

And as the ancients long ago, 

When they in field defy'd the foe. 

Hung out their mantles della guerre, 

So her proud standard-bearer here 

Waves on his spear, in dreadful manner, 685 

A Tyrian petticoat for banner. 

Next links and torches, heretofore 

Still borne before the emperor : 

And as, in antique triumphs, eggs 

Were borne for mystical intrigues, 690 

There's one with truncheon, like a ladle, 

That carries eggs too, fresh or addle ; 

And still at random, as he goes, 

Among the rabble-rout bestows. 

Quoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter ; 695 
For all th' antiquity you smatter 
Is but a riding us'd of course. 
When the gray mare's the better horse ; 
When o'er the breeches greedy woman 
Fight to extend their vast dominion ; 700 

And in the cause impatient Grizel 
Has drubb'd her husband with bull's pizzle, 
And brought him under covert-baron, 
To turn her vassal with a murrain ; 
When wives their sexes shift, like hares, 705 
And ride their husbands like night-mares, 
And they, in mortal battle vanquish'd, 
Are of their charter disenfranchis'd, 

678. ' Et sibi consul 

Me placeat, curru servus portaUir codein. 

083. ' Tunica Coccinea solebat pridie quam dimican 
dum esset, supra pratorium poni, quasi admonitio, et 
indicium futurse pugnae.' Lipsius in Tacit, p. 56. 

687. Tliat the Roman emperors were wont to have 
torches borne before them (by day) in pubhc, appears 
by Herodian in Pertinace. Lips, in Tacit, p. 16. 



142 riUDIBRAS. 

And by the right of war, like gills, 
Condei'nn"'d to distaff, horns, and wheels : 710 
For when men by their wives are cowM, 
Their horns of course are understood. 

Quoth Hudibras, Thou still giv'st sentence 
I !n pertinently, and against sense. 
"Tis not the least disparagement 715 

To be defeated by th' event. 
Nor to be beaten by main force ; 
That does not make a man the worse, 
Although his shoulders with battoon 
Be claw'd and cudgelfd to some tune. 720 

A tailor's prentice has no hard 
Measure, thafs bang'd with a true yard : 
But to turn tail, or run away. 
And without blows give up the day, 
Or to surrender ere th' assault, 735 

That's no man's fortune, but his fault, 
And renders men of honour less 
Than all th' adversity of success ; 
And only unto such this show 
Of horns and petticoats is due. 730 

There is a lesser profanation, 
Like that the Romans calfd ovation : 
For as ovation was allow'd 
For conquest purchased without blood. 
So men decree these lesser shows 735 

For victory gotten without blows, 
By dint of sharp hard words, which some 
Give battle with, and overcome ; 
These, mounted in a chair-curule, 
Which moderns call a cucking-stool, 740 

March proudly to the river's side. 
And o'er the waves in triumph ride ; 
Like dukes of Venice, who are said 
Tlie Adriatic Sea to wed ; 
And have a gentler wife than those 745 

For whom the state decrees those shows. 
But both are heathenish, and come 
From th' whores of Babylon and Rome, 
And by the saints should be withstood, 
As Antichristian and lewd ; 750 



PART IL— CANTO II. 143 

And we as such, should now contribute 
Our utmost struggUngs to prohibit. 

This said, they both advanced, and rode 
A dog-trot through the bawhng crowd, 
T' attack the leader, and still prest, 755 

Till they approach'd him breast to breast : 
Then Hudibras, with face and hand, 
Made signs for silence ; which obtain'd, 
What means (quoth he) the devil's procession 
With men of orthodox profession ? 760 

'Tis ethnic and idolatrous, 
From heathenism derived to us. 
Does not the Whore of Babylon ride 
Upon her horned beast astride, 
Like this proud dame, who either is 765 

A type of her, or she of this ? 
Are things of superstitious function 
Fit to be us'd in gospel sun-shine? 
It is an Antichristian opera. 
Much us'd in midnight times of Popery, 770 
Of running after self-inventions 
Of wicked and profane intentions; 
To scandalize that sex for scolding, 
To whom the saints are so beholden. 
Women, who were our first apostles, 775 

Without whose aid we had been lost else ; 
Women, that left no stone unturned 
In which the cause might be concern'd ; 
Brought in their cluldren''s spoons and whistles, 
To purchase swords, carbines, and pistols; 780 
Their husbands, cullies, and sweet-hearts, 
To take the saints' and churches' parts ; 
Drew several gifted brethren in. 
That for the bishops would have been, 
And ^xM 'em constant to the party, 785 

^Vith motives powerful and hearty; 
Their husbands robb'd, and made hard shifts 
T' administer unto their gifts 
All they could rap, and rend and pilfer. 
To scraps and ends of gold and silver; 790 
Rubb'd down the teachers, tir d and spent 
With holding forlh i'oi Parliament : 



144 HUDIBRAS. 

Pamper'd and edify'd their zeal 

With marrow-puddings many a meal ; 

Enabled them, with store of meat, 795 

On controverted points to eat ; 

And cramm'd 'em, till their guts did ake, 

With cawdle, custard, and plum-cake : 

What have they done, or what left undone, 

That might advance the cause at London ? 800 

March'd rank and file, with drum and ensign, 

T' intrench the city for defence in ; 

Rais'd rampiers with their own soft hands, 

To put the enemy to stands ; 

From ladies down to oyster- wenches, 805 

Labour'd like pioneers in trenches ; 

Fell to their pick-axes, and tools. 

And help'd the men to dig like moles. 

Have not the handmaids of the city 

Chose of their members a committee, 810 

For raising of a common purse 

Out of their wages to raise horse? 

And do they not as triers sit, 

To judge what officers are fit ? 

Have they ? At that an egg let fly 815 

Hit him directly o'er the eye. 

And running down his cheek, besmear'd 

With orange-tawny slime his beard ; 

But beard and slime being of one hue, 

The wound the less appear'd in view. 820 

Then he that on the panniers rode. 

Let fly on tli' other side a load, 

And quickly charg'd again, gave fully 

In Ralpho's face another votley. 

The Knight was startled with the smell, 825 

And for his sword began to feel ; 

And Ralpho, smother'd with the stink, 

Grasp'd his ; when one that bore a link 

O' th' sudden clapp'd his flaming cudgel. 

Like linstock, to the horse's touch-hole ; 830 

And straight another with his flambeau, 

Gave Ralpho's o'er the eye a damn'd blow. 

The beasts began to kick and fling, 

And forcM tiie rout to make a ring. 



PART II.— CANTO II. 145 

Through whicli they quickly broke their way. 

And brought them off from further fray ; 

And though disordered in retreat, 

Each of them stoutly kept his seat: 

For, quitting both their swords and reins, 

They grasp'd with all their strength the manes. 

And, to avoid the foe's pursuit, 841 

With spurring put their cattle to't; 

And till all four were out of wind, 

And danger too, ne'er looked behind. 

After th' had paus'd a while, supplying 845 

Their spirits, spent with fight and flying. 

And Hudibras recruited force 

Of lungs, for action or discourse; 

Quoth he. That man is sure to lose 
That fouls his hands with dirty foes : 850 

For where no honour's to be gain'd, 
'Tis thrown away in b'ing maintained. 
'Twas ill for us we had to do 
With so dishonourable a foe : 
For though the law of arms doth bar 855 

The use of venom'd shot in war. 
Yet, by the nauseous smell, and noisome, 
Their case-shot savours strong of poison ; 
And doubtless have been chewM with teeth 
Of some that had a stinking breath ; 860 

Else, when we put it to the push. 
They had not giv'n us such a brush. 
But as those poltroons that fling dirt 
Do but defile, but cannot hurt. 
So all the honour they have won, 865 

Or we have lost, is much as one. 
'Twas well we made so resolute 
And brave retreat, without pursuit ; 
For if we had not, we had sped 
Much worse, to be in triumph led ; 870 

Than which the ancients held no state 
Of man's life more unfortunate. 
But if this bold adventure e'er 
Do chance to reach the widow's ear, 
It may, b'ing destin'd to assert 875 

Her sex's honour, reacli her heart ; 
H 



146 HUDIBRAS. 

And as such homely treats (they say) 

Portend good fortune, so this may. 

Vespasian being daub'd with dirt, 

Was destin'd to the empire for't ; 880 

And from a scavenger did come 

To be a mighty prince in Rome : 

And why may not this foul address 

Presage in love the same success ? 

Then let us straight, to cleanse our wounds, 

Advance in quest of nearest ponds ; 886 

And after (as we first designed) 

Swear I've performed what she enjoin'd. 



CANTO III. 

The Knight, with various doubts possest, 

To win the Lady goes in quest 

Of Sidrophel, the Rosy- crucian, 

To know the dest'nies' resolution : 

With whom b'ing met, tiiey both chop logic 

About the science astrologic: 

Till falling from dispute to fight. 

The Conj'ror's worsted by the KniglU. 

Doubtless the pleasure is as great 

Of being cheated, as to cheat ; 

As lookers-on feel most delight, 

That least perceive a juggler's sleight; 

And still the less they understand, 5 

The more th' admire his sleight of hand. 

Some with a noise, and greasy light, 
Are snapt, as men catch larks by knight ; 
Ensnar'd and hamper'd by the soul, 
As nooses by the legs catch fowl. 10 

Some with a med'cine, and receipt. 
Are drawn to nibble at the bait ; 
And tho' it be a two-foot trout, 
'Tis with a single hair puU'd out. 

Others believe no voice t' an organ 15 

So sweet as lawyer's in his bar-gown, 

079. ' C. CfE6ar succensens, propter curam verrendis 
viisnon adhibiiam, luto jussu oppleri congesto per mi 
litesin prsetextoe Miuura. Sueton. in Vespas. c. 5. 



i 



PART II.— CANTO III. 147 

Until with subtle cobweb-cheats 
Th' are catch'tl in knotted law, like nets ; 
In which, when once they are imbrangled. 
The more they stir, the more they're tangled ; 
And while their purses can dispute, 21 

There's no end of th' immortal suit. 

Others still gape t' anticipate 
The cabinet-desi^'ns of fate ; 
Apply to wizards to foresee 25 

What sliall, and what shall never be ; 
And, as those vultures do forebode, 
Believe events prove bad or good : 
A flam more senseless than the roguery 
Of old aruspicy and aug'ry, 30 

That out of garbages of cattle 
Presag'd th' events of truce or battle ; 
From flight of birds, or chickens pecking, 
Success of great'st attempts would reckon : 
Tlvough cheats, yet more intelligible 35 

Than those that with the stars do fribble. 
This Hudibras by proof found true, 
As in due time and place we'll shew : 
For he, with beard and face made clean, 
B'ing mounted on his steed agen 40 

(And Ralpho got a cock-horse too 
Upon his beast, with much ado), 
Advanc'd on for the Widow's house, 
To acquit himself, and pay his vows ; 
VVhen various thoughts began to bustle, 45 
And with his inward man to justle. 
He thought what danger might accrue 
If she should find he swore untrue ; 
Or, if his Squire or he should fail. 
And not be punctual in their tale, 50 

It might at once the ruin prove 
Both of his honour, faith, and love. 
But if he should forbear to go, 
She might conclude h' had broke his vow ; 
And that he durst not now, for shame, 55 

Appear in court to try his claim. 
Tills was the pen'worth of his thought, 
To pass time, and uneasy trot. 



148 HUDIBRAS. 

Quoth he, In all my past adventures 
I ne'er was set so on the tenters ; 60 

Or taken tardy with dilemma, 
That ev'ry way I turn does hem me, 
And with inextricable doubt 
Besets my puzzled Vv'its .about : 
For tho' the dame hath been my bail, 65 

To free me from enchanted jail, 
Yet as a doij, committed close 
For some offence, by chance breaks loose, 
And quits his clog, but all in vain. 
He still draws after him his chain ; 70 

So, though my ankle she has quitted, 
My heart continues still committed: 
And like a baifd and mainpriz'd lover, 
Altho'' at large, I am bound over: 
And when I shall appear in court, 75 

To plead my cause, and answer for't. 
Unless the judge do partial prove, 
What will become of me and love ? 

For if in our account we vary, 

Or but in circumstance miscarry ; 80 

Or if she put ms to strict proof. 

And make me pull my doublet off, 

To shew, by evident record 

Writ on my skin, Fve kept my word ; 

How can I e'er expect to have her, 85 

Having demurred unto her favour ? 

But faith, and love, and honour lost. 

Shall be reduc'd t' a Knight o' th' Post. 

Beside, that stripping may prevent 

What Fm to prove by argument, 90 

And justify I have a tail ; 

And that way, too, my proof may fail. 

Oh ! that I cou'd enucleate. 

And solve the problems of my fate ; 

< )r find, by necromantic art, 95 

How far tlie destinies take my part I 

For if I were not more than certain 

To win and wear her, and her fortune, 

Fd go no farther in this courtship. 

To hazard soul, estate, and worship : 100 



PART II.— CANTO III. 149 

For though an oath obliges not 
Where any thing is to be got, 
(As thou hast prov'd), yet 'tis profane, 
And sinful, when men swear in vain. 

Quoth Ralph, Not far from hence doth dwell 
A cunning man, hight Sidrophel, 106 

That deals in destiny's dark counsels, 
And sage opinions of the moon sells ; 
To whom all peojile, far and near, 
On deep importances repair ; 110 

When brass and pewter hap to stray. 
And linen slinks out of the way ; 
When geese and puUen are seduc'd, 
And sows of suckin<r-pigs are chows'd ; 
When cattle feel indisposition, 115 

And need th' opinion of physician ; 

When murrain reigns in hogs or sheep, 

And chickens languish of the pip ; 

When yeast and outward means do fail, 

And have no powV to work on ale ; 120 

When butter docs refuse to come, 

And love proves cross and humorsome ; 

To him with questions, and with urine. 

They for discovery flock, or curing. 

Quoth Hudibras, This Sidrophel 125 

Fve heard of, and should hke it well, 

If thou canst prove the saints have freedom 

To go to sorc'rers when they need 'em. 
Says Ralpho, There's no doubt of that ; 

Those principles 1 quoted late 130 

Prove that the godly may allege 

For any thing their privilege ; 

And to the devl himself may go, 

If they have motives thereunto. 

For, as there is a war between 135 

The dev'l and them, it is no sin, 

If they by subtle stratagem 

Make use of him, as he does them. 

Has not this present Parliament 

A Ledger to the devil sent, 

140. The witch-finder in Suffolk, who, in the Pres- 
byterian times, had a commission to discover witches, 

of whom (riglit or wrongj he caused sixty to be hanged 



150 HUDIBRAS. 

Fully impower''d to treat about 

Finding revolted witclies out ? 

And has not he, within a year, 

HangM threescore of 'em in one shire ? 

Some only for not being drown'd, 143 

And some for sitting above ground, 

Whole days and nights, upon their breeches, 

And feeling pain, were hang'd for witches; 

And some for putting knavish tricks 

Upon green ge^se and turkey-chicks, 150 

Or pigs, that suddenly deceast 

Of griefs unnatVal, as he guest ; 

Who after prov'd himself a witch. 

And made a rod for his own breech. 

Did not the devil appear to Martin 155 

Luther in Germany for certain? 

And wou'd have gull'd him with a trick, 

But Martin was too politic. 

Did he not help the Dutch to purge 

At Antwerp their cathedral church ? 160 

Sing catches to the saints at Mascon, 

And tell them all they came to ask him? 

Appear'd in divers shapes to Kelly, 

And speak i' th' Nun of Loudon's belly ? 

within tlie compass of one year ; and, among the rest, 
the old mimster, who had been a painful preacher for 
many years 

159. In the beginning of the civil wars of Flanders, 
the common people of Antwerp in a tumult broke open 
the cathedral church, to demolish images and shrines, 
and did so much mischief in a small time, that, Strada 
writes, there were several devils seen very busy among 
them, otherwise it had been impossible. 

161. This devil at Mascon delivered all his oracles, 
like his forefathers, in verse, which he sung to tunes. 
He made several lampoons upon the Huguenots, and 
foretold them many things which afterwards came to 
pass ; as may be seen in his Memoirs, written in French. 

163 The History of Dr- Dee and the Devil, published 
by Mer. Casaubon, Isaac Fil, prebendary of Canterbury, 
has a large account of all those passages, in which the 
style of the true and false angels appears to be penned 
by one and the same person. The Nun of Loudon, in 
France, and all her tricks, have been seen by many per- 
sons of quality of this nation yet living, who have made 
very good observations upon the French book written 
on that occasion. 



PART II.— CANTO III. 151 

Meet with the Parliamenfs committee ] 65 

At Woodstock on a pers'nal treaty ? 

At Sarum take a cavalier 

r th' cause's service prisoner ? 

As Withers, in immortal rhyme, 

Has reoister"'d to after-time 1 170 

Do not our great reformers use 

This Sidrophel to forebode news ? 

To write of victdries next year, 

And castles taken yet i' th' air? 

Of battles fought at sea, and ships 175 

Sunk two years hence, the last eclipse? 

A total overthrow giv'n the king 

In Cornwall, horse and foot, next spring? 

And has not he point blank foretold 

Whats'e'er the close committee would ? 180 

Made Mars and Saturn for the cause, 

The moon for fundamental laws ? 

TJie Ram, the Bull, and Goat declare 

Against the Book of Common Pray'r ? 

The Scorpion take the Protestation, 185 

And Bear engage for Reformation ? 

Made all the royal stars recant, 

(Jompound and take the Covenant ? 

Quoth Hudibras, The case is clear. 
That saints may "mploy a conjurer, 190 

As thou hast prov'd it by their practice ; 
No argument like matter of fact is : 
And we are best of all led to 
Men's principles by what they do. 
Then let us straight advance in quest 195 

Of this profound gymnosophist ; 
And as the fates and he advise. 
Pursue or waive this enterprise. 

This said, he turn'd about his steed, 
And eftsoons on th' adventure rid : 200 

Where leave we him and Ralph awhile, 
And to the conjurer turn our style, 

165 A committee of the Long Parliament, sitting in 
the king's house, in Woodstock Park, were terrified 
with several apparitions, the particulars whereof were 
then the news of the whole nation. 

107. Withers has a long story, in doggerel, of a sol- 
dier in the king's army, who, heing a prisoner at Salia- 



152 HUDIBRAS. 

To let our reader understand 
What's u&jcful of him beforeliand. 

He liad been long t' wards mathematics, 205 
Optics, philosophy, and statics, 
Mag-ic, horoscopy, astrology, 
And v/as old dog at physiology ; 
But as a dog that turns the spit 
Bestirs himself, and plies his feet, 21 

To climb the wheel, but all in vain. 
His own weight brings him down again ; 
And still he's in the self-same place 
Where at his setting out he was ; 
So in the circle of the arts 215 

Did he advance his nat'ral parts, 
Till falling back still, for retreat. 
He fell to juggle, cant, and cheat : 
For as those fowls that live in water 
Are never wet, he did but smatter : 220 

Whate'er he labour'd to appear. 
His understanding still was clear : 
Yet none a deeper knowledge boasted. 
Since old Hodge Bacon and Bob Grosted. 
Th' inteUigible world he knew, 225 

And all men dream on't to be true ; 
That in this world there's not a wart 
That has not there a counterpart ; 
Nor can there on the face of ground 
An individual beard be found, 23() 

That has not in that foreign nation, 
A fellow of the self-same fashion ; 
So cut, so colour'd, and so curl'd. 
As those are in th' inferior vi^orld. 
bury, and drinking a health to the devil upon his kneee, 
was carried away by him tluou<£h a single pane of glass. 
224. Roger Bacon, commonly called Friar Bacon, 
lived in the reign of our Edward 1. and, for some little 
skill he had in tiie mathematics, was by the rabble ac- 
counted a conjurer, and had the sottish story of the 
brazen head fathered upon him by the ignorant monks 
of those days. Robert Grosthead was bishop of Lincoln 
in the reign of Henry III. He was a learned man for 
those limes, and for that reason suspected by the clergy 
to be a conjurer; for which crime being degraded by 
Pope Innocent IV. and summoned to appear at Rome, 
he appealed to the tribunal of Christ ; which our law- 
yers say is illegal, if not a praDmunire., for offering to 
sue in a for"i''r. court. 



PART II.— CANTO III. 153 

H' had read Dee's prefaces before, 235 

The dev'l, and EucUd, o'er and o'er ; 
And all the intrigues 'twixt him and Kelly, 
Lescus and th' emperor, wou'd tell ye ; 
But with the moon was more familiar 
Than e'er was almanack well-wilier ; 240 

Her secrets.understood so clear. 
That some behev'd he had been there ; 
Knew when she was in fittest mood 
For cutting corns, or letting blood ; 
When for anointing scabs or itches, 245 

Or to the bum applying leeches ; 
When sows and bitches may be spay'd, 
And in what sign best cyder]s made ; 
Whether the wane be, or increase. 
Best to set garlic, or sow peas ; 250 

Who first found out the Man i' th' Moon, 
That to the ancients was unknown ; 
How many duke^, and earls, and peers, 
Are in the planetary spheres ; 
Their airy empire and command, 255 

Their sev'ral strengths by sea and land ; 
What factions th' have, and what they drive at 
In public vogue, or what in private ; 
With what designs and interests 
Each party manages contests. 260 

He made an instrument to know 
If the moon shine at full or no ; 
That wou'd, as soon as e'er she shone, straight 
Whether 'twere day or night demonstrate ; 
Tell what her d'meter t' an inch is, 265 

And prove that she's not made of green chee^. 
It wou'd demonstrate, that the Man in 
The Moon's a sea Mediterranean ; 
And that it is no dog nor bitch. 
That stands behind him at his breech, 270 

But a huge Caspian Sea, or lake. 
With arms, which men for legs mistake ; 
How large a gulf his tail composes. 
And what a goodly bay his nose is ; 
How many German leagues by th' scale 275 
Cape Snout's from Promontory Tail. 
H2 



154 HUDIBRAS. 

He made a planetary gin, 

Which rats would run their own heads in, 

And came on purpose to be taken. 

Without th' expense of cheese or bacon. 280 

With lute-strings he would counterfeit 

Maggots that crawl on dish of meat : 

Quote moles and spots on any place 

O' th' body, by the index face : 

Detect lost maidenheads by sneezing, 285 

Or breaking wind of dames, or pissing ; 

Cure warts and corns with application 

Of med'cines to th' imagination, 

Fright agues into dogs, and scare 

With rhymes the tooth-ache and catarrh : 290 

Chase evil spii'its away by dint 

Of sickle, horse-shoe, hollow-flint ; 

Spit fire out of a walnut-shell. 

Which made the Roman slaves rebel ; 

And fire a mine in China here, 295 

With sympathetic gunpowder. 

He knew whats'ever's to be known, 

But much more than he knew would own : 

What med'cine 'twas that Paracelsus 

Could make a man with, as he tells us ; 300 

What figur'd slates are best to make 

On wat'ry surface duck or drake ; 

What bowling-stones, in running race 

Upon a board, have swiftest pace ; 

Whether a pulse beat in the black 305 

List of a dappled louse's back ; 

If systole or diastole move 

%iickest when he's in wrath or love ; 

When two of them do run a race. 

Whether they gallop, trot, or pace ; 310 

How many scores a flea will jump. 

Of his own length, from head to rump ; 

Which Socrates and Chterephon, 

In vain, assay'd so long agone ; 

Whether his snout a perfect nose is, 315 

And not an elephant's proboscis ; 

313. Aristophanes, in liis comedy of The Clouds, 
brings in Socrates and C^mrepi^ion, measuring the leap 
of a flea, from tiie one'g beard to the other's. 



i 



PART II.— CANTO III. 155 

How many difF'rent species 

Of maggots breed in rotten cheese ; 

And which are next of kin to those 

Engender'd in a chandler's nose ; 320 

Or those not seen, but understood, 

That hve in vinegar and wood. 

A paltry wretch he had, half-starv'd, 
That him in place of Zany serv'd, 
Hight Whachum, bred to dash and draw, 325 
Not wine, but more unwholesome law ; 
To make 'twixt words and lines huge gaps, 
Wide as meridians in maps ; 
To squander paper, and spare ink, 
Or cheat men of their words, some think. 330 
From this, by merited degrees. 
He'd to more high advancement rise ; 
To be an under conjurer, 
Or journeyman astrologer. 
His business was to pump and wheedle, 335 
And men with their own keys unriddle ; 
To make them to themselves give answers, 
For which they pay the necromancers ; 
To fetch and carry intelligence. 
Of whom, and Vv^hat, and where, and whence, 
And all discoveries disperse 341 

Among th' whole pack of conjurers ; 
What cut-purses have left with the^n. 
For the right owners to redeem ; 
And what they dare not vent find out, 345 

To gain thenjselves and th' art repute ; 
Draw figures, schemes, and horoscopes. 
Of Newgate, Bridewell, brokers' shops, 
Of thieves ascendant in the cart. 
And find out all by rules of art ; 350 

Which way a serving man, that's run 
With clothes or money away, is gone ; 
Who pick'd a fob at holding forth. 
And where a watch, for half the worth, 
May be redeem'd ; or stolen plate 355 

Restor'd at conscionable rate. 
Beside all this, he serv'd his master 
In quality of poetaster ; 



156 HUDIBRAS. 

And rhymes appropriate could make 

To ev'ry montli i' th' almanack ; 360 

When terms begin and end could tell, 

With their returns, in doggerel : 

When the Exchequer opes and shuts, 

And sow-gelder with safety cuts ; 

When men may eat and drink their fill, 365 

And when be temp'rate if they will ; 

When use, and when abstain from vice, 

Figs, grapes, phlebotomy, and spice. 

And as in prison mean rogues beat 

Hemp for the service of the great, 370 

So Whachum beat his dirty brains, 

T' advance his master's fame and gains, 

And like the devil's oracles. 

Put into dogg'rel rhymes his spells. 

Which, over ev'ry month's blank page 375 

r th' almanack, strange bilks presage. 

He would an elegy compose 

On maggots squeez'd out of his nose : 

In lyric numbers write an ode on 

His mistress eating a black-pudding ; 380 

And when imprison'd air escap'd her, 

It puft him with poetic rapture. 

His sonnets charm'd th' attentive crowd, 

By wide-mouth'd mortal troll'd aloud, 

That, circl'd with his long-ear'd guests, 385 

Like Orpheus look'd among the beasts. 

A carman's horse could not pass by. 

But stood ty'd up to poetry : 

No porter's burden pass'd along. 

But serv'd for burden to his song : 390 

JEach window like a pill'ry appears. 

With heads thrust through, nail'd by the ears : 

All trades run in as to the sight 

Of monsters, or their dear delight. 

The gallows-tree, when cutting purse 395 

Breeds bus'ness for heroic verse. 

Which none does hear but would have hung 

T' have been the theme of such a song. 

Those two together long had liv'd. 
In mansion prudently contriv'd, 400 



PART II.— CANTO III. 157 

Where neither tree nor house could bar 

The free detection of a star ; 

And nigh an ancient obelisk 

Was rais'd by him, found out by Fisk, 

On which was written, not in words, 405 

But hieroglyphic mute of birds, 

Many rare pithy saws concerning 

The worth of astrologic learning. 

From top of this there hung a rope, 

To which he fastened telescope : 410 

The spectacles with which the stars 

He reads in smallest characters. 

It happen'd as a boy, one night. 

Did fly his tarsel of a kite. 

The strangest long-wing'd hawk that flies, 415 

That, like a bird of Paradise, 

Or herald's martlet, has no legs. 

Nor hatches young ones, nor lays eggs ; 

His train was six yards long, milk-white 

At th' end of which there hung a light, 420 

Inclos'd in lantern, made of paper, 

That far off like a star did appear : 

This Sidrophel by chance espy'd. 

And with amazement staring wide. 

Bless us ! quoth he, what dreadful wonder 425 

Is that appears in Heaven yonder? 

A comet, and without a beard ! 

Or star that ne'er before appear'd? 

Vm certain 'tis not in the scrowl 

Of all those beast??, and fish, and fowl, 430 

With which, like Indian plantations. 

The learned stock the constellations ; 

Nor tliose that drawn for signs have been 

To th' houses where the planets inn. 

It must be supernatural, 435 

Unless it be that cannon-ball 

404. Tliis Fisk was a late famous astrologer, who 
flourislied about the time of Subtile and Face, and was 
equally celubiated by Ben Jonson. 

43G. This experiment was tried by some foreign vir- 
tuosos, who planted a piece of ordnance point blank 
against the zenith, and having- fired it, the bullet never 
rebounded back again ; which made them all conclude 



158 HUDIBRAS. 

That, shot i' th' air point-blank upright, 

Was borne to that prodigious height, 

That, learn'd philosophers maintain. 

It ne'er came backwards down again, 440 

But in the airy region yet 

Hangs, like the body of Mahomet : 

For if it be above the shade 

That by the earth's round bulk is made, 

'Tis probable it may from far 445 

Appear no bullet, but a star. 

This said, he to his engine flew, 
Plac'd near at hand, in open view. 
And rais'd it till it levell'd right 
Against the glow-worm tail of kite ; 450 

Then peeping through, Bless us ! (quoth he) 
It is a planet, now, 1 see,; 
And, if I err not, by his proper 
Figure, that's like tobacco-stopper, 
It should be Saturn. Yes, 'tis clear 455 

'Tis Saturn ; but what makes him there ? 
He's got between the dragon's tail 
And farther leg behind o' th' whale. 
Pray heav'n avert the fatal omen. 
For 'tis a prodigy not common ; 460 

And can no less than the world's end, 
Or Nature's funeral, portend. 
With that he fell again to pry 
Thro' perspective more wistfully, 
When by mischance the fatal string, 465 

That kept the tow'ring fowl on wing, 
Breaking, down fell the star. Well shot. 
Quoth Whachum, who right wisely thought 
H' had levell'd at a star, and hit it : 
But Sidrophel, more subtle-witted, 470 

Cry'd out, What horrible and fearful 
Portent is this, to see a star fall.'' 
It threatens nature, and the doom 
Will not be long before it come ! 
When stars do fall, 'tis plain enough, 475 

The day of judgment's not far off; 

that it sticks in the mark ; but Descartes was of opiniofi 
that it does but hang in the air 



PART II.— CANTO III. 159 

As lately 'twas reveal'd to Sedgwick, 

And some of us find out by magic. 

Tlien since the time we have to live 

In this world's shortened, let us strive 480 

To make our best advantage of it, 

And pay our losses with our profit. 

This feat fell out not long before 
The Knight, upon the forenam'd score. 
In quest of Sidrophel advancing 485 

Was now in prospect of the mansion ; 
Whom he discovering, turn'd his glass, 
And found far off 'twas Hudibras. 

Whaclium, (quoth he), look yonder, some 
To try or use our art are come : 490 

The one's the learned Knight : seek out, 
And pump 'em what they come about. 
Whachum advanced, with all submiss'ness, 
T' accost 'era, but much more their business : 
He held a stirrup, while the Knight 495 

From leathern bare-bones did alight ; 
And taking from his hand the bridle. 
Approach" d the dark Squire to unriddle. 
He gave him first tlie time o' th' day, 
And welcom'd him, as he might say : 500 

He ask'd him wlience they came, and whither 
Their bus'ness lay ? Quoth Ralpho, Hither. 
Did you not lose ? Quoth Ralpho, Nay, 
Quoth Whachum, Sir, I meant your way ! 
Your Knight — Quoth Ralpho, Is a lover, 505 
And pains intolerable doth suffer : 
For lovers' hearts are not their own hearts, 
Nor lights, nor lungs, and so forth downwards 
What time, (quoth Whachum) Sir? — Too long ; 
Three years it olf and on has hung. — 510 

Quoth he, I meant what time o' th' day 'tis — 
Quotii Ralpho, Between seven and eight 'tis.— 
Why then (quoth Whachum), my small art 
Tells me, the dame has a hard heart, 

477. This Sedgwick liad many persons (and some of 
quality) tiT.it believed in liim, and prepared to keep the 
day of jndgnieiit vvii.h him, but were disappointed ; for 
which tlie false proi)het was afterwards called by the 
name of Doomsday Si;;lgwick. 



160 HUDIBRAS, 

Or great estate. — Quoth Ralplio, A jointure, 

Which makes him have so liot a mind t' her. 

Meanwhile the Knight was making water, 

Before he fell upon the matter , 

Which having done, the Wizard steps in, 

To give him suitable reception ; 52C 

But kept his bus ness at a bay, 

Till Whachum put him in the way ; 

Who having now, by Ralpho's light, 

Expounded th' errand of the Knight, 

And what he came to know, drew near, 525 

To whisper in the conj'rer''s ear. 

Which he prevented thus : AVhat was't. 

Quoth he, tliat I was saying last, 

Before these gentlemen arriv'd ? 

Quoth Whachum, Venus you retriev'd, 530 

In opposition with Mars, 

And no benign and friendly stars 

T' allay the effect— Quoth Wizard, So ! 

In Virgo ? Ha I — Quoth Whachum, No. 

Has Saturn nothing to do in it? 535 

One tenth of 's circle to a minute. 

'Tis well, quoth he. — Sir, you'll excuse 

This rudeness I am forc'd to use : 

It is a scheme and face of Heaven, 

As th' aspects are disposed this even, 540 

I was contemplating upon 

When you arriv'd ; but now I've done. 

Quoth Hudibras, If I appear 
Unseasonable in coming here 
At such a time, to interrupt 545 

Your speculations, which I hop'd 
Assistance from, and come to use, 
'Tis fit that I ask your excuse. 

By no means, Sir, quoth Sidrophel ; 
The stars your coming did foretel : 550 

I did expect you here, and knevv. 
Before you spake, your bus'ness too. 

Quoth Hudibras, Make that appear, 
And I shall credit whatsoe'er 
You tell me after on your word, 555 

Howe'er unlikely or absurd. 



PART II.— CANTO III. IGl 

You are in love, Sir, with a widow. 
Quoth he, that does not greatly heed you, 
And for three years has rid your wit 
And passion without drawing bit ; 560 

And now your business is to know, 
If you shall carry her or no. 

Quoth Hudibras, You're in the right; 
But how the devil you came by't 
I can't imagine ; for the stars, 565 

Vm sure, can tell no more than a horse; 
Nor can their aspects (though you pore 
Your eyes out on 'em) tell you more 
Than th' oracle of sieve and shears. 
That turns as certain as the spheres : 570 

But if the devil's of your council, 
Much may be done, my noble Donzel ; 
And 'tis on his account I come. 
To know from you m}' fatal doom. 

Quoth Sidrophel, If you suppose, 575 

Sir Knight, that I am one of those, 
I might suspect, and take the alarm, 
Your bus'ness is but to inform ; 
But if it be, 'tis ne'er the near ; 
You have a wrong sow by the ear ; 580 

For I assure you, for my part, 
I only deal by rules of art. 
Such as are lawful, and judge by 
Conclusions of astrology : 
But for the dev'l, know nothing by him ; 585 
But only this, that I defy him. 

Quoth he, Whatever others deem ye, 
I understand your metonymy : 
Your words of second-hand intention, 
When things by wrongful names you mention ; 
The mystic sense of all your terms, 591 

That are, indeed, but magic charms 
To raise the devil, and mean one thing, 
And that is downright conjuring ; 
And in itself more warrantable, 595 

Than cheat or canting to a rabble, 
Or putting tricks upon the moon, 
Which by confed'racy are done. 



162 HUDIBRAS. 

Your ancient conjurers were wont 

To make her from her sphere dismount, 600 

And to their incantations stoop: 

They scorned to pore tlirougli telescope, 

Or idly play at bo-peep with her, 

To find out cloudy or fair weather, 

Which ev'ry almanack can tell, 605 

Perhaps, as learnedly and well 

As you yourself. — Then, friend, I doubt 

You go the farthest way about. 

Your modern Indian magician 

Makes but a hole in th' earth to piss in, 610 

And straight resolves all questions by't, 

And seldom fails to be i' th' right. 

The Rosy-crucian way's more sure 

To bring the devil to the lure ; 

Each of 'em has a sev'ral gin 615 

To catch intelligence in. 

Some by the nose with fumes trepan 'em, 

As Dunstan did the deviPs grannam; 

Others with characters and words 

Catch 'em, as men in nets do birds ; 620 

And some with symbols, signs, and tricks, 

Engrav'd with planetary nicks, 

With their own influences will fetch 'em 

Down from their orbs, arrest, and catch 'era ; 

Make 'em depose and answer to 625 

All questions, ere they let them go. 

Bombastus kept a devifs bird 

Shut in the pummel of his sword, 

That taught him all the cunning pranks 

Of past and future mountebanks. 630 

609. This compendious new way of magic is afRrmed 
hy Monsieur Le Blanc (in his travels) to be used in the 
East Indies. 

627. Paracelsus is said to have kept a small devil pri- 
Honerin the pummel of his sword, which was the reason, 
perhaps, why he was so valiant in his drink. However, 
it was to better purpose than Ilatuiibal carried poison in 
his, to dispatch himself, if he should happen to be sur- 
prised iu any great extremity ; for the sword would have 
done the feat alone much better, and more soIdJer-Iike ; 
and it was below the honour of so great a comniandor 
to go out of the world like a rat. 



PART IL— CANTO III. 163 

Kelly did all his feats upon 

The devirs looking-glass, a stone ; 

Where playing- with him at bo-peep, 

He solv'd all problems ne'er so deep. 

Agrippa kept a Stygian pug, 635 

I' th' garb and habit of a dog, 

That was his tutor, and the cur 

Read to th' occult philosopher. 

And taught him sjubt'ly to maintain 

All other sciences are vain. 640 

To this, quoth Sidrophello, Sir, 
Agrippa was no conjurer. 
Nor Paracelsus, no, nor Behmen ; 
Nor was the dog a Cacodcemon, 
But a true dog, that would show tricks 645 
For th' emperor, and leap o'er sticks ; 
Would fetch and carry ; was m.ore civil 
Than other dogs, but yet no devil ; 
And whatsoe'er he's said to do, 
He went the self-same way we go. 650 

As for the Rosy-cross philosophers, 
Whom you will have to be but sorcerers, 
What they pretend to is no more 
Than Trismegistus did before, 
Pythagoras, old Zoroaster, 655 

And Apollonius their master ; 
To whom they do confess they owe 
All that they do, and all they know. 

Quoth Hudibras, Alas, what is't t' us 
Whether 'twas said by Trismegistus, 560 

If it be nonsense, false, or mystic. 
Or not intelligible, or sophistic .'* 
'Tis not antiquity nor author. 
That makes Truth truth,altho' Time's daughter; 
'Twas he that put her in the pit 665 

Before he pulfd her out of it ; 

635. Cornelius Agrippa had a dog that was suspected 
to be a spirit, for some tricks he was wont to do beyond 
the capacity of a dog, as it was thought ; but the author 
of Magia Ademica has taken a great deal of pains to 
vindicate both the doctor and the dog from the aspersion, 
in which he has shown a very great respect and kind 
ness for them both. 



164 HUDIBRAS. 

And as he eats his sons, just so 

He feeds upon his daugl]ters too. 

Nor does it follow, 'cause a herald 

Can make a gentleman, scarce a year old, 670 

To be descended of a race 

Of ancient kings in a small space, 

That wc sliould all opinions hold 

Authentic that we can make old. 

Quoth Sidrophel, It is no part 675 

Of prudence to cry down an art, 
And what it may perform deny, 
Because you understand not why 
(As Averrhois play'd but a mean trick 
To damn our whole art for eccentric :) 680 
For who knows all tliat knowledge contains ? 
Men dwell not on the tops of mountains, 
But on their sides, or risinfr's seat ; 
So 'tis with knowledge's vast height. 
Do not the hist'ries of all ages 685 

Relate miraculous presages. 
Of strange turns in the world's affairs. 
Foreseen b' astrologers, soothsayers, 
Chaldeans, learn'd Genethliacs, 
And some that have writ almanacks? 690 

The Median emp'ror dreamt his daughter 
Had pist all Asia under water, 
And that a vine sprung from her haunches, 
O'erspread his empire with its branches : 
And did not soothsayers expound it, 695 

As after by th' event he found itf 
When Caesar in the senate fell, 
Did not the sun ecHps'd foretel, 
And in resentment of his slaughter, 
Look'd pale for almost a year after? 700 

679. Averrliois astronoiniam propter excentricos 
contempsit. Phil. Melaiicthoii in Eliin. Pliil. p. 781. 

C91. Astyages, I\iiig of Media, had this dream of his 
daughter Mandane, and the interpretation from the 
Magi ; whereof he married Iier to a Persian of a mean 
quality, by whom she had Cyrus, who conquered all 
Asia, and translated the empire from the Medes to the 
Persians. Herodot. 1. 1. 

697. Fiantaliquando prodigioso, et longiores soils de- 
fectus, quales occiso dictatore Casare et Antoniano 
bello, totius anni pallore continue. Phil. 



PART IL— CANTO in. 165 

Augustus having b' oversight, 

Put on his left shoe 'fore his right, 

Had hke to have been slain that day 

By soldiers mutn'ing for pay. 

Are there not myriads of this sort, 705 

Which stories of all times report.'' 

It is not ominous in all countries 

When crows and ravens croak upon trees.'* 

The Roman senate, when within 

Tlie city walls an owl was seen, 710 

Did cause their clergy, with lustrations 

(Our synod calls humihations,) 

The round-fac'd prodigy f avert 

From doing town or country hurt : 

And if an owl had so much pow'r, 715 

Why should not planets have much more. 

That in a region far above ' 

Inferior fowls of the air move. 

And should see farther, and foreknow 

More than their augury below ? 720 

Though that once serv'd the polity 

Of mighty states to govern by ; 

And this is what we take in hand 

By powerful art to understand ; 

Which, how v.'e have performed all ages 725 

Can speak the events of our presages; 

Have we not lately, in the moon. 

Found a new world, to th' old unknown? 

Discover-d sea and land, Columbus 

And Magellan could never compass ? 730 

Made mountains with our tubes appear, 

And cattle grazing on 'em there ? 

Quoth Hudibras, You he so ope. 
That I, without a telescope, 
Can find your tricks out, and descry 735 

Where you tell truth, and where you lie : 
For Anaxagoras, long agone. 
Saw hills, as well as you, i' th' moon ; 

701. Diviis Augustus Icovum sibi prodidit calceum 
prtepostere iiidutum, qua die seditione milituni propt; 
afflicius est. Idem, 1' 2. 

709. Romani L. Crasso et C. Mario Coss. Bubone 
fiso orbein lustialmut. 

7.37 Anaxai:oras, afiiiRtabat solcni cniidens ferruia 



166 HUDIBRAS. 

And held the sun was but a piece 

Of red-hot ir*n, as big as Greece ; 740 

Behev'd the Heavens were made of stone, 

Because the sun had voided one ; 

And, rather than he would recant 

Th' opinion, sufier'd banishment. 

But what, alas ! is it to us, 745 

Whether i' th'' moon men thus or thus 
Do eat their porridge, cut their corns, 
Or whether they have tails or horns * 
What trade from thence can you advance, 
But what we nearer have from France ? 750 
What can our travellers bring home. 
That is not to be learnt at R,ome ? 
What politics, or strange opinions, 
That are not in our own dominions? 
What science can be brought from thence, 755 
In which we do not here commence ? 
What revelations, or religions, 
That are not in our native regions ? 
Are sweating lanterns, or screen-fans. 
Made better there than th' are in France ? 760 
Or do they teach to sing and play 
O* th' guitar there a newer way ? 
Can they make plays there, that shall fit 
The public humour, with less wit? 
Write wittier dances, quainter shows, 765 

Or fight with more ingenious blows? 
Or does the Man i' th' JNIoon look big, 
And wear a huger periwig. 
Show in his gait or face more tricks 
Than our own native lunatics ? 770 

And if w' outdo him here at home, 
What good of your design can come? 
As wind, i' th' hypocondries pent. 
Is but a blast if downward sent, 
But if it upward chance to fly, 775 

Becomes new Light and prophecy ; 

esse, et Peloponneso mcijorem : lunam liabitacula in se 
habere, etColles, etvalles. Ferturdixissecoeluniomne 
ex lapidibus esse com posi turn; tlamnatus etin exilium 
pulsus est, quod im])ie eolcm candeiUum laniinam esse 
dixisset. Diog. Lacit. iu Aiiaxag. p. 11, 13. 



PART II.— CANTO III. 167 

So when your speculations tend 

Above their just and useful end, 

Although they promise strange and great 

Discoveries of things far fet, 780 

They are but idle dreams and fancies, 

And savour strongly of the ganzas. 

Tell me but whafs the natural cause, 

Why on a sign no painter draws 

The full moon evet, but the half? 785 

Resolve that with your Jacob's staff; 

Or why wolves raise a hubbub at her. 

And dogs howl when she shines in water ; 

And I shall freely give my vote, 

You may know something more remote. 790 

At this deep Sidrophel look'd wise, 
And staring round with owl-like eyes, 
He put his face into a posture 
Of sapience, and began to bluster : 
For having three times shook his head 795 
To stir his wit up, thus he said : 
Art has no mortal enemies, 
Next ignorance, but owls and geese : 
Those consecrated geese in orders, 
That to the Capitol were warders ; 800 

And being then upon patrol, 
With noise alone beat off the Gaul : 
Or those Athenian sceptic owls. 
That will not credit their own souls; 
Or any science understand, 805 

Beyond the reach of eye or hand ; 
But meas'ring all things by their own 
Knowledge, hold nothing's to be known : 
Those wholesale critics, that in cofFee- 
Houses cry down all pliilosophy, 810 

And will not know upon what ground 
In nature we our doctrine found, 
Altho' with pregnant evidence 
We can demonstrate it to sense, 
As I just now have done to you, 815 

Foretelling what you came to know. 
Were the stars only made to light 
Robbers and burglarers by night ? 



168 HUDIBRAS. 

To wait on drunkards, thieves, gold-finders, 

And lovers solacing behind doors, 820 

Or giving one another pledges 

Of matrimony under hedges ? 

Or witches simpling, and on gibbets 

Cutting from malefactors snippets? 

Or from the pillory tips of ears 825 

Of rebel saints and perjurers ? 

Only to stand by, and look on, 

But not know what is said or done ? 

Is there a constellation there 

That was not born and bred up here ;• 830 

And therefore cannot be to learn 

In any inferior concern ? 

Were they not, during all their lives, 

Most of 'em pirates, whores, and thieves ? 

And is it like they have not still 835 

In their old practices some skill ? 

Is there a planet that by birth 

Does not derive its house from earth ? 

And therefore probably must know 

What is and hath been done below. 840 

Who made the Balance, or whence came 

The Bull, the Lion, and the Ram ? 

Did not we here the Argo rig? 

Make Berenice's periv/ig ? 

Wliose livVy does the Coachman wear ? 845 

Or who made Cassiopeia's chair? 

And therefore, as they came from hence, 

With us may hold intelligence. 

Plato deny'd the world can be 

Govern'd without geometry, 850 

(For money b'ing the common scale 

Of things by measure, weight, and tale, 

In all th' affairs of church and state, 

'Tis both the balance and the weight) ; 

Then much less can it be without . 855 

Divine astrology made out ; 

That puts the other down in worth, 

And far as heav'n 's above the earth. 

These reasons (quoth the Knight) I grant 
Are somethino- more significant 860 



PART II.— CANTO III. 169 

Than any that the learned use 

Upon this subject to produce ; 

And yet th' are far from satisfactory, 

T' establish and keep up your factory. 

Th' Eg-yptians say, the Sun has twice 865 

Shifted his setting and his rise ; 

Twice has he risen in the west, 

As many times set in the east : 

But whether that be true or no, 

Tlie devil any of you know. 870 

Some hold the heavens, like a top. 

Are kept by circulation up, 

And, wer't not for their wheeling round, 

They'd instantly fall to the ground : 

As sage Empedocles of old, 875 

And from him modern authors hold. 

Plato believ'd the Sun and Moon 

Below all other planets run. 

Some Mercury, some Venus, seat 

Above the Sun himself in height. 880 

The learned Scaliger complain'd, 

'Gainst what Copernicus maintain'd, 

That, in twelve liundred years and odd, 

The Sun had left its ancient road, 

And nearer to the earth is come 885 

'Bove fifty thousand miles from home : 

Swore 'twas a most notorious flam ; 

And he tliat had so little shame 

To vent such fopperies abroad, 

Deserv'd to have his rump well claw'd ; 890 

885. Egyptii decern millia annoium et amplius, re- 
censent; et obsi^ivatum est in hoc tanto spatio, bis 
mutata esse loca ortuum et occasuam soils, ita ut sol 
bis ortus sit ubi nunc occidit, et bisdescenderitubi nunc 
oritur. Phil. Melanct. Mb. i. p. 60. 

871. Causa quaie coelumnon cadlt (secundum Empe- 
doclem) est velocila.<! sui motus. Comment, in lib. ii. 
Arist. do Ccelo. 

877. Plato soleni et lunam caetens planetis inferiores 
esse putavlt. G Gunnm in Cosmog. lib. i. p. 11. 
,' 881. Copernicus in LibrisRevolutionem, deinde Rein- 
Iioldus, post eliam Stadius mathematici nobiles perspi- 
cuis demonstrationibus docuerunt, soils apsida terrts 
esse propioreni, qunni, Ptolemfei state duodecim parii- 
bu8, i. e. uno et triginta terras seniidiameteria. Jo. Bod. 
Met. Hist. p. 455 



170 HUDIBRAS. 

Which Monsieur Bodin hearing, swore 

That he deserv'd the rod much more, 

That durst upon a truth give doom, 

He knew less than the Pope of Rome. 

Cardan behev'd great states depend 895 

Upon the tip o' th' Bear's tail's end ; 

That, as she whisk'd it t'wards the Sun, 

Strew'd mighty empires up and down ; 

Which others say must needs be false, 

Because your true bears have no tails. 900 

Some say the Zodiac constellations 

Have lon^ since chang'd their antique stations 

Above a sign, and prove the same 

In Taurus now, once in the Ram ; 

Affirm the trigons chopp'd and chang'd, 905 

The wat'ry with the fiery rang'd : 

Then how can their effects still hold 

To be the same they were of old ? 

This, though the art were true, would make 

Our modern soothsayers mistake : 910 

And in one cause they tell more lies. 

In figures and nativities. 

Than th' old Chaldean conjurers 

In so many hundred thousand years; 

Beside their nonsense in translating, 915 

For want of accidence and Latin, 

Like Idus, and Calendoe, Englisht 

The quarter-days, by skilful linguist; 

And yet with ciinting, sleiglit, and cheat, 

'Twill serve their turn to do the feat; 920 

Make fools believe in their foreseeing 

Of things before they are in being; 

To swallow gudgeons ere th' are catch 'd. 

And count their chickens ere th' are hatch'd; 

Make them the constellations prompt, 925 

And give 'em back tlieir own accompt ; 

But still the best to him that gives 

The best price for't, or best believes. 

895. Pntnt Cardaiius, ab extionia carda Hallceg seu 
Majoris Uisaj oiiine magnum imperiuin pendere. Id. 
p. 325. 

913. CiialdiFi jactnut se quadringinta septuaginta an- 
norum millia in periclitandis, eiperiuiidisquepuerorum 
ariimis possuisse. Cicero. 



PART II.— CANTO III. 171 

Some towns and cities, some, for brevity, 

Have cut the 'versal world's nativity, 930 

And made the infant-stars confess, 

Like fools or children, what they please. 

Some calculate the hidden fates 

Of monkeys, puppy-dogs, and cats ; 

Some running-nags and fighting-cocks, 935 

Some love, trade, law-suits, and the pox : 

Some take a measure of the lives 

Of fathers, mothers, husbands, wives : 

Make opposition, trine, and quartile. 

Tell who is barren, and who fertile ; 940 

As if the planets' first aspect 

The tender infant did infect 

In soul and body, and instil 

All future good, and future ill ; 

Which, in their dark fatalities lurking, 945 

At destined periods fall a working ; 

And break out, like the hidden seeds 

Of long diseases, into deeds. 

In friendships, enmities, and strife, 

And all th' emergencies of life. 950 

No sooner does he peep into 

The world, but he has done his do : 

Catch'd all diseases, took all physic 

That cures or kills a man that is sick ; 

Marry'd his punctual dose of wives ; 955 

Is cuckolded, and breaks or thrives. 

There's but the twinkling of a star 

Between a man of peace and war ; 

A thief and justice, fool and knave, 

A huffing officer and a slave ; 960 

A crafty lawyer and a pick-pocket, 

A great philosopher and a blockhead ; 

A formal preacher and a player, 

A learn'd physician and manslayer. 

As if men from the stars did suck 965 

Old age, diseases, and ill-luck. 

Wit, folly, honour, virtue, vice. 

Trade, travel, women, claps, and dice ; 

And draw, with the first air they breathe. 

Battle and murder, sudden death. 970 



172 HUDIBRAS. 

And not these fine commodities 

To be imported from the skies, 

And vended here amongst the rabble, 

For staple goods and warrantable ? 

Like money by the Druids borrowed, 975 

In th' other world to be restored ? 

Quoth Sidrophel, To let you know 
You wrong the art, and artists too. 
Since arguments are lost on those 
That do our principles oppose, 980 

1 will (although I've done't before) 
Demonstrate to your sense once more, 
And draw a figure, that shall tell you, 
What you, perhaps, forget befel you, 
By way of horary inspection, 985 

Which some account our worst erection. 
With that he circles draws, and squares. 
With cyphers, astral characters ; 
Then looks 'em o'er, to understand 'em, 
Although set down hab-nab, at random. 990 

Quoth he, This scheme of th' heavens set, 
Discovers how in figiit you met. 
At Kingston, with a May-pole idol, [well ; 

And that y' were bang'd both back and side 
And though you overcame the bear, 995 

The dogs beat you at Brentford fair ; 
Where sturdy butchers broke your noddle, 
And handled you like a fop-doodle. 

Quoth Hudibras, I now perceive 
You are no conj'rer, by your leave : 1000 

That paltry story is untrue. 
And forg'd to cheat such gulls as you. 

Not true? quoth he ; howe'er you vapour, 
I can what I affirm make appear : 

975. Druidte pecuniain mutuo acciiiiebant in pos- 
teriore vita reddituri. Patiicius, torn. ii. p. 9. 

1001. There was a notorious idiot (that is here de- 
scribed by the name and character of Whachum) who 
counterfeited a second part of Hudibras, as untowardly 
as Captain Po, who could not write himself, and yet 
made a shift to stand on the piilory for forging other 
men's hands, as his fellovv Whachutn no doubt deserv- 
ed ; in whose abominable doggerel this story of Hudi- 
bras and a French mountebank at Brentford fair Is as 
properly described. 



PART II.-CANTO III. 173 

Whacham shall justify it t' your face, 1005 
And prove he was upon the place. 
He playM the Saltinbancho's part, 
Transformed t' a Frenchman by my art : 
He stole your cloak, and pick'd your pocket, 
Chows'd and caldes'd ye like a blockhead : 1010 
And what you lost I caH produce^ 
If you deny it, here i' th' house. 

Quoth Hudibras, I do believe 
That argument's demonstrative. 
Ralpho, bear witness ; and go fetch us 1015 
A constable to seize the wretches : 
For though th' are both false knaves and cheats, 
Imposters, jugglers, counterfeits, 
I'll make them serve for perpendiculars, 
As true as e'er were us'd by bricklayers. 1020 
They're guilty, by their own confessions, 
Of felony ; and at the sessions, 
Upon the bench, I will so handle 'em. 
That the vibration of this pendulum 
Shall make all tailors' yards of one 1025 

Unanimous opinion ; 
A thing he long has vapour'd of. 
But now shall make it out by proof. 

Quoth Sidrophel, I do not doubt 
To find friends that will bear me out : 1030 
Nor have I hazarded my art. 
And neck, so long on the state's part. 
To be expos'd i' th' end to suffer 
By such a braggadocio buffer. 

1024. The device of the vibrationof a pendulum wa» 
intended to settle a certain measure of ells and yards 
&c. (that should have its foundation in nature) all the 
woild over: for by swinging a weight at the end of a 
striiiE, and calculating by the motion of the sun, or any 
Etar,"^l)ow long the vibration would last, in proportioi 
to tlie Icngili of the string, and weight of the pendulum, 
they tliought to leduce it back again, and from any part 
of time compute the exact length of any string that 
must necessarily vibrate into so much space of time ; 
so that if a man should ask in China for a quarter of an 
hour of satin, or taffela, they would know perfectly 
What it meant ; and all mankind learn a new way to" 
measure things no more by the yard, foot, or inch, bu8 
by the hour, quarter, and minute. 



174 HUDIBRAS. 

HuiFer ! quoth Hudibras : this sword 1035 
Shall down thy false throat cram that word. 
Ralpho, make haste, and call an officer, 
To apprehend this Stygian sophister ; 
Meanwhile FU hold 'em at a bay, 
Lest he and Whachum run away. 1040 

But Sldrophel, who, from th' aspect 
Of Hudibras, did now erect 
A figure worse portending far 
Than that of a malignant star, 
BelievM it now the fittest moment 1045 

To shun the danger that might come on't, 
While Hudibras was all alone. 
And he and Whaohum, two to one. 
This being resolv'd, he spy'd, by chance, 
Behind the door, an iron lance, 1050 

That many a sturdy limb had gor'd, 
And legs, and loins, and shoulders bor'd : 
He snatch'd it up, and made a pass, 
To make his way through Hudibras. 
Whachum had got a fire-fork, 1055 

With which he vow'd to do his work. 
But Hudibras was well prepar'd, 
And stoutly stood upon his guard; 
He put by Sidrophello's thrust. 
And in right manfully he rusht : 1060 

The weapon from his gripe he wrung, 
And laid him on the earth along. 
Whachum his sea-coal prong threw by, 
And basely turn'd his back to fly : 
But Hudibras gave him a twitch 10G5 

As quick as lightning in the breech. 
Just in the place where honour's lodg'd, 
As wise philosophers have judged : 
Because a kick in that place more 
Hurts honour than deep wounds before. 107C 

Quoth Hudibras, The stars determine 
You are my prisoners, base vermin ' 
Could they not tell you so as well 
As what I came to know foretel ? 
By this what cheats you are we find, 1075 

That in your own concerns are blind. 



PART II.— CANTO III. 175 

Your lives are now at my dispose, 
To be redeemed by fine or blows : 
But who his honour would defde, 
To take or sell two lives so vile .'' 1080 

ril give you quarter; but your pillage, 
The conqu'ring warrior''s crop and tillage, 
Which with his sword he reaps and ploughs, 
Thafs mine, the law of arms allows. 

This said in haste, in haste he fell 1085 

To rummaging- of Sidrophel. 
First, he expounded both his pockets. 
And found a watch with rings and lockets, 
Which had been left with him t' erect 
A figure for, and so detect ; 1090 

A copper-plate, with almanacks 
Engrav'd upon 't ; with other knacks 
Of Booker's, Lilly's, Sarah Jimmers', 
And blank-schemes t' discover nimmers; 
A moon-dial, with Napier's bones, 1095 

And several constellation stones, 
Engrav'd in planetary hours. 
That over mortals had strange powers 
To make 'em thrive in law or trade, 
And stab or poison to evade ; 1100 

In wit or wisdom to improve, 
And be victorious in love. 
Whacimm had neither cross nor pile ; 
His plunder was not worth the while ; 
All which the conqu'ror did discompt, 1105 
To pay for curing of his rump. 
But Sidrophel, as full of tricks 
As Rota-men of politics. 
Straight cast about to over-reach 
Th' unwary conqu'ror with a fetch, 1110 

And make him glad (at least) to quit 
His victory, and fly the pit. 
Before the secular prince of darkness 
Arriv'd to seize upon his carcase : 

1113. As the devil is the spiritual prince of darkness, 
so is tiie constable the secular, who governs in the night 
with as great authority as his colleague, but far more 
imperiously. 



176 HUDIBRAS. 

And as a fox with hot pursuit 1115 

Chas'd thro' a warren, casts about 

To save his credit, and among 

Dead vermin on a gallows hung, 

And while the dogs ran underneath, 

Escaped (by counterfeiting death) 1120 

Not out of cunning, but a train 

Of atoms justling in his brain, 

A« learn'd philosophers give out, 

So Sidrophello cast about. 

And fell to 's wonted trade again, 1125- 

To feign himself in earnest slain: 

First stretch'd out one leg, then another, 

And seeming in his breath to smother 

A broken sigh, quoth he. Where am I, 

Alive or dead ^ or which way came I, 1130 

Tlirough so immense a space so soon ? 

But now I thought myself i' th' moon ; 

And that a monster v;ith huge whiskers. 

More formidable than a Switzer's, 

My body through and through had drill'd, 1135 

And Whachum by my side had kilFd ; 

Had cross-examin 'd both our hose. 

And plunder'd all we had to lose. 

Look, there he is : I see him now, 

And feel the place I am lun through : 1140 

And there lies Whachum by my side 

Stone dead, and^ in his own blood dy'd. 

Oh ! ©h ! With that he fetch'd a groan, 

And fell again into a swoon ; 

Shut both his eyes, and stopp'd his breath, 1145 

And to the life out-acted death ; 

That Hudibras, to all appearing, 

Believ'd him to be dead as herring. 

He held it now no longer safe 

To tarry the return of Ralph, 1150' 

But rather leave him in the lurch : 

Thought he, he has abus'd our church, 

Refus'd to give himself one firk 

To carry on the public work ; 

Despis'd. our synod-men like dirt, 1155- 

And made their discipline his sport ; 



PART II.— CANTO lU. 177 

Divulg'd the secrets of their classes, 

And their conventions prov'd high places; 

Disparag'd their tithe-pigs as Pagan, 

And set at nought their cheese and bacon; 1160 

Raird at their Covenant, and jeered 

Their rev'rend parsons, to my beard : 

For all which scandals, to be quit 

At once, this junqture falls out fit. 

I'll make him henceforth to beware, 1165 

And tempt my fury if he dare. 

He must at least hold up his hand, 

By twelve freeholders to be scann'd ; 

Who, by their skill in palmistry, 

Will quickly read his destiny ; 1170 

And make him glad to read his lesson, 

Or take a turn for 't at the session ; 

Unless his light and gifts prove truer 

Than ever yet they did, I'm sure ; 

For if he 'scape with whipping now, 1175 

'Tis more than he can hope to do ; 

And that will disengage my conscience 

Of th' obligation in his own sense. 

I'll make him now by force abide 

"What he by gentle means deny'd, 1180 

To give my honour satisfaction. 

And right the brethren in the action. 

This being resolv'd, with equal speed 

And conduct he approached his steed, 

And with activity unwont 1185 

Assay'd the lofty beast to mount ; 

Which once acliiev'd, he spurr'd his palfrey, 

To get from th' enemy and Ralph free : 

Left dangers, fears, and foes behind, 

And beat, at least three lengths, the wind. 1190 



1 2 



178 

AN HEROICAL EPISTLE OF 

HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL. 



Ecce iterum Crispinus. 



Well ! Sidrophol, though 'tis in vain 

To tamper with your crazy brain, 

Without trepan:^^ing of your skull 

As often as the moon's at full, 

'Tis not amiss, ere y' are giv'n o'er, 5 

To try one desperate medicine more : 

For wliere your case can be no worse, 

The desperafst is the wisest course. 

Is't possible that you, whose ears 

Are of the tribe of Issachar's, 10 

And might with equal reason) either 

For merit, or extent of leather. 

With William Pryn's, before they were 

Retrenched and crucify'd, compare, 

Should yet be deaf against a noise 15 

So roaring as the public voice ? 

That speaks your virtues free, and loud, 

And openly, in ev'ry crowd. 

As loud as one that sings his part 

T' a wheel-barrow or turnip cart, 20 

Or your new nick-nam'd old invention 

To cry greea bastings with an engine 

(As if the vehemence had stunn'd. 

And torn your drum-heads with the sound j) 

And 'cause your folly's now no news, 25 

But overgrown, and out of use, 

Persuade yourself there's no such matter, 

But that 'tis vanish'd out of nature; 

When folly, as it grows in years. 

The more extravagant appears ; 30 

For who but you could be possest 

With 80 much ignorance, and beast, 



HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL. 179 

That neither all men's scorn and hate, 

Nor being- laugh'd and pointed at, 

Nor bray'd so often in a mortar, 35 

Can teach you wholesome sense and nurture ; 

But (like a reprobate) what course 

Soever's us'd, grow worse and worse ? 

Can no transfusion of the blood, 

That makes fools cattle, do you good ? 40 

Nor putting pigs t' a bitch to nurse. 

To turn 'em into mongrel-curs. 

Put you into a way, at least. 

To make yourself a better beast? 

Can all your critical intrigues 45 

Of trying sound from rotten eggs ; 

Your several new found remedies 

Of curing wounds and scabs in trees ; 

Your arts of fluxing them for claps, 

And purging their infected saps ; - 50 

Recov'ring shankors, crystallines, 

And nodes and botches in their rinds, 

Have no effect to operate 

Upon that duller block, your pate ? 

But still it must be lewdly bent 55 

To tempt your own due punishment; 

And, like your whimsy'd chariots, draw 

The boys to course you without law ; 

As if the art you have so long 

Profess'd, of making old dogs young, 60 

In you had virtue to renew 

Not only youth, but childhood too. 

Can you, that understand all books. 

By judging only with your looks. 

Resolve all problems with your face, 65 

As others do with B's and A's ; 

Unriddle all that mankind knows 

With solid bending of your brows; 

All arts and sciences advance, 

With screwing of your countenance, 70 

And, with a penetrating eye, 

Into th' abstrusest learning pry ; 

Know more of any trade b' a hint, 

Than those who have been bred up in't; 



180 HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL. 

And yet have no art, true or false, 75 

To help your own bad naturals? 

But still the more you strive t' appear, 

Are found to be the wretcheder : 

For fools are known by looking wise, 

As men find woodcocks by their eyes. 80 

Hence 'tis,that 'cause y' have gain'd o'th' college 

A quarter-share (at most) of knowledge, 

And brought in none, but spent repute, 

Y' assume a pow'r as absolute 

To judge, and censure, and control, 85 

As if you were the sole Sir Poll ; 

And saucily pretend to know 

More than your dividend comes to. 

You'll find the thing will not be done 

With ignorance and face alone ; 90 

No, though y' have purchased to your name, 

In history, so great a fame ; 

That now your talents, so well known, 

For having all belief outgrown. 

That ev'ry strange prodigious tale 95 

Is measur'd by your German scale; 

By which the virtuosi try 

The magnitude of evVy lie. 

Cast up to what it does amount. 

And place the bigg'st to your account ; 100 

That all those stories that are laid 

Too truly to you, and those made. 

Are now still charged upon your score, 

And lesser authors nam'd no more. 

Alas ! that faculty betrays 105 

Those soonest it designs to raise ; 

And all your vain renown will spoil. 

As guns o'erchargM the more recoil. 

Though he that has but impudence. 

To all things has a fair pretence ; 110 

And put among his wants but shame 

To all the world may lay his claim ; 

Though you have try'd that nothing's borne 

With greater ease than pubhc scorn. 

That all affronts do still give place 115 

To your impenetrable fa-'ie, 



PART III.— CANTO I. 181 

That makes your way through all affairs, 

As pigs through hedges creep with theirs ; 

Yet as 'tis counterfeit and brass, 

You must not tliink 'twill always pass ; 120 

For all impostors, when they're known, 

Are past their labour, and undone : 

And all the best that can befal 

An artificial natural, 

Is that which madmen find, as soon 125 

As once they're broke loose from the moon. 

And, proof against her influence, 

Relapse to e'er so little sense, 

To turn stark fools, and subjects fit 

For sport of boys, and rabble wit. 130 



PART III— CANTO I. 

The Kniglit and Squire resolve at onee 

The one the other to renounce • 

They both approach ihe Lady's bower, 

The Squire t' inform, the Kiii-jht to woo lier. 

She treats him with a masqmMade, 

By furies and hobgoblins made : 

From which the Squire conveys the Knight, 

And steals him from himself by night. 

'Trs true, no lover has that pow'r 

T' enforce a desperate amour. 

As he that has two strings t' his bow, 

And burns for love and money too ; 

For tlien he's brave and resolute, 5 

Disdains to render in his suit. 

Has all his flames and raptures double, ' 

And hangs or drowns with half the trouble ; 

While those wlio sillily pursue 

The simple, downright way, and true, 10 

Make as unlucky applications, 

And steer against tlie stream their pasaons. 

Some forge their mistresses of stars, 

And when the ladies prove averse. 

And more untoward to be won 15 

Than by Caligula tiie moon, 

1.5. Califfula wns one of the emperors of Rome, son 
ofGermanicusaiid Acrippiua. He would needs pass for 
a god, and had liie heads of tLi.e ancient statues of the 



182 HUDIBRAS. 

Cry out upon the stars, for doing 

111 offices to cross their wooing ; 

When only by themselves they're hind'red, 

For trusting those they made her kindred ; 20 

And still, the harsher and hide-bounder 

The damsels prove, become the fonder. 

For what mad lover ever dy'd 

To gain a soft and gentle bride ? 

Or for a lady tender-hearted, 26 

In purling streams or hemp departed? 

LeapM headlong int' Elysium, 

Through th' windows of a dazzling room ? 

But from some cross, ill-natur-d dame, 

The am'rous fly burnt in his flame. 30 

This to the Knight could be no news, 

With all mankind so much in use ; 

Who therefore took the wiser course, 

To make the most of his amours, 

Resolv'd to try all sorts of ways, 35 

As follows in due time and place. 

No sooner was the bloody fight 
Between the Wizard and the Knight, 
With all th' appurtenances, over, 
But he relaps'd again t' a lover ; 40 

As he was always wont to do. 
When h' had discomfited a foe ; 
And us'd the only antique philters, 
Deriv'd from old heroic tilters. 
But now, triumphant and victorious, 45 

He held th' achievement was too glorious 
For such a conqueror to meddle 
With petty constable or beadle ; 
Or fly for refuge to the hostess 
Of th' inns of court and chancery, Justice ; 50 
Who might, perhaps, reduce his cause 
To th' ordeal trial of the laws ; 
gods taken off, and his own placed on in their stead; 
and used to stand between the statues of Castor and 
Pollux to be woisliipped ; and often bragged of lying 
witii the moon. 

43. Philters were love potions, reported to be much 
in request in former ages ; but our triie knight-errant 
hero made use of no other but wliat his noble achieve- 
ments by his sword produced. 

52. Ordeal trial.s were, when supposed criminals, to 



PART III.— CANTO I. 183 

Where none escape, but such as branded 

With red-hot irons have past bare-lianded ; 

And, if they cannot read one verse 55 

r th' Psalms, must sing it, and that's worse. 

He therefore judging it below him 

To tempt a shame the devil might owe him, 

Resolved to leave the Squire for bail 

And mainprize for him to the gaol, 60 

To answer, with liis vessel, all 

That might disastrously befal ; 

And thought it now the fittest juncture 

To give the lady a rencounter ; 

T' acquaint her with his expedition, 65 

And conquest o'er the fierce magician ; 

Describe the manner of the fray. 

And shew the spoils he brought away ; 

His bloody scourging aggravate ; 

TJie number of his blows, and weight ; 70 

All which might probably succeed, 

And gain belief h' had done the deed ; 

Which he resolv'd t' enforce, and spare 

No pawning of his soul to swear ; 

But, rather than produce his back, 75 

To set his conscience on the rack ; 

And in pursuance of his urging 

Of articles perform'd and scourging, 

And all things else, upon his part, 

Demand deliv'ry of her heart, 80 

Her goods and chattels, and good graces. 

And person, up to his embraces. 

Thought he, the ancient errant knights 

Won all their ladies' hearts in fights ; 

And cut whole giants into fritters, 85 

To put them into amorous twitters ; 

Whose stubborn bowels scorn'd to yield 

Until their gallants were half kill'd ; 

But when their bones were drubb'd so sore 

They durst not woo one combat more, 90 

The ladies' hearts began to melt, 

Subdu'd by blows their lovers felt. 

discover their innocence, went over several red-hot 
coulter irons. These were generally such whose chaB« 
ttty was suspected, as the vestal virgins, <fec. 



184 HUDIBRAS. 

So Spanish heroes, with theii* lances, 

At once wound bulls and ladies' fancies, 

And he acquires the noblest spouse 95 

That widows g-reatest herds of cows : 

Then what may I expect to do, 

Wii'' Iiave queird so vast a buffalo? 

Meanwliile, the Squire was on his way 
The Knig-hfs late orders to obey ; 100 

Wiio sent him for a strong- detachment 
Of beadles, constables, and watchmen, 
T' attack the cunning-man, for plunder 

Committed falsely on his lumber ; 

When he, who had so lately sack'd 105 

The enemy, had done the fact ; 

Had rilled all his pokes and fobs 

Of g'riincracks, Avhims, and jiggumbobs, 

Which lie, by hook or crook, had gather'd, 

And for his own inventions fathered : 110 

And when they should, at gaol-delivery, 

Unriddle one another's thievery, 

Both might have evidence enough. 

To render neitlier halter-proof. 

He thought it desperate to tarry, 115 

And venture to be accessary ; 

But rather wisely slip his fetters, 

And leave them for the Knight, his betters. 

He caird to mind th' unjust, foul play 

He would have offer'd him that day, 120 

To make him curry his own hide, 

Which no beast evier did beside. 

Without all possible evasion. 

But of the riding dispensation; 

And therefore much about the hour 12i 

The Knight (for reasons told before) 

JUvsolv'd to leave them to the fury 

Of justice, and an unpack'd jury, 

03. The j^nuti" Spaniards signalize tlielr valour be- 
fore tlie Spatiihh ladies at bull-feasls, vvliich often prove 
very hazardous, and sometimes fatal to them. It is 
fjerinnned by attacking of a wild bull kept on purpose, 
and let loose at the combatant ; and he that kills most 
carries the laurel, and dwolls highest in the ladies" 
favour. 



PART IIL^CANTO I. 185 

The Squire concurr'd t' abandon him, 

And serve him in the self-same trim ; 130 

T' acquaint the lady what h' had done, 

And what he meant to carry on ; 

What project 'twas he went about. 

When Sidrophel and he fell out ; 

His firm and steadfast resolution, 135 

To swear her to an execution ; 

To pawn his inward ears to marry her, 

And bribe the devil himself to carry her ; 

In which both dwelt, as if they meant 

Their party-saints to represent, 140 

WJio never fail'd, upon their sharing 

In any prosperous arms-bearing, 

To lay themselves out to supplant 

Each other cousin German saint. 

But, ere the Knight could do his part, 145 

The Squire had got so much the start, 

H' had to the lady done his errand, 

And told her all his tricks aforehand. 

Just as he finish'd his report. 

The Knight alighted in the court ; 150 

And having ty'd his beast t' a pale, 

And taking time for both to stale, 

He put his band and beard in order. 

The sprucer to accost and board her : 

And now began t' approach the door, 155 

When she, wh' had spy'd him out before, 

Convey'd th' informer out of sight. 

And went to entertain the Knight ; 

With whom encount'ring, after longees 

Of humble and submissive congees, 160 

And all due ceremonies paid. 

He strok'd his beard, and thus he said : 

Madam, I do, as is my duty. 
Honour the shadow of your shoe-tie ; 
And now am come to bring your ear 165 

A present you'll be glad to hear : 
At least I hope so : the thing's done, 
Or may I never see the sun ; 

137. His exterior ears were gone before, and so out of 
daager ; but by inward ears is here meant his conscience. 



186 HUDIBRAS. 

For which I humbly now demand 
Performance at your gentle hand ; 170 

And that you'd please to do your part, 
As I have done mine, to my smart. 

With that he shrugg'd his sturdy back, 
As if he felt his shoulders ake. 

But she, who well enough knew what 175 
(Before he spoke) he would be at. 
Pretended not to apprehend 
The mystery of what he mean'd ; 
And therefore wishM him to expound 
His dark expressions less profound. 180 

Madam, quoth be, I come to prove 
How much I've suffer 'd for your love, 
Which (like your votary) to win, 
I have not spar'd my tatter'd skin ; 
And for those meritorious lashes, 185 

To claim your favour and good graces. 

Quoth she, I do remember once 
I freed you from th' enchanted sconce ; 
And that you promis'd, for that favour, 
To bind your back to good bchavioui, 190 

And, for my sake and service, vow'd 
To lay upon't a heavy load, 
And what 'twould bear t' a scruple prove, 
As other knights do oft make love ; 
Which whether you have done or no 195 I 

Concerns yourself, not me, to know ; 
But if you have, I shall confess 
Y' are honester than I could guess. 

Quoth he. If you suspect my troth, 
I cannot prove it but by oath ; 200 •] 

And if you make a question on't, 
I'll pawn my soul that I have done 't ; 
And he that makes his soul his surety, 
I think, does give the best security. 

Quoth she, Some say, the soul's secure 205 
Against distress and forfeiture ; 
Is free from action, and exempt 
From execution and contempt ; 
And to bo summon'd to appear 
In th' other world's illegal here ; 210 



PART III.— CANTO 1. 18? 

And therefore few make any account 

Inf what incumbrances they run 't: 

For most men carry things so even 

Between this world, and hell, and heaven, 

Without the least offence to either, 215 

They freely deal in all together ; 

And equally abhor to quit 

This world for both, or both for it ; 

And v»rhen they pawn and damn their souls. 

They are but prisoners on paroles. 220 

For that (quoth he) 'tis rational 
They may be accountable in all : 
For when there is that intercourse 
Between divine and human pow'rs, 
That all that we determine here 225 

Commands obedience every where ; 
When penalties may be commuted 
For fines, or ears, and executed, 
It follows, nothing binds so fast 
As souls in pawn and mortgage past ; 230 

For oaths are" th' only tests and seals 
Of right and wrong, and true and false ; 
And there's no other way to try 
The doubts of law and justice by. 

Quoth she. What is it you would swear .'' 235 
There's no believing till I hear ; 
For, till they're understood, all tales 
(Like nonsense) are not true nor false. 

Quoth he. When I resolv'd t' obey 
What you commanded th' other day, 240 

And to perform my exercise, 
(As schools are wont) for your fair eyes, 
T' avoid all scruples in the case, 
I went to do't upon the place : 
But as the Castle is enchanted 245 

By Sidrophel, the witch, and haunted 
With evil spirits, as you know, 
Who took my Squire and me for two, 
Before I'd hardly time to lay 
My weapons by, and disarray, 250 

I heard a formidable noise. 



188 HUDIBRAS. 

Loud as the Stentrophonic voice, 

That roar'd far off, Dispatch and strip, 

Pra ready with the infernal whip, 

That shall divest thy ribs from skin, 255 

To expiate thy ling'ring sin : 

Th' hast broken perfidiously thy oath, 

And not performed thy plighted troth ; 

But spar'd thy renegade back, 

Where th' hadst so great a prize at stake ; 260 

Which now the fates have order'd me 

For penance and revenge to flea, 

Unless thou presently make haste : 

Time is, time was : And there it ceas'd. 

With which, though startled, I confess, 265 

Yet th' horror of the thing was less 

Than th' other dismal apprehension 

Of interruption or prevention ; 

And therefore, snatching up the rod, 

I laid upon my back a load ; 270 

Resolv'd to spare no flesh and blood. 

To make my word and honour good ; 

Till tir'd, and making truce at length. 

For new recruits of breath and strength, 

I felt the blows still ply'd as fast 275 

As if th' had been by lovers plac'd, 

In raptures of Platonic lashing. 

And chaste contemplative bardashing ; 

When facing hastily about. 

To stand upon my guard and scout, 280 

I found th' infernal cunning-man, 

And th' under-witch, his Caliban, 

With scourges (like the furies) arm'd. 

That on my outward quarters storm'd. 

In haste I snatch'd my weapon up, 285 

And gave their hellish rage a stop ; 

Call'd thrice upon your name, and fell 

Courageously on Sidrophel ; 

252. A speaking trumpet, by which the voice may 
be heard at a great distance, very useful at sea. 

276. This alludes to some abject lechers, who used to 
be disciplined with amorous lashes by their mistresses. 



PART III.— CANTO I. 189 

Who now transform'd himself t' a bear, 
Began to roar aloud, and tear ; 290 

When I as furiously pressed on, 
My weapon down his throat to run ; 
Laid hold on him ; but he broke loose 
And turn'd himself into a goose ; 
DivM under water, in a pond, 295 

To hide himself from being found. 
In vain I sought him ; but, as soon 
As I perceiv'd him Hed and gone, 
Prepared with equal haste and rage. 
His under-sorcerer t' engage. 300 

But bravely scorning to defile 
My sword with feeble blood and vile, 
I judg'd it better from a quick- 
Set hedge to cut a knotted stick, 
"With which I furiously laid on, 305 

Till in a harsh and doleful tone. 
It roarM, O hold for pity, Sir: 
I am too great a sufferer, 
Abus'd, as you have been, b' a witch, 
But conjured into a worse caprich ; 310 

Who sends me out on many a jaunt, 
Old houses in the night to haunt. 
For opportunities t' improve 
Designs of thievery or love ; 
With drugs convey'd in drink or meat, 315 
All feats^of witches counterfeit; 
Kill pigs and geese with powder'd glass, 
And make it for enchantment pass ; 
Ayitli cow-itch meazle like a leper. 
And choke with fumes of Guinea pepper ; 320 
Make lechers, and their punks, with dewtry, 
Commit fantastical advowtry ; 
Bewitch Hermetic-men to run 
Stark staring mad with manicon ; 

323. Hermes Trismegistuf. an Egyptian philosopher, 
and said to have lived Anno Mundi 2076, in the reign of 
Ninus, after Moses. He was a wonderful philosopher, 
and proved thattherevvasbutoneGod, the creator of all 
thiiiss ; and was the author of several most excellent and 
useful inventions. But those Hermetic-men here men- 
tioned, though the pretended sectators of this great man, 
are nothing else biU a wild and extravagant sort of en- 



190 HUDIBRAS. 

Believe mechanic virtuosi 325 

Can raise 'em mountains in Potosi ; 

And, sillier than the antic fools, 

Take treasure for a heap of coals ; 

Seek out for plants with signatures, 

To quack of universal cures ; 330 

With figures ground on panes of glass 

Made people on their heads to pass ; 

And miglity heaps of coin increase, 

lleflected from a single piece. 

To draw in fools, whose nafral itches 335 

Incline perpetually to witches ; 

And keep me in continual fears. 

And danger of my neck and ears ; 

When loss delinquents have been scourgM, 

And liemp on wooden anvil forg'd, 340 

Which others for cravats have worn 

About their necks and took a turn. 

I pity'd the sad punishment 
The wretched caitiff underwent, 
And left my drubbing of his bones, 345 

Too great an honour for poltroons ; 
For kniglits are bound to feel no blows 
From paltry and unequal foes, 
Who, when they slash, and cut to pieces, 
Tio all with civilest addresses : 350 

Their horses never give a blow, 
But when they make a leg, and bow. • 
T therefore spar'd his flesh, and prest hira 
About the witch with many a question. 

Quoth he. For many years he drove 355 

A kind of broking-trade in love ; 
]']mploy'd in all th' intrigues and trust 
Of feeble, speculative lust : 
Procurer to th' extravagancy 
And crazy ribaldry of fancy, 360 

]Jy those the devil had forsook. 
As things below him to provoke. 

ihusiasts, who make a hodge-podge of religion and phi- 
losophy, and produce nothing but what is the object of 
every considering person's contempt. 

326. Potosi is a city of Peru, the mountains whereof af- 
ford great quantities of Uie finest silver in ail the Indies. 



PART III.— CANTO I. 191 

But b'ing a virtuoso, able 

To smatter, quack, and cant, and dabble, 

He held his talent most adroit 365 

For any mystical exploit ; 

As others of his tribe had done, 

And raisM their prices three to one : 

For one predicting pimp has th' odds 

Of chaldrons of plain downright bawds. 370 

But as an elf (the deviFs valet) 

Is not so slight a thing to get ; 

For those that do his bus'ness best, 

In hell are us'd the ruggedest ; 

Before so meriting a person 375 

Could get a grant, but in reversion, 

He serv'd two 'prenticeships, and longer, 

I' th' mystVy of a lady-monger. 

For (as some write) a witch's ghost. 

As soon as from the body loos'd, 380 

Becomes a puny imp itself. 

And is another witch's elf: 

He, after searching far and near, 

At length found one in Lancashire, 

With whom he bargain'd before-hand, 385 

And, after hanging, entertain'd : 

Since which h' has play'd a thousand feats. 

And practis'd all mechanic cheats ; 

Transform'd himself to th' ugly shapes 

Of wolves and bears, baboons and apes, 390 

Which he has vary'd more than witches. 

Or Pharoah's wizards, could their switches ; 

And all with whom he has to do, 

Turn'd to as monstrous figures too : 

Witness myself, whom h' has abus'd, 395 

And to this beastly shape reduc'd, 

By feeding me on beans and peas. 

He crams in nasty crevices, 

And turns to comfits by his arts. 

To make me relish for deserts, 400 

And one by one, with shame and fear, 

Lick up the candy'd provender. 

Beside But as he was running on. 

To tell what otiicr feats h' had done, 



192 HUDIBRAS. 

The lady stopt his full career, 405 

And told hhii now 'twas time to hear : 

If half those things (said she) be true — 

They're all, (quoth he,) I swear by you. 

Why then (said she,) that Sidrophel 

Has damn'd himself to th' pit of hell ; 410 

Who, mounted on a broom, the nag 

And hackney of a Lapland hag, 

In quest of you came hither post, 

Within an hour (I am sure) at most ; 

Who told me all you swear and say, 415 

Quite contrary another v/ay ; 

Vow'd that you came to him to know 

If you should carry me or no ; 

And would have hir'd him, and his imps, 

To be your match-makers and pimps, 420 

T' engage the devil on your side, 

And steal (like Proserpine) your bride. 

But he disdaining to embrace 

So filthy a design and base. 

You fell to vapouring and huffing, 425 

And drew upon him like a ruffian ; 

Surprised him meanly, unprepard. 

Before li' had time to mount his guard ; 

And left him dead upon the ground, 

With many a bruise and desperate wound : 430 

Swore you had broke and robb'd his house, 

And stole his talismanique louse, 

And all his new-found old inventions. 

With flat felonious intentions ; 

Which he could bring out where he had, 435 

And what he bought them for, and paid. 

His flea, his raorpion, and punaise, 

H' had gotten for his proper ease ; 

And all in perfect minutes made. 

By th' ablest artists of the trade, 440 

Which (he could prove it) since he lost, 

He has been eaten up almost ; 

And altogether might amount 

To many hundreds on account ; 

For whicli h' liad got sufficient warrant 445 

To seize the malefactors errant, 



PART III.— CANTO I. 103 

Without capacity of bail, 

5ut of a carfs or horse's tail ; 

And did not doubt to bring- the wretches 

To serve for pendulums to watches ; 450 

Which modern virtuosos say, 

Incline to hanging- every way. 

Beside, he swore, and swore 'twas true, 

That, ere he went m quest of you, 

He set a figure to discover 455 

If you were fled to Rye or Dover; 

And found it clear, that, to betray 

Yourselves and me, you fled this way ; 

And that he was upon pursuit, 

To take you somewhere hereabout, 460 

He vow'd he had intelligence 

Of all that pass'd before and since ; 

And found, that ere you came to him, 

Y' had been engaging life and limb 

About a case of tender conscience. 465 

Where both abounded in your own sense ; 

Till Ralpho, by his light and grace, 

Had cleared all scruples in the case, 

And prov'd that you might swear and own 

Whatever's by the wicked done ; 470 

For which, most basely to requite 

The service of his gifts and light. 

You strove t' oblige him, by main force, 

To scourge his ribs instead of yours ; 

But that he stood upon his guard, 475 

And all your vapouring out-dar'd ; 

For which, between you both, the feat 

Has never been performed as yet. 

While thus the Lady talk'd, the Knight 
Turn'd th' outside of his eyes to white, 480 
(As men of inward light are wont 
To turn their optics in upon't) 
He wonder'd how she came to know 
What he had done and meant to do ; 
Held up his affidavit hand, 485 

As if h' had been to be arraigned ; 
Cast t'wards the door a ghastly look, 
In dread of Sidrophel, and spoke : 
K 



194 HUDIBRAS. 

Madam, if but one word be true 
Of all the wizard has told you, 490 

Or but one single circumstance 
In all th' apocryphal romance, 
May dreadful earthquakes swallow down 
This vessel, that is all your own ; 
Or may the heavens fall, and cover 495 

These reliques of your constant lover. 

You have provided well, quoth she, 
(I thank you) for yourself and me. 
And shewn your Presbyterian wits 
Jump punctual with the Jesuits ; 500 

A most compendious way, and civil. 
At once to cheat the world, the devil. 
And heaven and hell, yourselves, and those 
On whom you vainly think t' impose. 
Why then (quoth he) may hell surprise — 505 
That trick (said she) will not pass twice ; 
I've learn'd how far I'm to believe ■ 
Your pinning oaths upon your sleeve. 
But there's a better way of clearing 
What you would prove than downright swear- 
For if you have perform'd the feat, [ing 

The blows are visible as yet. 
Enough to serve for satisfaction 
Of nicest scruples in the action : 
And if you can produce those knobs, 515 

Although they're but the witch's drubs, 
I'll pass them all upon account. 
As if your natural self had done 't ; 
Provided that they pass th' opinion 
Of able juries of old women, 520 

Who, us'd to judge all matter of facts 
For bellies, may do so for backs. 

Madam, (quoth he) your love's a million; 
To do is less than to be willing, 
As 1 am, were it in my power, 525 

T' obey what you command, and more ; 
But for performing what you bid, 
I thank you 's much as if I did. - 
Vou know I ought to have a care 
To keep my wuunds from taking air ; 530 



PART III.— CANTO I. 195 

For wounds in those that are all heart, 
Are dangerous in any part. 

I jSnd (quoth she) my goods and chattels 
Are like to prove but mere drawn battels ; 
•For still the longer we contend, 535 

*We are but farther off the end. 
But granting now we should agree, 
What is it you expect from me .'' 
Your pliglited faith (quoth he) and word 
You past in heaven on record, 540 

Where all contracts, to have and t' hold, 
Are everlastingly enroU'd : 
And if 'tis counted treason here 
To raze records, 'tis much more there. 

Quoth she, There are no bargains driv'n, 545 
Nor marriages clappM up in heaven. 
And that's the reason, as some guess. 
There is no heav'n in marriages ; 
Two things that naturally press 
Too narrowly to be at ease. 550 

Their business there is only love. 
Which marriage is not like t' improve 
Love, that's too generous to abide 
To be against its nature ty'd ; 
For where 'tis of itself inclin'd, 555 

It breaks loose when it is confin'd ; 
And like the soul, its harbourer, 
Debarr'd the freedom of the air. 
Disdains against its will to stay. 
But struggles out, and flies away ; 560 

And therefore never can comply 
T' endure the matrimonial tie, 
That binds the female and the male. 
Where th' one is but the other's bail ; 
Like Roman jailers, when they slept, 565 

Chain'd to the prisoners they kept; 
Of which the true and faithfull'st lover 
Gives best security to suffer. 
Marriage is but a beast, some say, 
That carries double in foul way ; 570 

And therefore 'tis not to b' admir'd 
It should so suddenly be tir'd ; 



196 HUDIBRAS. 

A bargain at a venture made. 

Between two partners in a trade ; 

(For what's inferred by t' have and t' hold, 575 

But something- past away, and sold?) 

That, as it makes but one of two, " 

Reduces all things else as low, * 

And, at the best, is but a mart 

Betv/een the one and th' other part, 580 

That on the marriage-day is paid, 

Or hour of deatli. the bet is laid; 

And all the rest of better or worse, 

Both are but losers out of purse ; 

For when upon their ungot heirs 585 

Th'' entail themselves, and all that's theirs, 

What blinder bargain e'er was driv'n. 

Or wager laid at six and seven ? 

To pass themselves away, and turn 

Their children's tenants ere they're born? 590 

Beg one another idiot 

To guardians, ere they are begot ; 

Or ever shall, perhaps, by th' one 

Who's bound to vouch 'em for his own, 

Though got b' implicit generation, 595 

And gen'ral club of all the nation ; 

For which she's fortify'd no less 

Than all the island, with four seas ; 

Exacts the tribute of her dower. 

In ready insolence and power; 600 

And makes him pass away, to have 

And hold, to her, himself, her slave. 

More wretched than an ancient villain, 

Condemn'd to drudgery and tilling ; 

While all he does upon the by, 605 

She is not bound to justify. 

Nor at her proper cost and charge 

Maintain the feats he does at large. 

Such hideous sots were those obedient 

Old vassals to their ladies regent, 610 

To give the cheats the eldest hand 

In foul play by the laws o' th' land ; 

603. Villainage was an ancient tenure, by wliich the 
enants were obliged to perform the most abject and 
Blavish services for their lords. 



I 



PART III.— CANTO I. 197 

For which so many a legal cuckold 

Has been run down in courts and truckled ; 

A law that most unjustly yokes 615 

All Johns of Stiles to Joans of Noakes, 

Without distinction of degree, 

Condition, age, or quality ; 

Admits no power of revocation, 

Nor valuable consideration, 620 

Nor writ of error, nor reverse 

Of judgment past, for better or worse : 

Will not allow the privileges 

That beggars challenge under hedges, [horses 

Who, wlien they're griev'd, can make dead 

Their spiritual judges of divoi'ces ; 626 

While nothing else but Rem in Re 

Can set the proudest wretches free ; 

A slavery beyond enduring. 

But that 'tis of their own procuring. 630 

As spiders never seek the fly. 

But leave him, of himself, t' apply, 

So men are by themselves employ'd. 

To quit the freedom they enjoy M, 

And run their necks into a noose, 635 

They'd break 'em after to break loose ; 

As some, whom death would not depart, 

Have done the feat themselves by art ; 

Like Indian widows, gone to bed 

In flaming curtains to the dead ; 640 

And men as often dangled for't, 

And yet will never leave the sport. 

Nor do the ladies want excuse 

For all the stratagems they use 

To gain th' advantage of the set, 645 

And lurch the amorous rook and cheat : 

For as the Pythagorean soul 

Runs through all beasts, and fish, and fowl, 

639. The Indian women, richly attired, are carried In 
a splendid and pompous machine to the funeral pile 
where the bodies of their deceased husbands are to be 
consumed, and their voluntarily throw themselves into 
it, and expire ; and such as refuse their virtue is ever 
after suspected, and they live in the utmost contempt. 

647. It was the opinion of Pythagoras and his follow 



198 HUDIBRAS. 

And has a smack of evVy one, 

So love does, and has ever done ; 650 

And therefore, though 'tis ne'er so fond, 

Takes strangely to the vagabond. 

'Tis but an ague that's reverst. 

Whose hot fit takes the patient first, 

That after burns with cold as much 655 

As ir'n in Greenland does the touch ; 

Melts in the furnace of desire 

Like glass, that's but the ice of fire ; 

And w^hen his heat of fancy's over, 

Becomes as hard and frail a lover : 660 

For when he's with love-powder laden, 

And prim'd and cock'd by Miss or Madam, 

The smallest sparkle of an eye 

Gives fire to his artillery. 

And off the loud oaths go ; but, while 665 

They're in the very act, recoil. 

Hence 'tis so few dare take their chance 

Without a sep'rate maintenance ; 

And widows, who have try'd one lover, 

Trust none again, 'till th' have made over ; 670 

Or if they do, hefore they marry. 

The foxes weigh the geese they carry ; 

And ere they venture o'er a stream. 

Know how to seize themselves and them ; 

Whence wittiest ladies always choose 675 

To undertake the heaviest goose : 

For now the world is grown so wary, 

That few of either sex dare marry. 

But rather trust on tick t' amours, 

The cross and pile for better or worse ; 680 

A mode that is held honourable. 

As well as French, and fashionable ; 

For when it falls out for the best. 

Where both are incommoded least, 

In soul and body two unite, 685 

To make up one hermaphrodite, 

ers, that the soul transmigrated (as they termed it) into 
all the diverse species of animals ; and so was differ- 
ently disposed and affected, according to their different 
natures and constitutions. 



J 



PART III.— CANTO I. 199 

Still amorous, and fond, and billing, 

Like Philip and Mary on a shilling. 

Th' have more punctilios and capriches 

Between the petticoat and breeches, 690 

More petulant extravagances, 

Than poets make "cm in romances, 

Though when their heroes 'spouse the dames, 

We hear no moreeof charms and flames : 

For then their late attracts decline, 695 

And turn as eager as prick'd wine ; 

And all their caterwauling tricks, 

In earnest too as jealous piques : 

Which th' ancients wisely signify''d 

By th'' yellow mantuas of the bride * 700 

For jealousy is but a kind 

Of clap and grincam of the mind, 

The natural effects of love, 

As other flames and aches do prove ; 

But all the mischief is the doubt 705 

On whose account they first broke out. 

For though Chineses go to bed, 

And lie in, in their ladies' stead, 

And, for the pains they took before, 

Are nurs'd and pamperM to do more ; 710 

Our green-men do it worse, when th' hap 

To fall in labour of a clap : 

Both lay the child to one another ; 

But who's the father, who the mother, 

'Tis hard to say in multitudes, 71 5 

Or who imported the French goods. 

But health and sickness b'ing all one, 

Which both engag'd before to own, 

And are not with their bodies bound 

To worship only when they're sound, 720 

Both give and take their equal shares 

Of all they suffer by false wares ; 

A fate no lover can divert 

With all his caution, wit, and art ; 

707. The Chinese men of quality, when their wives 
are brought to bed, are nursed and tended with as much 
care as women here, and are supplied with the best 
strengthening and nourishing diet, in order to qualify 
them for future services. 



§00 HUDIBRAS. 

For 'tis in vain to think to guess 725 

At women by appearances, 

That paint and patch their imperfections 

Of intellectual complexions, 

And daub their tempers o'er with washes 

As artificial as their faces ; 730 

Wear under vizard-masks their talents, 

And mother-wits before their gallants, 

Until they're hamper'd in the noose, 

Too fast to dream of breaking loose ; 

When all the flaws they strove to hide 735 

Are made unready with the bride. 

That with her wedding-clothes undresses 

Her complaisance and gentilesses ; 

Tries all her arts to take upon her 

The government from th' easy owner ; 740 

Until the wretch is glad td waive 

His lawful right, and turn her slave ; 

Find all his having and his holding 

Reduc'd t' eternal noise and scolding ; 

The conjugal petard that tears 745 

Down all portcullisses of ears. 

And makes the volley of one tongue 

For all their leathern shields too strong ; 

When only arm'd with noise and nails, 

The female silk-worms ride the males, 750 

Transform 'em into rams and goats. 

Like Sirens, with their charming notes ; 

Sweet as a screech-owl's serenade. 

Or those enchanting murmurs made 

By th' husband mandrake and the wife, 755 

Both bury'd (like themselves) ahve. 

Quoth he. These reasons are but strains 
Of wanton, overheated brains, 

751 The Sirens, according to the poets, were three 
sea-monsters, half women and lialfflsh; their namea 
were Parthenope, Lignea, and Lencosia. Their usual' 
residence was about the island of Sicily, where, by the 
charming melody of their voices, they used to detain 
those that heard them, and then transform them into 
Bome sort of brute animals. 

755. Naturalists report, that if a male and female 
mandrake lie near each other, there will often be heard 

sort of murmuring noise. 



PART III.— CANTO I. 201 

Which ralliers, in their wit, or drink, 

Do rather wheedle with than think. 760 

Man was not man in paradise. 

Until he was created twice. 

And had his better half, his bride, 

Carv'd from the original, his side, 

T' amend his natural defects, 765 

And perfect his recruiting sex ; 

Erdarge his breed at once, and lessen 

The pains and labour of increasing, 

By changing them for other cares, 

As by his dry'd up paps appears. 770 

His body, that stupendous frame, 

Of all the world the anagram, 

Is of two equal parts compact, 

In shape and symmetry exact. 

Of which the left and female side 775 

Is to the manly right a bride ; 

Both join'd together with such art, 

That nothing else but death can part. 

Those heav'nly attracts of yours, your eyes, 

And face that all the world surprise, 780 

That dazzle all that look upon ye. 

And scorch all other ladies tawny ; 

Those ravishing and charming graces 

Are all made up of two half faces. 

That in a mathematic line, 785 

Like those in other heavens, join. 

Of which if either grew alone, 

'T would fright as much to look upon : 

And so would that sw^eet bud your lip. 

Without the other's fellowship. 790 

Our noblest senses act by pairs ; 

Two eyes to see ; to hear, two ears ; 

Th' intelligencers of the mind, 

To wait upon the soul design'd ; 

But those tliat serve the body alone, 795 

Are single, and confined to one. 

The world is but two parts, that meet 

And close at th' equinoctial fit ; 

797. Tlie equin&'-lial divides the globe into north 
and soiuli. 

K2 



202 HUDIBRAS. 

And so are all the works of Nature, 

Stamped with her signature on matter ; 800 

Which all her creatures, to a leaf, 

Or smallest blade of i>Tass, receive ; 

All which sufficiently declare 

How entirely marriage is her care,— - 

The only method that she uses 805 

In all the wonders she produces : 

And tliose that take their rules from her 

Can never be deceiv'd nor err. 

For what secures the civil life, 

But pawns of children, and a wife ? 810 

That lie like hostages at stake, 

To pay for all men undertake ; 

To whom it is as necessary 

As to be born and breathe, and marry ; 

So universal, all mankind 815 

In nothing else is of one mind. 

For in what stupid age, or nation, 

Was marriage ever out of fashion? 

Unless among the Amazons, 

Or cloistered friars, and vestal nuns ; 820 

Or Stoics, who, to bar the freaks 

And loose excesses of the sex, 

Preposfrously would have all women 

Turned up to all the world in common. 

Though men would find such mortal feuds, 825 

In sharing of their public goods, 

'Twould put them to more charge of lives, 

Than they're supply'd with now by wives ; 

Until they graze, and wear their clothes, 

As beasts do, of their native growths : 830 

For simple wearing of their horns 

Will not suffice to serve their turns. 

For what can we pretend to inherit, 

Unless the marriage-deed will bear it .'' 

819. The Amazons were women of Scytliia, of heroic 
and great achievements. They suffered no men to live 
among them ; but once every year used to have conver- 
sation with men of the neighbouring countries, by wliicli 
if they had a male child, they presently either killed or 
crippled it ; but if a female, they brought it up to the use 
of aims, and burnt off one breast, leaving tlie otlier to 
Buclile girls. 



PART III.— CANTO I. 203 

Could claim no right to lands or rents, 835 

But for our parents' settlements ; 

Had been but younger sons o' th' earth. 

Debarred it all, but for our birth. 

What honours, or estates of peers. 

Could be preserved but by their heirs 'i 840 

And what security maintains 

Their right and title, but the bans ? 

What crowns could be hereditary. 

If greatest monarchs did not marry. 

And with their consorts consummate 845 

Their weightiest interests of state? 

For all the amours of princes are 

But guarantees of peace or war. 

Or what but marriage has a charm 

The rage of empires to disarm, 850 

Make blood and desolation cease. 

And fire and sword unite in peace, 

When all their fierce contests for forage 

Conclude in articles of marriage ? 

Nor does the genial bed provide 855 

Less for the int'rests of the bride ; 

Who else had not the least pretence 

T' as much as due benevolence ; 

Could no more title take upon her 

To virtue, quahty, and honour, 860 

Than ladies-errant unconfiu'd. 

And feme-coverts to all mankind. 

All women would be of one piece. 

The virtuous matron and the miss; 

The nymphs of chaste Diana's train, 865 

The same witli those in Lewkner's Lane, 

But for the difference marriage makes 

'Twixt wives and ladies of the lakes ; 

Besides the joys of place and birth. 

The sex's paradise on earth ; 870 

A privilege so sacred held. 

That none will to their mothers yield ; 

865. Diana's nymphs, all of whom vowed perpetual 
virginity, and were much celebrated for the exact ob 
servation of their vow. 

866. Lewkner's Lane some years ago swarmed with 
notoriously lascivious and profligate strumpets. 



204 HUDIBRAS. 

But rather than not go before, 

Abandon heaven at the door. 

And if th' indulgent law allows 875 

A greater freedom to the spouse, 

The reason is, because the wife 

Runs greater hazards of her life ; 

Is trusted with the form and matter 

Of all mankind by careful Nature : 880 

Where man brings nothing but the stuff 

She frames the v/ondrous fabric of; 

Who therefore, in a strait, may freely 

Demand the clergy of her belly, 

And make it save iier the same way 885 

It seldom misses to betray ; 

Unless both parties wisely enter 

Into the liturgy indenture. 

And though some fits of small contest 

Sometimes fall out among the best, 890 

I'hat is no more than ev'ry lover 

Does from his hackney-lady suffer : 

That makes no breach of faith and love. 

But rather (sometimes) serves t' improve. 

r'or as, in running, ev'ry pace 895 

Is but between two legs a race, 

In which both do their uttermost 

To get before, and win the post. 

Yet when they're at their race's ends, 

They're still as kind and constant friends, 900 

And, to relieve their weariness, 

By turns give one another ease ; 

So all those false alarms of strife 

Between the husband and the wife. 

And little quarrels, often prove 905 

To be but new recruits of love ; 

When those wh' are always kind or coy, 

In time must either tire or cloy. 

Nor are their loudest clamours more 

Tlian as they're relislfd sweet or sour ; 910 

Like music, that proves bad or good. 

According as 'tis understood. 

877. Demanding the clergy of her belly, which, for 
Jlie reason al'oresaifl is pleaded in excuse by those who 
Jake the liberty to oblige themselves and friends. 



PART m.— CANTO I. 205 

In all amours, a lover bums 

Witli frowns as well as smiles by turns ; 

And hearts have been as oft with sullen 915 

As charming looks surprised and stolen. 

Then why should more bewitching clamour 

Some lovers not as much enamour? 

For discords make j,he sweetest airs, 

And curses are a kind of prayers ; 920 

Too slight alloys for all those grand 

Felicities by marriage gain'd. 

For nothing else has powV to settle 

Th' interests of love perpetual ; 

An act and deed, that makes one heart 925 

Become another's counterpart, 

And passes fines on faith and love, 

Enroird and registered above, 

To seal the slippery knots of vows, 

Which nothing else but death can loose. 930 

And what security's too strong. 

To guard the gentle heart from wrong. 

That to its friend is glad to pass 

Itself away, and all it has; 

And, like an anchorite, gives over 935 

This world for th' heaven of a lover ? 

I grant (quoth she there are some few 
Who take that course, and find it true ; 
But millions wliom the same doth sentence 
To heav'n b' another way — repentance. 940 
Love's arrows are but shot at rovers. 
Though all they hit they turn to lovers ; 
And all the weighty consequents 
Depend upon more blind events 
Than gamesters, when they play a set 945 
With greatest cunning at piquet, 
Put out with caution, but take in 
They know not what, unsight, unseen. 
For what do lovers, when they're fast 
In one another's arms embrac'd, 950 

But strive to plunder, and convey 
Each other, hke a prize, away? 
To change the property of selves. 
As sucking children are by elves ? 



206 HUDIBRAS. 

And if they use their persons so, 955 

What will they to their fortunes do ? 

Their fortunes ! the perpetual aims 

Of all their ecstasies and flames, ' 

For when the money's on the book, 

And, All my worldly goods — but spoke 960 

(The formal livery and seisin 

That puts the lover in possession,) 

To that alone the bridegroom's wedded ; 

The bride a flam thafs superseded : 

To that their faith is still made good, 965 

And all the oaths to us they vow'd : 

For when we once resign our pow'rs, 

W have nothing left we can call ours : 

Our money's now become the Miss 

Of all your lives and services ; 970 

And we, forsaken and postponed. 

But bawds to what before we own'd ; 

Which, as it made y • at first gallant us, 

So now hires others to supplant us, 

Until 'tis all turned out of doors 975 

(As we had been) for new amours : 

For what did ever heiress yet 

By being born to lordships get ? 

When the more lady sh' is of manors. 

She's but expos'd to more trepanners, 980 

Pays for their projects and designs. 

And for her own destruction fines ; 

And does but tempt ihem with her riches, 

To use her as the dev'l docs witches ; 

Who takes it for a special grace 

To be their cully for a space. 

That when the time's expir'd, the drazels 

For ever may become his vassals : 

So she, bewitch'd by rooks and spirits. 

Betrays herself and all sh' inherits : 990 

Is bought and sold like stolen goods, 

By pimps, and matcli-makers, and bawds, 

Until they force her to convey, 

And steal the thief himself away. 

Tiiese are the everlasting fruits - 995 

Of all your passionate love-suits, 



i 



PART III.— CANTO I. 207 

Th' effects of all your amorous fancies 

To portions and inheritances ; 

Your love-sick rapture for fruition 

Of dowry, jointure, and tuition ; 1000 

To which you make address and courtship, 

And with your bodies strive to worship, 

That th' infants' fortunes may partake 

Of love too, for the mother's sake. 

For these you play at purposes, 1005 

And love your loves with A's and B's. 

For these at Beste and L'Ombre woo, 

And play for love and money too ; 

Strive who shall be the ablest man 

At right gallanting of a fan ; 1010 

And who the most genteelly bred 

At sucking of a vizard-bead ; 

How best t' accost us in all quarters, 

T' our question-and-command new Garters ; 

And solidly discourse upon 1015 

All sorts of dresses pro and con ; 

For there's no mystery nor trade, 

But in the art of love is made ; 

And when you have more debts to pay 

Than Michaelmas and Lady-Day, 1020 

And no way possible to do 't. 

But love and oaths, and restless suit, 

To us y' apply to pay the scores 

Of all your cully'd past amours ; 

Act o'er your flames and darts again, 1025 

And charge us with your wounds and pain ; 

Which others' influences long since 

Have charm'd your noses with, and shins ; 

For which the surgeon is unpaid. 

And like to be, without our aid. 1030 

Lord ! what an am'rous tiling is want I 

How debts and mortgages enchant ! ■ 

What graces must that lady have 

That can from executions save ! 

What charms that can reverse extent, 1035 

And null decree and exigent ! 

What magical attracts and graces. 

That can redeem from scire facias I 



208 HUDIBRAS. 

From bonds and statutes can discharge, 

And from contempts of court enlarge ! 1040 

These are the highest excellencies 

Of all your true or false pretences; 

And you would damn yourselves, and swear 

As much t' an hostess dowager, 

Grown fat and pursy by retail 1045 

Of pots of beer and bottled ale, 

And find her fitter for your turn, 

For fat is wondrous apt to burn ; 

Who at your flames would soon take fire, 

Relent, and melt to your desire, 1050 

And, like a candle in the socket, 

Dissolve her graces int' your pocket. 

By this time 'twas grown dark and late, 
When th' heard a knocking at the gate, 
Laid on in haste, with such a powder, 1055 
The blows grew louder still and louder ; 
Which Hudibras, as if th'.had been, 
Bestowed as freely on his skin, 
Expounding by his inward light, 
Or rather more prophetic fright, 1060 

To be the wizard, come to search, 
And take him napping in the lurch, 
Turn''d pale as ashes, or a clout. 
But why or wherefore is a doubt ; 
For men will tremble, and turn paler, 1065 
With too much or too little valour. 
His heart laid on, as if it try'd 
To force a passage through his side, 
Impatient (as he vow'd) to wait 'em, 
But in a fury to fly at 'em ; 1070 

And therefore beat, and laid about. 
To find a cranny to creep out. 
But she, who saw in what a taking 
The Knight was by his furious quaking, 
Undaunted cry'd, Courage, Sir Knight! 1075 
Know, Tm resolv'd to break no rite 
Of hospitality t' a stranger; 
But to secure you out of danger, 
Will here myself stand sentinel, 
To guard this pass 'gainst Sidrophel, 1080 



PART III.— CANTO I. 209 

Women, you know, do seldom fail 

To make the stoutest men turn tail : 

And bravely scorn to turn their backs 

Upon the despVatest attacks. 

At this the Knight grew resolute 1085 

As Ironside and Hardiknute : 

His fortitude began to rally, 

And out he cry'd aloud to sally, 

But she besought him to convey 

His courage rather out o' th' way, 1090 

And lodge in ambush on the floor, 

Or fortify 'd behind a door ; 

That if the enemy should enter, ' 

He might relieve her in th' adventure. 

Meanwhile they knocked against the door 
As fierce as at the gate before, 1096 

Which made the renegade Knight 
Relapse again t' his former fright. 
He thought it desperate to stay 
Till th' enemy had forc'd his way, 1100 

But rather post himself, to serve 
The lady, for a fresh reserve. 
His duty was not to dispute. 
But what sh' had order'd execute ; 
Which he resolv'd in haste t'obey, 1105 

And therefore stoutly march'd away ; 
And all h' encounter'd fell upon, 
Though in the dark, and all alone ; 
Till fear, that braver feats performs 
Than ever courage dar'd in arms, 1110 

Had drawn him up before a pass. 
To stand upon his guard and face ; 
This he courageously invaded. 
And having enter'd, barricado'd, 
Insconc'd himself as formidable 1115 

As could be underneath a table. 
Where he lay down in ambush close, 
T' expect th' arrival of his foes. 
Few minutes he had lain perdue, 
To guard his desp'rate avenue, 1 120 

1086. Two famous and valiant princes of tliis coun- 
try ; the one a Saxon, the other a Dane 



210 HUDIBRAS. 

Before he heard a dreadful shout, 

As loud as putth:ig' to the rout, 

With which impatiently alaririM, 

He fancy 'd th' enemy had storm 'd, 

And, after cnt 'ring, Sidrophel 1125 

Was falfn upon the guards pell-mell : 

He therefore sent out all his senses, 

To bring him in intelligences, 

Which vulgars out of ignorance, 

Mistake for falling in a trance ; 1130 

But those who trade in geomancy. 

Affirm to be the strength of fancy ; 

In which the Lapland Magi deal, 

And things incredible reveal. 

Meanwhile the foe beat up his quarters, 1135 

And storm'd the outworks of his fortress : 

And as another of the same 

Degree and party, in arms and fame, 

That in the same cause had ^ngag'd, 

And war with equal conduct wag'd, ] 140 

By venfring only but to thrust 

His head a span beyond his post, 

B' a gen'ral of the cavaliers 

Was dragged thro' a window by the ears ; 

So he was serv'd in his redoubt, 1145 

And by the other end puU'd out. 

Soon as they had him at their mercy, 
They put him to the cudgel fiercely, 
As if they'd scorn to trade or barter, 
By giving or by taking quarter : 1150 

They stoutly on his quarters laid. 
Until his scouts came in t' his aid ; 
For when a man is past his sense. 
There's no way to reduce him thence, 
But twinging him by th' ears or nose, 1155 
Or laying on of heavy blows 

1131. Tlie Lapland Magi. The Laplanders are an 
idolatrous people, far nortli ; and it is very credibly re- 
ported by authors and persons that have travelled in 
iheir country, that tliey do perform things incredible by 
what is vulgarly called magic. 



PART III.— CANTO I. 211 

And if that will not do the deed, 

To burning with liot irons proceed. 

No sooner was he come t' himself, 

But on his neck a sturdy elf 1160 

ClappM, in a trice, his cloven hoof, 

And thus attack'd him with reproof: 

Mortal, thou art betray 'd to us 
B' our friend, thy 'Evil Gentus, 
Who, for thy horrid perjuries, 1165 

Thy breach of faith, and turning lies. 
The brethren''s privilege (against 
The wicked) on themselves, the saints, 
Has here thy wretched carcass sent 
For just revenge and punishment ; 1170 

Which thou hast now no way to lessen. 
But by an open free confession ; 
For if we catch thee failing once, 
'Twill fall the heavier on thy bones. 

What made thee venture to betray, 1175 
And filch the lady's heart away.'' 
To spirit her to matrimony ? — 
That which contracts all matches — money, 
It was th' enchantment of her riches 
That made m' apply t' your crony witches, 1180 
That, in return, would pay th' expense, 
The wear and tear of conscience; 
Which I could have patch'd up, and turn'd. 
For th' hundredth part of what I earn'd. 

Didst thou not iove her, then ? Speak true. 
No more (quoth he) than I love you. — 1186 
How would'st th' have us'd her, and her money? 
First turn'd her up to alimony. 
And laid hor dowry out in law, 
To null her jointure with a flaw, 1190 

Which I before-hand had agreed 
T' have put, on purpose in the deed ; 
And bar her widow's making over 
T' a friend in trust, or private lover. 

What made thee pick and choose her out, 
T' employ their sorceries about ? — 1196 

That which makes gamesters play with those 
Who have least wit, and most to lose. 

1158. An allusion to cauterizing in apoplexies, &c 



212 HUDIBRAS. 

But didst thou scourge thy vessel thus, 
As thou hast damn'd thyself to va ? 1200 

I see you take me for an ass : 
'Tis true, I thought the trick would pass 
Upon a woman well enough, 
As 't has been often found by proof; 
Whose humours are not to be won, 1205 

But when they are imposM upon: 
For love approves of all they do 
That stand for candidates, and woo. 

Why didst thou forge those shameful lies 
Of bears and witches in disguise? 1210 

That is no more than authors give 
The rabble credit to believe ; 
A trick of following their leaders. 
To entertain their gentle readers : 
And we have now no other way 1215 

Of passing all we do or say ; 
Which, when 'tis natural and true, 
Will be believed b' a very few, 
Beside the danger of offence, 
The fatal enemy of sense. 1220 

Why didst thou choose that cursed sin, 
Hypocrisy, to set up in ? 

Because it is the thriving'st calling, 
The only sainf-bell that rings all in ; 
In which all churches are concern'd, 1225 

And is the easiest to be learn'd . 
For no degrees, unless they erriploy 't. 
Can ever gain much, or enjoy 't : 
A gift that is not only able 
To domineer among the rfj'btylj, 1230 

But by the laws impower'd to rout, 
And awe the greatest that stand out ; 
Which few hold forth against, for fear 
Their hands should slip, and come too near ; 
For no sin else among the saints 1235 

Is taught so tenderly against. 

What made thee break thy plighted vows.''— 
That which makes others break a house, 
And hang, and scorn ye all, before 
Endure tlie plague of being poor. 124© 



PART III.— CANTO I. 213 

Quoth he, I see you have more tricks 
Than all our doating politics, 
That are grown old, and out of fashion, 
Compar''d with your New Reformation ; 
That we must come to school to you, 1245 
To learn your more refin'd and new. 

Quoth he, if yoi^ will give me leave 
To tell you what I now perceive. 
You'll find yourself an arrant chouse, 
If y' were but at a meeting-house. — 1250 

Tis true, (quoth he) we ne'er come there, 
Because wi' have let 'em out by th' year. 

Truly, quoth he, you can't imagine 
What wondrous things they will engage in : 
That as your fellow-fiends in hell 1255 

Were angels all before they fell. 
So are you like to be agen, 
Compar'd with th' angels of us men. 

Quoth he, 1 am resolv'd to be 
Thy scholar in this mystery ; 1260 

And therefore first desire to know 
Some principles on which you go. 

What makes a knave a child of God, 
And one of us ? — A liveUhood, 

What renders beating out of brains, 1265 
And murder, godliness .'' — Great gains. 

What's tender conscience ? — 'Tis a botch, 
That will not bear the gentlest touch ; 
But breaking out, dispatches more 
Than th' epidemical'st plague-sore. 1270 

What makes y' encroach upon our trade. 
And damn all others ? — To be paid. 

What's orthodox, and true believing 
Against a conscience ? — A good living. 

What makes rebelling against kings 1275 
A good old cause? — Administ'rings. 

What makes old doctrines plain and clear?— 
About two hundred pounds a year. 

And that which was prov'd true before, 
Prove false again ? — Two hundred more. 1280 

What makes the breaking of all oaths 
A holy duty ? — Food and clothes. 



214 HUDIBRAS. 

What laws and freedom, persecution? — 
B'ing out of powV and contribution. 128/ 

WJiat makes a church a den of thieves? 
A dean and chapter, and vvhite sleeves. 

And what would serve if those were gone, 
To make it orthodox? — Our own. 

What makes morality a crime, 
Tlie most notorious of the time ; 1290 

Morality, which both the saints 
And wicked too cry out against ? — 
'Cause grace and virtue are within 
Prohibited degrees of kin ; 
And therefore no true saint allows 1295 

They shall be suffered to espouse : 
For saints can need no conscience. 
That with morality dispense ; 
As virtue 's impious, when 'tis rooted 
.1 nature only, and not imputed : 1300 

Jut why the wicked should do so, 
Ne neither know, or care to do. 

What's liberty of conscience, 
. ' th' natural and genuine sense ? 
'Tis to restore, with more security, 1305 

Rebellion to its ancient purity ; 
And Christian liberty reduce 
To th' elder practice of the Jews. 
For a large conscience is all one, 
And signifies the same with none. 1310 

It is enough (quoth he) for once, 
And has repriev'd thy forfeit bones : 
Nick Machiavel had ne'er a trick 
(Though he gave his name to our Old Nick) 
But was below the least of these, 1315 

That pass i' th' world for holiness. 

This said, the furies and the light 
In th' instant vanish'd out of sight, 
And left liim in the dark alone, 
With stinks of brimstone and his own. 1320 
The Queen of Night, whose large command 
Rules all the sea, and half the land, 

]32]. The moon infliiRnces the tides, and predomir 
natcs over all humid bodies ; and persons distempered 
in mind are called lunatics. 



PART III.— CANTO I. 215 

And over moist and crazy brains, 

In high sprincr-tides, at midnight reigns, ^ 

Was now declining to the west, 1325 

To go to bed, and tal^e her rest ; 

When Hudibras, whose stubborn blows 

Deny'd his bones that soft repose. 

Lay still, expecting worse and more, 

Stretch'd out at length upon the floor : 1330 

And though he shut his eyes as fast 

As if he 'd been to sleep his last, 

Saw all the shapes that fear or wizards 

Do make the devil wear for vizards; 

And pricking up his ears, to heark 1335 

If he could hear too in the dark. 

Was first invaded with a groan. 

And after, in a feeble tone, 

These trembling words : Unhappy wretch ! 

What hast thou gotten by this fetch, 1340 

Of all thy tricks, in this new trade. 

Thy holy brotherhood o' th' blade? 

By saunt'ring still on some adventure. 

And growing to thy horse a Centaur? 

To stuff thy skin with swelling knobs 1345 

Of cruel and hard-wooded drubs? 

For still th' hast had the worst on't yet, 

As well in conquest as defeat. 

Night is the sabbath of mankind, 

To rest the body and the mind, 1350 

Which now thou art deny'd to keep. 

And cure tliy laboured corpse with sleep. 

The Knight, who heard the words, explain'd 
As meant to him this reprimand, 
Because the character did hit 1365 

Point-blank upon his case so fit ; 
BelievM it was some drolling sprite. 
That staid upon the guard that night, 
And one of those h' had seen, and felt 
The drubs he had so freely dealt ; 1360 

1344. The Centaurs were a people of Thessaly, and 
supposed to be the first managers of horses ; and the 
ilL■i^hbourill^ inhabitants never having seen any such 
thing before, inbnlously reported tl)em monsters, half 
men and half horses. 



216 HUDIBRAS. 

Whafc, after a short pause and groan, 
The doleful spirit thus went on : 

This 'tis t' engage with dogs and bears 
Pell-mell together by the ears, 
And, after painful bangs and knocks, 1365 
To lie in limbo in the stocks, 
And from the pinnacle of glory 
Fall headlong into purgatory. 
(Thought he, this devil's full of malice, 
That on my late disasters rallies.) 137Q 

Condemn'd to whipping, but declin'd it, 
By being more heroic minded ; 
And at a riding handled worse, 
With treats more slovenly and coarse : 
Engag'd with fiends in stubborn wars, 1375 
And hot disputes witli conjurers ; 
And when th' hadst bravely won the day. 
Wast fain to steal tliyself away. 
(I see, thought he, this shameless elf 
Would fain^steal me too from myself, 1380 
That impudently dares to own 
What I have sutFer'd for and done.) 
And now, but vent'ring to betray, j| 

Hast met with vengeance the same way. flj 

Thought he, how does the devil know 1385 " 
What 'twas that I designM to do ? 
His office of intelligence, 
His oracles, are ceas'd long since ; 
And he knows nothing of the saints. 
But what some treacherous spy acquaints. 1390 
That is some pettifogging fiend, 
Some under door-keeper's friend's friend. 
That undertakes to understand, 
And juggles at the second-hand ; 
And now would pass for Spirit Po, 1395 

And all men's dark concerns foreknow. 
I think I need not fear him for't ; 
These rallying devils do no hurt. 
With that he rous'd his drooping heart. 
And hastily cry 'd out. What a,rte - 1400 

A wretch (quoth he) whom want of grace 
Has brought to this unhappy place. 



PART III.— CANTO I. 217 

I do believe thee, quoth the Knight ; 
Thus far Fm sure th' art in the right ; 
And know wliat 'tis that troubles thee, 1405 
Better than thou hast guess'd of me. 
Thou art some paltry, blackguard sprite, 
Condemned to drudg'ry in the night ; 
Thou hast no work to do in th' house. 
Nor halfpenny to drop in shoes ; 1410 

Without the raising of which sum 
You dare not be so troublesome 
To pinch the slatterns black and blue, 
For leaving you their work to do. 
This is your business, good Pug-Robin, 1415 
And your diversion dull dry-bobbing, 
T' entice fanatics in the dirt, 
And wash them clean in ditches fort ; 
Of which conceit you are so proud, 
At ev'ry jest you laugh aloud, 1420 

As now you would have done by me. 
But that I barr'd your raillery. 

Sir (quoth the voice,) y' are no such Sophi 
As you would have the world judge of ye. 
If you design to weigh our talents 1425 

r th' standard of your own false balance, 
Or think it possible to know 
Us ghosts as well as we do you ; 
We, who have been the everlasting 
Companions of your drubs and basting, 1430 
And never left you in contest. 
With male or female, man or beast. 
But prov'd as true t' ye, and entire. 
In all adventures, as your Squire. 

Quoth he. That may be said as true 1435 
By th' idlest pug of all your crew : 
For none couid have betray 'd us worse 
Than those allies of ours and yours. 
But 1 have sent hijn for a token 
To your low-country Hogen-Mogen, 1440 

1423. Sophi is at present tlie n.iiiie of the kings of 
Persia, not superadded, as Pharaoh was to the kings of 
Ei£ypt, but llie name ol' the family iiself, and religioK 
ofHali, whose descendants by Fatiin-i, Mahonret'- 
dairghter, took the name of Soplii. 



218 HUDIBRAS. 

To whose infernal sliores I hope 

He'll swing like skippers in a rope. 

And if y' have been more just to me 

(As I am apt to think) than he, 

I am afraid it is as true, 1445 

What th' ill-affected say of you : 

Y' have spous'd the Covenant and Cause, 

By holding up your cloven paws. 

Sir, (quoth the voice,) 'tis true, I grant) 
We made and took the Covenant ; 1450 

But that no more concerns the Cause 
Than other perj'ries do the laws. 
Which, when they're prov'd in open court, 
Wear wooden peccadillos for't : 
And that's the reason Cov'nanters 1455 

Hold up their hands, like rogues at bars. 

I see, quoth Hudibras, from whence 
Tiiese scandals of the samts commence, 
That are but natural effects 
Of Satan's malice, and his sects, 1460 

Those spider-saints, that hang by threads, 
Spun out o' th' entrails of their heads. 

Sir, (quoth the voice) that may as true 
And properly be said of you, 
Whose talents may compare with either, 1465 
Or both the other put together : 
For all the Independents do 
Is only what you forc'd 'cm to ; 
You, who are not content alone 
With tricks to put the devil down, 1470 

But must have armies rais'd to back 
The gospel work you undertake ; 
As if artillery, and edge-tools. 
Were th' only engines to save souls : 
While he, poor devil, has no pow'r 1475 

By force to run down' and devour ; 
Has ne'er a Classis ; cannot sentence 
To stools, or poundage of repentance ; 
Is ty'd up only to design, 
T' entice, and tempt, and undermine ; 1480 

14.')4. Peccadillos were stiff pieces that went about 
tliK nock, and round about the; shoulders, to pin the band, 
worn by persons nice 'u dressing; but liis wooden one 
is a pillory. 



PART m.—CANTO I. 219 

In which you all his arts outdo, 
And prove yourselves his betters too. 
Hence 'lis possessions do less evil 
Tlian mere temptations of the devil, 
Which all the horrid 'st actions done 1485 

Are charg'd in courts of law upon 
Because, unless they help the elf, 
He can do little of himself ; 
And therefore where he's best possess'd, 
Acts most against the interest ; 1490 

Surprises none, but those wh' have priests 
To turn him out, and exorcists, 
Supply'd with spiritual provision. 
And magazines of ammunition ; 
With crosses, relics, crucifixes, 1 495 

Beads, pictures, rosaries, and pixes ; 
The tools of working out salvation 
By mere mechanic operation ; 
With holy water, like a sluice, 
To overflow all avenues : 1500 

But those wlr are utterly unarmed 
T' oppose his entrance, if he storm'd, 
He never offers to surprise. 
Although his falsest enemies ; 
But is content to be their drudge, 1505 

And on their errands glad to trudge : 
For where are all your forfeitures 
Intrusted in safe hands, but ours ? 
Who are but jailers of the holes 
And dungeons where you clap up souls ; 1510 
Like under-keepers, turn the keys, 
T' your mittimus anathemas ; 
And never boggle to restore 
The members you deliver o'er 
Upon demand, with fairer justice 1515 

Than all your covenanting Trustees ; 
Unless, to punish them the worse, 
You put them in the secular pow'rs. 
And pass their souls, as some demise 
The same estate in mortgage twice ; 1520 

J483 Criminals, in tlieir indictments, are charged 
witli not having the fear of God before their eyes, but 
being led by the instigation of the devil. 



220 HUDIBRAS. 

Wlien to a legal Utlegation 
You turn your excommunication. 
And for a groat unpaid, that's due, 
Distrain on soul and body too. 

Tiiought he, 'tis no mean part of civil 1525 
Stale prudence to cajole the devil ; 
And not to handle him too rough, 
When h' has us in his cloven hoof, 

'Tis true, quoth he, that intercourse 
Has pass'd between your friends and ours, 1530 
That as you trust us. in our way. 
To raise your members, and to lay. 
We send you others of our own. 
Denounced to hang themselves or drown, 
Or, frighted with our oratory, 1535 

To leap dowti headlong many a story ; 
Have us'd all means to propagate 
Your mighty interests of state; 
Laid out our spiritual gifts to further 
Your great designs of rage and murther. 1540 
For if the saints are nam'd from blood, 
We only have made that title good ; 
And if it were but in our power, 
We should not scruple to do more. 
And not be half a soul behind 1545 

Of all dissenters of mankind. 

Right, quoth the voice, and as I scorn 
To be ungrateful, in return 
Of all those kind good offices, 
ril free you out of this distress, 1550 

And set you down in safety, where 
It is no time to tell you here. 
The cock crows, and the morn grows on, 
When 'tis decreed I must be gone ; 
And if I leave you here till day, 1555 

You'll find it hard to get away. 

With that the spirit grop'd about. 
To find th' enchanted hero out, 

1521. When they return the excommunication into the 
Chancery, there is issued out a writ against the person. 

1524. Excommunication, which deprives men from 
being members ol" tlie visible church, and formally de- 
livers them up to the devil, 



PART IIL— CANTO I. 221 

And try'd with haste to hft him up ; 

But found liis forlorn hope, his crup, 1560 

Unserviceable with kicks and blows, 

Receiv'd from harden'd-hearted foes. 

He thought to di-ag- him by the lieels, 

Like Greshaui carts, with legs for wheels; 

But fear, that soonest cures those sores 1565 

In danger of relapse to worse, 

Came in t' assist him with its aid. 

And up his sinking vessel weighed. 

No sooner was he fit to trudge, 

But both made ready to dislodge ; 1570 

The spirit hors'd him like a sack 

Upon the vehicle his back ; 

And bore him headlong into th' hall. 

With some few rubs against the wall ; 

Where finding out the postern locked, 1575 

And th' avenues as strongly block'd, 

H' attack'd the window, storm'd the glass, 

And in a moment gain'd the pass ; 

Thro' which he dragg'd the worsted soldier's 

Fore-quarters out by th' head and shoulders ; 

And cautiously began to scout, 1581 

To find their fellow-cattle out. 

Nor was it half a minute's quest, 

Ere he retriev'd the champion's beast, 

Ty 'd to a pale, instead of rack, 1585 

But ne'er a saddle on his back. 

Nor pistols at the saddle-bow, 

Convey'd away the Lord knows how. 

He thought it was no time to stay, 

And let the night too steal away ; 1590 

But in a trice advanced the Knight 

Upon the bare ridge, bolt upright. 

And groping out for Ralpho's jade, 

He found the saddle too was stray'd, 

And in the place a lump of soap, 1595 

On which he speedily leap'd up ; 

And turning to the gate the rein. 

He kick'd and cudgell'd on amain ; 

While Hudibras, with equal haste, 

On both sides laid about as fast, 1600 



^2 HUDIBRAS. 

And spurred, as jockies use, to break, 

Or padders to secure, a neck ; 

Where let us leave 'em for a time. 

And to their churches turn our rhyme ; 

To hold forth their declining- state, 1605 

Which now come near an even rate. 



CANTO II. 

The saints oncage in fierce coiuests 

About, tiieir earual iiiteifsts, 

To sliare their sacrilegious i>re3's, 

According; to their rates oi Grace : 

Their various frenzies to reform, 

When Crnniwell leittiieni in astorm; 

'/'ill In th' etlifje of Rumps, the rabble 

Burn all their CJrundees of the CabaJ. 
The learned write, an insect breeze 
Is but a mongrel prince of bees, 
That falls before a storm on cows. 
And stings the founders of his house; 
From whose corrupted flesh that breed 5 

Of vermin did at first proceed : 
So, ere the storm of war broke out, 
Religion spawn 'd a various rout 
Of petulant capricious sects, 
The maggots of corrupted texts, 10 

That first run all religion down. 
And after ev'ry swarm its own : 
For as the Persian Magi once 
Upon their mothers got their sons, 
That were incapable t' enjoy 15. 

That empire any other way, 

1. An insect breeze. Breezes often bring along witt 
them great quantities of insects, which some are of 
opinion are generated from viscous exhalations in the 
air ; but our author makes them proceed from a cow's 
dung, and afterwards become a plague to that whence 
it received its original. 

13. The Magi were priests and' philosophers among 
the Persians, intrusted with the government both civil 
and ecclesiastic, much addicted to the observation of 
the stars. Zoroaster is reported to be their first author. 
They had this custom among them, to preserve and con- 
tinue their families by incestuous copulation with their 
own mothers. Some are of opinion that the three wise- 
men that came out of the East to wors^iip our Saviouy 
were some of those. 



PART III.— CANTO II. 223 

So Presbyter begot the other 

Upon the Good Old Cause, his mother, 

Then bore them, Hke the devil's dam, 

Whose son and husband are tlie same ; 30 

And yet no natural tie of blood. 

Nor interest for the common g'ood, 

Could, when their profits interfered. 

Get quarter for each other's beard : 

For when they thrived, they never fadg'd, 25 

But only by the ears eng-ag'd ; 

Like dogs that snarl about a bone, 

And play together when theyVe none ; 

As by their truest characters. 

Their constant actions, plainly appears. 30 

Rebellion now began, for lack 

Of zeal and plunder, to grow slack; 

The Cause and Covenant to lessen. 

And Providence to b' out of season : 

For now there was no more to purchase 35 

O' th' king's revenue and the churches, 

But all divided, shar'd, and gone, 

That usM to urge the brethren on ; 

Which forc'd the stubborn'st for the Cause, 

To cross the cudgels to the laws, 40 

That what by breaking them th' had gain'd, 

By their support might be maintain'd ; 

Like thieves, that in a hemp-plot lie, 

Secur'd against the hue-and-cry ; 

For Presbyter and Independent 45 

Were now turn'd plaintiff and defendant ; 

Laid out their apostolic functions 

On carnal orders and injunctions ; 

And all their precious gifts and graces 

On outlawries and scire facias ; 50 

At Michael's term had many a trial, 

Worse than the dragon and St. Michael, 

Where thousands fell, in shape of fees, 

Into the bottomless abyss. 

For when, like brethren, and like friends, 55 

They came to share their dividends, 

51. St. Michael, an archangel, mentioned in St. Jude's 
Epistle, verse 9. 



224 HUDIBRAS. 

And evVy partner to possess 

His church and state joint-purchases, 

In which the ablest saint, and best, 

Was namM in trust by all the rest 60 

To pay their money, and, instead 

Of ev'ry brother, pass the deed, 

He straight converted all his gifts 

To pious frauds and holy shifts, 

And settled all the other shares 65 

Upon his outward man and 's heirs ; 

Held all they claimM as forfeit lands 

Deliver'd up into his hands. 

And passed upon his conscience 

By pre-entail of Providence ; 70 

ImpeachM the rest for reprobates, 

That had no titles to estates, 

But by their spiritual attaints 

Degraded from the right of saints. 

This b'ing reveal'd, they now begun 75 

With law and conscience to fall on. 

And laid about as hot and brain-sick 

As th' utter barrister of Swanswick ; 

Engaged with money-bags as bold 

As men with sand-bags did of old ; 80 

That brought the lawyers in more fees 

Than all unsanctify'd trustees ; 

Till he who had no more to show 

I' th' case receivM the overthrow ; 

Or, both sides having had the worst, 85 

They parted as they met at first. 

Poor Presbyter was now reduc'd, 
Secluded, and cashier'd, and chous'd 1 
Turn'd out, and excommunicate < 

From all affairs of church and state ; 90 1 

ReformM t' a reformado saint, ' 

And glad to turn itinerant. 
To stroll and teach from town to town, 
And those he had taught up teach down, 

77. Willium Prynn, of Lincoln's Inn, Esq. born at 
Swanswick, who styled himself Utter Barrister, a very 
warm person, and voluminous writer ; and after the 
Restoration, keeper of the records in the Tower. 



PART III.— CANTO 11. 225 

And make those uses serve agen 95 

Against tlie nevv-enligliten'd men, 

As fit as when at first they were 

ReveaPd against the Cavaher ; 

Damn Anabaptist and fiinatic, 

As pat as popish and prclatic ; 100 

And with as little variation, 

To serve fi>r any sect i' th' nation. 

The Good Old Cause, which some believe 

To be the devil that tempted Eve 

With knowledge, and does still invite 105 

The world to mischief with new Light, 

Had store of money in her purse 

When he took her for bett'r or worse ; 

But now was grown deform'd and poor, 

And fit to be turn'd out of door. 110 

The Independents (whose first station 
Was in the rear of reformation, 
A mongrel kind of church dragoons, 
That serv'd for horse and foot at once, 
And in the saddle of one steed 115 

The Saracen and Christian rid. 
Were free of evVy spiritual order, 
To preach, and fight, and pray, and murder) 
No sooner got the start to lurch 
Both disciplines of war, and church, 120 

And providence enough to run 
The chief commanders of 'em down, 
But carry'd on the war against 
The common enemy o' th' saints, 
And in a while prevaiFd so far, 125 

To win of them the game of war. 
And be at liberty once more 
T' attack themselves, as th' had before. 

For now there was no foe in arms, 
T' unite their factions with alarms, 130 

But all rcdue'd and overcome, 
Except their worst, themselves at home, 
Wh' had cornpass'd all they pray'd, and swore, 
And fought, and preacli'd, and plundered for ; 
SubduM the nation, church, and state, 135 

And all things but their laws and hate • 
L2 



926 HUDIBRAS. 

But when tliey came to treat and transact, 

And share the spoil of all tli"* had ransackt, 

To botch up what th' had torn and rent, 

Religion and the gOA-^ernment, 140 

They met no sooner, but prepar''d 

To pull down all the war had sparM ; 

Agreed in nothing but t' abolish, 

Subvert, extirpate, and demolish : 

For knaves and fools b'ing near of kin 145 

As Dutch Boors are t' a Sooterkin, 

Both parties joinM to do their best 

To damn the public interest, 

And herded only in consults, 

To put by one another's bolts ; 150 

T' out cant the Babylonian labourers, 

At all their dialects of jabberers, 

And tug at both ends of the saw. 

To tear down government and law. 

For as two cheats that play one game, 155 

Are both defeated of their aim. 

So those who play a game of state. 

And only cavil in debate. 

Although there's nothing lost or won, 

The public bus'ness is undone; IGO 

Which still the longer 'tis in doing, 

Becomes the surer way to ruin. 

This when the royalists perceiv'd 
(Who to their faith as firmly clcav'd. 
And own'd the right they had paid down 165 
So dearly for, the church and crown,) 
Th' united constanter, and sided 
The more, the more their foes divided : 
For though out-number'd, overthrown, 
And by the fate of war run down, 170 

Their duty never was defeated, 
Nor from their oaths and faith retreated ; 



146. It is reported of the Dutch women, that making 
so jireat a use of stoves, and often putting them under 
their petticoats, they engender a kind of ugly monster, 
whicli is called a Sooterkin. 

151. At the building of the Tower of Babel, when 
God made the confusion of languages. 



PART III.— CANTO 11. 227 

For loyalty is still the same, 

Whether it win or lose the game ; 

True as the dial to the sun, 175 

Although it be not shin'd upon. 

But when tliese brethren in evil. 

Their adversaries, and the devil. 

Began once more to shew them play, 

And hopes, at least, to have a day, 180 

They rallyM in parades of woods, 

And unfrequented solitudes ; 

Convened at midnight in outhouses, 

T' appoint new-rising rendezvouses, 

And, with a pertinacy unmatch''d, 185 

For new recruits of danger watchM. 

No sooner was one blow diverted. 

But up another party started ; 

And, as if nature too, in haste 

To furnish out supplies as fast, 190 

Before her time, had turnM destruction 

T' a new and numerous production. 

No sooner those were overcome. 

But up rose others in their room. 

That, like the Cliristian faith, increast 195 

The more, the more they were supprest : 

Whom neither chains nor transportation, 

Proscription, sale, or confiscation. 

Nor all the desperate events 

Of former try'd experiments, 200 

Nor wounds could terrify, nor mangling. 

To leave off loyalty and dangling ; 

Nor death (with all his bones) affright 

From venfring to maintain tlie right. 

From staking life and fortune down 205 

'Gainst all together, for the crown ; 

But kept tlie title of their cause 

From forfeiture, like claims in laws : 

And prov'd no prosp'rous usurpation 

Can ever settle in tlie nation ; 210 

Until, in spite of force and treason, 

They put ihcir loyalty in possession ; 

And, by tlieir constancy and faith. 

Destroyed the mighty men of Gath. 



228 HUDIBRAS. 

TossM in a furious hurricane, 215 

Did Oliver give up his reign ; 
And was believ'd, as well by saints 
As mortal men and miscreants, 
To founder in the Stygian ferry, 
Until he was retrieved by Sterry ; 220 

Who, in a false erroneous dream, 
Mistook the New Jerusalem 
Profanely for th' apocryphal 
False Heaven at the end o' tir hall ; 
Whither it was decreed by fate 225 

His precious reliques to translate. 
So Romulus was seen before 
B' as orthodox a senator, 
From whose divine illumination 
He stole the Pagan revelation. 230 

Next him his son and heir apparent 
Succeeded, though a lame vicegerent ; 
Who first laid by the Parliament, 
The only crutch on which he leant ; 

215. At Oliver's death was a most furious tempest, 
such as had not been known in tlie memory of man. or 
hardly ever recorded to have been in this nation. 

This Sterry reported something ridiculously fabulous 
concerning Oliver, not unlike what Proculus did of 
Romulus. 

224. After the Restoration, Oliver's body was dugup, 
and his head set at the farther end of Westminster- hall, 
near which place there is a house of entertainment, 
which is commonly known by the name of Heaven. 

227. A Roman senator, whose name was Proculus,and 
much beloved by Romulus, made oath before the senate, 
that this prince appeared to him after his death, and 
predicted the future grandeur of that city, promising to 
be protector of it ; and cvpressly charged him that he 
should be adored under the name of Giuirirms; and he 
had his temple on Mount Quirinale. 

231. Oliver's eldest son Richard was, by him before 
hisdeath, declared his successor ; and, by order of privy- 
council, pioclaimed Lord Protector, and received the 
compliments of congratulation and condolence, at the 
same time, from the lord mayor and court of aldermen : 
and addresses were presented to him from all parts of 
the nation, promising to stand by him with their lives 
and fortunes. He summoned a parliament to meet at 
Westminsler, which recognised him Lord Protector: 
yet, notwithstanding, Fleetwood, Desborough, and their 
partisans, managed affairs so, that he was obliged to 
redijjn 



PART III.— CANTO II. 229 

And then sunk underneath the state, 235 

That rode him above horsemen's weight. 
And now the saints began their reign, 
l''or which th' had yearnM so long in vain, 
And felt such bowel-hankerings, 
To see an empire all of kings, 240 

Deliver'd from the Egyptian awe 
Of justice, government, and law, 
And free t' erect what spiritual cantons 
Should be reveal'd, or gospel Hans-Towns, 
To edify upon the ruins 245 

Of John of Ley den's old out-goings ; 
Who for a weather-cock hung up. 
Upon the mother church's top : 
Was made a type, by Providence, 
Of all their revelations since ; 250 

And now fulfiird by his successors. 
Who equally mistook their measures : 
For when they came to shape the model. 
Not one could fit another's noddle ; 
But found their light and gifts more wide 255 
From fadging than th' unsanctify'd ; 
While ev'ry individual brother 
Strove hand to fist against another ; 
And still the maddest, and most crackt, 
Were found the busiest to transact : 260 

For though most hands dispatch apace. 
And make light work (the proverb says,) 
Yet many diff'rent intellects 
Are found t' have contrary effects ; 

245. John of Leydcn, whose name was BuckhoId,vva9 
a butclier of the same place, but a crafty, eloquent, and 
fH-dilinus fellow, and one of those called Anabaptists. 
He went and set up at Munster, vvliere, with Knipper- 
dolling, and others of th« same faction, they spread their 
abominable errors, and ran abont the streets in enthu- 
fiiastical raptures, crying, ' Repent, and be baptized ;' 
pronouncing dismal woes against all those that would 
not embrace their tenets. About the year 1533, they 
broke out into an o[ien insurrection, and seized the pa- 
lace and magazines, and grew so formidable, that it was 
very dangerous for those who were not of their persua- 
sion to dwell in Munster ; but at length he and his asso- 
ciates being subdued and taken, he was executed at 
Munster, and iiad l)is flesh pulled ofl'by two execution- 
ers, with red-hot pincers for the space of an hour, and 
then run through with a sword. 



230 HUDIBRAS. * 

And many heads t' obstruct intrigues, 265 

As slowest insects have most legs. 

Some were for setting up a king ; 
But all the rest for no such thing, 
Unless King Jesus. Others tamper'd 
For Fleetwood, Desborough, and Lambert ; 270 
Some for the Rump, and some, more crafty, 
For Agitators, and the safety ; 
Some for the gospel, and massacres 
Of spiritual affidavit-makers. 
That swore to any human regence 275 

Oaths of supremacy and allegiance ; 
Yea, though the ablest swearing saint 
That vouched the bulls o' the Covenant : 
Others for pulhng down th' high places 
Of synods and provincial classes, 280 

That us'd to make such hostile inroads 
Upon the saints, hke bloody Nimrods : 
Some for fulfilling prophecies, 
And th' extirpation of th' excise ; 
And some against th' Egyptian bondage 285 
Of holy-days, and paying poundage : 
Some for the cutting down of groves, 
And rectifying bakers' loaves ; 
And some for finding out expedients 
Against the slav'ry of obedience : 290 

Some were for gospel ministers. 
And some for rod-coat seculars. 
As men most fit t' hold forth the word. 
And wield the one and th' other sword : 
Some were for carrying on the work 295 

Against the Pope, and some the Turk : 
Some for engaging to suppress 
The Camisado of surplices. 
That gifts and dispensations hinder'd, 
And turned to th' outward man the inward ; 300 
More proper for the cloudy night 
Of popery than gospel light : 
Others were for abolishing 
Tliat tool of matrimony, a ring. 
With which th' unsanctify'd bridegroom 305 
]s marry 'd only to u. thumb 



PART III.— CANTO II. 231 

(As wise as ringing of a pig, 

That us'd to break up ground, and dig ;) 

The bride to nothing but lier will, 

That nulls the after-marriage still : 310 

Some were lor Ih' utter extu-pation 

Of linsey-woolsey in the nation; 

And some against all idolizing 

The cross in shop-books, or baptizing ; 

Others to make all things recant 315 

The Christian or surname of saint. 

And force all churches, streets, and towns, 

The holy title to renounce : 

Some 'gainst a third estate of souls. 

And bringing down the price of coals : 320 

Some for abolishing black-pudding. 

And eating nothing with the blood in ; 

■^I'o abrogate them roots and branches ; 

While others were for eating haunches 

Of warriors, and, now and then, 325 

The liesh of kings and mighty men ; 

And some for breaking of their bones 

"'With rods of ir'n, by secret ones ; 

For thrashing mountains, and with spells 

For hallowing carriers'' packs and bells : 330 

Things that the legend never heard of, 

But made the wicked sore afear'd of. 

The quacks of government (who sate 
At th' unregarded helm of state, 
And understood this wild confusion 335 

Of fatal madness and delusion, 
Must, sooner than a prodigy. 
Portend destruction to be nigh) 
ConsiderM timely how t' withdraw. 
And save their wind-pipes from the law ; 340 
For one rencounter at the bar 
Was worse than all th' had 'scap'd in war ; 
And therefore met in consultation. 
To cant and quack upon the nation ; 
Not for the sickly patient's sake ; 345 

Nor what to give but wliat to take ; 
To feel the pulses of their fees. 
More wise than fumblinor arteries ; 



232 HUDIBRAS. 

Prolong the snufFoflifo in pain, 

And from the grave recover — Gain. 350 

'Mong these there was a politician 
With more heads than a beast in vision, 
And more intrigues in ev'ry one 
Than all the v/hores of Babylon ; 
So politic, as if one eye 355 

Upon the other were a spy, 
That, to trepan the one to think 
The other bhnd, both strove to blink ; 
And in his dark pragmatic Vv^ay, 
As busy as a child at play. 360 

rr had seen three governments run down. 
And had a hand in evVy one ; 
Was for 'em and against 'em all, 
]]ut barb'rous when they came to fall : 
For, by trepanning th' old to ruin, 365 

He made his interest with the new one ; 
Play'd true and faithful, though against 
His conscience, and was still advanc'd : 
For by the witchcraft of rebellion 
Transform^ t' a feeble state-camelion, 370 
By giving aim from side to side, 
He never faifd to save his tide, 
But got the start of ev'ry state. 
And at a change ne'er came too late; 
Could turn his word, and oath, and faith, 375 
As many ways as in a lathe ; 
By turning, wriggle, like a screw, 
Int' highest trust, and out, for new : 
For when h' had happily incurr'd, 
Instead of hemp, to be preferr'd, 380 

And pass'd upon a government, 
Pfe play'd his trick, and out he went; 
But being out, and out of hopes 
To mount his ladder (more) of ropes, 
Would strive to raise himself upon 385 

The pubhc ruin, and his own ; 
So little did he understand 
The desp'rate feats he took in hand, 

351. This was tlie fatuous E. of S. who was endued 
with a particular faculty of undermining and subverting 
ail sorts of government. 



PART III.— CANTO II, 233 

For when h' had got himself a name 

For fraud and tricks, he spoifd his game ; 390 

Had forcM liis neck into a noose. 

To show his play at fast and loose ; 

And when lie chanc'd t' escape, mistook, 

For art and subtlety, his luck. 

So right his judgment was cut fit, 395 

And made a tally to his wit, 

And both together most profound 

At deeds of darkness under-ground; 

As th' earth is easiest underminM 

Ijy vermin impotent and blind. 400 

By all these arts, and many more 
H' had practised long and much before. 
Our state artificer foresaw 
Which way the world began to draw : 
For as old sinners have all points 405 

O"" th' compass in their bones and joints, 
Can by their pangs and aches find 
All turns and changes of the wind. 
And better than by Napier's bones 
Feel in their own the age of moons ; 410 

So guilty sinners in a state 
Can by their crimes prognosticate. 
And in their consciences feel pain 
Some days before a show'r of rain: 
He therefore wisely cast about, 415 

All ways he could, t' ensure his throat; 
And hither came, t' observe and smoke 
What courses other riskers took ; 
And to the utmost do his best 
To save himself, and hang the rest. 420 

To match this saint, there was another 
As busy and perverse a brother, 
A haberdasher of small wares 
In politics and state affairs : 

409. The famous Lord Napier, of Scotland, the first 
inventor of logarithms, cont.'ived also a set of square 
pieces, with numbers on them, made generally of ivory 
(which perform arithmetical and geometrical calcula- 
tions,) and are commonly called Napier's bones. 

421. The great Colonel John Lilbourn, wliose tt'ial is 
eo remarkable, and well known at this time 



234 HUDIBRAS. 

More Jew than Rabbi Achitoplicl, 425 

And better gifted to rebel : 

For when h' had taught liis tribe to 'spouse 

The Cause, aloft, upon one house, 

He scorn "d to set his own in order, 

Bat try'd another, and went farther; 430i 

So suddenly addicted still 

To 's only principle, his will, 

That whatsoe'er it chanc'd to prove, 

Nor force of argument could move. 

Nor law, nor cavalcade of Ho'born, 435. 

Could render half a grain less stubborn; 

For he at any time would hang 

For th' opportunity t' harangue ; 

And rather on a gibbet dangle. 

Than miss his dear delight, to wrangle ; 440 

In which his parts were so accomplisht, 

That, right or wrong, he ne'er was nonplust ; 

But still his tongue ran on, the less 

Of weight it bore, with greater ease, 

And with its everlasting clack 445 

Set all men's ears upon the rack. 

No sooner could a hint appear. 

But up he started to picqueer, 

And made the stoutest yield to mercy, 

"When he engaged in controversy : 450 

Not by the force of carnal reason, 

But indefatigable teasing ; 

With vollies of eternal babble, 

And clamour, more unanswerable : 

For though his topics frail and weak, 455 

Could ne'er amount above a freak, 

He still maintained 'em, like his faults, 

Against the desp'ratest assaults ; 

And back'd their feeble want of sense 

With greater heat and confidence ; 460 

As bones of Hectors, when they differ, 

The more they're cudgell'd, grow the stiffer. 

Yet when his profit moderated, 

The fury of his heat abated ; 

For nothing but his interest 465k 

Could lay his devil of contest. 



PART III.— CANTO I. 235 

It was his choice, or cliance, or curse, 

T' espouse the cause for better or worse, 

And witli his worldly goods and wit, 

And soul and body worshipped it : 470 

But when he found the sullen trapes 

Possess'd witli the devil, worms, and claps, 

The Trojan mare in foal, with Greeks, 

Not half so full of jadish tricks, 

Though squeamish in her outward woman, 475 

As loose and rampant as Doll Common, 

He still resolv'd to mend the matter, 

T' adhere and cleave the obstinater ; 

And still the skittisher and looser 

Her freaks appear'd to sit the closer : 480 

For fools are stubborn in their way, 

As coins are hardened by th' allay ; 

And obstinacy's ne'er so stiff 

As when 'tis in a wrong belief. 

These two, with others, being met, 485 

And close in consultation set. 

After a discontented pause, 

And not without sufficient cause, 

The orator we nam'd of late, 

Less troubled with the pangs of state 490 

Than with his own impatience, 

To give himself first audience. 

After he had a while look'd wise, 

At last broke silence, and the ice. 

Quoth he, There's nothing makes me doubt 
Our last outgoings brought about, 496 

More than to see the characters 
Of real jealousies and fears 
Not feign'd, as once, but sadly horrid, 
Scor'd upon ev'ry member's forehead ; 500 

473. After the Grecians had spent ten years in the 
siege of Troy, without the least prospect of success, they 
bethought of a stratagem, and made a wooden horse 
capable of containing a considerable number of armed 
men : this they filled with the choicest of their army, 
and then pretended to raise the siege ; upon which the 
credulous Trojans made a breach in the walls of the 
city to bring in this fatal plunder ; but when it was 
brought in, the inclosed heroes soon appeared, andsur- 
yriaing the city, the rest entered in at the breach. 



236 HUDIBRAS. 

Who, 'caupo tlic clouds are drawn together, 

And threaten sudden change of weather, 

Feel pangs and aches of state-turns. 

And revolutions in their corns; 

And, since our workings-out are cross'd, 505 

Throw-up the cause before 'tis lost. 

Was it to *un away we meant. 

When, taking of the Covenant, 

The lamest cripples of the brothers 

Took oaths to run before all others, 510 

But in their own sense only swore 

To strive to run away before ; 

And now would prove that words and oath 

Engage us to renounce them both .'' 

'Tis true, the cause is in the lurch, 515 

Between a right and mongrel-church : 

The Presbyter and Independent, 

That stickle which shall make an end on't ; 

As 'twas made out to us the last 

Expedient — (I mean Marg'ret's Fast,) 520 

When Providence had been suborn'd 

What answer was to be return'd : 

Else why should tumults fright us now, 

We have so many times gone through, 

And understand as well to tame, 525 

As when they serve our turns t' inflame ? 

Have prov'd how inconsiderable 

Are all engagements of the rabble. 

Whose frenzies must be reconcil'd. 

With drums and rattles, like a child ; 530 

But never prov'd so prosperous. 

As when they were led on by us : 

For all our scourging of religion 

3egan with tumult and sedition : 

When hurricanes of fierce commotion 535 

Became strong motives to devotion 

',As carnal seamen in a storm. 

Turn pious converts, and reform ;) 

When rusty weapons, with chalk'd edges, 

Maintained our feeble privileges ; 540 

520. That parliament used to Iiave public fasts kept 
n St. Margaret's Church, Westminster, as is done to 
this present lime. 



PART III.— CANTO II. 237 

And brown-bills levy'd in the city, 

Made bills to pass the grand committee ; 

When zeal, with aged clubs .and gleaves, 

Gave chase to rochets and white sleeves, 

And made the church, and state, and laws, 545 

Submit t' old iron and the cause. 

And as we thrived by tumults then, 

So might we better now agen, 

If we knew how, as then we did, 

To use them rightly in our need : 550 

Tumults, by which the mutinous 

Betray themselves instead of us. 

The hollow-hearted, disaffected. 

And close malignant, are detected. 

Who lay their Sves and fortunes down 555 

For pledges to secure our own ; 

And freely sacrifice their ears 

T' appease our jealousies and fears : 

And yet for all these providences 

W' are offered, if we had our senses, 560 

We idly sit like stupid blockheads, 

Our hands committed to our pockets; 

And nothing but our tongues at large, 

To get the wretches a discharge : 

Like men condemn'd to thunder-bolts, 565 

Who, ere the blow, become mere dolts ; 

Or fools besotted with their crimes. 

That know not how to shift betimes, 

And neither have the hearts to stay, 

Nor wit enough to run away ; 570 

Who, if we could resolve on either. 

Might stand or fall at least together ; 

No mean or trivial solaces 

To partners in extreme distress ; 

Who used to lessen their despairs, 575 

By parting them int' equal shares ; 

As if the more they were to bear. 

They felt the weight the easier ; 

And evVy one the gentler hung. 

The more he took his turn among. 580 

But "tis not come to that, as yet. 

If we had courage 3eft, or wit; 



238 HUDIBRAS. 

Who, when our fate can be no worse, 

Are fitted for the bravest course ; 

Have time to rally, and prepare 585 

Our last and best defence, despair : 

Despair, by which the nallant'st feats 

Have been achiev'd in greatest straits, 

And horrid'st danger safely wav'd, 

By being courageously outbrav'd; 590 

As wounds by wider wounds are heal'd, 

And poisons by themselves expelfd ; 

And so they might be now agen, 

If we were, what we should be, men ; 

And not so dully desperate, 595 

To side against ourselves with fate; 

As criminals, condemn VI to suffer, 

Are Winded first, and then turnM over. 

This comes of breaking covenants. 

And setting up exaunts of saints, GOO 

That fine, like aldermen, for grace. 

To be excusM the efflcace : 

For spiritual men are too transcendent. 

That mount their banks for Independent, 

To hang like Mahomet i' th' air, 605 

Or St. Ignatius at his prayer. 

By pure geometry, and hate 

Dependence upon cliurch or state ; 

Disdain the pedantry o' th' letter ; 

And since obedience is better GIO 

(The Scripture says) than sacrifice. 

Presume the less on't will suffice ; 

And scorn to have the moderat'st stints 

Prescrib'd their peremptory hints, 

Or any opinion, true or false, 615 

Declar'd as such, in doctrinals; 

605. It is reported of Mahomet, the great impostor, 
that having built a mosque, the roof whereof was of 
loadstone, and ordering his corpse, when he was dead, 
to be put into an iron coffin, and brought into that place, 
the loadstone soon attracted it near the lop, where it 
still hangs in the air. 

No less fabulous is what tiie legends says of Ignatius 
Loyola, that his zeal and devotion transported him so, 
that at his prayers he has been seen to be raised from 
the ground for some considerable time together. 



PART III— CANTO II. 239 

But left at large to make their best on, 

Without b'ing call'd t' account or question : 

Interpret all the spleen reveals, 

As Whittington ^xplain'd the bells; 620 

And bid themselves turn back agen 

Lord May'rs of New Jerusalem ; 

Cut look so big and over-grown, 

They scorn their edifiers t' own, 

Who taught them all their sprinkling lessons, 

Their tones, and sanctified expressions ; 626 

BestowM their gifts upon a saint, 

Like charity on those that want ; 

And learn 'd tli' apocryphal bigots 

T' inspire themselves with short-hand notes ; 

For which they scorn and hate them worse 

Than dogs and cats do sow-gelders. 

For who first bred them up to pray. 

And teach the House of Commons' way? 

Where had they all their gifted phrases, 635 

But from our Calamys and Cases? 

Without whose sprinkling and sowing. 

Who e'er had heard of Nye or Owen? 

Their dispensations had been stifled, 

But for our Adoniram Byfield ; 640 

And had they not begun the war. 

Til' had ne'er been sainted, as they are : 

For saints in peace degenerate. 

And dwindle down to reprobate; 

Their zeal corrupts like standing water, 645 

In th' intervals of war and slaughter ; 

Abates the sharpness of its edge. 

Without the power of sacrilege. 

And though they've tricks to cast their sins 

As easy as serpents do their skins, 650 

That in a while grow out agen, 

In peace they turn mere carnal men. 

And, from the most refin'd of saints. 

As naturally grow miscreants, 

As barnacles turn Soland geese 655 

In th' Islands of the Orcades. 

G50. Naturalisls report, that snakes, serpents, &.c. 
cast their skins every year. 
t)55. It is suiii that in l!io Islamls of the Orcades, in 



240 HUDIBRAS. 

Their dispensation's but a ticket, 

For their conforming to the wicked : 

With whom the greatest difference 

Lies more in words, and show, than sense. 660 

For as the Pope, that keeps the gate 

Of heaven, wears three crowns of state, 

So he that keeps the gate of hell. 

Proud Cerberus, wears three heads as well : 

And if the world has any troth, 665 

Some have been canoniz'd in both. 

But that which does them greatest harm, 

Their spiritual gizzards are too warm. 

Which puts the overheated sots 

In fevers still, like other goats. 670 

For though the whore bends hereticks 

With flames of fire, like crooked sticks, 

Our schismatics so vastly differ, 

Th' hotter th' are, they grow the stiffer ; 

Still setting off their spiritual goods 675^ 

With fierce and pertinacious feuds. 

For zeal's a dreadful termagant. 

That teaches saints to tear and rant, 

And Independents to profess 

The doctrines of dependences ; 680 

Turns meek, and secret, sneaking ones^ 

To raw-heads fierce and bloody bones : 

And, not content with endless quarrels 

Against the wicked and their morals, 

The Gibellines, for want of Guelphs, 685 

Divert their rage upon themselves. 

For now the war is not between 

The brethren and the men of sin, 

But saint and saint, to spill the blood 

Of one another's brotherhood : 690 

Where neither side can lay pretence 

To liberty of conscience, 

Scotland, tliere are trees which bear these barnacles, 
which dropping off into the water, receive life, and be- 
come tliose birds called Soland geese. 

Gt)3. The poets feign the dog Cerberus, that is the 
porter of hell to have three heads. 

685. Two great factions in Italy, distinguished by 
those names, which miserably distracted and wasted it 
about they CUT 1130. 



PART ni.— CANTO II. • 24 

Or zealous suff 'ring for the cause, 

To gain one groat's worth of applause ; 

For though endurM with resolution, 61J 

'Twill ne'er amount to persecution. 

Shall precious saints and secret ones, 

Break one another's outward bones, 

And eat the flesh of brethren, 

Instead of kings and mighty men ? 7UU 

When fiends agree among themselves. 

Shall they be found the greatest elves ? 

When Bel's at union with the Dragon, 

And Baal-Peor friends with Dagon ; 

When savags bears agree with bears, 705 

Shall secret ones lug saints by th' ears, 

And not atone their fatal wrath. 

When common danger threatens both ? 

Shall mastiffs, by the collar puU'd, 

Engag'd with bulls, let go their hold, 710 

And saints, whose necks are pawn'd at stake, 

No notice of the danger take ? 

But though no pow"r of heav'n or hell 

Can pacify fanatic zeal, 

Who would not guess there might be hopes, 715- 

The fear of gallowses and ropes. 

Before their eyes, might reconcile 

Their animosities a while; 

At least until they 'd a clear stage. 

And equal freedom to engage, 720 

Without the danger of surprise 

By both our common enemies f 

This none but we alone could doubt, 
Who understand their working-out. 
And know them, both in soul and conscience, 
Giv'n up t' as reprobate a nonsense 72G 

As spiritual outlaws, whom the pow'r 
Of miracle can ne'er restore : 
We, whom at first they set up under, 
In revelation only of plunder, 730- 

Who since have had so many trials 
Of their encroaching seif-denials, 
That rook'd upon us with design. 
To out-reform, and underminci 
M 



242 HUDIBRAS. 

Took all our interest and commands 735 

Perfidiously out of our hands ; 

Involy'd us in the guilt of blood 

Without the motive gain's allowed, 

And made us serve as ministerial, 

Like younger sons of Father Belial ; 740 

And yet, for all th' inhuman wrong 

Th' had done us and the cause so long. 

We never fail'd to carry on 

The vi^ork still as we had begun ; 

But true and faithfully obeyed, . ' 745 

And neither preached them hurt, nor pray'd ; 

Nor troubled them to crop our ea'-s, 

Nor hang us, like the cavaliers ; 

Nor put them to the charge of gaols, 

To find us piirries and carts' tails, 750 

Or hangmen's wages, which the state 

Was forc'd (before them) to be at ; 

That cut, like tallies, to the stumps, 

Our ears for keeping true accompts. 

And burnt our vessels, like a new 755 

Seal'd peck, or bushel, for b'ing true ; 

But hand in hand, like faithful brothers. 

Held for the cause against all others. 

Disdaining equally to yield 

One syllabic of what we held. 7G0 

And though we ditfcr'd now and then 

'Bout outward things, and outward men. 

Our inward men and constant frame 

Of spirit, still were near the same ; 

And, till they first began to cant 1Q5 

And sprinkle down the Covenant, 

We ne'er had call in any place, 

Nor dream'd of teaching down free grace, 

But join'd our gifts perpetually 

Against the common enemy, 770 

Although 'twas ours and their opinion, 

Each otiier's church was but a Rimmon ; 

And yet, for all this gospel-union. 

And outward show of church-communion, 

They'll ne'er admit us to our shares 775 

Of ruhn<i church or state affairs • 



PART III.— CANTO IL 243 

Nor give lis leave t' absolve, or sentence 
T' our own conditions of repentance ; 
But sharM our dividend o' tli' crown 
We had so painfully preach 'd down ; 780 

And forcM us, though against the grain. 
T' have calls to teach it up again : 
For 'twas but justice to restore 
The wrongs we had rcceivM before ; 
And when 'twas held forth in our way 78"? 
W had been ungrateful not to pay ; 
Who, for the right w' have done nation. 
Have earn'd our temporal salvation j 
And put our vessels in a way 
Once more to come again in play. 790 

For if the turning of us out 
Has brought this providence about. 
And that our only suffering- 
Is able to bring in the king, 
What would our actions not have done, 795 
Had we been sufFer'd to go on ? 
And therefore may pretend t' a share, 
At least, in carrying on th' affair. 
But whether that be so, or not, 
W' have done enough to have it thought ; 800 
And that's as good as if w' had done 't, 
And easier pass'd upon account : 
For if it be but half deny "d, 
'Tis half as good as justify 'd. 
The world is nat'rally averse 805 

To all the truth it sees or hears ; 
But swallows nonsense, and a lie, 
With greediness and gluttony ; 
And though it have the pique, and long, 
'Tis still for something in the wrong ; 810 

As women long, when they're witli child, 
For things extravagant and wild ; 
For meats ridiculous and fulsome, 
But seldom any thing that's wholesome ; 
And, like the world, men's jobbernoles 815 

Turn round upon their ears, the poles. 
And what they're confidently told. 
By no sense else can be controli'd. 



244 HUDIBRAS. 

And tills, perhaps, may prove the means 
>nce more to hedy;e in Providence. 890 

For as relapses make diseases 

More despVate than their first accesses, 

If we but get again in pow'r, 

Our work is easier than before, 

And we more ready and expert 825 

r th' mystery to do our part : 

We, who did rather undertake 

The first war to create than make, 

And when of nothing 'twas begun, 

Rais'd funds as strange to carry 't on ; 830 

Trepann'^ the state, and fac'd it down 

With plots and projects of our own; 

And if we did such feats at first. 

What can we now we're better vers'd ? 

Who have a freer latitude, 835 

Than sinners give themselves, allowM ; 

And therefore likeliest to bring in, 

On fairest terms, our discipline ; 

To which it was reveal'd long since 

We were ordain'd by Providence ; 840 

When three saints' ears our predecessors. 

The cause's primitive confessors, 

B'ing crucify 'd, the nation stood 

In just so many years of blood ; 

That, multiply 'd by six, exprest 845 

The perfect number of the beast. 

And prov'd that we must be the men 

To bring this work about agen ; 

And those who laid the first foundation. 

Complete the thorough Reformation : 850 

For who have gifts to carry on 

So great a work, but we alone? 

What churches have such able pastors. 

And precious, powerful, preaching masters? 

Possessed with absolute dominions 855 

O'er brethren's purses and opinions? 

And trusted with the double keys ^ 

Of heaven and thei/ warehouses; 
841. Burton, Prymi, and Bostwick, three notorious 

ringleaders of the factions, just at the beginning of the 

tatp horrid r«telli6U 



PART III.— CANTO II. 245 

Who, wlicn the cause is in distress, 

Can furnish out \vhat sums they please, 8G0 

That brooding- lie in bankers' hands, 

To be disposM at their commands; 

And daily increase and multiply, 

With doctrine, use, and usury ; 

Can fetch in parties (as in war 8G5 

All other heads of cattle are) 

From th' enemy of all religions. 

As well as high and low conditions. 

And share them, from blue ribands, down 

To all blue aprons in the town ; 870 

From ladies hurried in calleches, 

With cor''nets at their footmen's breeches, 

To bawds as fat as Mother Nab, 

All guts and belly, like a crab. 

Our party's great, and better ty'd 875 

With oaths and trade than any side ; 

Has one considerable improvement. 

To double fortify the Covenant ; 

I mean our Covenant to purchase 

Delinquents' titles, and the churches : 880 

That pass in sale, from hand to hand, 

Among ourselves, for current land. 

And rise or fall, like Indian actions, 

According to the rate of factions; 

Our best reserve for Reformation, 885 

When new out-goings give occasion ; 

That keeps the loins of brethren girt 

The Covenant (their creed) t' assert ; 

And when th' have pack'd a Parliament, 

Will once more try th' expedient : 890 

Who can already muster friends. 

To serve for members, to our ends. 

That represent no part o' th' nation, 

But Fisher's-Folly congregation ; 

Are only tools to our intrigues, 895 

And sit like geese to hatch our eggs ; 

Who, by their precedents of wit, 

T' out-fast, out-loiter, and out-sit, 

894. Fisher's Folly was where Devonshire-Square 
now stands, and was a great place of consultation in 
those days. 



246 HUDIBRAS. 

Can order matters underhand, 

To put all business to a stand ; 900 

Lay public bills aside for private, 

And make 'em one another drive out ; 

Divert the great and necessary, 

With trifles to contest and vary ; 

And make the nation represent, 905 

And serve for us in Parliament; 

Cut out more work than can be done 

Jn Plato's year, but finish none. 

Unless it be the Bulls of Lenthal, 

That always pass'd for fundamental ; 910 

Can set up grandee 'gainst grandee. 

To squander time away, and bandy: 

Make Lords and Commoners lay sieges 

To one another's privileges. 

And, rather than compound the quarrel, 915 

Engage, to th' inevitable peril 

Of both their ruins, th' only scope 

And consolation of our hope ; 

Who though we do not play the game, 

Assist as much by giving aim ; 920 

Can introduce our ancient arts. 

For heads of factions t' act their parts; 

Know what a leading voice is worth, 

A seconding, a third, or fourth ; 

How much a casting voice comes to, 925 

That turns up trump of ay, or no ; 

And, by adjusting all at th' end, 

Share ev'ry one his dividend : 

An art that so much study cost, 

And now 's in danger to be lost, 930 

Unless our ancient virtuosos, 

That found it out, get into th' Houses. 

These are the courses that we took 

To carry things by hook or crook ; 

And practis'd down from forty-four, 935 

Until they turn'd us out of door : 

Besides the herds of Bontefeus 

We set on work without the House, 

907. Plato's year, or the grand revolution of the en 
tire machine of the world, was accounted 4000 years. 



PART III.— CANTO II. 247 

When evVy kniglit and citizen 

Kept legislative journeymen, 940 

To bring them in intelligence 

From all points, -of the rabble's sense, 

And fill the lobbies of both Houses 

With politic important buzzes ; 

Set up committees of cabals, 945 

To pack designs without the walls ; 

Examine, and draw up all news, 

And fit it to our present use : 

Agree upon the plot o' th' farce, 

And ev'ry one his part rehearse ; 950 

Make Q's of answers, to waylay 

Wiiat t' other party's like to say ; 

What repartees and smart reflections, 

Shall be returned to all objections; 

And who shall break the master-jest, 955 

And what, and how, upon the rest : 

Help pamphlets out, with safe editions. 

Of proper slanders and seditions. 

And treason for a token send, 

By letter to a country friend ; 960 

Disperse lampoons, the only wit 

That men, like burglary, commit ; 

Wit falser than a padder's face, 

That all its owner does betrays ; 

Who therefore dares not trust it when 965 

He's in his calling to be seen ; 

Disperse the dung on barren earth. 

To bring new weeds of discord forth ; 

Be sure to keep up congregations. 

In spite of laws and proclamations ; 970 

For charlatans can do no good 

^Intil they 're mounted in a crowd ; 

And when they 're punish'd, all the hurt 

[s but to fare the better for 't ; 

As long as confessors are sure 975 

Of double pay for all th' endure, 

And what they earn in persecution, 

Are paid t' a groat in contribution ; 

Whence some tub-holders-forth have made 

In powd'ring-tubs their richest trade ; 980 



248 HUDIBRAS. 

And, while tliey kept their shops in prisorr, 

Have found their prices strangely risen : 

Disdain to own the least regret 

For all the Christian blood w' have let ; 

'Twill save our credit, and maintain 985 

Our title to do so again ; 

That needs not cost one dram of sense, 

But pertinacious impudence. 

Our constancy t' our principles, 

In time will wear out all things else ; 990 

Like marble statues rubb'd in pieces 

With gallantry of pilgrims' kisses ; 

While those who turn and wind their oaths 

Have swell'd and sunk, like other froths ; 

Prevail'd a while, but 'twas not long 995 

Before from world to world they swung, 

As they had turn'd from side to side ; 

And as the changlings liv'd, they dy'd. 

This said, th" impatient states-monger 
Could now contain himself no longer ; 1000 
Who had not spar'd to shew his piques 
Against th' haranguer's politics. 
With smart remarks of leering faces, 
And annotations of grimaces. 
After h' had administer'd a dose 1005 

Of snuff mundungus to his nose. 
And powder'd th' inside of his skull, 
Instead of th' outward' jobbernol, 
Fie shook it with a scornful look 
On th' adversary, and thus he spoke: 1010 

In dressing a calf's head, although 
The tongue and brains together go, 
Both keep so. great a distance here, 
'Tis strange if ever they come near ; 
For who did ever play his gambols 1015' 

With such insufferable rambles, 
To make the bringing in the king, 
And keeping of him out, one thing ? 
Which none could do but those that swore 
T' as point-blank nonsense heretofore ; 1020> 
That to defend was to invade ; 
And to assassinate, to aid. 



PART III.— CANTO II. 249 

Unless, because you drove him out 
(And that was never made a doubt,) 
No pow'r is able to restore, 1025 

And bring him in, but on your score : 
A spiritual docfrine, that conduces 
Most properly to all your uses. 
'Tis true, a scorpion's oil is said 
To cure the wounds the vermin made ; 1030 
And weapons, drest with salves, restore 
And heal the hurts they gave before ; 
But whether Presbyterians have 
So much good nature as the salve, 
Or virtue in them as the vermin, 103'> 

Those who have try'd them can determine. 
Indeed, 'tis pity you should miss 
Th' arrears of all your services. 
And for th' eternal obligation 
Y' have laid upon th' ungrateful nation, 1040 
Be us'd so unconscionably hard, 
As not to find a just reward 
For letting rapine loose, and murther, 
To rage just so far, but no further ; 
And setting all the land on fire, 1045 

To burn 't to a scantling, but no higher : 
For vent'ring to assassinate, 
And cut the throats of church and state, 
And not be allowed the fittest men 
To take the charge of both agen : 1050 

Especially, that have the grace 
Of self-denying, gifted face ; 
Who, when your projects have miscarry'd, 
Can lay them, with undaunted forehead, 
On those who painfully trepann'd, 1055 

And sprinkrd in at second-hand ; 
As we have been, to share the guilt 
Of Christian blood, devoutly spilt ; 
For so our ignorance was flamm'd 
To damn ourselves t' avoid being damn'd ; 1060 
Till finding your old foe, the hangman. 
Was like to lurch you at back-gammon, 
And win your necks upon the set, 
As well as ours, who did but bel 
M2 



250 HUDIBRAS. 

( For he had drawn your ears before, 1065 

And nick'd them on the self-same score,) 

We threw the box and dice away, 
Before y' had lost us at foul play ; 
And brought you down to rook, and lie, 

And fancy only, on the by ; 1070 

flcdeem'd your forfeit jobbernoles 

From perching upon lofty poles ; 

And rescii'd all your outward traitors 

From hanging up like alligators ; 

For which ingeniously y' have shewed 1075 

Your Presbyterian gratitude ; 

Would freely have paid us home in kind, 

And not have been one rope behind. 

Those were your motives to divide. 

And scruple on the other side ; 1080 

To turn your zealous frauds, and force. 

To fits of conscience and remorse ; 

To be convinc'd they were in vain. 

And face about for new again : 

For truth no more unveiFd your eyes, 1085 

Than maggots are convinced to flies ; 

A nd therefore all your lights and calls 

.re but apocryphal and false, 
To charge us with the consequences 
Of all our native insolences, 109O 

That to your own imperious wills 
Laid law and gospel neck and heels ; 
Corrupted the Old Testament, 
To serve the New for precedent ; 
T' amend its errors, and defects, 1095 

With murther, and rebellion-texts ; 
Of which there is not any one 
In all the book to sow upon : 
And therefore (from your tribe) the Jews 
Held Christian doctrine forth, and use ; 1100 
As Mahomet (your chief) began 
To mix them in the Alcoran ; 
Denounced and pray'd, with fierce devotion, 
And bended elbows on the cushion ; 
Stole from the beggars all your tones, 1105 
And gifted mortifying groans : 



PART m.— CANTO II. 251 

Had lights where better eyes were blind, 

As piffs are said to see the wind ; 

J^iird Bedlam with predestination, 

And Knightsbridge with illumination ; 1110 

Made children, with your tones to run for 't, 

As bad as Bloody-bones, or Lunsford ; 

While women, great with child, miscarry'd, 

For being tc nialignants niarry'd : 

Transformed all wives to Dallilahs, 1115 

Whose husbands were not for the cause; 

And turned the men to ten-hornM cattle, 

Because they came not out to battle; 

Made tailors' 'prentices turn heroes. 

For fear of being transformed to Meroz ; 1120 

And rather forfeit their indentures. 

Than not espouse the saints' adventures : 

Could transubstantiate, metamorphose. 

And charm whole heixls of beasts, like Orpheus ; 

Enchant the king's and church's lands 1125 

T' obey and follow your commands ; 

And settle on a new freehold. 

As Marcly-Hill had done of old ; 

Could turn the Covenant, and translate 

The gospel into spoons and plate ; 1130 

Expound upon all merchants' caslies, 

And open tli' intricatest places ? 

Could catechise a money-box, 

And prove all pouches orthodox ; 

Until the cause became a Damon, 1135 

And Pythias the wicked Mammon : 

And 3'^et, in spite of all your charms, 
To conjure legion up in arms. 
And raise more devils in the rout 
Than e'er y' were able to cast out, 1140 

Y' have been reduc'd, and by those fools 
Bred up (you say) in your own schools ; 
Who, though but gifted at your feet. 
Have made it plain, they have more wit ; 
By whom y' have been so oft trepann'd, 1145 
And held forth out of all command, 
Out-gifted, out-impuls'd, out-done, 
And out-reveal'd at carryings-on ; 



252 HUDIBKAS. 

Of all your dispensations worm'd ; 
Out-providenc'd, and out-reform '4- ^1.50 

Ejected out of church and state, 
And all things, but the people's hate 
And spirited out of th' enjoyments 
Of precious, edifying employments, 
By those who lodg'd their gifts and graces, 1156 
Like better bowlers, in your places : 
All which you bore with resolution, 
Charg'd on th' accompt of persecution ; 
And though most righteously opprest, 
Against your wills, still acquiesced ; 1160 

And never humm'd and hah'd sedition, 
Nor snuffled treason, nor misprision : 
That is, because you never durst ; 
For had you preachM and pray'd your worst, 
Alas ! you were no longer able 1165 

To raise your posse of the rabble : 
One single red-coat sentinel 
Out-charm'd the magic of the spell ; 
And, with his squirt-fire, could disperse 
Whole troops with chapter rais'd and verse-. 
We knew too well these tricks of yours, 1171 
To leave it ever in your powers ; 
Or trust or safeties, or undoings. 
To your disposing of out-goings ; 
Or to your ordering providence, 1175 

One farthing's worth of consequence. 
For had you pow'r to undermine, 
Or wit to carry a design. 
Or correspondence to trepan, 
Inveigle, or betray one man, 1180 

There's nothing else that intervenes, 
And bars your zeal to use the means ; 
And therefore, wondrous* like, no doubt, 
To bring in kings, or keep them out ; 
Brave undertakers to restore, llSf 

That coxild not keep yourselves in pow'r ; 
T' advance the interests of the crown, 
That wanted wit to keep your own ! 
'Tis true, you have (for I'd be loth 
To wrong ye) done your parts in both, 1190 



PART III.— CANTO II. 525.« 

To keep him out, and bring him in, 

As grace is introduced by sin ; 

For 'twas your zealous want of sense, 

And sanctify'd impertinence, 

Your carrying business in a huddle, 1195 

That forc'd our rulers to new-model ; 

Oblig'd the state to tack about, 

And turn you, root and branch, all out : 

To reformado, one and all, 

T'your great croysado-general : 1200 

Your greedy slav'ring to devour, 

Before 'twas in your clutches, powV, 

That sprung the game you were to set, 

Before y' had time to draw the net ; 

Your spite to see the church's lands 1205 

Divided into other hands. 

And all your sacrilegious ventures 

Laid out in tickets and debentures ; 

Your envy to be sprinkled down. 

By under-churches in the town ; 1210 

And no course us'd to stop their mouths, 

Nor th' Independents' spreading growths : 

All which consider'd, 'tis more true 

None bring him in so much as you ; 

Who have prevail'd beyond their plots, 1215. 

Their midnight juntos, and seal'd knots ; 

That thrive more by your zealous piques. 

Than all their own rash pohtics. 

And you this way may claim a share 

In carrying (as you brag) th' affair ; 1220 

Else frogs and toads, that croak 'd the Jews 

From Pharaoh and his brick-kilns loose. 

And flies and mange, that set them free 

From task-masters and slavery. 

Were hkelier to do the feat, 1225 

In any indiff'rent man's conceit : 

For who e'er heard of restoration 

Until your thorough reformation? 

That is, the king's and church's lands 

Were sequester'd int' other hands : 1230 ' 

1200. General Fairfax, who was soon laid aside after 
ne liad done soijie of iheir drudgery for them. 



254 HUDIBRAS. 

For only then, and not before, 

Your eyes were openM to restore ; 

And when the work was carrying on. 

Who cross'd it, but yourselves alone ? 

As by a world of hints appears, 1235 

All plain and extant as your ears. 

But first, o' th^ first •: The Isle of Wight 
Will rise up, if you should deny 't ; 
Where Henderson, and th' other masses, 
Were sent to cap texts, and put cases ; 1249 
To pass for deep and learned scholars, 
Although but paltry Ob and Sellers : 
As if th' unseasonable fools 
Had been a coursing in the schools ; 
Until th' had prov'd the devil author 1245 

O' th' Covenant, and the Cause his daughter : 
For when they charg'd him v/ith the guilt 
Of all the blood that had been spilt. 
They did not mean he wrouglit th' effusion, 
In person, like Sir Pride, or Hughson, 1250 
But only those who first begun 
The quarrel were by him set on ; 
And who could those be but the saints, 
Those reformation termagants? 

But ere this pass'd, the wise debate 1255 

Spent so much time, it grew too late ; 
For Oliver had gotten ground, 
T' inclose him with his warriors round ; 
Had brought his Providence about. 
And turn'd th' untimely sophists out. 126Q 

Nor had the Uxbridge bus'ness less 
Of nonsense in't, or sottishness. 
When from a scoundrel holderforth. 
The scum as well as son o* th' ea^th, 
Your mighty senators took law 1265 

At his command, were forc'd t' withdraw, 
And sacrifice the peace o' th' nation 
To doctrine, use, and application. 

1241. Two ridiculous scribblers, that were often pes 
tering the world with nonsense. 

1250. The one a brewer, tlie other a shoemaker, and 
both colonels in the rebels' army. 



PART III.— CANTO II. 255 

So when the Scots, your constant cr®nies, 

Th' espousers of your cause and moneys, 1270 

Who had so often, in your aid, 

►"§0 many ways been soundly paid, 

Came in at last for better ends, 

To prove themselves your trusty friends, 

You basely left them, and the church 1275 

They train'd you up to, in the lurch. 

And suffer'd your own tribe of Christians 

To fall before, as true Philistines. 

This shews what utensils y' have been, 

To bring the king's concernments in ; 1280 

Which is so far from being true, 

That none but he can bring in you ; 

And if he take you into trust. 

Will find you most exactly just. 

Such as will punctually repay 1285 

With double interest, and betray. 

Not that I think those pantomimes, 
Who vary action with the times. 
Are less ingenious in their art. 
Than those who dully act one part ; 1290 

Or those who turn from side to side, 
More guilty than the wind and tide. 
All countries are a wise man's home, 
And so are governments to some. 
Who change them for the sg,me intrigues 1295 
That statesmen use in breaking leagues : 
While others, in old faiths and troths. 
Look odd as out-of-fashion'd clothes; 
And nastier in an old opinion. 
Than those who never shift their linen. 1300 

For true and faithful's sure to lose. 
Which way soever the game goes ; 
And whether parties lose or win. 
Is always nick'd, or else hedg'd in : 
While pow'r usurp'd, like stol'n delight, 1 305 
Is more bewitching than the right ; 
And when the times begin to alter. 
None rise so high as from the halter. 

And so may we, if w' have but sense 
To use the necessary means ; 



25o HUDIBRAS. 

And not your usual stratagems 

On one another, lights and dreams : 

To stand on terms as positive, 

As if we did not take, but give : 

Set up the Covenant on crutches, 1315 

'Gainst tliose who have us in their clutches. 

And dream of pulling churches down, 

Before w' are sure to prop our own : 

Your constant method of proceeding, 

Without the carnal means of heeding ; 1320 

WJio 'twixt your inward sense and outward. 

Are worse, than if y' had none, accoutred. 

I grant, all courses are in vain. 

Unless we can get in again ; 

The only way that's left us now ; 1325 

But all tlie difficulty's how. 

'Tis true, w' have money, th' only pow'r 

That all mankind falls down before ; 

Money, that, like the swords of kings, 

Is the last reason of all things ; 1330 

And therefore need not doubt our play 

Has all advantages that way ; 

As long as men have faith to sell, 

And meet with those that can pay well ; 

Whose half-starv'd pride, and avarice, 1335 

One church and state will not suffice 

T' expose to sale, beside the wages 

Of storing plagues to after-ages. 

Nor is our money less our own. 

Than 'twas before we laid it down, 1340 

For 'twill return, and turn t' account. 

If we are brought in play upon 't ; 

Or but, by casting knaves, get in. 

What pow'r can hinder us to win ? 

We know the arts we us'd before, 1345 

In peace and war, and something more ; 

And by th' unfortunate events, 

Can mend our next experiments : 

For when w' are taken into trust. 

How easy are the wisest choust, 1359 

Who see but th' outsides of our feats, 

And not their secret springs and weights ; 



PART III.— CANTO II. 257 

And while they're busy at their ease, 
Can carry what designs we please ? ~ 
How easy is 't tq serve for agents, 1355 

To prosecute our old engagements ? 
To keep the good old cause on foot, 
And present pow'r from taking root ; 
Inflame them both with false alarms 
Of ])lots and parties taking arms ; 1300 

. To keep the nation's wounds too wide 
From healing up of side to side ; 
Profess the passionat'st concerns 
For both their interests by turns ; 
The only way to improve our own, 1365 

By dealing faithfully with none 
(As bowls run true, by being made 
On purpose false, and to be sway'd :) 
For if we should be true to either, 
'Twould turn us out of both together ; 1370 
And therefore have no other means 
To stand upon our own defence. 
But keeping up our ancient party 
In vigour, confident and hearty ; 
To reconcile our late dissenters, 1375 

Our brethren, though by other venters : 
CFnite them and tlieir different maggots, 
As long and short sticks are in fagots, 
•And make them join again as close 
As when they first began t' espouse ; 1380 

Erect them into separate 
New Jewish tribes, in church and state ; 
To join in marriage and commerce. 
And only among themselves converse ; 
And all that are not of their mind, 1385 

Make enemies to all mankind : 
Take all religions in, and stickle 
From conclave down to conventicle ; 
Agreeing still, or disagreeing. 
According to the light in being. 1396 

Sometimes for liberty of conscience, 
And spiritual mis-rule, in one sense ; 
But in another quite contrary, 
As dispensations chance to vary ; 



258 HUDIBRAS. 

And stand f^r, as the times will bear it, 1395 

All contradictions of the spirit ; 

Protect their emissaries erapower'd 

To preach sedition and the word; 

And when they're hampered by the laws, 

Release the laborers for the cause 1400 

And turn the persecution back 

On those that made the first attack; 

To keep them equally in awe, 

From breaking or maintaining law ; 

And when they have their fits too soon, 1405 

Before the full-tides of the moon. 

Put off their zeal t' a fitter season 

For sowing faction in and treason : 

And keep them hooded, and their churches, 

Like hawks from baiting on their perches, 1410 

That, when the blessed time shall come 

Of quitting Babylon and Rome, 

They may be ready to restore 

Their own fifth monarchy once more. 

Meanwhile be better arm'd to fence 3415 
Against revolts of Providence, 
By watching narrowly, and snapping 
All blind sides of it, as they happen : 
For if success should make us saints, 
Our ruin turn'd us miscreants : 1420 

A scandal that would fall too hard 
Upon a few, and unpreparM. 

These are the courses we must run, 
Spite of our hearts, or be undone ; 
And not to stand on terms and freaks, 1425 
Before we have securM our necks : 
But do our work, as out of sight, 
As stars by day, and suns by night ; 
All license of the people own, 
In opposition to the crown ; 1430 

And for the crown as fiercely side, 
The head and body to divide ; 
The end of all we first design'd, 
And all that yet remains behind : 
Be sure to spare no public rapine, 1435- 

On all emergencies that happen ; 



PART m.—CANTO II. 259 

For 'tis as easy to supplant 

Authority as men in want ; 

As some of us, in trusts, have made 

Tlie one hand with the otlier trade ; 1440 

GainM vastly by their joint endeavour, 

The right a tliief, the left receiver ; 

And what the one, by tricks, forestalFd, 

The other, by as sly, rctaifd. 

For gain has wonderful effects 1445 

T' improve the factory of sects; 

The rule of faith in all professions, 

And great Diana of the Ephesians ; 

Whence turning of religion 's made 

The means to turn and wind a trade : 1450 

And though some change it for the wors 

They put themselves into a course ; 

And draw iif store of customers, 

To thrive the better in commerce : 

For all religions flock together, 145'^ 

Like tame and wild fowl of a feather ; 

To nab the itches of their sects, 

As jades do one another's necks. 

Hence 'tis, hypocrisy as well 

Will serve t' improve a church as zeal : 1460 

As persecution or promotion 

Do equally advance devotion. 

Let business, like ill watches, go 
Sometimes too fast, sometimes too slow ; 
For things in order are put out 1465 

So easy, ease itself will do't ; 
But when the feat's design'd and meant, 
What miracle can bar tli' event ? 
For 'tis more easy to betray, 1470 

Than ruin any other way. 
All possible occasions start 
The weightiest matters to divert ; 
Obstruct, perplex, distract, entangle, 
And lay perpetual trains to wrangle. 
But in affairs of less import, 1 475 

That neither do us good nor hurt, 
And they receive as little by, 
Out-fawn as much, and out-comply; 



2G0 HUDIBRAS. 

And seem as scrupulously just, 

To bait our hooks for greater trust 1480 

But still be careful to cry down 

All public actions, though our own 

The least miscarriage aggravate, 

And charge it all upon the state : 

Express the horrid §t detestation, 1485 

And pity the distracted nation ; 

Tell stories scandalous and false, 

r th'' proper language of cabals. 

Where all a subtle statesman says. 

Is half in words, and half in face, 1490 

(As Spaniards talk in dialogues 

Of heads and shoulders, nods and shrugs:) 

Intrust it under solemn vows 

Of mum, and silence, and the rose, 

To be retail'd again in whispers, 1495 

For th' easy credulous to disperse. 

Thus far the statesman — when a shout, 
'^llearf' at a distance, put him out ; 
And straight another, all aghast, 
RushM in with equal fear and haste : 1500 

Who star'd about, as pale as death, 
And, for a while, as out of breath ; 
Till having gather'd up his wits. 
He thus began his tale by fits. 

That beastly rabble — that came down 1505 
From all the garrets — in the town. 
And stalls, and shop-boards — in vast swarms. 
With new-chalk'd bills — and rusty arms, 
To cry the cause — up, heretofore. 
And bawl the bishops — out of door, 1510 

^re now drawn up — in greater shoals. 
To roast — and broil us on the coals, 
And all the grandees — of our members 
Are carbonading — on the embers ; 
Knights, citizens, and burgesses — 1515 

Held forth by rumps — of pigs and geese. 
That serve for characters — and badges 
To represent their personages : 

1505. This is an accurate description of the mob's 
burning rumps upon tlie admission of the secluded meitv 
bei-s, in contempt of the Rump Tarliament. 



PART III.— CANTO II. £61 

Each bonfire is a funeral pile, 
In whicli they roast, and scorch, and broil, 
And ev'ry representative Lr21 

Have vow'd toroast and broil alive. 

And 'tis a miracle we are not 
Already sacrificed incarnate : 
For while we wrangle here, and jar 1525 

W are grillyM all at Temple-Bar : 
Some on the sign-post of an ale-house, 
Hang in effigie, on the gallows ; 
Made up of rags, to personate 
Respective officers of state ; 1530 

That henceforth they may stand reputed, 
Proscribed in law, and executed ; 
And while the work is carrying on. 
Be ready listed under Dun, 
That worthy patriot, once the bellows, 1535 
And tinder-box, of all his fellows ; 
The activ'st member of the five, 
As well as the most primitive ; 
Who, for his faithful service then, 
Is chosen for a fifth agen 1540 

(For since the state has made a quint 
Of generals, he's listed in't.) 
This worthy, as the world will say, 
Is paid in specie, his own way ; 
For, moulded to the life in clouts, 1545 

Th' have pick'd from dunghills hereabouts, 
He's mounted on a hazle bavin, 
A cropp'd malignant baker gave 'em ; 
And to the largest bonfire riding. 
They've roasted Cook already and Pride in : 
On whom, in equipage and state, 1551 

His scarecrow fellow-members wait. 
And march in order, two and two. 
As at thanksgivings th' us'd to do ; 
Each in a tatter'd talisman, 1555 

Like vermin in effigie slain. 

1534. The liangman's name at that thne was Dun. 

1550. Cook acted as solicitor-general against King 
Charles the First at his trial, and afterwards receive*' 
(lis jnst reward for ,the same. Pride, a coloneJ 'o t!K. 
Parliament's armv 



264 HUDIBRAS. 

But now, alas ! they're all expirM 
And th' House, as well as members, fir'd ; 
ConsumM in kennels by the rout, 
With which they other fires put out : 
Condemned t' ungoverning distress, 1635 

And paltry private wretchedness ; 
Worse than the devil, to privation, 
Beyond all hopes of restoration ; 
And parted, like the body and soul. 
From all dominion and control. 1640 

We, who could lately with a look 
Enact, establish, or revoke ; 
Whose arbitrary nods gave law. 
And frowns kept multitudes in awe ; 
Before the bluster of whose huff, 1645 

All hats, as in a storm, flew off; 
Ador'd and bow'd to by the great, 
Down to the footman and valet ; 
Had more bent knees ti jan chapel-mats, 
And prayers than the crowns of nats ; 1650 
Shall now be scorned as wretchedly, 
For ruin's just as low as high ; 
Which might be suffer'd, were it all 
The horror that attends our fall : 
For some of us have scores more large 1655 
Than heads and quarters can discharge ; 
And others, who, by restless scraping, 
With public frauds, and private rapine, 
Have mighty heaps of wealth amass'd. 
Would gladly lay down all at last ; 1660 

And to be but undone, entail 
Their vessels on perpetual jail ; 
And bless the dev'l to let them farms 
Of forfeit souls on no worse terms. 

This said, a near and louder shout 1665 

Put all th' assembly to the rout. 
Who now began t' out-run their fear. 
As horses do^from whom they bear ; 
But crowded on with so much haste, 
Until th' had block'd the passage fast, 1670 
And barricado'd it with haunches 
Of rutvi'.-ivci meK, and bulky, and paunches. 



PART III.— CANTO 111. 2Gj 

That with their shoulders strove to squeeze, 

And rather save a crippFd piece 

Of all their crush'd and broken members, 1G75 

Than have them grilled on the embers; 

Still pressing on with heavy packs 

Of one another on their backs, 

The vanguard could no longer bear 

The charges of the forlorn rear, 1G80 

But, borne down headlong by the rout. 

Were trampled sorely under foot : 

¥et nothing prov'd so formidable 

As the horrid cookery of the rabble ; 

And fear, that keeps all feeling out, 16S5 

As lesser pains are by the gout, 

ileliev'd 'em with a fresh supply 

Of rallied force enough to fly. 

And beat a Tuscan running horse. 

Whose jockey-rider is all spurs, 1690 



CANTO III. 

'J'he Knight and Squire's prodigious flight 
To quit th' enchanted bow'r by night. 
He plods to turn his amorous suit 
T' a plea in law, and prosecute : 
Repairs to counsel, to advise 
'Bout managing the enterprise ; 
But first resolves to try by letter. 
And one more fair address, to get her 

Who would believe what strange bugbears 

Mankind creates itself, of fears 

That spring like fern, that insect weed, 

Equivocally, without seed ; 

And have no possible foundation, 'i 

But merely in th' imagination ; 

And yet can do more dreadful feats 

Than hags, with all their imps.and teats-, 

Make more bewitch and haunt themselves 

'I'han all their nurseries of elves r' lu 

8. Alluding to the vulgar opinion, thai witches have 
iheir imps, or famiLar spirits, that are employed in their 
fiabolical practices, and suck private teats uiey have 
jibcut ihem 

N 



264 HUDIBRAS. 

But now, alas ! they're all expirM 
And th' House, as well as members, fir'd ; 
Consumed in kennels by the rout, 
With which they other fires put out : 
Condemned t' ungoverning distress, 1635 

And paltry private wretchedness ; 
Worse than the devil, to privation, 
Beyond all hopes of restoration ; 
And parted, like the body and soul, 
From all dominion and control. 1640 

We, who could lately with a look 
Enact, eslabhsh, or revoke ; 
Whose arbitrary nods gave law. 
And frowns kept multitudes in awe ; 
Before the bluster of whose huff, 1645 

All hats, as in a storm, flew off; 
Ador'd and bow'd to by the great, 
Down to the footman and valet ; 
Had more bent knees ti.an chapel-mats, 
And prayers than the crowns of nats ; 1650 
Shall now be scoru'd as wretchedly, 
For ruin's just as low as high ; 
Which might be sufFer'd, were it all 
The horror that attends our fall : 
For some of us have scores more large 1655 
Than heads and quarters can discharge ; 
And others, who, by restless scraping, 
With public frauds, and private rapine, 
Have mighty heaps of wealth amassM, 
Would g-ladiy lay down all at last ; 1660 

And to be but undone, entail 
Their vessels on perpetual jail ; 
And bless the dev'l to let them farms 
Of forfeit souls on no worse terms. 

This said, a near and louder shout 1665 

Put all th' assembly to the rout. 
Who now began t' out-run their fear. 
As horses dofrom whom they bear ; 
But crowded on with so much haste. 
Until th' had block 'd the passage fast, 1670 
And barricado'd it with liaunches 
Of rutwrd men, and bulks, and paunches. 



PART III.— CANTO 111. 263 

That with their shoulders strove to squeeze, 

And rather save a crippl'd piece 

Of all their crush'd and broken members, 1G75 

Than have them grilled on the embers ; 

Still pressing on with heavy packs 

Of one another on their backs, 

The vanguard could no longer bear 

The charges of the forlorn rear, 1G80 

But, borne down headlong by the rout, 

Were trampled sorely under foot : 

¥ct nothing prov'd so formidable 

As the horrid cookery of the rabble ; 

And fear, that keeps all feehng out, 1665 

As lesser pains are by the gout, 

Reliev''d 'em with a fresh supply 

Of rallied force enough to fly, 

And beat a Tuscan running horse, 

Whose jockey-rider is all spurs. 1690 



CANTO III. 

'J'he Knight and Squire's jii odigious flight 
To quit th' enchanted bow'r by night. 
He plods to turn his amorous suit 
T' a plea in law, and prosecute : 
Repairs to counsel, to advise 
'Bout managing the enterprise ; 
But first resolves to try by letter, 
And one more fair address, to get her 

Who would believe what strange bugbears 

Mankind creates itself, of fears 

That spring like fern, that insect weed. 

Equivocally, without seed ; 

And have no possible foundation, 'i 

But merely in th' imagination ; 

And yet can do more dreadful feats 

Than hags, with all their imps, and teats-, 

Make more bewitch and haunt themselves 

'i'han all their nurseries of elves r^ Ic 

8. Alluding to the vulgar opinion, thai witches have 
their imps, or fainii.ar spirits, that are employed in their 
dabolical practices, and auck private teats tney have 
abtut iheni 

N 



266 HUDIBRAS. 

For fear does things so like a witch, 

""Tis hard t'unriddle which is which . 

Sets up communities of senses, 

To chop and change intelligences ; 

As Rosicrucian virtuosos 15 

Can see with ears, and hear with noses ; 

And wljen they neither see nor hear. 

Have more than both supply'd by fear ; 

That makes 'em in the dark see visions, 

And hag themselves with apparitions ; 20 

And when their eyes discover least, 

Discern the subtlest objects best : 

Do things not contrary, alone, 

To th' course of nature, but its own ; 

The courage of the bravest daunt, 25 

And turn poltroons as valiant. 

For men as resolute appear 

With too much as too little fear ; 

And when they're out of hopes of flying, 

Will run away from death, by dying ; 30 

Or turn again to stand it out, 

And those they fled, hke lions, rout. 

This Hudibras had prov'd too true, 
Who, by the furies left perdue. 
And haunted with detachments, sent 35 

From Marshal Legion's regiment, 
Was by a fiend, as counterfeit, 
Reliev'd and rescued with a cheat ; 
When nothing but himself, and fear. 
Was both the imp and conjurer ; 40 

As, by the rules o' th' virtuosi. 
It follows in due form of poesie. 

Disguis'd in all the masks of night. 
We left our champion on his flight. 
At blindman's buff, to grope his way, 45 

In equal fear of night and day ; 

15. The Rosicrucians were a sect that appeared in 
Germany in the beginning of the 17th age. They are 
also called the enlightened, inimorlal, and invisible. 
They arc a very enihusiastical sort of men, and hold 
many wild and extrav.igant opinions. 

:J6. He'u.sed to preach, as if they might expect legiona 
to drop down from heaven, for the propagation of th.e 
good old Cimtiu 



PART III.— CANTO III. 267 

Who took his dark and dcsp'rate course, 

He knew no bettor than his horse ; 

And, by an unknown devil led 

(He knew as little whither) fled. 50 

He never was in greater need, 

Nor less capacity, of speed ; 

Disabled, both in man and beast. 

To fly and run away his best ; 

To keep the enemy, and fear, 55 

From equal falling on his rear. 

And though v^^ith kicks and bangs he plyM 

The fartlier and the nearer side 

(As seamen ride with all their force, 

And tug as if they rowVl the horse, GO 

And when the hackney sails most swift, 

Believe they lag, or run adrift,) 

So, though he posted e'er so fast. 

His fear was greater than his haste : 

For fear, though fleeter than the wind, 65 

Believes 'tis always left behind. 

But when the morn began t' appear, 

And sliift V another scene his fear. 

He found his new officious shade. 

That came so timely to his aid, 70 

And forc'd him from the foe t' escape, 

Had turn'd itself to Ralpho's shape ; 

So like in person, garb, and pitch, 

'Twas hard t' interpret which was which. 

For Ralpho had no sooner told 75 

The Lady all he had t' unfold. 
But she conveyed him out of sight, 
To entertain th' approaching Knight ; 
And, while he gave himself diversion, 
T' accommodate his beast and person, 80 

And put his beard into a posture 
At best advantage to accost her. 
She ordered the anti-masquerade 
(For his reception) aforesaid : 
But when tlie ceremony was done, 85 

The lights put out, and furies gone, 
And Hudibras, among the rest, 
Convey \1 awa3^ as Ralpho guess'd. 



268 HUDIBRAS. 

The wretched caitiff, all alone 

(As he beUev'd) begaii to moan, 90 

And tell his story to himself, 

The Knight mistook him for an elf; 

And did so still, till he began 

To scruple at Ralph's outward man ; 

And thought, because they oft agreed 05 

T' appear in one another's stead. 

And act the saint's and devil's part 

With undistinguishable art, 

They might have done so now, perhaps, 

And put on one another's shapes : 100 

And therefore, to resolve the doubt, 

He star'd upon him, and cry'd out, 

What art? My Squire, or that bold sprite 

That took his place and shape to-night.'' 

Some busy, independent pug, 105 

Retainer to his synagogue ? 

Alas ! quoth he, I'm none of those, 

Your bosom friends, as you suppose ; 

But Ralph himself, your trusty Squire, 109 

Wh' has dragg'd your Donship out o' th' mire, 

And from the enchantments of a widow, 

Wh' had turn'd you int' a beast, have freed you ; 

And, though a prisoner of war, 

Have brought you safe where you now are ; 

Which you would gratefully repay 115 

Your constant Presbyterian way. 

That's stranger (quoth the Knight) and 
Who gave thee notice of my danger .'' [stranger ; 

Quoth he, Th' infernal conjurer 
Pursued and took me prisoner; 120 

And knowing you were hereabout. 
Brought me along to find you out; 
Where I in hugger-mugger hid. 
Have noted all they said or did : 
And though they lay to him the pageant, 125 
I did not see him, nor his agent ; 
Who play'd their sorc'ries out of sight ; 
T' avoid a fiercer second fight. 
But didst thou see no devils then ? 
Not one (quoth he) but carnal men, 13(1 



PART ITL— CANTO III. 0G9 

A little worse than fiends in hell, 
And that she-devil Jezebel, 
That laugliVl and lee-heM with derision, 
To see them talve your deposition. 

What then (quoth Hudibras) was ho 135 
That play'd the devl to examine me.'' 
A rallying weaver in the town. 
That did it in a parson's gown, 
Whom all the parish take for gifted ; 
But, for my part, I ne'er believ'd it : 140 

In which you told them all your feats, 
Your conscientious frauds and cheats ; 
Deny'd your whipping, and confest 
The naked truth of all the rest, 
More plainly than the rev 'rend writer, 145 

That to our churches veil'd his mitre ; 
All which they took in black and white, 
And cudgeird me to under-write. 

What made thee, when they all were gone. 
And none but thou and I alone, 150 

To act the devil, and forbear 
To rid me of my hellish fear ? 

Quoth he, I knew your constant rate 
And frame of spVit too obstinate 
To be by me prevailed upon 155 

With any motives of my own ; 
And therefore strove to counterfeit 
The dev'l awhile to nick your wit ; 
The dev'l, that is your constant crony, 
That only can prevail upon ye ; 160 

Else we might still have been disputing. 
And they with weighty drubs confuting. 

The Knight, who now began to find 
Th' had left the enemy behind. 
And saw no farther harm remain, 165 

But feeble weariness and pain, 
Perceiv'd, by losing of their way, 
Th' had gain'd th' advantage of the day ; 
And, by declining of the road. 
They had, by chance, their rear made good ; 170 

145. A most reverend prelate, A. B. of Y. who sided 
with the disaffected party 



S70 HUDIBRAS. 

He venturM to dismiss his fear, 

That parting 's want to rent and tear, 

And give the despcrat'st attack 

To danger still behind its back : 

For having paused to recollect, 175 

And on his past success reflect, 

T' examine and consider why, 

And whence, and how, they earne to fly, 

And when no devil had appeared, 

What else, it could be said, he fear'd ; 180 

It put him in so fierce a rage, 

He once resolved to re-engage ; 

Toss'd like a foot-ball back again. 

With shame and vengeance, and disdain. 

Quoth he. It was thy cowardice ]8.'> 

That made me from this leaguer rise : 

And when Fd half reduc'd the place, 

To quit it infamously base : 

Was better cover'd by the new- 

Arriv'd detachment than I knew ; 190 

To slight my new acquests, and run 

Victoriously from battles won ; 

And reckoning all I gained or lost. 

To sell them cheaper than they cost ; 

To make me put myself to flight, 195 

And conquering run away by night ; 

To drag me out, which th' haughty foe 

Durst never have presumed to do ; 

To mount me in the dark, by force, 

Upon the bare ridge of my horse ; 200 

Exposed in querpo to their rage, 

Without my arms and equipage ; 

Lest, if they ventur'd to pursue, 

I might th' unequal fight renew ; 

And, to preserve thy outward man, 205 

Assum'd my place, and led the van. 

All this quoth Ralph, I did, 'tis true, 
Not to preserve myself, but you ; 
You, who were damn'd to baser drubs 
Than wretches feel in powdering tubs ? 210 
To mount two-wheel'd caroches, worse 
Than managing a wooden horse ; 



PART III.— CANTO III. 271 

DraggM out throuo']i straitor holes by tlf ears, 
Eras'd or coupVl for perjurers; 
Who, though t,ir attempt had provVl in vain. 
Had had no reason to complain : 21G 

But since it prospered, 'tis unliandsome 
To blamfe the hand that paid your ransom, 
And rescued your obnoxious bones 
From unavoidable battoons. 220 

The enemy was reinforced, 
And we disabled, and unhors'd, 
Disarm'd, unquahfyM for fight. 
And no way left but hasty flight. 
Which, though as desp'rate in th' attempt, 225 
Has giv'n you freedom to condemn 't. 
But were our bones in fit condition 
To reinforce the expedition, 
'Tis now unseasonable, and vain, 
To think of falling on again. 2o0 

No martial project to surprise 
Can ever be attempted twice ; 
Nor can design serve afterwards, 
As gamesters tear their losing-cards. 
Beside our bangs of man and beast 23.1 

Are fit for nothing now but rest, 
And for a while will not be able 
To rally and prove serviceable ; 
And therefore I, with reason, chose 
This stratagem t' amuse our foes ; 240 

To make an honourable retreat, 
And wave a total sure defeat : 
For those that fly may fight again. 
Which he can never do that's slain. 
Hence timely running 's no mean part 245 
Of conduct in the martial art; 
By which some glorious feats achieve. 
As citizens by breaking thrive ; 
And cannons conquer armies, while 
They seem to draw off and recoil ; 250 

Is held the gallanfst course, and bravest, 
To great exploits, as well as safest ; 
That spares th' expense of time and pains, 
And dangerous beating out of brains; 



272 HUDIBRAS. 

And ill the end prevails as certain 255 

As those tliat never trust to fortune ; 

But make their fear do execution 

Beyond the stoutest resolution ; 

As earthquakes kill without a blow, 

And, only trembling-, overthrow. ' 2G0 

If th' ancients crowned their bravest men, 

That only sav'd a citizen. 

What victory could e'er be won, 

If evVy one would save but one? 

Or fight endangered to be lost, 2G5 

Where all resolve to save the most ? 

By this means when a battle's won. 

The war 's as far from being done ; 

For those that save themselves, and fly, 

Go halves, at least, i' th' victory ; 270 

And sometimes, when the loss is small, 

And danger great, they challenge all ; 

Print new additions to their feats. 

And emendations in Gazettes ; 

And when, for furious haste to run, 275 

They durst not stay to fire a gun, 

Have done 't with bonfires, at home 

Made squibs and crackers overcome ; 

To set the rabble on a flame, 

And keep their governors from blame ; 280 

Disperse the news the pulpit tells, 

Confirm'd with fire-works and with bells ; 

And though reduc'd to that extreme. 

They have been forc'd to sing Te Deum ; 

Yet, wth religious blasphemy, 285 

By flattering Heaven with a lie, 

And for their beating giving thanks, 

Th' have rais'd recruits, and fill'd their banks ; 

For those who run from th' enemy, 

Engage them equally to fly ; 290 

And when the fight becomes a chase. 

Those win the day that win the race ; 

And that which would not pass in fights, 

Has done the feat with easy flights ; 

261. The Romans highly honoured, and nobly re- 
warded, those persons that were instrumental in the 
preservation of ilie lives of their citizens, either in battle 
or otherwise. 



PART III.— CANTO III. 273 

Reeover'd many a desp'rate campaign 295 

With Bourdeaux, Burgundy, and Champaign : 

RestorM the fainting high and mighty 

Witli Brand\'-wine and aqua-vitas ; 

And made 'em stoutly overcome 

With Bacrack, Hoccamore, and Mum ; 300 

Whom th' uncontroird decrees of fate 

To victory necessitate ; 

With which, although they run or burn. 

They unavoidably return : 

Or else their sultan populaces 305 

Still strangle all their routed Bassas. 

Quoth Hudibras, I understand 
What fights thou meanest at sea and land, 
And who those were that run away, 
And yet gave out tli' had won the day ; 310 
Although the rabble sous'd them for 't, 
O'er head and ears, in mud and dirt. 
'Tis true, our modern way of war 
Is grown more politic by far, 
But not so resolute and bold, 315 

Nor ty'd to honour, as the old. 
For now they laugh at giving battle, 
Unless it be to herds of cattle ; 
Or fighting convoys of provision, 
The whole design o' th' expedition ; 320 

And not with downright blows to rout 
The enemy, but eat them out : • 

As fighting, in all beasts of prey, 
And eating, are performed one way, 
To give defiance to their teeth, 325 

And fight their stubborn guts to death ; 
And those achieve the high'st renown, 
That bring the others stomachs down. 
There's now no fear of wounds, nor maiming; 
All dangers are reduc'd to famine ; 330 

And feats of arms, to plot, design. 
Surprise, and stratagem, and mine ; 

305 The author compares t!ic arbitrary actings of the 
ungovernable mob to the Sultan or Grand Si^nior, who 
very seldom fails to sacrifice any of his chief comman- 
ders, called Dassas, il tliey prove unsuccessful in battle 
N 2 



274 HUDIBRAS. 

But have no need nor use of courag'e, 

Unless it be for glory or forag-c : 

For if they fight, 'tis but by clianco, 335 

When one side vcnt'ring to advance, 

And come uncivilly too near, 

Are charg-'d unmercifully i' th' rear ; 

And forc'd, with terrible resistance ; 

To keep hereafter at a distance ; 340 

To pick out ground t"" encamp upon, 

Where store of largest rivers run, 

That serve, instead of peaceful barriers. 

To part th' engagements of their warriors ; 

Were both from side to side may skij), 345 

And only encounter at bo-peep : 

For men are found the stouter-hearted, 
The certainer th' are to be parted, 

And therefore post themselves in bogs, 

As th' ancient mice attack'd the frogs, 350 

And made their mortal enemy. 

The water-rat, their strict ally. 

For 'tis not now, v/ho's stout and bold, 

But who bears hunger best, and cold ; 

And he's approv'd the most deserving, 355 

Who longest can hold out at starving ; 

And he that routs most pigs and cows, 

The formidablest man of prowess. 

So th' emperor Caligula, 

Tliat triumph'd o'er the British Sea, 360 

Took crabs and oysters prisoners. 

And lobsters, 'stead of cuirassiers ; 

Engaged his legions in fierce bustles 

With periwinkles, prawns, and muscles ; 

And led his troops with fari««is gallops, 365 

To charge whole regiments of scallops; 

Not like their ancient way of war, 

To wait on his triumphal car; 

But, when he went to dine or sup. 

More bravely eat his captives up : 370 

And left all war, by his example. 

Reduced to vicfling of a camp well. 

S.'SO. Homer wrote a poem of ilie war between the 
mice and tho frogs. 



PART III.— CANTO III. 275 

Quoth Ralph, By all that you have said, 
And twice as much that I could add, 
'Tis plain you cannot now do worse 375 

Than take this out-of-fashion'd course, 
To hope, by stratagem to woo her, 
Or waging battle to subdue her : 
Though some have done it in romances 
And bang'd them into amorous fancies ; 380 
As those who won the Amazons, 
By wanton drubbing of their bones ; 
And stout Rinaldo gainM his bride, 
By courting of her back and side. 
But since those times and feats are over, 385 
They are not for a modern lover, 
"When mistresses are too cross-grainM 
By such addresses to be gain'd ; 
And if they were, would have it out 
With many another kind of bout. 390 

Therefore I hold no course s' infeasible, 
As this of force, to win the Jezebel ; 
To storm her heart, by th' antic charms 
Of ladies errant, force of arms ; 
But rather strive by law to win her, 395 

And try the title you have in her. 
Your case is clear ; you have her word, 
And me to witness the accord ; 
Besides two more of her retinue 
To testify what pass'd between you ; 400 

More probable, and like to hold. 
Than hand, or seal, or breaking gold ; 
For which so many that renounc'd 
Their plighted contracts have been trounc"'d ; 
And bills upon record been found, 405 

That forcM the ladies to compound ; 
And that, unless I miss the matter, 
Is all the business you look after. 
Besides, encounters at tlie bar 
Are braver now than those in war, 410 

In which the law does execution 
With less disorder and confusion ; 

383. A story in Tasso, an Italian poet, of a hero that 
gained liisniislreasby conquuiing her paity. 



276 HUDIBRAS. 

Has more of honour in 't, some hold, 

Not like the new way, but the old, 

When those the pen had drawn together, 415 

Decided quarrels with a feather, 

And winged arrows kill'd as dead, 

And more than bullets now of lead. 

So all their combats now, as then, 

Are mauagM chiefly by the pen ; 420 

That does the feat with braver vigours, 

In words at length, as well as figures : 

Is judge of all the world performs 

In voluntary feats of arms ; 

And wliatsoe'er 's achieved in fight, 425 

Determines which is wrong or right ; 

For whether you prevail, or lose, 

All must be try'd there in the close : 

And therefore 'tis not wise to shun 

What you must trust to ere y' have done. 430 

The law, that settles all you do, 
And marries where you did but woo ; 
That makes the most perfidious lover 
A lady, that's as false, recover ; 
And if it judge upon your side, 435 

Will soon extend her for your bride, 
And put her person, goods, or lands, 
Or which you like best, int' your hands. 

For law 's the wisdom of all ages, 
And manag'd by the ablest sages ; 440 

Who, though their business at the bar 
Be but a kind of civil war. 
In which th' engage with fiercer dudgeons 
Than e'er the Grecians did and Trojans, 
They never manage the contest 445 

T' impair their public interest, 
Or by their controversies lessen 
The dignity of their profession : 
Not like us brethren who divide 
Our commonwealth, the cause, and side ; 450 
And though w' are all as near of kindred 
As th' outward man is to the inward, 
We agree in nothing but to wrangle 
About the slightest fingle-fangle ; 



PART III.— CANTO III. 277 

While lawyers have more sober sense 455 

Than t' argue at their own expense, 

But make theii> best advantages 

Of others' quarrels, like the Swiss; 

And out of foreign controversies, 

By aiding both sides fill their purses ; 460 

But have no int'rest in the cause 

For which th' engage, and wage the laws ; 

Nor farther prospect than their pay. 

Whether they lose or win the day : 

And though they abounded in all ages, 466 

With sundry learned clerks and sages, 

Though all their business be dispute. 

Which way they canvass evVy suit, 

Th' have no disputes about their art, 

Nor in polemics controvert ; 470 

While all professions else are found 

With nothing but disputes t' abound ; 

Divines of all sorts, and physicians, 

Philosophers, mathematicians. 

The Galenist and Paracelsian, 475 

Condemn the way each other deals in ; 

Anatomists dissect and mangle. 

To cut themselves out work to wrangle ; 

Astrologers dispute their dreams. 

That in their sleeps they talk of schemes ; 480 

And heralds stickle who got who. 

So many hundred years ago. 

But lawyers are too wise a nation 
T' expose their trade to disputation, 
Or make the busy rabble judges 485 

Of all their secret piques and grudges ; 
In which whoever wins the day, 
The whole profession 's sure to pay. 
Beside, no mountebanks, nor cheats. 
Dare undertake to do their feats ; 490 

When in all other sciences 
They swarm, like insects, and increase. 

For what bigot durst ever draw, 
By inward light, a deed in law? 
Or could hold forth, by revelation, 495 

An answer to a declaration ? 



278 HUDIBRAS. 

For those that meddle with their tools 
Will cut their fingers, if they 're fools : 
And if you follow their advice, 
In bills, and answers, and replies, 500 

They '11 write a love-letter in chancery, 
Shall bring her upon oath to answer ye, 
And soon reduce her to b' your wife, 
Or make her weary of her life. 

The Knight, who us'd Vv^ith tricks and shifts 
To edify by Ralpho's gifts, 506 

But in appearance cry'd him down, 
To make them better seem his own 
(All plagiaries' constant course 
Of sinking, when they took a purse) 510 

Resolv'd to follow his advice, 
But kept it from him by disguise ; 
And, after stubborn contradiction, 
To counterfeit his own conviction, 
And by transition fall upon 515 

The resolution as his own. 

Quoth he. This gambol thou advisest 
Is of all others the unwisest ; 
For if I think by law to gain her. 
There 's nothing sillier or vainer. 520 

'Tis but to hazard my pretence, 
Where nothing 's certain but th' expense ; 
To act against mj^self, and traverse 
My suit and title to her favours ; 
And if she should (vi'hich Heav'n forbid) 525 
O'erthrow me, as the fiddler did. 
What after-course have I to take, 
'Gainst losing all I have at stake ? 
He that with injury is griev'd. 
And goes to law to be reliev'd, 530 

Is sillier than a sottish chouse, 
Who, when a thief has robb'd his house. 
Applies himself to cunning men, 
To help him to his goods agen ; 
When all he can expect to gain 535 

Is but to squander more in vain : 
And yet 1 have no other way 
But is as ditficult to play : 



PART III.— CANTO III. 279 

For to reduce her by main force 

Is now in vain : by fair means, worpe ; 540 

But worst of aW to give her over, 

Till she 's as desp'rale to recover : 

For bad games are thrown up too soon, 

Until til' are never to be won. 

But since I have no other course 545 

But is as bad t' attempt, or worse. 

He that comphes against his will, 

Is of his own opinion still ; 

Which he may adhere to, yet disown, 

For reasons to himself best known : 550 

But 'tis not to b' avoided now. 

For Sidrophel resolves to sue ; 

Whom I must answer, or begin 

Inevitably first with him ; 

For I've receiv'd advertisement, 555 

By times enough, of his intent ; 

4nd knowing he that first complains 

Til' advantage of the business gains ; 

For courts of justice understand 

The plaintiff to be eldest hand ; 560 

Who what he pleases may aver, 

The other nothing till he swear ; 

Is freely admitted to all grace, 

And lawful favour, by his place ; 

And for his bringing custom in, 565 

Has all advantages to win : 

I, who resolve to oversee 

No lucky opportunity, 

Will go to counsel, to advise 

Which way t' encounter, or surprise ; 570 

And, after long consideration. 

Have found out one to fit tli' occasion. 

Most apt for what I have to do. 

As counsellor and justice too. 

And truly so, no doubt, he was, 575 

A lawyer fit for such a case. 

An old dull sot, who told the clock 
For many years at Bridewell-dock, 

577 Prideaiix, a justice of peace, a very pragmatical 
busy person in those times, and a mercenary. and cruel 



280 HUDIBRAS. 

At Westminster, and HickVHall, 

And Hiccius Doctius play'd in all ; 580 

Where in all governments and times, 

H' had been both friend and foe to crimes, 

And us'd two equal ways of gaining, 

By hindering justice, or maintaining; 

To many a whore gave privilege, ~ 585 

And whipp'd, for want of quarterage ; 

Cart-loads of bawds to prison sent. 

For b'ing behind a fortnight's rent ; 

And many a trusty pimp and crony 

To Puddle-dock, for want of money; 590 

Engag'd the constable to seize 

All those that would not break the peace, 

Nor give him back his own foul words, 

Tiiough sometimes commoners or lords, 

And kept 'em prisoners of course, 595 

For being sober at ill hours ; 

That in the morning he might free 

Or bind 'em over for his fee : 

Made monsters fine, and puppet-plays, 

For leave to practise in their ways ; GOO 

Farm'd out all cheats, and went a share 

With th' headborough and scavenger ; 

And made the dirt i' th' streets compound 

For taking up the public ground ; 

The kennel, and the king's highway, 605 

For being unmolested, pay ; 

Let out the stocks, and whipping-post. 

And cage, to those that gave him most ; 

Impos'd a tax on bakers' ears. 

And for false weights on chandelers ; 610 

Made victuallers and vintners fine 

For arbitrary ale and wine ; 

But was a kind and constant friend 

To all that regularly offend ; 

As residentiary bawds, 615 

And brokers that receive stol'n goods ; 

magistrate, infamous for the following metliodg of get- 
ting money among many others. 

589. There was a iail for puny offenders. 

599. He extorted money from those that liept shows, 



PART III.— CANTO III. 281 

That clieat in lawful mystories, 

And pay church duties and his fees ; 

But was implacable, and awkward, 

To all tliat interlop'd and hawkerM. 620 

To this brave man the Knight repairs 
For counsel in his law-afFairs ; 
And found him mounted in his pew, 
With books and money plac'd for show, 
Like nest-eggs, to make clients lay, 625 

And for his false opinion pay : 
To whom the Knight, witli comely grace, 
Put off Jiis hat to put his case ; 
Which he as proudly entertainM 
As th' other courteously strain'd ; 630 

And, to assure him 'twas not that 
He looked for, bid him put on 's hat. 

Quoth he, There is one Sidrophel, 
Whom I have cudgelFd — Very well. 
And now he brags t' have beaten me — 63/ 
Better and better still, quoth he. 
And vows to stick me to a wall. 
Where'er he meets me — Best of all. 
'Tis true, the knave has taken 's oath 
That I robb'd him— Well done, in troth. 64C 
When h' has confess'd he stole my cloak, 
And pick'd my fob, and what he took ; 
Which was the cause that made me bang him, 
And take my goods again — Marry, hang him. 
Now whether I should before-hand, 645 

Swear he robb'd mef — I understand. 
Or bring my action of conversion 
And trover for my goods ? — Ah, whoreson ! 
Or if 'tis better to indite. 

And bring him to his trial ? — Right. 65Q 

Prevent what he designs to do. 
And swear for th' state against him? — True. 
Or whether he that is defendant 
In this case has the better end on 't ; 
Who, putting in a new cross-bill, 65^ 

May traverse th' action ? — Better still. 
Then there's a lady too — Aye, marry. 
That's easily prov'd accessary ; 



282 HUDIBRAS. 

A widow, who, by solemn vows 

Contracted to me, for my spouse, 660 

Combin'd with him to break her word, 

And has abetted all — Good Lord ! 

Suborn'd th' aforesaid Sidrophel 

To tamper with the dev'l of hell ; 

Who put m' into a horrid fear, 665 

Fear of my life — Make that appear. 

Made an assault with fiends and men 

Upon my body — Good agen. 

And kept me in a deadly fright, 

And false imprisonment, all night, 670 

Meanwhile they robb'd me, and my horse, 

And stole my saddle — Worse and worse, 

And made me mount upon the bare ridge, 

T' avoid a wretcheder miscarriage. 

Sir, quoth the lawyer, not to flatter ye, 675 
You have as good and fair a battery 
As heart can wish, and need not shame 
The proudest man alive to claim : 
For if th' have us'd you as you say, 
Marry, quoth I, God give you joy. 680 

I would it were my case, I'd give 
More than I'll say, or you '11 believe. 
I would so trounce her, and her purse, 
I'd make her kneel for better or worse ; 
For matrimony and hanging here 685 

Both go by destiny so clear, 
That you as sure may pick and choose, 
As Cross, I win ; and Pile, you lose ; 
And, if I durst, I would advance 
As much in ready maintenance, 690 

As upon any case I 've known ; 
But we that practice dare not own : 
The law severely contrabands 
Our taking bus'ness off men's hands ; 
'Tis common barratry, that bears 695 

Point-blank an action 'gainst our ears. 
And crops them till there is not leather 
To stick a pin in left of either ; 
For which some do the summer-sault. 
And o'er the bar, like tumblers vault • 700 



PART III.— CANTO III. 283 

But you may swear, at any rate, 

Things not in nature, for the state ; 

For in all courts of justice here, 

A witness is not said to swear, 

But make oath ; that is, in plain terms, 705 

To forge whatever he affirms. 

I thank you, (quoth the Knight) for that, 
Because 'tis to my purpose pat — 
For Justice, though she 's painted blind, 
Is to the weaker side inclined, 710 

Like Charity ; else right and wrong 
Could never hold it out so long. 
And, like blind Fortune, with a sleight 
Convey men's interest and right 
From Stiles's pocket into Nokes's, 715 

As easily as Hocus Pocus ; 
Play fast and loose ; make men obnoxious. 
And clear again, like Hiccius Doctius. 
Then whether you would take her life, 
Or but recover her for your wife, 720 

Or be content with what she has, 
And let all other matters pass, 
The business to the law 's alone. 
The proof is all it looks upon ; 
And you can want no witnesses 725 

To swear to any thing you please, 
That hardly get their mere expenses 
By th' labour of their consciences; 
Or letting out to hire their ears 
To affidavit customers, 730 

At inconsiderable values, 
To sei've for jury-men or tallies, 
Although retain'd in th' hardest matters 
Of trustees and administrators. 

For that, quoth he, let me alone ; 735 

W have store of such, and all our own ; 
Bred up and tutor 'd by our teachers. 
The ablest of conscience-stretchers. 

That's well, quoth he ; but I should guess, 
By weighing all advantages, 740 

715. John a Nokes, and John a Stiles, are two fictr 
tious names made use of m stating cases of law only. 



284 HUDIBRAS 

Your surest way is first to pitcli 

On Bongey for a water-witch ; 

And when y' Iiave hang'd the conjurer, 

Y' have time enough to deal with her. 

In th' int'rim, spare for no trepans 745 

To draw her neck into the bans ; 

Ply her with love-letters and billets, 

And bait 'em v/ell, for quirks and quillets, 

With trains t' inveigle and surprise 

Her heedless answers and replies : 750 

And if she miss the mouse-trap lines, 

They'll serve for other by-designs : 

And make an artist understand 

To copy out her seal, or hand ; 

Or find void places in the paper 755 

To steal in something to entrap her ; 

Till, with her worldly goods and body, 

Spite of her heart, she has endow'd ye : 

Retain all sorts of witnesses. 

That ply i' th' Temple under trees ; 760 

Or walk the round, with knights o' th' posts, 

About the cross-legg'd knights, their hosts ; 

Or wait for customers between 

The pillar-rows in Lincoln's Inn ; 

Where vouchers, forgers, common-bail, 765 

And affidavit men, ne'er fail 

T' expose to sale all sorts of oaths, 

According to their ears and clothes, 

Their only necessary tools. 

Besides the Gospel and their souls : 770 

And when y' are furnish'd with all purveys 

J shall be ready at your service. 

I would not give, quoth Hudibras, 
A straw to understand a case, 

742. Bongey was a Franciscan, and lived towards thn 
end of tlie thirteenth century, a doctor of divinity in Ox- 
ford, and a particular acquaintance of Friar Bacon's. 
In that ignorant age, every thing that seemed extraor- 
dinary was reputed magic ; and so both l^acon and Bon- 
gey went under the imputation of studying the black art. 
Bongey also, publishing a treatise of Natural Magic, con- 
firmed some well-meaning credulous people in this 
opinion ; but it was altogether groundless ; for Bongey 
was chosen provincial of his order, being a person o5 
most excellent parts and piety. 



TO HIS LADY. 285 

Without the admirable skill 775 

To wind and manage it at will ; 

To veer, and tack, and steer a cause 

Against the \\^eather-gage of laws 

And ring the changes upon cases 

As plain as noses upon faces, 780 

As you have well instructed me 

For which you've earn'd (here 'tis) your fee. 

I long to practise your advice, 

And try the subtle artifice ; 

To bait a letter as you bid ; 785 

As not long after thus he did : 

For having pump'd up all his wit, 

And Humm'd upon it, thus he writ : — 



AN HISTORICAL EPISTLE OF 

HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 

1 WHO was once as great as Csesar, 

Am now reduc'd to Nebuchadnezzar ; 

And from as fam'd a conqueror 

As ever took degree in war. 

Or did his exercise in battle, 5 

By you turn'd out to grass with cattle : 

For since I am deny'd access 

To all my earthly happiness, 

Am falFn from the paradise 

Of your good graces, and fair eyes; 10 

Lost to the world and you, I'm sent 

To everlasting banishment, 

Where all the hopes I had t' have won 

Your heart, b'ing dash'd, will break my own. 

Yet if you were not so severe 15 

To pass your doom before you hear, 
You'd find, upon my just defence, 
How much y' have wrong'd my innocence. 
That once I made a vow to you, 
Which yet is unperform'd, 'tis true : 20 



286 HUDIBRAS 

But not because it is unpaid, 

'Tis violated, though delayed ; 

Or, if it were, it is no fault. 

So heinous as you 'd have it tliought ; 

To undergo the loss of ears, 25 

Like vulgar hackney perjurers : 

For there 's a difference in the case, 

Between the noble and the base ; 

Who always are observed t' have done 't 

Upon as different an account ; 30 

The one for great and weighty cause, 

To salve in honour ugly flaws ; 

For none are like to do it sooner 

Than those who are nicest of their honour: 

The other for base gain and pay, 35 

Forswear and perjure by the day ; 

And make th' exposing and retailing 

Their souls and consciences a calling. 

It is no scandal, nor aspersion, 
Upon a great and noble person, 40 

To say he nat'rally abhorr'd 
Th' old-fashion'd trick to keep his word ; 
Though 'tis perfidiousness and shame 
In meaner men to do the same : 
For to be able to forget, 45 

Is found more useful to the great, 
Than gout, or deafness, or bad eyes. 
To make 'em pass for wondrous wise. 
But though the law on perjurers 
Inflicts the forfeiture of ears, 50 

It is not just that does exempt 
The guilty, and punish th' innocent ; 
To make the ears repair the wrong 
Committed by th' ungovern'd tongue ; 
And when one member is forsworn, 55 

Another to be cropt or torn. 
And if you should, as you design, 
By course of law recover mine. 
You 're like, if you consider right. 
To gain but little honour by 't. 60 

For he that for his lady's sake 
Lays down his life or limbs at stake. 



TO HIS LADY. 287 

Does not so much deserve her favour, 

As he that pawns his soul to have her 

This y' have acknowledged I have done, 65 

Although you now disdain to own ; 

But sentence what you rather ought 

T' esteem good service than a fau't. 

Besides, oaths are not bound to bear 

That literal sense the words infer, 70 

But, by the practice of the age, 

Are to be judg'd how far th' engage ; 

And, where the sense by custom 's clieckt, 

Are found void, and of none eftect. 

For no man takes or keeps a vow 75 

But just as he sees others do ; 

Nor are th' obliged to be so brittle, 

As not to yield and bow a Uttle : 

For as best-temper'd blades are found. 

Before they break, to bend quite round, 80 

So truest oaths are still most tough. 

And though they bow, are breaking proof. 

Then wherefore should they not b' allowed 

In love a greater latitude ^ 

For as the law of arms approves 85 

All ways to conquest, so should love's ; 

And not be ty'd to true or false, 

But make that justest that prevails : 

For how can that which is above 

All empire, high and mighty love, 90 

Submit its great prerogative 

To any other power alive .'' 

Shall love, that to no crown gives place. 

Become the subject of a case .'' 

The fundamental law of nature, 95 

Be over-rul'd by those made after.'' 

Commit the censure of its cause 

To any but its own great laws ; 

Love, that 's the world's preservative, 

That keeps all souls of things alive ; 100 

Controls the mighty pow'r of fate. 

And gives mankind a longer date ; 

The life of nature, that restores 

As fast as time and death devours ; 



288 HUDIBRAS. 

To whose free gift the world does owe, 105 

Not only earth, but heaven too ; 

For love *s the only trade that 's driven, 

The interest of state in heav'n, 

Which nothing but the soul of man 

Is capable to entertain. 110 

For what can earth produce, but love, 

To represent the joys above? 

Or who but lovers can converse. 

Like angels, by the eye-discourse? 

Address and compliment by vision ; 115 

Make love and court by intuition ? 

And burn in amorous flames as fierce 

As those celestial ministers ? 

Then how can any thing offend. 

In order to so great an end ? 120 

Or heav'n itself a sin resent. 

That for its own supply was meant ? 

That merits, in a kind mistake, 

A pardon for the offence's sake ? 

Or if it did not, but the cause 125 

Were left to th' injury of laws. 

What tyranny can disapprove 

There should be equity in love ? 

For laws that are inanimate, 

And feel no sense of love or hate, 130 

That have no passion of their own, 

Nor pity to be wrought upon. 

Are only proper to inflict 

Revenge on criminals as strict : 

But to have power to forgive, 135 

Is empire and prerogative ; 

And 'tis in crowns a nobler gem 

To grant a pardon than condemn. 

Then since so few do what they ought, 

'Tis great t' indulge a well-meant faut : 140 

113. Metaphysicians are of opinion, that angels and 
souls departed, being divested of ail gross matter, under- 
stand each other's sentiments by intuition, and conse- 
quently maintain a sort of conversation without the or- 
gans of speech. 

121. In regard children are capable of being inhabit- 
ants of heaven, therefore it should not resent it as a 
crime to supply store of inhabitants for it. 



TO HIS LADY. 289 

For why should he who made address, 

All humble ways, without success, 

And met with-nothing, in return, 

But insolence, affronts, and scorn, 

Not strive by wit to countermine, 145 

And bravely carry his design ? 

He who was us'd so unlike a soldier, 

Blown up with philtres of love-powder ; 

And after letting blood, and purging, 

Condemn^ to voluntary scourging ; 150 

Alarm'd with many a horrid fright, 

And claw'd with goblins in the night ; 

Insulted on, revil'd, and jeer'd, 

With rude invasion of his beard ; 

And when your sex was foully scandali'd, 155 

As foully by the rabble handled ; 

Attack'd by despicable foes, 

And drubb'd with mean and vulgar blows; 

And, after all, to be debarred 

So much as standing on his guard ; 160 

When horses, being spurred and prick'd, 

Have leave to kick for being kick'd ? 

Or why should you, whose mother-wits 
Are furnish'd with all perquisites. 
That with your breeding-teeth begin, 165 

And nursing babies, that lie in, 
B' allowed to put all tricks upon 
Our cully sex, and we use none ? 
We, who have nothing but frail vows 
Against your stratagems t' oppose ; 170 

Or oaths more feeble than your own. 
By which we are no less put down ? 
You wound, like Parthians, while you fly, 
And kill with a retreating eye ; 
Retire the more, the more we press, 175 

To draw us into ambushes. 
As pirates all false colours wear 
T' intrap th' unwary mariner, 

173. Parthians are the inhabitants of a province in 
Persia : they are excellent horsemen, and very exquisite 
at their bows ; and it is reported of theni, that they ge- 
nerally slew more on their retreat than they did in tise 
engagement. 

O 



290 HUDIBRAS 

So women, to surprise us, spread 

The borrow'd flags of white and red ; 180 

Display 'em thicker on their cheeks 

Than their old grandmothers, the Picts ; 

And raise more devils with their looks, 

Than conjurer's less subtle books ; 

Lay trains of amorous intrigues, 185 

In tow'rs, and curls, and periwigs. 

With greater art and cunning rear'd. 

Than Philip Nye's thanksgiving beard, 

Prepost'rously t' entice and gain 

Those to adore 'em they disdain ; 190 

And only draw 'em in to clog 

With idle names a catalogue. 

A lover is, the more he 's brave, 
T' his mistress but the more a slave. 
And whatsoever she commands, 195 

Becomes a favour from her hands ; 
Which he 's oblig'd t' obey, and must, 
Whether it be unjust or just. 
Then when he is compell'd by her 
T' adventures he would else forbear, 200 

Who with his honour can withstand. 
Since force is greater than command .'' 
And when necessity 's obey'd. 
Nothing can be unjust or bad : 
And therefore when the mighty pow'rs 205 
Of love, our great ally and yours. 
Join'd forces not to be withstood 
By frail enamour'd flesh and blood. 
All I have done, unjust or ill, 
Was in obedience to your will ; 210 

And all the blame that can be due, 
Falls to your cruelty, and you. 
Nor are those scandals I confest. 
Against my wJU and interest. 
More than is daily done of course 215 

By all men, when they're under force : 
Whence some, upon the rack, confess 
What th' hangman and their prompters please 

One of the assembly of divines, very remarkable 



Joe. uiie oi trie assemoiy or 
for the singularity of his beard 



TO HIS LADY. 291 

But are no sooner out of pain, 

Than they deny it all again. 220 

But when the devil turns confessor, 

Truth is a crime he takes no pleasure 

To hear, or pardon, like the founder 

Of Hars, whom they all claim under ; 

And therefore when I told him none, 225 

T think it was the wiser done. 

Nor am I without precedent. 

The first that on th' adventure went : 

All mankind ever did of course, 

And daily does the same, or worse. 230 

For what romance can shew a lover, 

That had a lady to recover, 

And did not steer a nearer course. 

To fall aboard in his amours ? 

And what at first was held a crime, 235 

Has turn'd to honourable in time. 

To what a height did infant Rome, 
By ravishing of women, come ! 
What men upon their spouses seiz'd. 
And freely marry'd where they pleas'd, 240 
They ne'er forswore themselves, nor ly'd. 
Nor, in the mind they were in, dy'd ; 
Nor took the pains t' address and sue, 
Nor play'd th» masquerade to woo : 
Disdain'd to stay for friends' consents, 246 

Nor juggled about settlements ; 
Did need no licence, nor no priest. 
Nor friends, nor kindred, to assist ; 
Nor lawyers, to join land and money 
In th' holy state of matrimony, 250 

Before they settled hands and hearts. 
Till alimony or death them parts : 

237. When Romulus had built Rome, he made it an 
asylum, or place of refuge, for all malefactors, and others 
obnoxious to the laws, to retire to, by which means it 
soon came to be very populous ; but when he began to 
consider, that, without propagation, it would soon be 
destitute of inhabitants, he invented several fine shows, 
and invited the j'oung Sabine women, then neighbours to 
them ; and when they had them secure, they ravished 
tliem ; from whence proceeded so numerous an offspring. 

252. Alimony is an allowance that the law gives the 
woman for her separate maintenance upon living from 



292 HUDIBRAS 

Nor would endure to stay until 

TJi' had got the very hride's good will ; 

But took a wise and shorter course 255 

To win the ladies, downright force ; 

And justly made 'em pris'ners then. 

As they have, often since, us men, 

With acting plays, and dancing jigs, 

Tlie luckiest of all love's intrigues ; 260 

And when they had them at their pleasure, 

Then talk'd of love and flames at leisure ; 

For after matrimony's over, 

He that holds out but half a lover, 

Deserves for ev'ry minute more 265 

Than half a year of love before; 

For which the dames, in contemplation 

Of that best way of application, 

Proved nobler wives than e'er were known 

By suit or treaty to be won ; 270 

And such as all posterity 

Could never equal, nor come nigh. 

For women first were made for men, 
Not men for them. — It follows, then. 
That men have right to ev'ry one, 275 

And they no freedom of their own : 
And therefore men have pow'r to choose, 
But they no charter to refuse. 
Hence 'tis apparent that, what course 
Soe'er we take to your amours, 280 

Tliough by the indirectest way, 
'Tis no injustice, nor foul play ; 
And that you ought to take that course, 
As we take you, for better or worse ; 
And gratefully submit to those 285 

Who you, before another, chose. 
For wliy should ev'ry savage beast 
Exceed his great lord's interest .•* 
Have freer pow'r than he in grace. 
And nature, o'er the creature has .'' 290 

Because the laws he since has made 
Have cut off all the pow'r he had ; 

her hiiaband. That and death are reckoned the only 
separations in a married state. 



- TO HIS LADY. 293 

Retrench'd the absolute dominion 

TJiat nature gave him over women ; 

When all his pow^r will not extend 295 

One law of nature to suspend ; 

And but to offer to repeal 

The smallest clause, is to rebel. 

This, if men rightly understood 

Tiieir privilege, they would make good ; 300 

And not, like sots, permit their wives 

T' encroach on their prerogatives ; 

For which sin they deserve to be 

Kept as they are, in slavery : 

And this some precious gifted teachers, 305 

UnrevVently reputed leachers. 

And disobey'd in making love. 

Have vow'd to all the world to prove, 

And make ye suffer, as you ought, 

For that uncharitable fau't. 310 

But I forget myself, and rove 

Beyond th' instructions of my love. 

Forgive me (Fair) and only blame 
Th' extravagancy of my flame. 
Since 'tis too much at once to shew 315 

Excess of love and temper too. 
All I have said that 's bad and true, 
Was never meant to aim at you, 
Who have so sov'reign a control 
O'er that poor slave of yours, my soul, 320 
That, rather than to forfeit you, 
Has ventur'd loss of heaven too ; 
Both with an equal povv'r possest. 
To render all that serve you blest ; 
But none like him, who's destin'd either 325 
To have or lose you both together ; 
And if you '11 but this fault release 
(For so it must be, since you please) 
I '11 pay down all that vow, and more. 
Which you commanded, and I swore, 330 

And expiate upon my bkin 
Th' arrears in full of all my sin : 
For 'tis but just that I should pay 
Th' accruing penance for delay ; 



294 THE LADYS ANSWER 

Which shall be done, until it move 335 

Your equal pity and your love. 

The Knight perusing this Epistle, 
Believ'd h' hud brought her to his whistle. 
And read it like a jocund lover. 
With great applause, V himself, twice over ; 340 
Subscrib-d his name, but at a fit 
And humble distance, to his wit ; 
And dated it with wondrous art, 
Giv'n from the bottom of his heart ; 
Then seaFd it with his coat of love, 345 

A smoking fagot — and above, 
Upon a scroll — I burn, and weep ; 
And near it — For her Ladyship, 
Of all her sex most excellent. 
These to her gentle hands present : 350 

Then gave it to his faithful Squire, 
With lessons how t' observe and eye her. 

She first considered which was better, 
To send it back, or burn the letter : 
But guessing that it might import, 355 

Though nothing else, at least her sport, 
She openM it, and read it out, 
With many a smile and leering flout ; 
Resolv'd to answer it in kind, 
And thus perform'd what she design'd. 360 



THE LADY'S ANSWER 

TO 

THE KNIGHT. 

That you 're a beast, and turn'd to grass, 

Is no strange news, nor ever was, 

At least to me, who once, you know^, 

Did from the pound replevin you, 

When both your sword and spurs were won 5 

In combat by an Amazon : 



TO THE KNIGHT. 295 

That sword, tliat did (like Fate) determine 

Th' inevitable death of vermin, , 

And never dealt its furious blow^s, 

But cut the' throats of pigs and cows, JO 

By TruUa was, in single fight, 

DisarniM and wrested from its Knight ; 

Your heels degraded of your spurs, 

And in the stocks close prisoners ; 

Where still they'd lain, in base restraint, 15 

If I, in pity of your complaint. 

Had not, on honourable conditions, 

ReleasM 'em from the worst of prisons; 

And what return that favour met 

You cannot (though you would) forget ; 20 

When, being free, you strove t' evade 

The oaths you had in prison made ; 

Forswore yourself, and first deny'd it, 

But after own'd and justify'd it ; 

And when y' had falsely broke one vow, 25 

Absolv'd yourself by breaking two : 

For while you sneakingly submit. 

And beg for pardon at our feet, 

Discourag'd by your guilty fears, 

To hope for quarter for your ears, 30 

And doubting 'twas in vain to sue, 

You claim us boldly as your due ; 

Declare that treachery and force, 

To deal with us, is th' only course ; 

We have no title nor pretence 35 

To body, soul, or conscience ; 

But ought to fall to that man's share 

That claims us for his proper ware. 

These are the motives which, t' induce 

Or fright us into love, you use ; 40 

A pretty new way of gallanting, 

Between soliciting and ranting ; 

Like sturdy beggars, that entreat 

For charity at once, and threat ! 

But since you undertake to prove 45 

Your own propriety in love, 

As if we were but lawful prize 

tn war between two enemies, 



29G THE LADY'S ANSWER 

Or fiirfeitures, which evVy lover, 

^f'hat would. but sue for, might recover, 50 

It is not hard to uiulersiand 

Tlie mysfry of this hold demand, 

Tliat cannot at our persons aim, 

Cut something capable of claim. 

'Tis not those paltry counterfeit 55 

French stones, which in our eyes you set, 
But our right diamonds, that inspire 
And set your am'rous hearts on fire : 
Nor can those false St. Martin's beads, 
Which on our lips you lay for reds, CO 

And make us wear, like Indian dames, 
Add fuel to your scorching flames. 
But those true rubies of the rock. 
Which in our cabinets we lock. 
'Tis not those orient pearls, our teeth, G5 

That you are so transported with ; 
But those we wear about our necks, 
Produce those amorous effects. 
Nor is 't those threads of gold, our hair. 
The periwigs you make us wear ; 70 

But those bright guineas in our chests, 
That light the wild-fire in your breasts. 
These love-tricks I 've been versM in so, 
That all their sly intrigues I know, 
And can unriddle, by their tones, 75 

Their mystic cabals and jargons ; 
Can tell what passions, by their sounds, 
Pine for the beauties of my grounds; 
What raptures fond and amorous 
O' th' charms and graces of my house ; 80 

What ecstasy and scorching flame 
Burns for my money in my name ; 
What from th"" unnatural desire 
To beasts and cattle takes its fii"e ; 
Wliat tender sigh, and trickling tear, 85 

Longs for a thousand pounds a year ; 
And languishing transports are fond 
Of statute, mortgage, bill, and bond. 

These are th' attracts which most men fall 
Enamour'd, at first sight, withal ; 90 



TO THE KNIGHT. 297 

To these th' address with serenades, 

And court with balls and masquerades ; 

And yet, Ibr all the yearning pain 

Y' have suffered for their loves in vain, 

i fear they '11 prove so nice and coy 95 

To have, and t' hold, and to enjoy, 

That all your oaths and labour lost, 

They'll ne'er turn ladies of the post. 

This is not meant to disapprove 

Your judgment in your choice of love ; 100 

Whicli is so wise the greatest part 

Of mankind study 't as an art ; 

For love should, like a deodand, 

Still fall to th' owner of the land ; 

And where there 's substance for its ground, 105 

Cannot but be more firm and sound 

Than that which has the slightest basis 

Of airy virtue, wit, and graces ; 

Which is of such thin subtlety. 

It steels and creeps in at the eye, 110 

And, as it can't endure to stay, 

Steals out again as nice a way. 

But love, that its extraction owns 
From solid gold and precious stones, 
Must, like its shining parents, prove 115 

As solid, and as glorious love. 
Hence 'tis you have no way t' express 
Our charms and graces but by these : 
For what are lips, and eyes, and teeth, 
Which beauty invades and conquers with, 120 
But rubies, pearls, and diamonds, 
With which a philter love commands ? 

This is the way all pax-ents prove, 
In managing their children's love, 
That force 'em t' intermarry and wed, 125 

As if th' were burying of the dead ; 
Cast earth to earth, as in the grave, 
To join in wedlock all they have. 
And, when the settlement 's in force, 
Take all the rest for better or worse : 130 

For money has a power above 
The stars and fate to manage love, 
O 2 



298 THE LADY'S ANSWER 

Whose arrows, learned poets hold, 

That never miss, are tipp'd with gold. 

And though some say the parents' claims 135 

To make love in their children's n^mes, 

Who many times at once provide 

The nurse, the husband, and the bride. 

Feel darts and charms, attracts and flames, 

And woo and contract in their names, 140 

And, as they christen, use to marry 'em, 

And, like their gossips, answer for 'em ; 

Is not to give in matrimony. 

But sell and prostitute for money ; 

'Tis better than their own betrothing, 145 

Who often do 't for worse than nothing ; * 

And when th' are at their own dispose, 

With greater disadvantage choose. 

All this is right ; but for the course 

You take to do 't, by fraud or force, 150 

'Tis so ridiculous, as soon 

As told, 'tis never to be done, 

No more than setters can betray. 

That tell what tricks they are to play. 

Marriage, at best, is but a vow, 155 

Which all men either break or bow : 

Then what will those forbear to do. 

Who perjure when they do but woo .'' 

Such as before-hand swear and lie. 

For earnest to their treachery, 160 

And, rather than a crime confess. 

With greater strive to make it less ? 

Like thieves, who, after sentence past. 

Maintain their innocence to the last ; 

And when their crimes were made appear 165 

As plain as witnesses can swear. 

Yet, when the wretches come to die, 

Will take upon their death a lie. 

133. The poets feign Cupid to have two sorts of ar 
rows ; llie one tipped with gold, and the other with lead. 
The golden always inspire and inflame love in the per- 
sons he wounds with them ; but, on the contrary, the 
leaden create the utmost aversion and hatred. With 
the first of these he shot Apollo, and with the other 
Daphne, according to Ovid. 



\ TO THE KNIGHT. 299 

Nor are the virtues you confess'd 

T' your ghostly father, as you guess'd, 170 

So shght as to be justify'd 

By being as shamefully deny'd ; 

As if you thought your word would pass 

Point-blank, on both sides of a case ; 

Or credit were not to be lost* 175 

B' a brave Knight-Errant of the Post, 

That eats perfidiously his word, 

And swears his ears through a two-inch board ; 

Can own the same thing, and disown, 

And perjure booty, pro and con ; 180 

Can rnake the Gospel serve his turn, 

And help him out, to be forsworn ; 

When 'tis laid hands upon, and kist, 

To be betray'd and sold, like Christ. 

These are the virtues in whose name 185 

A right to all the world you claim. 

And boldly challenge a dominion, 

In grace and nature, .o^r all women; 

Of whom no less will satisfy 

Than all the sex your tyranny. 190 

Although you '11 find it a hard province, 

With all your crafty frauds and covins. 

To govern such a num'rous crew, 

Who, one by one, now govern you ; 

For if you all were Solomons, 195 

And wise and great as he was once, 

You '11 find they 're able to subdue 

(As they did him) and baffle you. 

And if you are imposM upon, 
'Tis by your own temptation done, 200 

That with your ignorance invite. 
And teach us how to use the slight; 
For when we find y'' are still more taken 
With false attracts of our own making. 
Swear that 's a rose, and that a stone, 205 

Like sots, to us that laid it on, 
And what we did but slightly prime. 
Most ignorantly daub in rhyme. 
You force us, in our own defences, 
To copy beams and influences ; 21C 



300 THE LADY'S ANSWm 

To lay perfections on the graces, 

And draw attracts upon our faces, 

And, in compliance to your wit. 

Your own false jewels counterfeit : 

For by the practice of those arts 211 

We gain a greater share of hearts ; 

And those deserve in reason most. 

That greatest pains and study cost : 

For great perfections are, like heaven. 

Too rich a present to be given. 220 

Nor are these master-strokes of beauty 

To be performed without hard duty, 

Which, when they 're nobly done and well, 

The simple natural excel. 

How fair and sweet the planted rose 225 

Beyond the wild in hedges grows ! 

For without art the noblest seeds 

Of flow'rs degen'rate into weeds. 

How dull and rugged, ere 'tis ground 

And polish'd looks a diamond ! 230 

Though Paradise were e'er so fair, 

It was not kept sg without care. 

The whole world, without art and dress, 

Would be but one great wilderness ; 

And mankind but a savage herd, 235 

For all that nature has conferr'd : 

This does but rough-hew, and design ; 

Leaves art to polish and refine. 

Though women first were made for men. 

Yet men were made for them agen ; 240 

For when (outwitted by his wife) 

Man first turn'd tenant but for life, 

If women had not interven'd. 

How soon had mankind had an end ! 

And that it is in being yet, 245 

To us alone you are in debt. 

And where 's your liberty of choice. 

And our unnatural no voice ? 

Since all the privilege you boast, 

And falsely usurp'd, or vainly lost, 250 

Is now our right ; to whose creation 

You owe your happy restoration ; 



^Q THE KNIGHT. 301 

And if we had not weighty cause 

To not appear, in making laws, 

We could, in spite of all your tricks, 255 

And shallow, formal politics. 

Force you our managements t' obey, 

As we to yours (in show) give way. 

Hence 'tis that, while you vainly strive 

T' advance your high prerogative, 260 

You basely, after all your braves, 

Submit, and own yourselves our slaves ; 

And 'cause we do not make it known. 

Nor publicly our int'rest own, 

Like sots, suppose we have no shares 265 

In ord'ring you and your affairs. 

When all your empire and command 

You have from us at second hand ; 

As if a pilot, that appears 

To sit still only while he steers, 270 

And does not make a noise and stir, 

Like ev'ry common mariner, 

Knew nothing of the card, nor star. 

And did not guide the man-of-war ; 

Nor we, because we don't appear 275 

In councils, do not govern there ; 

While, like the mighty Prester John, 

Whose person none dares look upon, 

But is preserv'd in close disguise. 

From being made cheap to vulgar eyes, 280 

W enjoy as large a pow'r unseen, 

To govern him, as he does men ; 

And in the right of our Pope Joan, 

Make empVors at our feet fall down : 

Or Joan de Pucel's braver name, 285 

Our right to arms and conduct claim ; 

377. Prester John, an absolute prince, emperor of Abys- 
EJnia or Ethiopia. One of them is reported to have had 
seventy kings for his vassals, and so superb and arrogant, 
that none durst loolt upon him without his permission. 

285. Joanof Arc,called also the PuceIle,or Maid of Or- 
leans. She was born at the town of Damremi, on the 
Meuse, daughter of James de Arc, and Isabella Ilomee ; 
and was bred up a shepherdess in the country. At the age 
of eishteen or twenty she pretended to an express com- 
inissioa from God to go to the relief of Orleans, then bo 
sieged by the English, and defended by John Compte do 



302 THE LADY'S ANSWER 

Who, though a spinster, yet was able 
To serve France for a Grand Constable. 

We make and execute all laws, 
Can judge the judges and the cause ; 290 

Prescribe all rules of right and wrong 
To th' long robe, and the longer tongue, 
'Gainst which the world has no defence, 
But our more pow'rful eloquence. 
We manage things of greatest weight 295 

In all the world's affairs of state ; 
Are ministers of war and peace, 
That sway all nations how we please. 
We rule all churches and their flocks. 
Heretical and orthodox ; 300 

And are the heavenly vehicles 
O' th' spirits in all conventicles. 
By us is all commerce and trade 
Improv'd, and manag'd, and decay'd ; 
For nothing can go off so well, 305 

Nor bears that price, as what we sell. 
We rule in ev'ry public meeting. 
And make men do what we judge fitting ; 
Are magistrates in all great towns, 
Where men do nothing but wear gowns. 310 
We make the man-of-war strike sail, 
And to our braver conduct veil. 
And, when h' has chas'd his enemies. 
Submit to us upon his knees. 

Dennis, and almost reduced to the last extremity. She 
went to the coronation of Charles the Seventh, when he 
was almost ruined. She knew that prince in the midst 
of his nobles, though meanly habited. The doctors of 
(livinity,andmembersof parliament openly declared that 
lliere was something supernatural in her conduct. She 
sent for a sword, which lay in the tomb of a knight,which 
was behind the great altar of the church of St. Katharine 
de Forbois, u[)on the blade of which the cross and flower- 
de-luces were engraven, which put the king- in a very 
frroat surprise, in regard none besides himself knew of it. 
Upon this he sent her with the command of some troops, 
with which she relieved Orleans, and drove the English 
from if. defeated Talbot at the battle of Paltai, and re- 
covered Champagne. At last slie was unfortunately 
taken prisoner in a sally at Champagne in 1430, and 
tried for a witch or sorceress, condemned, and burnt in 
Rouen market-place in May, 1430. 



TO THE KNIGHT. 303 

Is there an officer of state 315 

Untimely r^.is'd, or magistrate, 

That 's haughty and imperious ? 

He 's but a journeyman to us, 

That, as he gives us cause to do 't, 

Can keep him in, or turn him out. 320 

We are your guardians, that increase 

Or waste your fortunes how we please ; 

And as you humour us can deal 

In all your matters, ill or well. 

'Tis we that can dispose, alone, 325 

Whether your heirs shall be your own, 

To whose integrity you must. 

In spite of all your caution, trust ; 

And, less you fly beyond the seas, 

Can fit you with what heirs we please ; 330v 

And force you t' own 'em, though begotten 

By French valets, or Irish footmen. 

Nor can the rigoroursest course 

Prevail, unless to make us worse ; 

Who still, the harsher we are us'd, 335 

Are farther off from b'ing reduc'd, 

And scorn t' abate, for any ills, 

The least punctilios of our wills. 

Force does but v/het our wits t' apply 

Arts, born with us for remedy ; 340 

Which ail your politics, as yet. 

Have ne'er been able to defeat ; 

For when y' have try'd all sorts of ways. 

What fools d' we make of you in plays I 

While all the favours we afford, 346 

Are but to girt you with the sword. 

To fight our battles in our steads. 

And have your brains beat out o' your heads ; 

Encounter, in despite of nature. 

And fight at once with fire and water, 350 

With pirates, rocks, and storms, and seas, 

Our pride and vanity t' appease ; 

Kill one another, and cut throats. 

For our good graces, and best thoughts ; 

To do your exercise for honour, 355 

And have your brains beat out the sooner; 



304 THE LADY'S ANSWER, &c. 

Or crack'd, as learnedly, upon 

Things that are never to be known ; 

And still appear the more industrious, 

The more your projects are prepost'rous ; 360 

To square the circle of the arts, 

And run stark rnad to shew your parts ; 

Expound the oracle of laws, 

And turn them which way we see cause ; 

Be our solicitors and agents, 365 

And stand for us in all engagements. 

And these are all the mighty pow'rs 
You vainly boast to cry down ours, 
And what in real value's wanting, 
Suppl}?^ with vapouring and ranting ; 370 

Because yourselves are terrify'd, 
And stoop to one another's pride, 
Believe we have as little wit 
To be out-hector'd, and submit : 
By your example, lose that right 375 

In treaties which we gainVl in fight ; 
And, terrify'd into an awe, 
Pass on ourselves a Salique law ; 
Or, as some nations use, give placo. 
And truckle to your mighty race ; 380 

Let men usurp th' unjust dominion, 
As if they were the better women. 

378. The Salique law is a law in France, whereby If 
i8 enacted that no female shall inherit that crown- 



INDEX. 



♦ Page Line 

A:RA of the poem 1. 1 to 15 

Affidavit-men, their practice 283 725 

Their plying-places 5284 760 

Anaxagoras, astronomical tenets of his . . . 165 737 
Astronomical tenets of others, as solid , . .109 SG5 
Art, its advantages over nature . . . ,300 233 
Author, his invocation ,27 645 

Integrity 3G 35 

Authors of rhyme, their reason for couplets , , 102 27 
Authors of romances censured, p. 35. 1. 11. p. 101. 1. 13. p. 125 

Ga'gPIPES compared . . , , . , 139 621 

Bear-baiting, the adventure of . . . . 28 677 

Its antiquity and derivation ib. 68J 

Proclamation on the solemnity .... ib. 689 

Blows the method of making tree by the Romans , 107 235 

Of restoring to grace, &c. by Pi estor John . ib. 239 

Best trial of valour in soldiers . . . . ib. 249 

Bruin (the bear) . ' , 42 249 

His genealogy . ib. 265 

Diet , ib. 271 

Travels 43 281 

Resentment on receiving Hudibras's fall . . 58 877 

Conduct in distress , 67 37 

Relieved by TruUa and Cerdon . . . , 68 97 

Compared to Achilles ...... 69 139 

CERDON (the cobbler) 47 409 

His paring-knife ib. 417 

Descent ib. 421 

Polemic qualities, &c ib. 429 

Assists in the bear's relief 68 97 

Reply to Trulla's speech on that occasion . . 69 119 
His ansvyer to Orsin's speech on the distress of his 

bear 72 271 

Presses to the relief of Magnano .... 80 562 

Disarms Hudibras .82 666 

Assists in Trulla's Triumph , . . . . 90 967 

Cheating and being cheated, the pleasure of it . 146 I 

Instances of the latter ib. 7 to 37 

Chymistry, a certain experiment of it . . .111 425 

Colon (the hostler) , 47 441 

Compared to Hercules 48 458 

Engages Ralpho 57 825 

Attacks Hudibras , 79 519 

Assists in Trulla's Triumph . . . , . 90 968 

Commanders, a peculiar of theirs .... 62 1048 

Commonwealth resty to the rider . . . . 37 926 

Mythologically compared to a rump . . .263 159S 
Conjurers, their various ways of practice p. 162 1. 599 to 640 

Court of Conscience ought to assist itself . . 131 299 

Cowards, none that venture a second beating , 106 229 

Only entitled to horns and petticoats , . .142 723 

Crowdero (the fiddler) 88 105 

His misfortune in a prize of his profession , . 39 133 

Resolution and fate in the first action . . . 59 9U 

Led in triumph by Hudibras ..... 6i, 1124 

Put in the stocks, ,65 lias 

Released by Magnano 90 995 

Crows, birds of evil omeu 1G5 70? 



306 INDEX. 

Page Line 
Cucking-stool, the cavalcade of it compared to an 

ovation 142 r"?! 

DISPUTANTS compared and exposed ... 124 1 

Disputes, how resolved at last 136 4SI 

Divinity, niceties therein exposed .... 13 16:3 
Diurnals (news-papers) an expedient to lessen the 

price of whetstones 102 57 

Druids borrow money to be repaid in the next world 172 975 

EARS the poles on which heads turn . . . 243 8I.'> 

Injustice of cropping them for perjury . . 286 4!) 

Echo described ........ 71 Jgy 

Epistle from Hudibras to Sidrophel, from p. 178 to 181 
From Hudibras to his Lady frcm p. 285 to 294 

Subscription, date, seal, and direction . , . 294 341 
Her answer .... from p. 294 to 304 

Evening described 123 003 

Excommunication a distress on soul and body . 221 1521 

FAME described 102 45 

Good and evil fame distinguished . . . .103 6fi 

Fear, the effects of it . p. 266 1. 11. p. 267. 1. 65. 270 17) 

Too much and too little, equal . . . .266 27 

Fools found like woodcocks 180 80 

Their stubbornness compared .... 233 481 

Fortune of war 66-1 

Her old wont 78 515 

A case out of her reach 87 877 

GRACE and virtue too near akin to be coupled . 214 1293 

HALTER, rise from thence the highest ... 255 1307 

Hanging, a description of it . . . , ,248 995 

Goes with matrimony by destiny . . . .282 685 

No chance in it ib. 687 

Heralds, their power in pedigree . . . .164 669 

Heroes, their trade 44 321 

Their reverse ib. 326 

Heroines, a digression against them ... 45 379 
Honour, now attained . . . . . . 34 913 

Different effects of sword and cudgel on it - . 57 809 

A definition of it 91 1043 

Hurt past cure , 106 215 

Basting no blemish .... . . ib. 217 

Flies if cracked 134 385 

Lord's oaths , ib. 889 

Commoner's hufTs . ib. 391 

Compared ib. 393 

Where lodged 174 1067 

HUDIBRAS (Sirs L , p. 34. 1. 904.)— His politic cha- 
racter, p. 7. 1. 15.— Languages, p. 8 1. 51.— Logic, p. 9. 1. 65.— 
Rhetoric, ib. 1. 81.— Oratory, p. 10. 1. 91.— Matnematics, p. 11. 
1. 119.— Philosophy and metaphysics, ib. 1. 127.— School-learn- 
ing, p. 12. 1. 151.— Religion, p. 14. 1. 189.— His personal cha- 
racter—His beard, p. 16. 1.241.— Back, p. 17. 1. 287:— Belly, ib. 
1. 296.— His equipage— His doublet, p. 18. 1. 305.— Breeches, ib. 
1.309.— Sword, p. 19. 1. 351.— Scabbard, ib. 1, 363.— Dagger, ib. 
1.375.— Pistols, p. 20. 1. 391.— His activity in mounting, ib. 1. 
405.— His horse described, p. 21.1. 423. p. 35. 1. 921.— His 
Squire, p. 21 1. 457. (See Raipho.)— Is compared with Ralpho, 
p. 26. 1. 625.— Adventure of the bear-baitmg. p. 28. 1. 677.— 
Speech thereon to Ralpho, p. 29. 1. 714.— The conversation 
continued and applied to synods, to 1. 916.— Conduct before 
the first action, p. 37. 1. 71.— His speech to the enemy, p. 49. 1. 
494.— Charge and demand of the fiddler, p. 53. 1.661.— Reply 
to Talgol's answer, p. 55. 1. 741.— Attacks him, p. 56. 1. 775.— 
Leads Crowdero in triumph, p. 64. 1. 1123.— Puts him in the 
stocks, p. 65. 1. 1165.— Pangs for his mistress, p. 73. 1. 309.— 



INDEX. 307 

Her qualities, p. 74. 1. 321.— Resolution to re-attack her, p. 75. 
J. 371."Soliloquy.thereon, ib. I. 381.— Speech to Ralpho before 
the second action, p. 77. 1. 453.— Invokes his mistress, p. 78. i. 
477.— Conduct in disposing the battle, ib. 1. 481.— In advauc- 
'jng, ib. 1. SOL— Fatality in getting- and losing advantages, ib. 
.. .529.— Desjronding answer to Ralpho, p. 80. 1. 585.— Re-al- 
tempt, p. 82. 1. 655.— Welcome to a supposed victory, p. 83. ). 
CS6.— Speech to Ralpho thereon, ib. 1. 724.— Reply to Ralpho's 
answer, p. 84. 1. 757.— Is defeated by Trulla, p. 85. 1. 780.— An- 
swer to her harangue thereon, ib. 1. 795.— Ill luck and defeat 
in a second trial with her, p. 86. 1. 835.— Answer to her insnl; • 
ing him, p. 87. 1. 869.— To her reply, p. 88. 1. 897.— Surrender^; 
prisoner to her, ib. 1. 915»— Led in triumph, p. 89. 1. 961.- Put 
in the stocks, p. 90. 1. lOOl.— Consoles himself, p. 91. 1. 1009.— 
Answer to Ralpho's reply thereto, p. 92. 1. 1073.— The conver- 
sation continued on presbytry, synods, presbyters, lay-el- 
ders, &c. to 1. 1382.- Behaviour on receiving Ms mistress's 
visit there, p. 103. 1. 101.— Address to her, p. 104.1. Hl.-An- 
swer to his mistress's reply, p. 105. 1. 161.— The conversation 
continued on the fortune of war, pain, honour, valour, love, 
and whipping, to 1. 895.— Swears to whip himself as enjoined 
by her, p. 123. 1. 896.— Advises and debates with Ralpho how 
to avoid both whipping and oath, p. 126. 1. 55 to 540.— Has 
judgment to bs whipped by proxy, p. 135. 1. 437.— Makes 
Ralpho his proxy, p. 135. 1. 441.— Debate of it on refusal con- 
tinued, to 1. 560.— Adventure of the riding, p. 138, 1. 565.— 
Compared to a Roman triumph, p. 140,' 1, 665.— Reply to 
Ralpho's dissent, p. 142. 1. 713.— Advances to attack the lead- 
er, p. 143. 1. 753.— Is attacked himself, p. 144. 1.815.— Flies the 
field, p. 145. 1. 835.— His consolatory discourse on the occa- 
sion, ib. 1. 849.— Resolution to swear he has penance perform- 
ed, p. 146- 1. 885.— Expostulation thereon, p. 148. I. 59.-Is ad 
vised by Ralpho to consult Sidrophel. the cunning man, in 
the rrtatter, p. 149. 1. 105.— Gluestions the lawfulness of it, ib. 
i. 125.— Owns his conviction, p. 151. 1, 189.— Resolves to con- 
sult him, ib. 1. 101.— Compliments Sidrophel, p. 160.1.543.— 
Reply to Sidrophel's artful return, ib. 1. 553.— Reply to his 
telling him the occasion of his coming, p. 161. 1. 563.— Op- 
poses astrology, its professors, practices, &c. from ib, I. 565. 
(0 p. 172. 1. 976.— Falls out with Sidrophel, and despatches 
Ralpho for a constable, p, 173. 1. 1015.— Disarms and defeats 
him, and wounds Whachum, p. 174. 1. 1057.— Speech to t!u- 
vanquished, ib. 1. 1071.— Plunders Sidrophel, p. 175. 1. 1085.— 
The booty, ib. 1, 1088.— Resolves to march off, and lurch 
Ralpho, p, 176. 1. 1149.— Speed and activity in the execution, 
p, 173. 1. 1133.— Epistle to Sidrophel, p, 178.— Experience in 
love affairs, p. 182, 1. 31. --Relapse and resolution to attack his 
rtiistress, ib. 1. 37.— Arrives at her house, p. 185. 1, 150.— Ad- 
dress to her. ib. 1. 163.— Dialogue between him and her, on 
assuring her of the performance of oath, &c. continued to 1. 
536.— Claims her promise of marriage, p. 195. 1. 539.— The 
managements and comforts of it debated, from p. 195. 1. 545. 
to p. 205. 1. 936.— Is frightened, and brought to confession, 
p. 208. 1. 1053. to p. 214. 1. 1310.— Upbraided with his past con- 
duct, &c. p. 215. 1. 1339.— Dialogues it with Ralpho as a spirit 
on the same subject, from p. 216. 1. 1400. to p. 220. 1. 1556.— la 
carried off by him, p. 225. 1. 1571.— Speed in escaping, ib. 1: 
1599.— Dialogue between him and Ralpho on the discovery of 
each other, p. 268. 1. 103.— Answer to Ralpho's advice, p. 278. 
1 . 517.— Resolves to sue her promise, p. 279. 1. 567.— Character, 
&c. of his lawyer, ib. 1. 577.— Address to him, p. 281. 1. 021.— 
His case, with responses, p. 281. 1. 633."The lawj'er's opiniou, 
p. 282. I. 675.— Debated with his advice, p. 284. 1. 773.~-Epistle 



308 INDEX. 

to the lady, p. 283 —Subscription, daff , seal, and du-ectloi', 
p. 294. 1.341 to 3O0. p^^^j^.^^^ 

Hypocrisy described ...-..•• 212 122 1 

The eirects of It - §13 259 

A church improvement :fja H'>» 

IDUS and Calendffi, quarter days . . . .1^0 917 

Jealousy the clap of the mmd 199 jO 

Imposters when past their labour . . - .81 J^l 

Impudence a claim to every thmff • « • • 1^0 ^^^ 
Independent, dilference between him and presby- 

tcri&n ••••••••• ^'-o 45 

Post in reformations and qualifications , . 225 111 

Independency described 238 ,60.? 

Intelligible world described . . . • . 152 2^5 

Inward light, its advantages over astrology , . 25 573 

A mark of those that have it - ... - • .193 481 
Inward and outward man, their opposition to each 

other ^^26 77 

Juries, their skill in palmistry 177 1167 

Justice, a defect of it . • .• . • • • • .^^ 1172 

A New England instance of justice . . . 134 409 

KICK o' th' a not painful . .... 106 209 

Artists in distinguishing the miterials of kicking 

and cudgelling J„2 o,i 

Pyrrhus, his use of kicking 107 Zil 

Hurtful to honour , i ^'* ""'^ 

Kuights-errant and their horses' privileges, and ad- 

dress in encounters . .. • , • , • ' 11 o2 

Knight-errantry, an error therein exploded . . 18 327 

LAWYERS no disputants on their profession . 276 439 

Exempt from interlopers . : . . -277 493 

Women's tongues only exceed theirs . . , 302 291 

Lawyer— Hudibras's lawyer, his character, quali- 

flcations, and practice 279 577 

Lay-elders, their character , ,; , • ^ v • • ^^ \ii\ 

Learning opposed to gifts and light, what . . 99 1339 

Loyality, its character ^'7 i/3 

Fate of its confessors 255 1301 

Love, a sure shaft of it If 7?,, 

More restless than bangs or fleas . . • .76 40i 

Secresy in love dilated on f ii *|» 

Characterised 5,; r I 

Its readiest remedies \j^' »]^ 

Rosemary, its use in love . . . • • i^^-J »4| 

Whipping, advantages and examples of it , . ib. 845 ■ 

Love, a Pythagorean 197 647 

Hot and cold fits of It .. • . - • • • H^ <'^^ 

The prevailing way, the just est in It . . " "^^ oq 

lUs empire and prerogative iD «9 

Love, interest of state in heaven , . . .268 107 

OtTences pardonable here , . • ' • }o. iiw 

Ought not to be punished by human laws , . ib. 125 

Land its firmest basis . • •,.•,• ' ^^7 lu* 

Why charms expressed by gold and jewels . . ib.. 113 

The power of money in It ^ • -. ,• • * K"- ]".{ 

Love passions compared and explained . . 112 441 
Wealth the top motive, p. 112. 1. 453. p. 113. 1. 475. 

Hanging or'drownmgthe surest proof . . . 1J3 481 
A passsionate poetical address . . • * jjg %l\ 

jtlQlCVHGQ •••••••• fyMn QfVt 

Lie greedily swallowed -i43 w* 



INDEX. 309 

Page Line 

Lying, the fate of the faculty 180 105 

ilAGNANO (the tinker) 44 83J 

His habit ib. 836 

Skill in tile black art ib. 343 

Performances 45 853 

Arms , ib. 361 

Armour ib. 365 

See Trulla. 
His policy to relieve Talgol and Colon . , , 57 836 

Habergeon wounded 79 537 

Assists in TruUa's Triumph 90 967 

Releases Crowdero from tne stocks . . . ib. 987 

Marriages not made in heaven 195 545 

No improvements of love ib, 551 

A beast that tires ib. 569 

Bargain at a venture 196 573 

A vow broken or bent , 297 155 

liing in matrimony useless 230 304 

Goes with matrimony by destiny .... 282 685 

No chance in it ib. 687 

Merit to a half lover after it 292 263 

Rlen, their natural right over womankind . . ib. 274 

Advantages on the woman's side .... 302 339 

Money, last reason of all things . . . .256 1329 

Use in casting knaves ib. 1339 

Power in love 297 131 

filoon, the new discoveries in it 165 727 

Advantages thereby in trade, politics, science, re- 
ligion, &c. questionable 166 749 

Setting, &c. described » 214 1321 

NEW LIGHT described 23 501 

Derived 166 773 

OATHS, how obliging 129 197 

Criminal in the maker . . . . • . 131 271 
Oaths, of no force till broken . . . . ib. 277 

Broken by the imposter 133 377 

Doubtful security 186 205 

The truest, toughest 287 79 

Obedience, the less the better 238 610 

Oliver, his death and apotheosis .... 228 215 
Orsin (the bearward,) p. 39. 1. 147.— His descent, p. 41. 1. 219. 
—Skill in medicine, ib. 1. 223.— Famed for pitched fighf, 
why, p. 70. 1. 171.— Grief for his bear's distress, ib. 1. 176 
—Soliloquy thereon, p. 71. 1. 199.— Harangues his party, p. 
72. 1. 248.— Attacks Ralpho, p. 78. 1.491.— Re-attacks him, p. 
81. 1. 626.— Rescues Cerdon, but unfortunately, p. S-2. I- 
674.— Assists in Trulla's triumph, p. 89. 1. 965. 
Owl in Rome, the occasion of a lustration . . 165 709 

PAIN, stoically described 105 ISS 

Paper-kite, and lantern described . . . .157 415 

Philosophical consolations 90 1013 

Presbyterian, the true church militant ... 14 191 

Presbyter described 94 1161 

Difference between him and independents . . 233 45 

Power of the keys 244 857 

Presbytery defined 99 1201 

Providence directed, prescribed, and proposed to 51 590 
Public faith, plate and preaching misapplied , . 50 558 

QUAKERS, their gospel '. 130 219 

Compared , ib. 229 

RALPHO, his name, p. 21. 1. 457.— Parts, p. 22. 1. 465.— Birth, 
ib. 1. 466.— His pedigree, p. 22. I. 467.— Gifts, ib. 1. 479.— 
Learning, p. 2?i. I. 529 —Compared with Hudibras, p. 26. I . 



310 • INDEX. 

624.— Reply to his speech on hear-baiting;, p. 81 1. 802.— The 
conversation continued and applied to synods, to p. 31. I. 
916.— Engages Colon, p. 57. 1. y.2G.— Relieves Hudibras from 
Crowdero, p. 60. 1. .<)31 .—Defeats Crowdero, ib. I. 950.— 
Speech to the vanquished, ib, 1. 955.— To FJuddjras thereon, 
p. 61. 1. 983.— More, p. 62. 1. 1033.— Bears Crowdero's fiddle 
and case in triumph, p. 64. 1. 1120.— His engagement wilh 
Cerdon, p. 79. 1. 5ol.— Presses to t!\e relief of Hudibras, p. 80. 
1. .561.— Eiicourae-es him, ib. 1. 565.— Recovers his lost arms, 
p. 81. 1. 61 i.— Misfortune in-remounting, ib. 1. 919.— Answer 
to Hudibras's harangue on his supposed victory p. 84. 1. 745, 
—Led in Triumph by Trulla, p. 89. 1. 961.— Put in the 
stocks, p. SO. 1. 1001.— Reply to Hudibras's consolatory 
speech, p. 92. 1. 1057.— The conversation continued on pres- 
byl'^ry, synods, presbyters, lay-elders, &c. to p. 100. i. 1382. 
—Opinion on Hudibras's oath made to his mistress, debat- 
ed, from p. 127. 1. 95. to p. 137. 1. 541.— Judges hnn to be 
wlnpped by proxy, p. 135. 1. 437.— Is made proxy himself, ib. 
p. 441.— The debate of it on refusal, continued to p. 138. 1. 
560.— Adventure of the riding, ib. 1. 565.— Dissents from 
Hudibras's opinion of it, p. 141. 1. 695.— Advances to attack 
the leader, p. 143. 1. 7.53.— Is attacked himself, p. 144. 1.821. 
— Flie.-: the field, ib. 1. 833.— Advises Hudibras to consult 
Sidrophel(tlie cunning man,) p. 149. 1. 105.— Convinces him 
of its lawfulness^ p. 149. 1. 129. to p. 151. 1. 188.— Sent for a 
constable to apprehend Sidrophel, p. 173. 1. 1015.— Resolves 
iiistead of it 1o discover his prevarication to his mistress, p. 
184. 1. 99.— Goes to her house and efFects it, p. 185. 1. 145.— 
Dialogue with him (as a spirit) on his past conduct, &c 
from p. 216. 1. 1400. to p. 220. 1. 1.556.— Carries him off, p. 221. 
li 1.571.— Dialogue between him and Hudibras on his disco- 
very of each other, p. 268. 1. 107.— Advises him to sue her 
promise, p. 275. 1. 395. 

Page Line 
Ravens, birds of evil omen ..... 165 707 
Retreat, the advantages of it , . . . .82 607 

Riding, the adventure of it 118 565 

Compared to a Roman triumph . . , .139 591 
Historical mistake of the latter rectified . . ib. 595 
Pomp and cavalcade of a riding described . . ib. 605 

Rings useless in matrimony 230 304 

Rump, ib. 1. 271.— Sir A. A. C an independent, or latitudina- 

rian member, his character, p. 232. 1. 351. a presby- 

terian member, his character, p. 233. 1. 491.— The latter's 
speech, p. 235. I. 495.- The former's, by way of answer, p. 
248 1. 999.— Contain the disputes between both parties, their 
hypocrisy, practices, politics, &c. from p 235. 1. 49.51 to p. 
260. 1. 14.%.— Rump burnt in effigy, p. 260. J. 1505.— Mytho- 
logy of it, p. 262. I. 1,577. 
Rnnnina-, the advantage and conduct of it . . 271 243 

At least lalf the victory 272 269 

Gets the whole ib. 289 

SAINTS, their property, p. 62. 1. 1010.— May swear and for- 

sweai- occasionally, p. 127. 1. 103.— Examples of it, p. 128. I. 

141.— Exempted from the obligation of oaths by privilege, 

p. 129. 1. 201.— Their privilege universal, p. 149. 1. 130.— No 

sin in them to cheat the devil, ib. 1. 135.— Are his betters 

every way,«. 218. 1. 1471. 

Salvation mechanically obtained .... 219 1493 

Self not meant in self-denial ..... 135 459 

Spheres, their music not heard, why . . .116 617 

Sieve and shears turn as certain . . . .161 .569 

Star.^, astrological queries and answers concerning them, p. 



INDEX. 311 

Page Line 
167. 1.317,— How ill used in calculations, p. 171. 1. a-^.— 
Abused in love affairs, p. 181. 1. 13. 
State sinners, progiiosticators of changes . . 233 411 
Sectaries, fheir birth aud parentage, p. 222. 1. 7.— Their natu- 
tural constitution, p. 223. 1.21.— Their politics, ib. 1, 31.— 
Their rule of faith, p. 259, 1. H45. 

Souls doubtful security 186 205 

Prisoners on parole 187 219 

Stocks described 84 1132 

Swords and teeth compared 42 2GI 

Sympathy of spurring 78 4«5 

Sympathetic noses 17 2bl 

Sidrophel, p. 149. 1. 105.— His qualifications, ib. 1. 107.— 
Studies, p. 152. 1. 205.— Advances therein, ib. 1.209.— Boast 
ed knowledge, ib. L 223.— Familiarity with the moon, p, 
153. 1. 239.— With the empire, &c. of the spheres, ib. 1. 253. 
—A remarkable instrument of his invention, ib. 1. 261.- 
Another, p. 154. 1. 277.— Skill in occult sciences, ib. 1. 281.— 
In nature, ib. 1. 305.— His Zany, p. 155. 1. 325.— See Wha- 
chum.— His observatory, p. 157. 1. 403.— Skill in observa- 
tion, ib. 1. 413.— On the phenomenon of a paper-kite and 
lantern, ib. 1. 425, — His instructions to Whachum on Hudi- 
bras's coming to him, p. 159. 1. 4S9 — Juggle with on his er- 
rand, p. ICO. 1. 519.— Artful return to Uudibras's conipli 
ment, ib. 1. 549.— Tells him the occasion of his coming, p, 
161, 1. 557.— Defends astrology, its professors, practices, &c, 
from p. 161. 1. 575. to p. 172. 1. 998.— Arms, and attacks him, 
p. 174. 1. 1041.— Is disarmed, defeated, ami plundered, ib, 1, 
1057.— Policy in escaping, p. 175. 1. 1107. 
Synods, compared to bear-gardens , . . 93 1095 

To the inquisition S4 1149 

A commonwealth of popery 56 1203 

Syiiod-men, their characteristic . , , . 99 13U9 

TALGOL (the butch*,) p. 43. 1. 299.— His reply to Hudibras 

on the bear-baiting, p. 54. 1- 684.— Defence of his attack, p. 

58. 1. 786.— Dismounts him, p. 58. 1. 8ai.— Is wounded, p. 79. 

1. 535.— Assists in Trulla's triumph, p. 89. 1. 966. 

Taliacotius's sympathetic noses , . , . - 17 281 

Teeth and swords compared 42 201 

Trance described 210 li27 

Trimming approved , , 255 1291 

TruUa (the tinker's wench,) p. 45. 1. 365.— Her resolution, ib, 
1. 369.— Assists in the bear's rehef, p. 68. 1. 97.— Her light- 
ness, ib. 1. 101 —Speech to Cerdon on the relief of the bear, 
ib. 1. 110.— Eomaulic care of him, p. 70. 1. 155.— Defeats 
Hudibras. p. 85. 1. 783.— Harangue to him thereon ib. 1, 7S5. 
—Reply to his answer, p, 86. 1. 814,— Re-attacks and defeats 
him, ib. 1. 823.— Insults him. p. 87. 1. 855.— Reply to his an- 
swer, it). 1. 885.- Answer to his reply, p. 88. 1. 905.— Gives 
him her mantle (a modern example applied,) ib. 1. 919.— 
Protects him from the fury of the rest, p. 89. 1. 929.— Re- 
solves to exchange him for Crovvdero, p. 88. 1. 913. p. 89. 1. 
950.— Her resolution approved of, ib. 1. 953.— Triumphs over 
him and Ralpho p. 90. 1. 969.— The manner of it. ib, 1. 975, 
—Puts both in the stocks, ib. 1, 1000, 
Trusts broken, not so desperate in trial as a neck 114 509 
VALOUR, active and pt^ssive distinguished , . 91 1029 
Best trial of valour in soldiers , , . . 107 24 j 
The effects of too much, or too little . , ,208 1065 
Virtueandgracetoonear akin to be coupled . . 218 1293 
WAGERS, fools' arguments , . . , , 1U8 29a 
Wedlock without love compared , . . . Uy 



Properly compared 116 64 



312 INDEX. 

See Marriages, 

WhaGhuum, Sidrophel's Zany, or journeyman, his qualifica 
tions, p. 155. 1. 323.— Employment in the conjuring trade, 
ib. 1. 335. — Skill in poetry, ib. 358.— Encomium on it, p. 156. 
1. 384.— Receives Hudbiras and pumps Ralpho, p. 159 1. 
494.— Juggles with Sidrophel on Hudibras's errand, p. 160. 
1. 522.— Assists Sidrophel to attack him, p. 174. 1, 1055.— 
Throws down his arnis, and is wounded, ib. 1. 1063. 

Whipping, its praises, p. 121. 1. 811. to 816.— Use, &c, in love, 
p. 122. 1. 845.— Examples of it, p. 123. 1, 875. 

Whipping-post described, p. 65. 1. 1150.— The honour and 
privileges of its tenants, p. 121. 1. 797 to 824. 

Widow, (Hudibras's mistress,) her qualities, p. 74. 1. 321,— 
Behaviour on the news of his being in the stocks, p. 103. 1. 
81,— Expostulation on the sight of him there, p, 104, 1, 123, 
—Answer to his first address to her, p. 105. 1. 153.— The con- 
versation continued on the fortune of war, pain, honour 
valour, love, and whipping, to p. 123. 1. 895.— Answer tohia 
address to her on assurance of having performed his oath, 
p. 186. 1. 187.— The dialogue thereon continued, to p. 208. 1. 
1053.— Answer to his claiming her promise of marriage, p. 
195. 1. 545.— The management and comforts of it debated, to 
p. 205. 1. 936.— Concluded by her with its true motives, ib. 1. 
937.— Answer to his epistle, -p. 294- 

Women, their zeal, &c. celebrated, p. 143. 1, 775.— Passion 
for precedence, p. 186. 1. 169.— Arts in amour, p. 289. 1. 173. 
—Power over mankind, p. 290. 1. 191.— Out of complaisance 
to them ib. 1. 199.— Men as much made for them, as they 
for men, p. 300. 1. 239.— The advantages on the woman's 
side, ib. 1, 241.— Influence over the men— in politics, p. 301 • 
1, 253.— In church affairs, p. 302. 1. 299.— In trade, ib. 1. 303. 
—In magistracy, ib. 1. 307.— In war, ib. 1. 311.— In promo- 
tions, p. 303. 1. 315,— In estates, ib. 1. 321.— In heirs to them, 
ib. 1. 325,— Worse for ill usage, ib. 1. 333.— Men their fools in 
the play, ib. 1. 343. 



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